When did it happen, America? When did we become the police state that we’ve always feared, that thousands of brave men and women laid down their lives to try and banish from existence?
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Craigslist will henceforth be charging a fee and requiring credit card validation for any posts in the “erotic services” section. At this point I’d usually say something like “well, fuck me,” but I’m afraid THE MAN would want my PIN number first.
I’m firmly convinced that in time, this gross invasion of privacy will be viewed as a travesty on par with the CIA bugs and Japanese internment camps of the 50’s, forcible quartering of British troops in the 1600’s, or theoretical passage of a Patriot Act that also watches you go to the bathroom.
Have you grasped the sheer magnitude of this event? People used to get to post whatever they wanted, offer any kind of depraved, illegal, or animal-related sexual service, and now they can’t. That sacred freedom, guaranteed by the Ninth Article of our Constitution, has been denied them by the powers that be.
Have you read 1984? Because this is a million times worse. And I‘m saying that as someone who hasn’t even read the introductory acknowledgments. All I know is, if it’s anything like that one Apple ad, this has got it beat.
Craigslist, what you are doing is plain wrong. By impinging upon the rights of those of us (not me) who may want to proffer certain erotic talents to the world at large, you are taking away my freedom of speech (although again, not me, but rather a friend of mine).
Worse, you are destroying the fragile psyche of a scared little boy who, raised in a convent by abusive nuns, used to hit himself in the genitals with rulers whenever he had a sexual impulse, and was only able to begin healing upon the discovery of Craigslist and its willingness to cater to any act of perversion, no matter how slathered in cooking lard or likely to result in a lawn dart up the ass.
Again, and I stress this for no particular reason other than the sake of good journalism, I’m referring to a very close friend of mine who is by no means me.
But if I were talking about me, I’d ask for the good and decent people of the world to rise up and demand the maintenance of our rights by the cold, uncaring Craigslist fat cats who want nothing more than money, money, an end to illegal child trafficking and crackdown on Internet sexual predators, and money. You soulless bastards.
Have you forgotten all the good your “erotic services” section has done? Let me remind you with some excerpts from sample posts.
Would you really deny these fairly attractive people and major motion picture executives their chance at true love? Would you have them stand under the interrogation lights, fill out forms, fill cups with liquids, undergo public scrutiny all just for your peace of mind?
After all, who’s business is it if we—and I’m using the abstract, collective “we” here—occasionally like to toss the salads of older women who work in food retail? Is that so wrong? Do we not deserve the privacy afforded every American?
The whole mess is enough to make me wonder if there isn’t a way around this little credit card scheme of theirs. For instance, could one create some sort of dummy account, route it through a joint checking account or Paypal, and post anonymously that way?
Seriously, could they? If anyone knows how to do that, please message me, especially if you are an older woman working in food retail (please, no fatties).
Someone must take a stand against this injustice. What’s wrong, Barack? I thought you were the “change” candidate, the President who would end all the secrecy and Government prying. And yet I haven’t heard a single impassioned speech from you on the plight of the struggling erotic service provider. For shame.
Well, I’ll not stand idle. Until such a time as Craigslist returns the right to privacy to its users, I will no longer be frequenting it, with the possible exception of finding a new couch, which I really need since my current one is covered with lawn dart holes. I suggest you do the same.
The fact is, the totalitarian regime is already faltering. Since Craigslist started their new pay scheme, they’ve gotten eighty percent fewer posters. Clearly, this group of people who refuse to have their names attached to their erotic requests are heroes, unwilling to use a system that denies them their basic freedoms. Kudos, you most silent of majorities.
But we must not remain silent. Write Craigslist, and tell them that you won’t stand for this erosion of the Founders’ principles. Remind them that Jefferson slept with his slaves and Franklin had a thing for spaniels, for the history of this glorious nation was not written under the watchful gaze of a Government satellite, but scrawled in back alleys and shouted amidst golden showers.
