I cannot stress how important these next four years are going to be.
Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been an unfair racial imbalance in this country and, with an African American President, we finally have a chance to remedy this injustice. It’s time to prove that anyone can grow up to be anything, regardless of the color of their skin. It’s time to level the playing field. It’s time we find the antidote for the poison of racial inequality that has plagued one particular race for far too long now. This is our chance.
I’m speaking, of course, about White People.
For the first time in a very, very long time, the White Man finally has the chance to be Cool again. As a white-ish* man, all I have to say to the rest of you is this: Do not blow this for me.
Wrap your brains around this: For the first time in American History, “The Man” isn’t white anymore. Do you have any idea how important that is for us? For too long, we haven’t been able to recapture coolness because we’ve all been “The Man.” I don’t like it any more than you do, but that’s just the way it works. “The Man” was white, and you can’t be cool if you’re the man. Oppression, (and, with it, rebellion), is ingrained in the “Cool Spirit.” Or, to put it in the words of Lewis MacAdams, the dude who literally wrote the book on cool, “Cool is inherently political. Racism and the need to deal with it permeated every aspect of the birth of the cool.” The Cool Man needs to believe he’s on the outside of some kind of vast, oppressive conspiracy bent on keeping him down and, as long as “The Man” doing the oppressing was white, we weren’t legally allowed to be cool. The White Man’s seemingly perpetual “The Man-status” has forever kept us, (and, more importantly, me), on the inside of that conspiracy. But not any more. Obama’s election means the balance shifts.
White Folks, it’s time for us to take back Cool.
Enjoy your country, sucker!
Now, while an Obama Administration makes it impossible for black people to be cool, it does not guarantee white coolness, it just makes it possible. This is an important distinction. It means that we can still screw this up.
Just stay focused. In the wise words of former professor of Race Relations at Harvard University Soren Bowie, “When you’re not ‘The Man,’ you can be…the man.” We’re not “The Man” anymore, we’re not keeping anyone down. The Man is keeping us down. We’re on the outside. The edge! We’re the ones who get screwed, and we’re the ones for whom the system does not work. Whiteys, we are Shaft! Shaft!Fucking finally!
Everything in my life has been leading up to this moment.
Now, it would be really easy for us (you) to ruin this for the rest of us (me), so pay attention. First and foremost, White People, stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. It’s not cool, trust me. While you’ve certainly had the market cornered on “hip irony” for the last few years, you still have no idea what it means to be cool. As research for this column, I hung out at a Starbucks listening to a bunch of white people talk the other day, and you know what they discussed? Fuel efficiency. Indie-rock How I Met Your Mother. Their 401(k)s.
I don’t think I need to tell you that there is nothing cool about any of those things. It’s pathetic.
What we need to do is think back and channel the coolness of our ancestors. Think back to that mythical time when it actually was cool to be white. Think of a time, dear readers, when guys like Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne wandered the Earth, chain-smoking, binge-drinking and chain-fucking like there was no tomorrow. You think Humphrey Bogart cared about his 401(k)? You think James Dean would be scouring the internet in search of some leaked Weezer tracks? Do you think Frank Sinatra would’ve given a shit about the Toyota Prius?
No, no, no. Those guys were cool and white, because that’s what life used to be like. Don’t believe me? Watch Mad Men. It’s set in the 1960s, back in a time when smoking was indoors, white men were cool, and women were reliable and silent, like sexy pieces of furniture. Just look at this friggin’ Mad Men guy.
That’s probably a direct quote from an actual episode. That’s how cool we can be.
Watch Mad Men, rent some Bogart flicks, and start taking notes. Are you taking notes? Dammit, White People, that was a test and you failed. Never take notes, note-taking isn’t cool. Put the pen down.
Just watch those movies and start living your life like those guys. Wander around in a fucking suit, smoke cigarettes and just be generally unimpressed by everyone. And relax. You know that White Guilt that’s plagued you all your life? Wave Goodbye. It’s somebody else’s guilt now.
Nobody said it’d be easy. Chump.
Friends, the naysayers are going to have a whole lot of things to say on this issue.(Things like “nay,” for example.) These are people who think white people had their chance at coolness and blew it. They’ll say we’ve been uncool for too long, that there’s no way we could turn this around. They may even argue that our lack of coolness is due to some inherent genetic flaw. They’ll say, in accordance with our biological makeup, we simply cannot be cool. And you know what I say to that?
Yes We Can.
Yes We Can.
*[Full Disclosure: While the exact specifics of my race and heritage are still up in the air I am, for the purposes of this article, 'White.' Again, that is strictly for the sake of this article. Call me 'White' to my face, I dare you. See what happens. See what fucking happens.]
This entry was posted on Friday, November 14th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under DOB is Spider-Man, White People Can Be Cool Again. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Disney to Reboot Mickey Mouse, Internet to Make Fun of Them
My Brief Time as Encyclopedia Brown's Partner
So You Need to Disarm A Chimpanzee
5 Steps to Writing Successful Erotic Fiction
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:16 am
This guy is just tooo funny… can’t believe this didn’t get more exposure…
September 28th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I didn’t know everyone could get so bent out of shape over an article on a comedy website, much less up in arms to attack something that wouldn’t change no matter what you do.
September 12th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Good thing Obama’s black AND WHITE!
August 6th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
First of all, “reverse racism” is the same thing as racism.
Second of all, every person has been prejudiced at one point or another, white, black, hispanic, native american, you name it. As everyone should know already, to be racist is a choice for the individual and falls back on thier beliefs. I cannot make another person change his values because there is no way another person can convince someone that his beliefs are wrong. I’m not racist, I just felt the need to point that out.
Finally, to the people like LGHJHGJ, your comment is just plain ignorant. Any person with a rudementary understanding of how the economy works would realize that the economic crisis today was not caused by not hiring black workers, as you so bluntly state it. It was caused by people being unable to pay back the loans that they took out of the bank (through both credit cards and home equity) and, once the boom cycle stopped growing (which is a natural occurence for any growing economy), nobody could pay back the money they borrowed. In case you didn’t know, this event was aptly called “the bubble bursting” not “the result of not giving jobs to minorities”. So please, cut your complaining and face the facts. If nobody is giving you a job for WHATEVER reason, take the affirmative action, and move somewhere else. Don’t simply b**** and complain about somebody else.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:20 am
haha but the black people can still be cool if their presidents.
