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The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
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Hippy types will often quote the famous line that "man is the only species that kills its own." Of course, any cursory glance at Animal Planet will tell you this is complete bullshit. But it's not just that animals are mindless savages--and they are--it's that some of them are just straight-up douchebags. Such as: #6.
Ants
Ants are famous for hard work and being able to lift many times their body weight, making them the perfect heroes of an Ayn Rand novel, or the perfect working drone of communism depending on who's telling the story. Why Are They Assholes?
Ants are the only species besides humans that carry out wars and enslave their own. And by enslave we mean pulling out the ant whips and putting the other guy to work against his will. When they're not doing that, they like to tear each other limb from limb. Less violent ants prefer to fight their battles via choreographed display fights where specially chosen ants have something like a dance-off to decide which side wins. It's basically like the movie Bring It On, except it ends with the losing team in chains or eaten (which would have improved that movie massively). The victors raid the other nest, capture any survivors and steal all the eggs. Survivors and newborn ants are then forced to work for the victors' nest as long as they live; or at least until their new masters get a craving for some fresh slave ant, and devour them.
#5.
Lions
Ah, the lion. The noblest of animals, always sitting majestically on top of some rock, overseeing his dominion and protecting the pride and so on. Lions are even used in reference to Jesus in the Bible, and Aslan is basically a furry Lion Christ in Narnia. Why Are They Assholes? In technical terms, lions are what Samuel L. Jackson would call "motherfuckers." If there is one thing lions love to do, it's moms. Unfortunately, female lions don't like to put out when they're raising a kid. So, when the lions want some but the kids are in the way, they walk up to the little brats and maul them to death. Then, to add insult to injury, they bone the mother ten ways till Sunday.
#4.
Cuckoos
Why Are They Assholes? Cuckoo bird parents like to use something called Brood Parasitism to raise their kids, which sounds like something involving alien monsters bursting out of their chests. The reality isn't all that much better.
What happens is female cuckoos lay their eggs in some other birds' nest, where the little baby cuckoo, already born in full-asshole-mode, will try to get rid of the nest owners' real chicks and eggs by kicking them out of the nest, sending them plunging to their doom. That way, the nest owner will feed the intruding little psychopath instead of actually raising their own young. You may be wondering why a bird would raise a cuckoo chick that obviously doesn't look anything like his real chicks. Perhaps you're imagining the male bird suspecting that the female has been having an affair with an old high school flame, never daring to confront her about it as he slowly sinks into alcoholism before blowing his own brains out with his old army pistol.
Well, no. Most birds are just really fucking stupid and they figure that if it's in their nest, it has feathers and it's asking for food, then it's probably theirs. Some birds, though, are a bit smarter and try to refuse to raise cuckoo chicks by either throwing away cuckoo eggs or even completely abandoning their own nests if all that is left is a cuckoo egg inside. And that's when they get visited by the Cuckoo Mafia. Hey, don't look at us, it's actually called the Mafia Hypothesis.
If a bird refuses to raise a cuckoo, then it gets visited by some adult cuckoos who will beat the crap out of them, trash the nest and possibly kill a few of their young in the process until the other bird wises up and stops asking questions the next time one of his kids look a little bit different. Capisce? |
Lark Buntings: These little feathered assholes form rape mobs that chase down fertile females from other males' territories and try to copulate with them. This is a fairly new discovery headed up by Bruce Lyon of UC Santa Cruz, so there's no references to link yet. But seriously, two words: rape mobs. They even alter the coloration of their plumage while they're doing it to make them look more masculine and aggressive.
Rape mobs!
When I clicked on this article, I thought: "Humans háve to be on top!" Turns out there not. C'mon folks, after writting the awesome Monkeysphere article, humans just hád to be on top of this list.
By the way, dolphins depicted as a mix between Buddha and Aquaman? I think Aquaman would've killed someone for the awesome superpower to be able to locate internal organs with sonar. Same with zombies.
O and ants aren't douchebags, they're just friggin' awesome. I mean, if we would even be 10% like ants we would've conquered the galaxy by now ;)
Chimps also go to war :P they usually go in groups of 5-ish into enemy territory to find and kill members of the pack that live there.
Also cats kill for fun. Pretty sure other some other animals do it as well.
Ps : Dolphins are so smart they know we are about the same level on the Bastard-scale and they like us for it.
That's why they save us from time to time :P
Lol, love it, the two closet things to us in intelligence are also gigantic douchebags to everything else around them.
You see? It's freakin' evolution!
tinygod,
First off, it's 'eltrut' and not elton, you f*****g colon roach.
Second, he wrote "female lions don't like to put out when they're raising a kid. So, when the lions want some but the kids are in the way, they walk up to the little brats and maul them to death."
This is not f*****g true. This only happens when a younger male wants to become the alpha-male. The younger lion will battle with the alpha male and then he kills the cubs so the females will mate and have HIS offspring.
And the reason they have so much sex is because it's extremely hard for the females to get pregnant.
So, stop wcking off to gay midget porn and pick up a book, ass leech :)
STAR TREK trailer leaked! May 2009!! Awesome...
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=2bda3fc88c2abd6eb3e9
Thats probably how Brad Pitt veiws the world too!
Becky, I understand what you are going through. I'm sure you are nothing like your mother and I would like to talk all of this over while I fist you.
"Hail to the Ants"
You realize, Satan is also referred to as "A roaring lion seeking to devour someone." So, yes, lions definitely fit the list
im pretty sure this story is actually old. go to http://stuffididlastnight.com for full details
I think pandas deserve to be in the running too. Pandas are an endangered species so you think they'd have sex like there's no tommorow but no they just sit there like jackasses while governments and charities allover the world waste millions of dollars trying to save that evolutionary dead of a species.
Those are bed bugs (Cimex lectularius)) not bat bugs. They are similar, but not the same. It's called traumatic copulation (or traumatic insemination), and I think it is fun as it sounds... or the opposite. What sucks for her is she delivers the eggs in the normal way, so its double-suck for her. and to answer your question... it is 98% with chimps.
i f*****g lost it at the picture of the dolphin with the assault rifle hahaha
All of my ex-step-dads and my mom's ex-boyfriends will tell you...she isn't like a lioness at all. She's totally good to go, no matter whether or not me or any other kids are around.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm baby chimp
Slightly disturbing- but entertaining. Those African Batbugs are....creepy.
"I get the sneaking suspicion you've never actually read an Ayn Rand novel."
I get the sneaking suspicion you're a pseudo-intellectual with a chip on his shoulder.
To Elton:
He never said male lion's kill their own offspring. He said they kill Other Lion's Offspring, so that they can bone that Mother.
Also: what are you the f*****g lion police. Are you a lion yourself? Did you survive a horrible incident early in your childhood, inwhich a lion "DID NOT" murder your brother and than in turn rape your mother?
Or are you just the guy who should be added to the list, under Humans. they should be the number 1 on this list. human beings, worlds biggest dicks. Elton proves my point
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Male tigers have been known to bite the heads off of tiger cubs in order to get the mother to come in to estrus again.