And know that hope is not lost. Not every corner of the web has become a panopticum. Here, on this very blog, freedom still reigns. I hereby declare this post Cracked’s own “erotic services” section, and I encourage you to make full use of the comments section for the planning of romantic encounters, boasting of incredible sexual talents, or graphic description of your darkest fetishes.
I rest assured in the knowledge that the slew of classy, respectful, decent comments sure to follow this post will show Craigslist just how truly they have misjudged the people of the Internet.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is inviting disaster as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under America, Casual Encounters, Craigslist, Erotic Services, Freedom, I Will Toss Your Salad For A Nominal Fee. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 19th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Successful, attractive, wealthy SBM seeks DISCRETE Tommy Lee Jones look-alike or DISCRETE Jeff Goldblum look-alike for ‘role-playing’ and good times. Must like rap and DISCRETE anally-oriented ‘good times’ and pretend to dislike alien lifeforms intensely, unless interested in tentacle fisting. Must be DISCRETE and not likely to recognize Will Smith.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Haha. This is the only article I’ve found w/o any spam for dating websites in the comments section.
Also– White 19 yo male seeking olive skinned or black female 16-46. Body hair a plus, as long it’s less than me (I get jealous.) head swallowing ass a must.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Young attractive 20’s girl seeking a man who doesn’t mind being told he’s only friends with benefits.
After sex that he assumed was satisfactory.
Must be tolerant to constant verbal abuse with a pinch of physical abuse.
Ball sac removal is preferred.
July 5th, 2009 at 11:52 am
30 y/o f virgin looking for swaim look-alike to rape cat while i show them some new uses for table legs! snuff films a plus, as are skinny hairless beta males with big poofy hair. HAIRY FAT MEN ARE DEAL BREAKER (expect daddy issues. need strong back for the baggage)
CALL ME! (or i will stalk you down in the night…)
June 26th, 2009 at 1:16 am
35 yr old living in parents basement looking for knee-high “animals” willing to be fisted on a regular basis. Consent not an issue. Must be into leashes and BDSM. Will be watched by my mother while she pleasures herself on the stuffed head of my late grandfather. Beatles music will be blaring so no one may hear the passionate sounds of my lovemaking with “animals”. Otherwise will be too preoccupied with RPing online to be bothered to feed you. Must be self-sufficient and innovative. Every wednesday is Macaroni and Hot Dog night, followed by every thursday being Colonic Irrigation Day.
Oh, and by “animal”, I mean midgets…in costumes…
CALL ME!
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Bill Evans, you rocked my world.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I Really Love Reading Your Blog. Excellent. Keep up the great work!
February 14th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I don
December 25th, 2008 at 4:01 am
female, 21, just lookin’ fer some good ‘ol fashioned fun.
and a roommate.
who can pay all the bills.
(momma likes her parties!!!)
did i mention i have a kid?
or 3?
December 8th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Hello Nice Person,
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I’m so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn’t work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she’s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don’t know, too.
Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.
Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
Please help me.
Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don’t forward this email, that’s okay. But mommy says you’re a mean and heartless bastard who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can’t take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless, nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it’s hard. I wish I had a kitty.
I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn’t chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Thank You, Billy “Smiles” Evans
P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this because that person is very trustworthy.
December 7th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Male 21 sterile and only 5′2″
Blonde sexy version of Bill Gatewaydrugs and Autism Powers with the wit of The Talented Mr. Ripley.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:19 am
Male age 25 looking for young girls ages 10-15. I have a copy pokemon mystery dungeon.
in my basement.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
If Craigs list requires monies from advertisers of perhaps professional providers of certain therapies, that some governmental agencies object to, are they not liable for living on the earnings of a prostitue? Just curious.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Male 42 looking for 10-11 year old girls to play “doctor” with. No questions asked. And no telling Mommy.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Collective of cybernetic beings seeks species with biological and technological distinctiveness to add to our own. Must have chaos which we will bring order to. Species 8472 need not apply.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:36 pm
DO IT FAGGIT
November 27th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I hav a cup. Need 2 girls
November 27th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Japanese midget dude seeking tall man for oral pleasures and different types of fun. I like iPods and horses. xoxo, Roy the BoyToy
November 26th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
California intellectual looking for New Jersey classy for Arkansas sex.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:35 am
I am: Geek, gamer, socially awkward shut-in, young, supple, and into medieval/fantasy sexual RP and sexual LARPing. I can be anything from a Paladin (you must be familiar with D&D rules, 4th edition plz) to a japanese kitty/school girl (you must have tentacle sized dildos).