February 7th, 2009 at 10:51 am
@ Louise:
AMEN to that. dear god, let’s get over the degenerating race card. and no one has ANY excuse to talk crap about race and how they’re limited to succeed b/c of it. it’s called getting off your ass and actually working hard to get what you want, no matter what race you are.
and i’m so sick of “whites” always being talked to however others feel they want to b/c they feel it’s more acceptable. i.e. “whitey,” “white boy”…..etc etc. can’t go up to an Indian and say “hey brown one,” or dare to say black….only african american b/c that’s more PC. i believe this is what some may call reverse racism.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Thats was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever read!!!
January 20th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
“Whites can…be cool….again.” Again? Ummm….we NEVER lost it. If you feel you did BECAUSE you’re white, you’re more brainwashed than you realize. Grow some balls, and stand up straight. We don’t want to see your backside anymore. The only good thing about Obama being elected is that he has officially revoked the “victim” card from all other blacks. They’ve no excuses. Blame this “Whitey” if you want. You’ll get no freebies from me.
January 20th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
This is the dumbest thing I have ever read.
“And before you retaliate, think about the above for a second, and maybe it will make sense. Maybe, if companies would have had more blacks working for them, and not homeless in the streets YEARS AGO, we probably would not have this problem”
the only reason we have this economic problem is because people who do not have money, borrow money that they cant pay back. And when the bank asks for this money they never see it. Trillions of non existent money has been handed out over the last half century. It needs to stop. The notion that we are in this crisis because black people didnt have jobs, you can get a job anywhere put on some nice clothes, get a nice scent, talk nicely, and if you don’t get hired, say well thank you anyway I tried my hardest. Don’t get defensive and say its because I’m black. I have black friends who came from poor families and have better jobs than I do. IT IS possible if you try and don’t blame others for your idiocy.
January 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I hate this country and I have lived here all my life. The way everyone thinks is so self centered, what are you going to do for me today. I see plenty of black people having awesome lives, and they are some of the best people I have ever met. You don’t make it anywhere unless you do something for yourself. We don’t need a “cool” president. We need one that will make the right decisions and take opinions of the people. Obama might be African American but I bet you he will not do anything about the natural segregation that has happened in this country. We the people need to help ourselves, we need to take active roles in politics. The biggest problem in this country right now is the Federal Reserve not racism. Please, Please, Please if you take anything from this, STOP playing the race card, I’m sick of it, everyone is sick of it. The best candidate will be selected for whatever job, SO MAKE YOURSELF THE BEST CANDIDATE. The election makes me sick.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Can WE ALL JUST GET ALONE
December 28th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
@ LGHJHGJ
shut the fuck up. this whole administration is reverse fuckin racism. a whopping 98% of blacks voted for obama, regardless of whether or not they followed anything politically related, just b/c he was black. and upper class, white collared WHITES voted for him as well. you know, “racist” whites. what the hell does that say?
it’s so annoying and SO old having the race card being pulled out whenever it’s convenient and having present day whites being pinpointed for what happened in the past.
and btw people, obama is HALF BLACK. i’m pretty sure that doesn’t qualify him as all black, and him being raised by white grandparents and a white mother. he does have both backgrounds in his blood. dumbasses.
December 19th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I love you
Hahaha
Ignore everyone’s else’s bullshit
You’re all sad
December 18th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
lame you are a douche
LGHJHGJ you are a faggot
case closed
fuck yeah whitey
December 17th, 2008 at 1:33 am
OK SO NOW, WHITE PEOPLE ARE HOGGING UP ALL THE MISERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, what does a black man do when he never got to work in the all white USA, and has zero dollars in his bank account since the day he was born?
What does a black person do when he is constantly racially profiled, and forgotton, while white people complain about a situation that I have been going through all my life?
Well, at least, it is nice to see that white people in the USA, are having hard financial times. Now you know what it feels like to be a black person with just one or our problems…………
And before you retaliate, think about the above for a second, and maybe it will make sense. Maybe, if companies would have had more blacks working for them, and not homeless in the streets YEARS AGO, we probably would not have this problem…………That is what greed and fear does to you people with ignorance, still complaining about problems anew, this is a black person life from the day they are born. So, stop hoggin up all the misery now!!!!!!!
December 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I’m uncool also.I really don”t give a shit who is in office.But then again I’m not black,an illegal,gay,unemployed,racist,or on welfare.I get a little busy teaching my kids not to be a whiny,racist,nosey assholes.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
So what are you saying here, that white people aren’t cool? So if whites aren’t, who is? Black people? Yeah, if it’s cool to be in prison, to have a bunch of different kids by different men (or a bunch of baby mammas), to be a crackhead, to be loud, obnoxious, ignorant, lazy and unable to read or hold a job, then I’m fucking THRILLED TO DEATH that I’m so “uncool”. Call me crazy, but I’m more interested in being a productive member of society, getting a college education, working hard, paying my mortgage, and being a good wife to my husband than I am in “being cool”, especially if you have to be a deadbeat to be cool. It’s blatantly obvious that certain groups don’t think that education, family values, proper behavior, committed relationships and not breaking the law is totally uncool, which is why they aren’t getting anywhere in life. But that is of course the fault of whitey, like everything else, right? Give me a fucking break.
Besides, who the fuck cares about being cool once they get out of high school? That shit is for children with nothing better to do with their lives. Maybe learning to read, taking care of your kids, and not being a bunch of fucking criminals should be the new cool thing. We’d all be a whole hell of a lot better off if that’s the type of shit that people would concern themselves with, instead of this asinine nonsense about “cool”.
Yeah, I know this was SUPPOSED to be funny, but seriously…racial humor is so fucking lame. In fact, I’d be so bold as to call it….THE HEIGHT OF UNCOOL.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
wtf now u need to be white to be cool?
November 30th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
ya im starting a white power group to bring down the man, we’re calling ourselves the white tigers. if you wanna join we meet on thursdays at noon by the brooklyn bridge. password is sic semper tyranus.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
woooow, you my friend are totally fucked uppppp
its time to recapture coolness? you cant “capture” coolness, its either you are or you arent
and if your trying to be cool, then you deffinately arent, no coool person tries to be cool
November 28th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Fu*k, does that mean if I try to act white I’m cool now?
