Growing up, I always imagined that the shows I enjoyed watching simply had enormously detailed toy lines spring up from no-where after the show had become popular. “Look at that successful cartoon!” I imagined toy scientists saying to each other from behind a two-way mirror. “I bet if we sold toys depicting those easily-merchandisable figures, we could make a lot of money!”
Of course that wasn’t the case, and in fact it happened exactly the other way around: the toys preceded the cartoon. He-Man, Gi Joe, the Transformers. Cultural touchstones for a generation. The equivalent would be if the moon landing was staged in an effort to sell Tang. The gaining of this knowledge, and the cynicism that came with it is probably the greatest tragedy of my adolescence, even more so than the 12 years of puberty.
Evidently this heroically shameless feat of advertising was pretty controversial at the time, and the grown-ups of the day expressed great concern that their children would grow up to be ravenous consumers of pop-culture garbage, which actually turned out to be pretty prescient. At the time, the producers of the cartoons threw a sop to these parents in the form of little morals or “life lessons” which could be delivered at the end of each cartoon. Which is how an entire generation learned the truth about “bad touching” from a man wearing furry underpants.
Turning lessons about not drinking poison and respecting your elders into something commercial is pretty horrible, and is probably why I’m so suspicious of old people to this day. Because this element of my childhood was so badly warped and mistreated, and on the advice of my psychologist as a way to bring closure to this whole sordid situation, I’ve decided to take those cartoon life lessons, and turned them into something beautiful - internet comedy.
Life Lessons He-Man should have been teaching us all along.
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Today we saw what happened when Skeletor and his team of international terrorists attacked Teela’s Christmas party. Because he was unprepared, He-Man was forced to engage in a deadly game of cat and mouse 40 stories in the air. And the whole time he has to fight without his most important weapon: his shoes. If someone as strong as He-Man needs shoes to protect his feet from Germans and shattered glass, then they must be pretty important. Remember to wear your shoes at all times, and never hand a stranger a gun unless you’ve previously unloaded it.
__
You just saw what happened when Man-at-Arms was cornered in a prison bathroom by a group of sodomites. Even though he was hopelessly outnumbered, he fought back as hard as he could, even if it only made his attackers angrier and their eventual ministrations all the more vicious. Man-at-Arms did that because he knows that to passively give in to a prison-rape is to die a little on the inside.
__
In today’s story we saw Flalin realize that his 15 year marriage to Orelia was an empty sham, and that however much he might have cared for her in the past, she was now a terrible burden weighing him down. It can be hard to give up on a relationship that long, especially when you have such young children, but it’s important to realize that you have a lot to offer to the world, and that if you don’t look out for your best interests, no-one will.
__
Adam sure was mad today when he turned on the radio and heard the latest popular song, where over a pulsing, syncopated backbeat Skeletor boasted of an incident where he had made love to Adam’s sister before ejaculating in her hair. It’s important to remember that when confronted by a dis track to keep your temper. Getting back at someone by releasing your own dis track or even by cutting off their Escalade and firing several rounds into it like Adam did today, will only make things worse.
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Orko sure thought it was his lucky day today, didn’t he? Meeting a beautiful woman like Stephie doesn’t happen to guys like him very often, much less a woman who wants to get physical so quickly. But one way that Orko wasn’t very lucky was when he got Chlamydia. Becoming involved with a loose woman often feels like a good idea, but depending on the lighting things aren’t always what they seem. If you ever have any doubts about a woman you’ve just met, ask a friend for their advice - or even their help.
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When Man-at-Arms snuck up and draped his testicles on Ram Man’s forehead while he was sleeping, that was a pretty funny thing. Everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. They were falling down they were laughing so hard. But what wasn’t so funny was later when Ram Man was alone in the bathroom, crying and punching the mirror. When he was growing up Ram Man’s father told him he’d kill Ram Man if he grew up to be a homo, and now Ram Man didn’t know what to think about anything. That’s why it’s important to be aware of your friends childhood psychoses before teabagging them.
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Orko learned a valuable lesson today when he was caught masturbating on the train. Even though the memories of a certain chesty ticket agent haunted his mind and loins, and even though there was no-one sitting in the same row as him, Orko still should have known better. Because even if the Sorceress didn’t have powerful bird senses that could acutely hear those distinctive and repetitive noises, he surely would have been caught by anyone glancing up at the enormous reflection of him in the train’s skylights.