Ideally, you are: Over 40, over weight, live in your parent’s basement, have multiple max level World of Warcraft characters (no 70s, 80s only). You prematurely ejaculate, want me to spit in your mouth, and your mother must make me blueberry muffins while I play WoW on your computer as you massage my feet.
You must host.
November 24th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Cup of frozen deliciousness seeks attractive young woman to suck on my straw. Promise to provide whatever flavor you like and to make your nipples hard and your brain freeze. Call me!
November 24th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Deposed king of Nigeria II seeking beautiful mistress to whom which i transaction funds of THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS by means of electronic wire transfer, please be to faithful so as to receive TEN PERCENT COMMISSION RATE FEE. Provide only CREDIT CARD NUMBER so you can receive money, God bless. Blacks, whites, Asians, and Latinas only, no A cups, no fatties, also be prepared that money is embeded in testicles and must be released in sexual intercourses.
November 24th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I just saw a post on cracked.com explaining five different ways they were attempting to stop internet trolling. Don’t you think Craigslist is just using one of the methods (i.e. charging a small fee for membership or in this case, for a post)? They were probably flooded with post after post of stupidity and implemented a way to stop it.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Deranged Serial Killer seeks blonde women, aged 11-29 for discreet BDSM. Must have no close family, no close friends, wealthy women preferable. Screamers preferred. Bleeders preferred even more. Claustrophobia IS a problem.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 pm
35 year old overweight, married man who smokes looking for fun times with unbelievably hot cheerleading squad (all female only).
Must be over 18 or have good fake id’s.
—
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 pm
note: my chest also, is not hairy
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
19 year old blond Canadian female, not full beard or a Cracked blogger (I’ve got the rest covered), seeks 36yr old DD MILF with a 6″ tongue. I can put both feet behind my head (I teach an intermediate level yoga class) and am better with my tongue and strap-on than any man you’ve ever been with, I guarantee you that. We have the same parts, I know where ever G-spot is, where you like to be kissed and how to make you moan all night long. xoxo
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I bustyful chick am meeting many beautiful ladies and men at CRACKED.COM for sexy times I like.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Business man in town for a few days seeking a hotel room meet up. m4m m4w m4a.
In need to get my rocks off, so if your in to soaking your body in a tub of ice water and lying very very still why i have my way with you, i like um pale, i like um stiff, i like um in dead.
dont reply if your not down. picture for picture. i have no restrictions so you shouldnt either.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 am
living female seeks male or female mortician to act as “matchmaker”
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
male seeking michael swaim or michael swaim
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Dark, brooding, photo-phobic, timeless male seeks attractive fleshy female for short, torrid affair. High-blood pressure preferred. Must be solitary, with few loved ones. Friendless orphans please apply.
November 20th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
4 year old sea star searching for a like sized (@ 2.5″) star to asexually reproduce next to. I just like the company.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Young man, NSOH, with chiseled abs and Napoleon complex seeks Michael Swaim look-a-like for outrageous Marquis de Sade-themed antics. Applicants must provide own hair. Livestock need not apply.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Young, extremely attractive, curvacious (NOT FAT!) 20 something seeking hawt azns/BOYS. Preferably can speak mandarin and/or korean while f***ing.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Swaim, you have done it again - and made comments worth reading for the first time ever.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Let me tell you a little about me.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
Looking for women between ages of 18 and 32 to come to my apartment, so we can listen to some Robert Palmer and Huey Lewis records. Will provide a very fine chardonnay.