November 25th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
ya know, even after all these years smoking is still pretty cool
I mean I still wouldn’t do it because it’s a waste of money and health……but it’s still cool
November 24th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
well right now I guess I have to reply with “HEY MAN IT’S A FREE COUNTRY! I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT! THE ECONOMY? HELL IF IT WERN’T FOR ALL THE MONEY THAT GOES TO WELFARE, THE ECONOMY WOULD BE IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE! EARTH? HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT EARTH LOOKS LIKE IN AND AROUND THE GHETTOS LATELY? LOOKS LIKE HELL MAN! but come naugiration day I’ll reply with “where dat mofo at? i’ll cut him from lip ta hip! honkey bastard!
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
why cant we just read the blog and laugh, whites always have to say something racist its like you guys just have to mess everything up the economy, earth etc… if you cant be cool just shut the hell up
thanks
November 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
oh my goodness! is it “giggy” or “jiggy” I’m really not certain? I guess I need to get that right before I move into my whiterican american role. One other question if I may? If my baby does indeed have back, do I express this to my fellow whiterican americans, or do I play it cool and let them notice this at their own pace?
November 21st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hey I like it! Never really looked at it that way. “Shaft” Iz just talkn bout Shaft. So do dat mean I gets ta tawk lika black man now? Do it mean I gets ta hang on the skreet wif my homies, drinkn malt liker and tuggn on my big black balls? Will black women give in now, when I ax’em ta gimme summa dat sweet meat? Does I gotta wait till nauguration day or can I start today?
I certianly hope I can start today because I’ve been in anticipation of this possible scenario for quite some time now. Please advise me on this much delightful situation.
November 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Yeah. Enough of this continued growth shit! Stick to the same old tired joke, Dan!
November 19th, 2008 at 1:07 am
yeah, i agree bring back mabisms.
she’s turned into quite the whiner recently…
“wah-wah people throwing bananas at my student driving car”
“boo-hoo, somebody hacked my youtube account!”
November 18th, 2008 at 1:15 am
While we’re at it, bring back mabisms. Fuck Hannah Montana, then punch her in the womb to abort the child.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
While wer’e at it,bring back the Cartoons we grew up with!!
Used to be,you got up on Saturday Morning or you came home from school and watched your local kid show host like Sherriff Sam or Saint Crispin show Looney Tunes;Tom&Jerry;Quick Draw McGraw;Yogi Bear and The Three Stooges commit mayhem while you laughed yourself silly!!
Now,the only Old School Kid’s show Host is Krusty the Clown on The Simpsons!!
And Hell!!He’s Fictional!!Now Itchy and Scratchy are what woulda happened if Quentin Tarrantino and/or Sam Peckinpah woulda directed Tom&Jerry!!
Anyway,look what’s on the four majors and one minor when it comes to Kid Vids:
NBC-Something called QUOBO!!All Nice and Innofensive Cartoons and Kid’s Shows like”Veggie Tales”*(*A Bunch of Vegetables Teach Us Christian Values!!);”Babar”*(*An Anthromorphic Elephant Is a Wise and Benevolevent Ruler of a Mythical Jungle Kingdom!!);”Theodore Tugboat”*(*The Maritime Version of Thomas the Tank Engine!!One Bright Spot,Denny dillon,Former Mamas and Papas Vocalist Hosts It!!).
CBS-Some crap called Kewlopolis hosted by a teenage girl named Cake who lives with her friends in an Airstream Trailer and makes crafts in between very crappy cartoons like Dino Squad(Kids Morph Into Dinosaurs!!);Strawberry Shortcake(80’s Girls Toys Rehashed for the 21st Century!!)and Care Bears(Yet Another Line of 80’s Toys Brought Back!!).
ABC-Hannah Montana/That’s So Raven/The Suite Life With Zack&Cody/That’s So Disney Rebadging!!
Basically,Since Disney Owns ABC,They Move Their Disney Channel Shows to ABC!!Okay,Raven and Hannah Montana can sometimes be amusing,still-Yawners!!
Fox-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(Again!!Good Lord!!);Some Lame Assed Cartoon Based On Some Equally Lame assed Japanese Game!!;Some Lame Assed Cartoon Based On Some Lame Assed 90’s Video Game!!
Hell!!In The 90’s,Fox Had Some Fairly cool Toons Like Bobby’s World and Eek the Cat!!Now,PHFFTTT!!!
The CW/WB:Okay.Bat,man;Superman;Some Lame Assed Cartoon Based on Some Lame Assed Video Game/Japanese Card Game!
One Bright Spot;”Tom&Jerry Tales”!!Kind of a slightly modern,yet retro version of Tom&Jerry!!
Now Seriously:Bring Back Magilla Gorilla;Top Cat;Yogi Bear;Quick Draw McGraw;Pink Panther;Looney Tunes Among Others!!
Damn!!Next Thing You Know,We’ll Have”DEsperate Housewives:The Animated Series”!!
November 17th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Which part of you is the Sex Cyborg part? Because I hope it’s the wang.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
DOB he’s a manly man. If he can’t do Montana who can?
November 17th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Ripoff- Don Draper, SNL. Get some originality, and don’t steal from SNL.
Also Birth of Cool is not, cool. Cool is a musical form used in jazz you chode monger.
November 17th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Heh heh. I live on Oahu. I am white. I am ten percent of the population. Japanese..Hawaiian..Polynesians, etc. make up the majority. And I live in Obama’s hometown..
They call us hauole..(I’m spelling it wrong)..but it’s slang for white.
I love the role reversal..bring it. Let the rest of the country try and get it..we don’t care here. Marry a pig..no one cares. The rest of the country is years behind..
November 17th, 2008 at 5:52 am
this was the dumbest thing i ever read.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:03 am
THAT IS THE FLAW!!!!!! (*mumbling*arrggrgrggghhhghghh…I’m meeeeltinnngggggg…..)
November 16th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I refuse to believe that Staff Sergent Max Fightmaster, the most bad assedly named dude ever, wears a suit most of the time.