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In today’s story, Man-E-Faces got placed in a tricky situation when he found out his daughter was dating a Samoan drug dealer. By forbidding that she see the fellow any further he actually pushed her further away from him, and then got his house shot up a bit as well. He-Man came to the rescue today, but he might not be able to help if the same happens to you. Remember that most problems like this can be solved by simply discussing your concerns calmly and openly, or by staging a shooting to look like it was done by a rival gang.
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In today’s story we saw young Trevor have to make a decision we all hope we’ll never have to make for ourselves: turning your parents in for sedition. Trevor had been taught that it was important to obey your mother and father. But Trevor also loved his country very much, and in the end he knew he did the right thing. If you’re concerned about your parents and the newsletter they’re constantly working on, or the men with heavy facial hair who come and go at all hours of the night, or the stockpile of long guns growing in the basement, then know that you have the strength to do the right thing too.
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One of the hardest things everyone must do while growing up is putting down the family dog because it’s gone rabid. It’s easy to want to run away from this responsibility, as we saw Orko do today. But it’s important to find the courage within yourself to face up to your responsiblity, and take out the trigger slack on what once was your best friend, as it will give you the strength of character to one day later in life be cold and distant towards women. And that’s the greatest power of all.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under He-Man, and the Masters of the Universe. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 am
i dont think so .
That really strange
April 15th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Not that I’m totally impressed, but this is more than I expected for when I found a link on SU telling that the info here is quite decent. Thanks.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
well the best show was roundhouse. i wish it was atleast on dvd. the gi joe movie is coming out soon!
November 26th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
True,but then again,”He Man”didn’t get turned into a Box Office Smash last year like”Transformers”!!
GI Joe was okay,but seeing as I’m about to hit the big 50 in February,I kinda like the organized mayhem of the cartoons I grew up on in the 60’s:Tom&Jerry;Looney Tunes;Rocky&Bullwinkle;George of the Jungle;Yogi Bear and Quick Draw McGraw!!!*
FYI:Cartoon Network:Dump the interchangeable crapola cartoons and the Anime Crapola and’Adult Swim’Crapfests like”Aqua Teen Hunger Force”and bring back the great old above mentioned toons listed above!!
FYI Part 2:Warner Home Video-Since you own the copyrights to all the Hanna Barbera Cartoons,BRING “QUICK DRAW MCGRAW”OUT ON DVD ASAP!!!
PUHLEASE!!!
Actually,the sissiest cartoon character was Casper The Friendly Ghost!!Think about it!!He goes up to innocent bystanders and sez”Can I Be Your Friend??”only to watch them freak out and run screaming like they’ve escaped from the Insane Asylum!!
Then he gets all whiny assed and starts bawling like a Swiss Schoolgirl until a little kid or some animal befriends him!!
Hmm!!A stranger in a white sheet befriends a little kid??
Sounds like the KKK’s got a new recruiting tactic!!
“What’s the matter Casper??”.
“No one wants to be my friend!!”.
“I’ll be your friend Casper!!”.
“You Will??Great!!By the way,have I told you how Seven Jewish Bankers who all work for the Rothschilds have this secret plan to let inferior races undermine the pure Aryan Americans who built this country??”.
“Well,Gee Casper,No They Didn’t!!”.
“Well Timmy,how would you like to come to our meeting tonight
outside of town??We’ll have sing alongs and a big ol’bonfire where the Grand Dragon gives a speech right before we burn a cross!!”.
“Oh Boy!!Would I??!!!You Bet!!Can I Bring a Few Friends Along??”.
“Well,as long as theyr’e not named Jose;Nyugen;Guisippe;Hyman;Achmed;Ivan or Keisha,you sure can!!”.
While wer’e on the subject of CTFG Cartoons,I imagine what it’d be like if Rodney Daingergield and Michael Jackson showed up:
“Nobody Wants To Be My Friend Because I’m a Ghost!!”.
“Ha!!I Know How You Feel Casper!!”.
“Rodney Daingerfield??”.
“Yeah Casper,I’m Tellin’Ya I Get No Respect!!!I Caught My Wife In Bed With The FedEx Guy!!I Said’What Do You Think Your’e Doing???!!’.
She Looked At Me Then She Looked At Me and Said’Told You He wouldn’t Know!!’.”.
“And I Know How You feel Too Casper!!I’m Very Pale;Adults Are Scared Of Me But Kids Love Me!!”.
“Michael Jackson???Man,This Shit’s Getting Too Freaky For Me!!