it is NOT okay to contact this poster with commercial or other services
November 19th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
er…”trying”
November 19th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
“kingmonkey Says:
November 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Simian royalty, approximately X3 years old, seeks 28 to 30 women for romantic walks on the beach…”
I just got all silly imagining you try to herd ‘em all down the beach. *giggles
November 19th, 2008 at 12:39 am
2 yr old mouse looking for nsa cheese encounter.
please be aged-well, holes are a plus!
americans and mozzarellas need not apply.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Middle-aged man working a government job looking for boys 15-17 for cyber sex, maybe more. Job opportunities available, strings attached. Contact at 1-800-59-SENATE. Roses available.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
seeking six fingered man…
November 18th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
16-30 yr old female, into wigs and costuming, looking for 18-40 yr old male with distinct facial hair and smile. Will post regrettable nudes on request. Must accept all details of the relationship becoming public knowledge.
Scientologists need not apply.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Worldy male seeking discrete female for companionship. Cankles a plus!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:14 am
60+ Y.O. Republican seeks hot young politician mother for running mate. No experience required, must give good BJs.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
40y male homeless seeks anyone for midnight casual encounter under the main and 5th overpass. looking to bring back to dumpster for a romantic night of sipping maddog 20/20 while entertaining ourselves with a cardboard box telvision where i trapped two aphrodisiac rats. multiple genital infections so be ready for the herp.
XOXOXO,
Bruce
November 17th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Learned Greek historian looking for 10 or 12 pubesent girls to act out the play Lysistra in my living room. No acting ability necessary, will train. Will also supply turtle, catchers mitt, and Summers Eve wrappers.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Seeking level 20 Paladin with dragon fetish.
‘Items’ available.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:43 am
48 year old naked mole rat furry enthusiast seeks like minded female for nocturnal meetings, can host in my garden.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Reanimated Half Robot/Half Messiah seeks busty blonde. Must be able to fall unconscius on request. 13-15 plz.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Nice recovery, Shii!
November 16th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
42-yr old man, smashingly attractive moustache, looking for prostitutes between the ages of 13 and 50. Erotic knifeplay fetish is a plus, but not required.
Payment will be dicussed aftewards.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Aw hell.
I made a Jack_the_Ripper account specifically for that post and forgot to change accounts.
I’m a fucking moron.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
42-yr old man, smashingly attractive moustache, looking for prostitutes between the ages of 13 and 50. Erotic knifeplay fetish is a plus, but not required.
Payment will be dicussed aftewards.
November 16th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
hahahaha, hilairous.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
God seeking 13 year old virgin to impregnate.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:45 am
73 year-old Catholic priest with one leg seeks half-black, half-native American transsexual midget with red hair and six fingers on right hand. Must enjoy long walks on the beach and murdering prostitutes.
November 15th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Fifteen-year-old soliloquist seeks thirteen-year-old for passionate but ultimately shallow and tragic love affair. Montague or Montague-sympathizer preferred, but not necessary. Starcross’d okay.
November 15th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Wow credit cards won’t help anyone track anyone:
Prepaid Visa Debit Cards are available at any gas station…
Only an idiot would make a questionable purchase with a card with their name on it…
So now the hookers are going to have to charge their clients a “‘registration fee” as well…
November 15th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
141 yr old woman, open to new things, who’s been a bad girl seeking new man, 40-65 yrs old, to tell her what to do. Turn-on: Oxford or Cambridge education. Turn-off: overt pro-Americanism. Contact the Liberal Party of Canada.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Frisky, 16yo blonde girl with southern accent and double D breasts seeks companionship from tranny m2f that is packing. Handcuffs are available upon request. Must by DDF.
November 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Semi-attractive 37-year-old easy-mac addicted navajo knife juggler with multiple personalities, purple mohawk, amber eyes, tongue piercing, wardrobe consisting only of sewn-together towels. Seeks attractive 25-26 year old English teacher with a penchant for accurate grammar, skinning tomatoes, and raccoon taxidermy for an evening of hopscotch and vodka polo, followed up by strip limbo and acoustic guitar de-tuning under a blacklight while my pygmy friend Zeebo sets himself on fire and films us.