November 16th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
I’m white, I wear a suit most of the time, I smoke and I am generally unimpressed by everyone and everything.
YES WE CAN!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
does this mean that Dan isnt cool right now?
November 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Rofl@Ramen King.
Exactly what I was thinking.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
That should read.
The reason they invented whiskey was to prevent the IRISH from taking over the world.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
The reason they invented whiskey was to prevent the Iris from taking over the world.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
You know if White people had there own separate tv channel, it would instantly be tagged as white supremest, racist, channel.
Its a double slandered, if whites try to do there own think, there racist.
(BTW im not white)
I would love to see a white shaft, lol, that would be awesome, and that comic had me laughing for awhile, funny stuff!
November 16th, 2008 at 11:42 am
“Chicken Boo Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I can’t wait for White Entertainment Television (WET) Dukes of Hazzard reruns all day long.”
No need to wait. The Beta version, Country Music television (CMT)has been available for some time now. You may now rejoice while you check your local listings.
November 16th, 2008 at 9:49 am
lol at Banananananana…wtf saying s/he didn’t say black people didn’t support comics. This being a comment board, if you scroll down a little you’ll find out that’s exactly what you said.
November 16th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Damn funny article.
Plus, will people stop being so righteous. Enjoy the goddamn blog.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Ninjawageslave:
First off, nice attempt at making an anarchist catch-phrase cooler by adding “ninja” to it…unsuccessful, but that’s neither here nor there. A for effort.
Also, basing your judgement of a people’s military prowess on one battle is a big mistake. For starters, the battle of Clontarf was largely Irish on Irish, with Vikings (as well as other mercenaries) comprising a large portion of the losing army. While this does not change the outcome, it is misleading to say it was a strictly Irish vs. Viking battle. Plus, the Spartans were defeated at Thermopylae, but it’s not the Persians who were BMFs enough to be the subject of Frank Miller’s homoerotic wet dream.
I conclude, the Irish were indeed badass, but that does not automatically make the Vikings pussies. Besides, the Irish and the Norse fucked so often that there’s really no point trying to distinguish who was more badass. A great big stew of oversexed heathen warriors: everything the English feared for centuries!
November 16th, 2008 at 5:08 am
I’m legitimately bewildered by Banananananana…wtf’s comments.
I didn’t think that people with mental deficiencies were allowed to use the internet without supervision.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:57 am
well i aint rascist, i love asians
lol,
anyways gr8 article DOB
November 16th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Bananananananana…wtf is a
cunt/nigger/spick/chink/honkey/sheepshager/reddot/sandnigger/ect.
Pick any that apply. Oh, and they are a bitch, and an incredbly not funny one at that.
@Ninjawageslave: I just mentioned the Irish thing in an atempt to be humorus. The Irish kick as as well. They just have had incredibly terrible luck as a nation.
November 16th, 2008 at 12:03 am
“First and foremost, White People, stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing.” um, hate to point out the obvious, but if I were to stop what I was doing, wouldn’t that mean I’d stop reading the article.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
@Banananananana…wtf?
Unbreakable was a terrible movie.
I don’t bother hiding my racism.
This isn’t your personal message bored, it’s for comments on the article. As thrilling as this conversation is, it’s time to end it.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
@Shana
“You’re a racist idiot with a poor understanding of.. pretty much every thing that you just wrote about.”
the sentence of a chilling person
i never said that bout black ppl! havent u seen…what movie was it…bruce willis and samuel l jackson…unbreakable! there you go, unbreakable. whatever. and HEY, dont go saying that i base my image of black comic book readers from unbreakable okay?. i am far less racist (against black ppl) than most of you will ever be! white ppl just go the extra mile of trying to appear less racist for the sake of appearing less racist. if it was 4 the fact that they were actually not so sensitive bout the image rather than the fact that they actually were or werent, case would be different and we wouldnt be having this charming conversation.
the yellow teletubbie let me out of the kitchen.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
@Banananananana…wtf?
Just chill. It’s a comedy website, a lot of things here don’t have perfect “logic”. I say you are racist because you assume all black people are the same and none of them like or support comics books. Who let you out of the kitchen?
November 15th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
@Daniel O’Brien
notice “mothers” havent entered the fray yet)
the split personality thing has nothing to do w/ it! yea loads of rappers and such got the whole split personality thing going (eminem got 3! wheee! Trick-Trick coming with it too). my initial point was, your arguement is flawed DUE to you being white. (hey, i liked it nevertheless you dolt. jk)
that dick joke was funny, did you ask swaim to help you with it? (keep it civil guys
@shana
yea thanks, very much appreciated feedback. (racist on which side are u assuming? against which race? be clear man/woman!)
November 15th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
@Banananananana…wtf?
You’re a racist idiot with a poor understanding of.. pretty much every thing that you just wrote about.
@Dan
If you cock slapped her that would only get it dirty. (Buuurn)
November 15th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Thanks but no thanks. I’d rather be the uncool white boy that I am and NOT get lung cancer than be cool and get lung cancer.
Also, no, I won’t wear a suit unless I absolutely have to. They’re unformtable and stuffy. I’d rather just wear blue jeans and a t. People who wear suits tend to be manager types who don’t know shit about anything. Hence the phrase “empty suit”.
November 15th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
@Bananananana….WTF
So… So you’re saying because I used Spider-Man in my banner, that makes me white? Because what do comic books have to do with hip-hop, right? I mean, it’s not like the idea of heroism and alter egos (frequent in comics) seriously influenced the alter egos and boasts that appeared in the birth of hip-hop, right? I mean, it’s not like RZA wrote about how inextricably linked comics and hip-hop are in the Wu-Tang Manual, right? I mean, it’s not like Nine Rings and Bobby Digital were bestsellers, right? I mean, it’s not like Ghostface Killah calls him self Tony Starks, right?
Please. Fucking please, man. If I didn’t respect my dick so much, I’d smack you in the face with it.
November 15th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
You spoke my mind, Dan. For rizzeal.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
@ Padawan Apprentice
African peoples had slaves too. Where do you think the Europeans bought theirs from?
