The Crackedurday Comedy Round-Up

We know, we know. We asked you last week for suggestions for the name of the Round-Up, and then we went ahead and didn't use any of them. It's not that there was anything wrong with your suggestions, just that they were all shitty. And you know, the title we went with is about as bad as those that you came up with. Ignoring your suggestions was largely a symbolic gesture.

You still have a chance if you leave suggestions for next week's title in the comments, but seriously, don't leave shitty suggestions.


If you haven't been watching Hate By Numbers, you only have a two weeks left. This week Gladstone explains why
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Twilight is going to be terrible, (though it will still undoubtedly make billions.) Meanwhile, Bucholz talks about He-Man, who was sort of the Twilight, but for eight year old boys in the eighties. Meanwhile, Swaim channels his inner pervert yet again for hilarious results. Meanwhile, DOB has the courage to demand coolness rights for white people. And, seriously, white people have had it pretty rough.

The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
Asshanimholes? Assholenimals? Is there any way to make this portmanteau happen in way that doesn't totally suck?

Notable Comment:Truthiness runs the spectrum with " No wonder chimps are assholes, they're almost like people. Actually they are people. No wait... THAT WAS OUR PLANET!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!"

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5 Ways to Stop Trolling From Killing the Internet
See, now "Asstrolls," that works. Asshole+troll really lends itself to this sort of thing.
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Notable Comment: We didn't read the comments on this article.

Why? Did anything big happen?

The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Old School PSAs
See, the problem with this one is, if you hear "Herowin," a combination of Heroin and Win, phonetically speaking, there's no difference. And when you look at the spelling, you might conclude that we're combining Hero and Win, which, frankly, doesn't make any sense in this context. Wordplay doesn't really work if you have to spend eight minutes explaining what you did.
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Notable Comment:Greengoddess says " The sexist shit girls are taught makes me sick. I hope more and more women free themselves of these poisonous thought patterns. I love weed." We have educated, weed-loving feminist chicks who read the site? We seriously have to reevaluate who we think our audience is.

7 Methods of Coping With Tragedy (Courtesy of James Bond)
And, well, that one's not a pun or portmanteau at all. But what should we have done? Bondtum of Solace? Quantomorrow Never Dies? We also toyed around with the idea of saying "Casino Royale With Cheese," but we weren't sure if people would've made that Pulp Fiction leap. Speaking of leaps and Quantums, you remember that show Quantum Leap? That show was retarded.
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Notable Comment: Yarp says " That picture of Halle Berry is hot btw." Really? Thanks for the tip. Any other diamonds in the rough you feel like pointing out? How about Angelina Jolie, is she hot? Megan Fox, maybe? Call us crazy, but we find Scarlett Johansson's perfect skin and enormous breasts oddly attractive.

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The 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex
Restrdickted Area. Yikes. Okay, that one was probably our worst. Actually, an intellectual Feminist Literary Theory class would probably love it. They'd be all "It's supposed to seem jarring and forced; the word 'Dick' awkwardly forces its way into 'Restricted,' penetrating it and thereby corrupting its meaning, much in the same way that man's influence invades and corrupts all female writing, due to the inescapable phallocentric nature of our language." Yo, Cracked, can totally teach Literary Theory. Are you listening, Yale?!
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Notable Comment: Nova_NIN says " How about sex on a bus? not in the bathroom of a bus but right there on the seats, on plain view?" For that matter, how about sex on plainview? Like, as in, Daniel Plainview, from There Will Be Blood? Wouldn't it be weird if someone was caught having sex on Daniel Plainview? We think that'd be weird, because he's dead and fictional.

Episode 1: Rogue Cursor
In the Cracked Series Premier of Net_Work, Mike and Michael find themselves engaged in a tense battle. With a cursor. Spoiler Alert: It's awesome.

If Every (Famous) Person Got What They Deserved
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, James Bond Gadgets That Aren't in the Movies.
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Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.


"I'll balance the barber pole, Steve will look at my balls, Chuck will spot me, and Gary... I don't know, your fat ass can just stand there and flash gang signs for all I care."
by landmine76

Editor's pick:

"Enough is enough," God said. "I'm erasing Mexico."
by menDAKE


Bah da da da duhhhhhh.... I'm rubbin' it!
by ZiggyStardust

Editor's pick:

Is that a Big Mac in your pocket, or are you just a pedophile?
by phoenixblaze319

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Kinda takes the whole "pride" thing out of being gay, don't it?
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

So... This is drag racing...
by Bionic_Crouton


damn.... and he's not even in office yet....
by rasputin

Editor's pick:

Thank God I can read Japanese. If I couldn't, I would have absolutely no way of knowing that parking was on the right.
by Gambler


Fucking street urchins!
by Tommyg

Editor's pick:

Suddenly billy realized why everyone was looking at him. He was naked.... and a sea cucumber.
by Kyrzarx


Billy just barely outran the concrete before it dried. Ted wasn't as lucky.
by TychPsych

Editor's pick:

Lost in the wilderness at a young age, billy was found and raised by statues, and has adopted many of their mannerisms and social morays.
by Nightfire08


Warning: we have no idea what the fuck this machine does.
by The Sound Defense

Editor's pick:

"Wow! Fred died in the most bizarre and unlikely way possible!"
"You said it.... We should get a warning sign made just in case!"

by Leaf

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