No freaks please.
November 15th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Attractive 72 year old war veteran seeks mid-40s “hockey mom”-type. Must be attractive, glasses preferrable. Conversation un-important.
November 15th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Also, fifteen year old male seeks fifteen year old female for the companionship which is so hard to find today. (Bring lube.)
November 15th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Could someone just say the F word? Please, I need this.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Kind, loving and traditional old-fashioned romantic, 32, seeks filthy whore with own anal beads.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Macho Man recently liposucked, seeks mildly retarded MILF Politician from Alaska to act out my Manifest Destiny fantasies.
Hypocritical Republican a plus!
November 15th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Classy, sensitive, church deacon seeking “Clean Sanchez.”
Cheech Marin lookalikes encouraged to apply!!
November 15th, 2008 at 12:30 am
SWM looking for Michael Dorn impersonator (must be professional impersonator) to repeatedly slap my body with a telephone book while wearing a wizard’s robe.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Two transsexual couples seek a fifth for biblical role playing and water sports. You part our seas and we’ll burn your bush.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
23 y/o virgin male, excited with prospect of boobs and/or sex. slight issue with premature eja….
Selling one slightly stained swivel chair. Please contact me if interested. No girls.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Young, attractive tall blonde with large breasts who inexplicably can’t get a date and has to resort to posting on Craigslist.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
I just want someone/something to excretate on my face. Good looks is a bonus, will pay for dinner before and breakfast afterwards. No names please.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
21, pale, looking for young rich atrractive woman who will provide sexual services and pay for my college
November 14th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@KingMonkey:
That’s…. That’s just… sigh.
AWESOME.
November 14th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Holy crap these comments are hilarious
November 14th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Ugly 25 year old male seeks cute girl (any age) for him to stalk for 6 years and eventually kill her then himself after having sex with her dead corpse.
November 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Fat and impotent unstable WoW player who constructs model airplanes for a living, looking for a mentally retarded 45 or more year old woman, preferably into scat. Must be able to enjoy giraffes and nail clippers. Please respond.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
12 Pack: That’s what they all say at first…
November 14th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Wanted: three women, two extra penises. Then I can have an orgy all by myself.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
(In the spirit of Craigslist)
Hi I’m new here, where do I go to meet girls? How much does it cost to get a BJ?
November 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
i just want a hug…
November 14th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Sentient water buffalo with opposable thumbs seeks consenting life form for random orifice plugging. Sentience optional.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Nigerian prince looking for SWF, 18-25, interested in music, art, and helping me wire funds to a secure bank account to prevent it from falling into the hands of the rebels ravaging my beloved country. No baggage, SEC connections pelase.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Ugly fat hairy white male age 20 looking for a 15-24 year old female with Supermodel looks for 23 seconds of sex followed by 4 hours of awkward cuddling and then 3 years of stalking/wooing.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:51 am
As always, looking for ladies, men, or anything else (human, legal, that is, 18, and consenting only!) to spank. Thick a plus, but there are limits people.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:49 am
excellent
November 14th, 2008 at 2:08 am
MS is a FG MN.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
male-ish, 25, seeking hairless female plumber. Must be able to enjoy goats and cottage cheese. Plentiful chest hair is a must.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Confused adult male, seeking hairless Asian male or female. Female: must have biker’s tang. Male: must be down with erratic stink whistles, rob jobs, and my Regis Philbin fetish.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I’m pretty sure this was Hannah Montana’s idea.
November 13th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
35 year old, handsome, 5′11″, male looking for females between 18 and 55. Interests range from amputees, car-crash victims, Condoleezza Rice-look-alikes, midgets w/ diarrhea, Elvis-impersonators, to golden showers, Pokémon-larping, octopuses and anal fisting. Photos and requirements, please!
November 13th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
im trying to buy Gears of War 2…
i think im in the wrong section
November 13th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
49 y/o male searching for 4 y/o goat, doesn’t matter if male or female. Large nipples is bonus on males, must be able to take up to 1 inch. Call if interested, I’ll be waiting!