November 15th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Wow… Dan sure got a lot of flack for this article. I thought it was really funny. especially “White People, stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. It’s not cool, trust me”
November 15th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Having Obama in office isn’t going to give the white people any more opportunity to be “cool”. Frankly, Obama makes Bryant Gumble look like Malcolm X (Thats right, F*** Wayne Brady…). Obama is the token black guy at the country club. The one that got in because he was a suburban black. You know. Black on the outside, with white cream filling.
And whoever it was that started the “slavery” discussion; EVERY major society throughout history has practiced slavery. The Romans, the Egyptians, the Huns of northern Asia, the ancient Chinese and Japanese, the Mayans, the Vikings of Northern Europe, the Greeks, and the early Persian Empire ALL HAD SLAVES. The only people who didn’t were nomadic tribes and the tribesmen of Africa. You don’t see the Jews bitching about the hundreds of years of slavery to the Egyptians. You don’t see the distant ancestors of the serfs of ancient Europe crying about how badly their people were treated for over 1000 years by the hierarchies of the Vikings, Romans, and Greeks. Blacks crying about slavery is a farce. They were subjugated for 300 years. Jews were enslaved for 1000. Black slaves worked in cotton fields and some as house slaves. The Jews worked in the desert until they either died of dehydration or were killed by the slavers for not working hard enough. Many black slaves were lost during the Civil War era. MILLIONS of serfs died of starvation while their Lords and Kings ate like pigs and fed the scraps to the dogs.
November 15th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Finally! I’ve been secretly cool for almost a decade now, waiting for a chance to finally reveal my coolness to the world. Free at last!
Also, racism, etc…
Do try and remember to bring your sense of humor when you visit a comedy website, please?
November 15th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
@MetalBrainSurgery
Regarding the Vikings, and their alledged trashing of the Irish? Try googling “Battle Of Clontarf” to see what happened when they finally stopped the hit-and-run pussy-fighting and tried to take on the Irish in a proper battle!
So yes, the Irish and Scottish Celts - damn cool white guys. If only it had extended to this generation…the coolest thing I do is leave comments on websites. My ancestors must despair.
November 15th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
@Banananananana…wtf?
WTF? Get the fuck out. See that picture of Shaft? That’s DOB. Of course he’s white. I don’t think he said otherwise, except that he’s 6.25% Haitian.
November 15th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
:/
November 15th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Those pictures could be negative images
November 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hannah Montanah is the reason why white people aren’t cool!
That and her dad, for writing the worst song ever. When ever people say they “don’t like country” they actually mean “Achey Breaky Heart”.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
DOB, by now you probably have an inflated head with an inflated opinion of yourself (mainly due to all these dick-riders dick-riding you. maybe), but I am here to tell you -despite you putting up a decent arguement- your argument is flawed my friend. You are that douche that could have been. You are the flower that got stepped on, but never once did it let a bee suck on it. NEVER. that is you, DOB, and I respect that. BUT: you are white. that is the flaw. THAT IS THE FLAW. you know how can i prove you are white (despite you whining about it otherwise)? your banner thingy on top. the spider man person. white dude popping out. i dont care if that is not you, the point is, THAT IS SPIDER MAN. WTF. you are white. end of damn story. you chose spiderman as ure damn banner thingy person whatever. i mean, only a white dude would do that. not even brown ppl would consider that. okay they might consider it, but wouldnt do it (probably). so there. you got pwned. (i like the blog or whatever this is btw. i imagine u spent many a sleepless night over this, pondering on and on…)
November 15th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
You cannot be cooler than this guy.
http://tinyurl.com/6m7jd8
November 15th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Inauguration day? Whose? Certainly not my president’s. My president will take office in 2012, trying to rebuild the ruins left by the Ayers/Putin presidency.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Zach Snyder and Frank Miller rocks !
Pastiest , worthless motherfuckers on da planet !
November 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am
WHat about the Galgamecks?
November 15th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Be racist towards the damn Europeans then, all we did was buy cheap goods.
P.S.
Obama sucks
November 15th, 2008 at 9:32 am
@Mud-Whistle:
Europeans: Raped and enslaved Africans, Mayans, Native Americans, etc…
The Mayans: Also had slaves.
The Romans: Also had slaves.
India: Slaves.
All that stuff that used to be the Persian Empire: Oh look, they had slaves.
Any race of people usually has a history of enslaving people. Tell us your race. They probably did it, too.
November 15th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Hey Dan, guess what I’m going to do. To your face. That’s right. I’m going to call you WHI-hey, how’d you get in here? Wh-what’s that in your hand? What are you doing now? Wha-OW! THAT DOESN’T FIT IN THERE!!! Oh GOD! AGH!!! Save me Oprah! You owe me damnit! God just stop now…why am I still typing?! WHY?! *cries hysterically and contorts into foetal position*
November 15th, 2008 at 8:10 am
In my country, White people are already cool. You guys need to learn something from us.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:28 am
DOB: Thank you. I realize how hard it must have been to write that article from the perspective of a white guy. It speaks volumes about your own personal literary skill that you were so convincing. I don’t want to know what sort of emmersion techniques you used to gain such insight into the white man, but I am appreicaiate.
I want you to know, I am trying man. I’ve really been working on the whole “ironic” thing. However, I am now 110% behind cool. I threw away my library card, stole a coke from the local store and burned my killers CDs just after finishing your article. I was going to send in my two week notice but I realized that wasn’t ‘cool’ so I went to my office and took a shit on my boss’s desk. I look forward to your continued guidance in becoming cool. Thank you.
tshp
@Mud_Whistle
You’re an idiot. vikings are cool, you are not. Please find a hold and die in it.
November 15th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Storm of lethal flames
Only death remains.
Ragnarok is our fate
Die for honor
Die for glory
Die
Death in fire!
Amon Amarth. Fuckin’ A.
You win Metalbrainsurgery.
