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If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested

When did it happen, America? When did we become the police state that we've always feared, that thousands of brave men and women laid down their lives to try and banish from existence?

As I'm sure you've heard by now, Craigslist will henceforth be charging a fee and requiring credit card validation for any posts in the "erotic services" section. At this point I'd usually say something like "well, fuck me," but I'm afraid THE MAN would want my PIN number first.

I'm firmly convinced that in time, this gross invasion of privacy will be viewed as a travesty on par with the CIA bugs and Japanese internment camps of the 50's, forcible quartering of British troops in the 1600's, or theoretical passage of a Patriot Act that also watches you go to the bathroom.

Have you grasped the sheer magnitude of this event? People used to get to post whatever they wanted, offer any kind of depraved, illegal, or animal-related sexual service, and now they can't. That sacred freedom, guaranteed by the Ninth Article of our Constitution, has been denied them by the powers that be.

Have you read 1984? Because this is a million times worse. And Im saying that as someone who hasnt even read the introductory acknowledgments. All I know is, if its anything like that one Apple ad, this has got it beat.

Craigslist, what you are doing is plain wrong. By impinging upon the rights of those of us (not me) who may want to proffer certain erotic talents to the world at large, you are taking away my freedom of speech (although again, not me, but rather a friend of mine).

Worse, you are destroying the fragile psyche of a scared little boy who, raised in a convent by abusive nuns, used to hit himself in the genitals with rulers whenever he had a sexual impulse, and was only able to begin healing upon the discovery of Craigslist and its willingness to cater to any act of perversion, no matter how slathered in cooking lard or likely to result in a lawn dart up the ass.

Again, and I stress this for no particular reason other than the sake of good journalism, Im referring to a very close friend of mine who is by no means me.

But if I were talking about me, Id ask for the good and decent people of the world to rise up and demand the maintenance of our rights by the cold, uncaring Craigslist fat cats who want nothing more than money, money, an end to illegal child trafficking and crackdown on Internet sexual predators, and money. You soulless bastards.

Have you forgotten all the good your erotic services section has done? Let me remind you with some excerpts from sample posts.

  • i am a very successful, good looking, executive producer of major motion pictures. seeking an extremely upscale woman who is african american, white, asian or latin only. thick or overweight is a deal breaker. very classy, intelligent, and discreet. please respond with appropriate photos and know that you need to be available once a week. i am 53 look 38 so be between 21 and 28.
  • MY NAME IS MANDY AND IM ALL ALONE WATCHING PORNOS AND MASTUBATING I WANT SOME OF WHAT YOU HAVE FOR THE HOUR WHICH IS ONLY 200 ROSES... PLEASE GIVE ME A CAL. CAN YOU MAKE ME SQUIRT LIKE A FOUNTAIN?? WELL COME TRY.CALL ME XOXO MANDY
  • Fairly attractive 30's couple is seeking attractive passable transsexual girl. prefer bottom. Please send pic and "requirements". This has been a fantasy of ours for some time. Thanks.
  • Would you really deny these fairly attractive people and major motion picture executives their chance at true love? Would you have them stand under the interrogation lights, fill out forms, fill cups with liquids, undergo public scrutiny all just for your peace of mind?

    After all, whos business is it if weand Im using the abstract, collective we hereoccasionally like to toss the salads of older women who work in food retail? Is that so wrong? Do we not deserve the privacy afforded every American?

    The whole mess is enough to make me wonder if there isnt a way around this little credit card scheme of theirs. For instance, could one create some sort of dummy account, route it through a joint checking account or Paypal, and post anonymously that way?

    Seriously, could they? If anyone knows how to do that, please message me, especially if you are an older woman working in food retail (please, no fatties).

    Someone must take a stand against this injustice. Whats wrong, Barack? I thought you were the change candidate, the President who would end all the secrecy and Government prying. And yet I havent heard a single impassioned speech from you on the plight of the struggling erotic service provider. For shame.

    Well, Ill not stand idle. Until such a time as Craigslist returns the right to privacy to its users, I will no longer be frequenting it, with the possible exception of finding a new couch, which I really need since my current one is covered with lawn dart holes. I suggest you do the same.

    The fact is, the totalitarian regime is already faltering. Since Craigslist started their new pay scheme, theyve gotten eighty percent fewer posters. Clearly, this group of people who refuse to have their names attached to their erotic requests are heroes, unwilling to use a system that denies them their basic freedoms. Kudos, you most silent of majorities.

    But we must not remain silent. Write Craigslist, and tell them that you wont stand for this erosion of the Founders' principles. Remind them that Jefferson slept with his slaves and Franklin had a thing for spaniels, for the history of this glorious nation was not written under the watchful gaze of a Government satellite, but scrawled in back alleys and shouted amidst golden showers.

    And know that hope is not lost. Not every corner of the web has become a panopticum. Here, on this very blog, freedom still reigns. I hereby declare this post Crackeds own erotic services section, and I encourage you to make full use of the comments section for the planning of romantic encounters, boasting of incredible sexual talents, or graphic description of your darkest fetishes.

    I rest assured in the knowledge that the slew of classy, respectful, decent comments sure to follow this post will show Craigslist just how truly they have misjudged the people of the Internet.


    When not writing for Cracked, Michael is inviting disaster as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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