November 13th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Neither effort nor interest is required on your part.
As a premature ejaculator who’s hung like a baby Gibbon, I’ll be finished before you know I’ve started, leaving you free to spend the evening as you desire and deserve.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Attractive “Woman” looking for open minded male concubine. Must be 6′2″ and at least 10 & 1/2″
November 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Never thinks things through cracked.com poster seeks illiterate technophobe for fun, frolicks and maybe abdominal intercourse. No Dogs.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Mildly attractive 24 year old woman (not a teacher!) seeks boytoy. Those past puberty need not apply. Cracking voice and 3 pubes a bonus. Prefer those who orgasm awkwardly before any physical contact, but must be able to get another boner fast.
What? My dog doesn’t like grown men.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
40 yr old retired crusty, mean looking WM, wishing I was baby faced, Casnadian and single. The other parts I got covered.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
It’s funny how Swaim makes an article trashing craiglist for this kind of stuff while, at the same time, Wong makes an article about how we should bend over for the man and take it up the ass, just because some trolls made him cry.
But the article is great by the way.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Slim, dark-haired, slightly-effeminate-but-good-looking man seeks well-equipped male equids for discreet, passionate encounters. No mares, plz. Also open to donkeys and mules.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I give great head, and occasionally i enjoy sharing my talents with my fellow men.
OH yea, great article. Funny shit.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Lonely man looking for an orifice.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Juicy 36 yr old MILF with DD tits and a 6″ tongue seeks Cracked bloggers for friendship, possible LTR. Must have hairy chest, rock hard abs, baby face, full beard and be Canadian.
If you make me laugh, you can do whatever you want to me.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Ah, you guys didn’t disappoint. Thank you. Also, I’m great at fisting.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
HUMAN MALE SEEKING HUMAN FEMALE FOR HUMAN INTERCOURSE
November 13th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Swaim I do believe you’re keeping Cracked up by yourself. Zing!
…no, wait, that’s rubbish.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
attractive male (prince look alike) seeking a female human with which to engage in rough hardcore oral and penetrative sex with.
males also welcome if this doesnt work out well.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:38 am
and by tender I mean you will be when were done.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Seeking atractive women from Georgia, age 18-28 for normal sex, no fetishes. Unless that fetish is listening to death metal while making sweet “tender” love.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Store-Bought Pre-paid Disposable Credit Cards For the Win?
November 13th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Incredibly hot 25 y/o looking for other cuckolding enthusiasts here!
November 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Simian royalty, approximately X3 years old, seeks 28 to 30 women for romantic walks on the beach, friendship, and who knows? Must be cool with eroticism of many types, including, but not limited to, midgets, trannies, grannies, orphan Annies, oral, anal, armpital, backal, acrobatics, small livestock, fisting, footing, heading, Jell-O (and lots of it!), motherfucking, sisterfisting, golden showers, brown baths, red saunas, watersports (such as polo, beach volleyball), comic books, kama sutra-ing, “experimentation”, cracked.comshots, roleplaying (I’m a level 28 necromancer!), DVDA, TVQA… Fatties will be considered, anorexics will not. Please provide photos, and requirements.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Nah, fisting is so yesterday.
I’m looking for some hot midget DVDA action.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:09 am
gr8 at oral, need sum 1 whos good to.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Reasonably attractive, white, 30-year-old male seeks reasonably attractive white 30-year-old female (preferably from the financial services industry) for dating over a three to five year period followed by (possibly) hot missionary with the lights off.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:49 am
hilarious
November 13th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Comeback, Mo? Fisting hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s here to stay, baby!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Handsome, well-toned 43-year old with gr8t!! abs looking for grl over 300lbs. Must be young (no oldies over 23!) with good paddling skills, strong forearms, and gr8t aim! Romantic dinners, etc.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:27 am
So what fetish will they ramble about today, I”m betting fisting makes a comeback.