November 15th, 2008 at 5:24 am
‘women were reliable and silent, like sexy pieces of furniture’
that was my favourite line
DOB you are awesome
November 15th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Hey, Mudwhistle:
I’d like to know your cultural background, cause we could have a good time shooting the shit over the most tired and misunderstood cultural stereotypes of your people. As a Viking descendent, I am deeply offended at your shallow understanding of my people. Try one of the most forward-thinking, democratic societies of the Medieval era, who maintained a respect and reverence for women that puts America’s “progressive”/puritan culture to shame. When they looted churches, they fought the corruption of the bishops. Their swordmaking was second only to the Japanese, and their ships and sailing techniques were unequalled at the time, enabling them to reach the North American continent (more or less peacefully) 500 years before Columbus arrived, raping, torturing, and enslaving the natives he met (thus setting a shameful precedent that was followed the world over by Europeans…). Though feared as enemies, they were respected and adored leaders. When they conquered the Slavs, they were begged to stay and rule, as the Slavs had known no other leaders as just and able as the Norse. I suggest you know the facts before shitting on someone’s culture.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:56 am
@ Metalbrainsurgery:
I take it you like vikings. They were great men…..So great that they still fill the seas, right? They did have a rich history of rape, pillage & being dicks in general though.
Let’s not forget the taking of the women(slavery), that’s worthy of your awe & respect for sure.
I also wonder how many diseases they spread with all that wild humping; kidnapped females of all ages, boys, farm animals, whatever…..
So, I guess acting like Satan’s meat puppet is what you call a “noble way of life”
(I ,too, almost got teary eyed typing that)
November 15th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Haha Hey DOB can i have you?
November 15th, 2008 at 2:03 am
geez folks calm down. ya white folk take things too seriously and stop bragging bout them vikings for a while would you? just cuz there were a few brave souls in your country long time ago doesnt make you look any cool.
besides Romans, macedonians, mogolians etc are way cooler!!
November 15th, 2008 at 1:21 am
@ KingBushwick the 33rd:
Did you just try to convice us that white people are cool by talking about country music? No, I’m sorry but you FAIL.
@Rob: I have no idea what you are talking about. I’m not talking about LARP’ers, I’m talking about the real deal.
The people who sailed across the northern seas in ships shaped liked dragons. Who were feared across the lands. Who’s sole duty was to wage war and die in battle, who’s version of paradise was to war all day and feast all night in preperation for the final battle, the ragnarock, inspite of their foretold defeat.
The people who thouroughly tharshed the Irish just for shits and giggles. Who told tales of great warriors such as Beowulf, and had such a rich mythology and noble way of life. These were fine men.
Also, Amon Amarth.
(I almost got teary eyed typing that)
November 15th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Gene Kelly was a sexy white man that could dance!! A rarity right there.
November 15th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Okay.There’ve always been cool white folks for a century.
Unfortunately,some of our coolness has gone awry!!
Music,for example:
Country Music.Originally,they were stories of life’s other side told by men(and women)who’d seen life’s other side.
Patsy Cline’s”I Fall to Pieces”.American Popular Music Has Had It’s True Talents Who Died Before Their Times Like Billie Holiday and Patsy Cline.
Whenever you listen to Patsy’s achingly beautiful voice sing about the hurt she feels in her heart whenever she sees her old love,if it doesn’t make you want to drown your sorrows in your local watering hole,you’ve been watching”Boo Bahs”or”Barney and Friends”too much!!
Johnny Cssh’s”Understand Your Man”.The Man In Black Was Definitely a Bad Ass!!All Them Pills Not To Mention Tearing Countless Hotel Rooms As Well As Recording Songs About Taboo Topics Like”The Ballad of Ira Hayes”,The Story of A WW2 Marine Who Was a Pima Indian That Died A Tragic Death of Alcoholism,Then Getting The Klan After Your Ass!!
In”Understand Your Man”,He Don’t Pussyfoot Around When He Tells He’s Catchin’The Amtrak and Not Comin’Back!!He Tells Her”Give My Other Suit To The salvation Army”Cause He Ain’t Gonna Be Needing It!!He’s Gone!!BuhBye!!
Merle Haggard’s”Mama Tried”.While Johnny Performed For Prisoners,The Hag Was One!!And”Mama Tried”Is Told From a Viewpoint Of a Con Who Turned 21 Doin’Life without Parole!!*
(*FYI:Merle Actually Did 1-5 For Burglary,But still!!).
Hank Williams’”Your Cheatin’Heart”.Ol’Hank Definitely Lived The Life He Sang About!!Suffered From Spina Biffida;Alcoholism and Drug Addiction;Not To Mention A Spouse Who Made Leona Helmsley Look Like Shirley Temple;A Bogus Doctor Who Kept Him In Pills Right Up Until he went To Hillbilly Heaven;Plus Getting A Woman In The Family Way(As They Said It Back Then);Not To Mention Getting Remarried Not Too Long Before His Untimely Death;A Son He Barely Knew as well As A Daughter He Never Knew;Causing a Power Play For Song Royalties Between Wife#1;Wife#2;Son(Hank Jr.)and Daughter(Bobbie Jett)!!
Anyway,”Your cheatin’Heart”Is About a Man Who Wishes Only The Worst For His Cheating Spouse*and Hopes Her Cheatin’Heart Tells On Her!!
*(Imagine If Edgar Allen Poe Had Been Born In The Deep south-Alabama-A Century Later Instead Of The Border State South-Virginia and Marlyland-In The Early 19th Century!!).
Now Listen To Today’s Country!!we Got People Like Kenny Chesney!!His Hit song?”She Thinks My Tractor Sexy”!!
Now I Grew Up On a Farm In Central Texas and There’s Nothing sexy About a Tractor,Unless Your’e Trying To Hit Up On a Mennonite Girl!!
Tractors Are Noisy and Dirty,Theyr’e Meant For Plowing Fields Not Pickin’Up Chicks!!I Guess He Never Heard Johnny Cash’s autobiographical”Five Feet High and Rising”About How His Family Was Nearly Washed Away During The Mississippi Floods of 1938!!
That’s Almost As Ridicolous as The Coal Institute’s Having A Bunch Of Buff Underwear Models Working In a Pretend Coal Mine While They Play Tennessee Ernie Ford’s”Sixteen Tons”!!
Coal Mining Is Hard;Dirtry;Dangerous Work!!Go watch”Rocket Boys”or”Coal Miner’s Daughter”Sometime!!
Tim McGraw’s”I Want To Live Where The Tall Corn Grows”.
Tim Bemoans Being Stuck In Traffic and Longs To Live In The Country!!
Nothing Wrong With Living In The Country!!It’s Nice Living,But It’s Hard Work As well!!Anyway,Ol’Timmy Wants To”Live Where The TallCorn Grows,WatchMy Corn Come Up In Rows’!!