Rodney Daingerfield I Can Handle,But Michael Jackson??Way Too Freaky Deaky!!”.
November 25th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
He Man And transformers sucked and was for sissys. GI JOE WAS THE GREATEST
November 20th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I watched this piece o’cheap crapola a few times in the 80’s because there probably wasn’t anything else on at the time!!
Okay,Before There Was”The Ambigiously Gay Duo”of’Ace and Gary’,There Was He Man and His Crew!!!
James Dobson Went AfterThe Wrong Cartoon in 2005!!
“Spongebob Squarepants”Ain’t Part Of The”Homosexual Agenda”!!*
“He Man”Was!!
(*Although I Feel That It was About Drugs!Think About It:Spongebob’s Definitely Been Tweakin’Meth while Patrick’s Been Smokin’ WAAYY Too Much Weed while Squidawrd’s Hooked On Oxycontinin!!).
You Could Tell By His Hair Do and His Entourage!!
Pals Like”Ram Man”!!How Gay Can You Get??
Hell,They Predated Queer Eye For The Straight Guy By two Decades!!
And The Guy Who Played Jack on”Will and Grace”,Most Definitely’Dorko’!!
All we Need Is An Appearance By Ted Haggard and We’ll “Have A Gay Old Time!!”.
November 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
great article haha
November 18th, 2008 at 2:10 am
surprisingly enough, i learned fuck all from this article. no info on how to be a strait he-man (is it even possible?). I think my balls just died from his god damned haircut, and im pretty sure it’s not a good thing.
congratulations to azrael who has evidently never had anything more exiting than being the first to post on a blog happen in his life. but thank you for not saying “FIIIIIRRRSSSTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!”
besides, im the greatest human being ever. you got no right steppin in on my turf, bitch!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
The waxed buff chest and Prince Valiant haircut are about as gay a combo as you can get. I always wanted to fuck Teela ’cause I knew she wasn’t getting any (unless it was from Battlecat).
November 13th, 2008 at 6:30 am
You don’t want to know what’s under that robe quite frankly.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
How does Orko masturbate? Does he even have a lower torso?
November 12th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
lame
November 12th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Excellent. But then again a bit disturbing? Useful indeed…
November 11th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Man. You are a glorious stack of meat. We have a congolmerate of prison rape, tea-bagging, samoan drug dealers, public indecency, rabies, STD’s, shoot-outs, sedition, empty relationships, and the need for shoes!
Its -just- like my family reunion!!!
November 11th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
huh… what?
I’m so lost right now.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
The references here were over my head. The testicles, however, were right about at forehead level.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
That was…. that was just…. wow I learned a lot. Thanks Bucholz, now I can finally call on something to remind me that shoes are necessary!
Also, tee hee, prison rape
November 11th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I think I missed those episodes. Shame, that, they looked pretty entertaining.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I used to love this show!! And Tarzan, and Batman, and….
November 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
“The equivalent would be if the moon landing was staged in an effort to sell Tang.”
God damn it. The conspiracy theorists are going to be all over this one.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
She-man and He-ra, the transgendered version of the Masters of the Universe!
November 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I feel so dirty.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
The best lesson I learned from He-Man is that the Skeletor action figure isn’t edible.
That and a waxed, buff chest, crossed armor and a pair of hotpants works great for a night out the town.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:42 am
That tea-bagging lesson was heartbreaking.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Fisto would have a great career in internet p0rn. I’m sure someone here has seen and will kindly provide a link to it in 5… 4… 3…
November 11th, 2008 at 9:53 am
…
…
…
Oh my God.
My name is Trevor.
I … I have to go talk to my dad now….
November 11th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Wow, I was apparently first. I’ve never ever been first before, and while I don’t want to be an idiot that screams “First!”, I do feel like a big shot now. Hell, I was first! No one else will ever be first commenting on this article! I think it’s safe to say that I am an amazing person and the greatest human being to have ever lived. I’ll be posting my biography so that everyone can marvel at what a life I’ve led!
NOTE: If you’ve ever seen the movie Highlander II: The Quickening, well, that’s basically my life story. That’s why it was so different, I licensed them my real story of an alien-turned-Scottish-Highlander, the only differences were that I look nothing like Christopher Lambert and that I can also be killed by being smothered by a pair of breasts. And I have yet to see a dime from that movie, they keep telling me the check is in the mail, but its been 20 years or so now…
November 11th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Fantastic. Really, quite superb
November 11th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Chris, you are a marvelous bastard.