Earth To Tim:Yes,It’s Admirable To Move Your Family To Green Acres,However,Corn Just Doesn’t Automatically Grow By Itself!!
You Gotta Plant It,Harvest it,sell It,Repeat Cycle all Over Again Next Spring!!
Then Factor In The Cost Of The Seed;Plus Maintainence on The Tractor and Equipment Not To Mention Weather-Rain;Drought;Ice and Snow-Guess What??
You’ll soon Find Out That The Only good Advantage is That You’ll Be Cuddled Up In Bed Next To Faith Hill Each Night!!Everything Else,See Johnny Cash’s”Five Feet High and Rising”!!
Finally,Band Names!!Used To Be Country singers Had Bands with Pretty Cool Names Like Buck Owens and all The Buckaroos;Bob Wills and all The Texas Playboys;Johnny Cash and The Tennessee Three;Hank Williams and The drifting Cowboys and Merle Haggard and The Strangers Among Others!!
Now we Have Groups Like”Rascal Flatts”Who Sing Songs Like”Life Is a Highway”From Disney Pixae’s”Cars”*(*Which Was An Enjoyable Little Movie!!I Saw It At a drive In!!)!!
Now What Kind Of Name is”Rascal Flatts”??Sounds Like a Character From Andy Griffith!!”Andy!!You and Barney Come Quick!!Rascal Flatts Is In Town again Raisin’Hell!!”
“Now Hold On Floyd!!He Does This Everytime He Gets His disability Check!!He Gets a Little Looped,But he Means No Harm!!
I’ll Take care Of Him!!Don’t You worry!!”.
Now Come on!!If Wer’e Gonna Be Cool Again,At Least Make Country Uncool Again!!Make Country Back To Being The Music Of choice For Coal Miners;Cowboys;Farmers;Truckers;Rural Desperate Housewives and Alcoholics!!
November 15th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Thanks a lot, docomo, for godwin’ing the comments.
Also, this article is totally awesome. Every time I watch Ocean’s Eleven I think ‘FUCK, I want to be exactly like these guys. Smooth, stylish AND white? Sign me up!”
November 15th, 2008 at 12:38 am
As an albino, I’m now the coolest person on the planet.
November 15th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Does this mean the end of affirmative action?
and the beginning of the white panthers.
November 15th, 2008 at 12:12 am
you know who were some cool white dudes before the mad men and the dudes from the 20’s?
Vikings, thats who. They kicked ass.
Assuming your version of cool is fat dudes in wool shirts who talk like the muppets swedish cheff
November 15th, 2008 at 12:01 am
YOU davo, they are going to blame YOU. and I agree with MetalBrianSurgary, the vikings kicked ASS. Also, it is phsically impossible for someone wearing that kind of hat to be uncool.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
damn, now who are the jobless black guys going to blame when they get arrested for stealing? shiiiit
November 14th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
cool = constipated overrated out-of-stlye loser
according to my lil brother in 4th grade
but im related to william wallace so i’m cool no matter what (BRAVEHEART!)
November 14th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
how about Hitler and his white chums?
November 14th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
With the way you’re going on about kickass, un-PC white guys from the early 60s, I wouldn’t be surprised if Michael Swaim showed up and menstruated all over you.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
you know who were some cool white dudes before the mad men and the dudes from the 20’s?
Vikings, thats who. They kicked ass.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
DOB, I started a facebook fan page for you. You have 19 fans. And it’s increasing daily. Soon, you’ll have more fans than Gladstone has friends.
Everyone, become a fan of DOB on facebook!
November 14th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I am completely serious at all times.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Jenna_Tullwortz- please, please say you’re joking.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Personally I think anyone can (possibly) be “cool”.
“Cool” can’t really be regulated or defined.
Someone is either “cool” or they’re not and those who are know it when they see it.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Screw you, DOB. More of the other guys, less of you.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I can’t wait for White Entertainment Television (WET) Dukes of Hazzard reruns all day long.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Oh DOB, what a miserable day I had until I read this. Thanks for being the one bright spot of the day! You’re the greatest.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
The only truely COOL race are the Inuit, haha ! Get it? ’cause it’s cold where they come from. he hehe. *smug*
November 14th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Sorry, but no, it’s all over. See, when Miles Davis died, he took cool with him.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Black stopped being the cooler race after this happened,
http://media.photobucket.com/image/solja%20boy/mewmew33/solja.jpg?o=30
November 14th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Wait, wow, DOB, you’re 1 quarter spiderman?! So, like, spiderman was your grandfather?! wait, who was the mother? MJ? Finally? I NEED details!!
November 14th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
black people smell funny. they were never cool. ever.
November 14th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I am so confused! My ancestors were brought over as endentured servants (white slaves), so I thought I was always cool, being kept down by the man, and waiting for my reparations chck to come any day now…..so what gives, DOB? What do I do? What DO I do…..?
November 14th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
checking facts, that’s not what men of action do.
we shoot from the hip and get shiitt done.
and I was refering to the Album the Birth of Cool, by miles davis.
But you aren’t cool enough to know about that yet, you have time.
and kenny G was a low blow I admit, no race should have to claim him. and Buddy Rich is cool, when you reach a certain level of cool, you get a black card. It allows you to hang out in any black neighborhood without getting robbed or shot, for 1 day every 6 years.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
whoa…didnt godzilla take potential coolness from asia?
yes, i know he only terrorized japan, but if he can take down tokyo, friggin tokyo, what chance does beijing stand? million people cannon? billion people wall? however, russians are technically asians, so…
open for debate
November 14th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
If I may remind you, the President Elect is half white. So by my calculations only half of white people can become cool. However, this does not mean you can go off killing each other to improve your own chances.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Sorry. Asians.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
WAIT. Dan, Barack Obama’s mom was white. We’re still partially “The Man.” You know what that means, don’t you? That means all the potential coolness goes to…
Asains.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
ThisGuy: Sinatra and Bogart earned extra cool points because they pulled off the impossible feat of being cool while still being white when whites were The Man. Sinatra also was apparently intolerant of racist fucks, which makes him beyond the ken of mere mortals.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
DOB, please stop making me think twice about clicking on my cracked.com bookmark in fear of finding more pathetic self-depreciating white “humor”.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Y’know, according to linguistic experts, Nostradamus predicted that around the year 2000, give or take; either some puppet will get elected as the leader of the world, and depress it into years or war and hatred OR someone else will get elected and bring peace. That was pretty much, the last thing he ever wrote.
I’m rather pissed off at his defenition of ‘the world’, but it’s understandable if your vision is really blurry.
In reality, it looks like both have happened…
Bush: the puppet, Obama: the peacemaker?… Only time will tell.
November 14th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
“name 1 uncool mixed race person.”
Vanessa Hudgens. Kimora Lee Simmons. Mariah Carey. Paula Abdul.
Bam.
November 14th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Her: -=ORGASM=-
Me: Booya!
Thats exactly how my life goes too!
November 14th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Anti-Semascism sounds dirty.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
By your logic, Dan, Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, and Frank Sinatra were NOT cool, by virtue of the fact that at the time, the white man was “The Man”, and they were white. In fact, since the white man has always been “The Man” (throughout American history anyway), this will actually be THE FIRST TIME white people have had the opportunity to be cool. (Getting teary eyed) I thought I’d never live to see the day.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
This article is the Weekly Hotness.
Although I need to tell you that having a sticky butt doesn’t make you 25% Spider-Man. Trust me…I know.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Oh man I can’t stand white people either. I still don’t see how cigarettes are cool though.
Sexy furniture? Real nice.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Renee, quick! A joke just got into the room, it’s scurrying around, all over the place! Hurry! Quick, grab a broom, or a - a - oh, wait, damn there it goes.
You missed it.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
This article was terrible. It’s not like I expect intelligent, well thought out debates from Cracked.com, but I do expect funny and I do expect that I not be reading very thinly veiled racism against a whole race of people.
Also, how is it that you Americans don’t ever remember Obama is half-black and half-white? Why is it that so many of you can’t let go of his color. I wouldn’t care if he was half-black and half-jellyfish if he was fixing the f**king country.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
HEY DAN!!!!! I CALLED YOU WHITE!!!!!!! WHATCHUGONNADO….HUH?????!!!!!!!!!WHATCHUGONNADO??????!!!!!!!
November 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Well, you don’t hear the Jews whine about racism and slavery because they’ve got nukes now. Also, what slavery??
November 14th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Also Pedgerow, it’s anti-Semitism not anti-Semascism. As in, against Semitic peoples.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
For some reason, I saw the title of the article and knew Dan O’Brien wrote this.
(When it was on the column to the left of the main articles and his name wasn’t clearly next to the link, obviously.)
November 14th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
No worries, DOB. You’ll never be cool
November 14th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Are all black (or kind of black) people THE MAN? Or just Obama? What about black women?
This is so confusing. I’ll never be cool…
November 14th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
1) But Rascism is the worst! It’s racism, with added fascism! What’s next, anti-Semascism?
2)My official prediction: Music of White Origin. Coming soon, to a hit parade near you! I’ll start learning the viola…
November 14th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@Skooba- It’s okay, I don’t think anyone would ever accuse anyone else of Rascism.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:48 am
See that shit that Mickey BlueEyes typed thats why y’all can’t be cool. Cause of that wack ass stereotypical stereotyping he’s displaying. Get that hate outta y’all system
November 14th, 2008 at 11:46 am
All white people know that even though the president-elect is black that black people will still say their is rascism and white people are rascist. Black people need to get over slavery… like shit… you don’t hear the Jews crying about rascism and slavery!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Godammit, when will brown be cool? Is it just going to flip back and forth between you white/black bastards?
November 14th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Thank goodness some cracker on the internet was here to explain what coolness is to me.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Awesome article! Thank you for the attitude readjustment. Now that I am no longer The Man and now black people are The Man, I can now say that I am being kept down by The Man. The Man is taking my money. The Man is taking my job. The Man is forcing me to stop studying cuz studying aint cool. The Man is forcing me to drop out of school cuz edumacation aint cool. The Man is forcing me to drink Colt 45, get giant rims on my hoopty, and say things like “foshizzle” and “hizzouse”. The Man is forcing me to take welfare and live in Section 8 housing. In many places in the country, especially in the West and South, whites are in the minority and minorities are the majority. We whites are disenfranchised because The Man and minorities are controlling everything.
Being oppressed by The Man, we need Change and Hope to improve our lot in life. Yes we can!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
race…
November 14th, 2008 at 11:39 am
What I’m stoked about is my name is Taylor Beck White. Or Taylor B. White…it’s a declaration to my coolness!! I am the absense of color, I am the everyman! Y’know, When I was in junior high, I had a side-spike hair cut and grills to match. Now, i can refer to that as “my dougie”. I can wear cross-colors, and I can start up the Whitest branch of FUBU, only I’ll change it to FUBUBUCWI (pronounced “foobookwee”), For Us By Us But U Can Wear It, because making clothing exclusive to raise isn’t cool, not anymore. Now generosity and empathy are the new flossin and stuntin. The world isn’t ours, Whitey, let’s roll with it! DOWN WITH THE MAN!! That is ironically racist…or is it? What a glorious time to be a Pastey Gangster, and Alabastor Bastard, an Ivory Issue black man!!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Haha bitches y’all will never be cool our coolness is so fucking cool that we make being “The Man” cool…CAN YOU DIG IT!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:24 am
WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Sucks to be you Dan. Just starting on getting cool, shame you havent been doing that all these years like me.
Doubt me? Come over and check out my level 3 Halfling Bard. Eat it Bitch!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Don’t count on it DOB. As a Jew, I can say that despite not having a president we’re still terminally uncool.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Geez Baq, how can you say that Kenny G. is the coolest white jazz musician, even in jest?
Beware of sharpened drum sticks with “Buddy Rich” burnt into them.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Misspelling Lemmy Kilmister is so not cool.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:44 am
In Socialist Amerika you keep down THE MAN!
November 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Jeez Baqula, Jazz hasn’t been cool since the 20’s – nowadays it’s whiter than Wagner
Also, Tommy the Brat: that’s easy, Obama in four years, mixed race and as cool as prunes
November 14th, 2008 at 10:33 am
So does this mean that while I’m fighting the man I’ll be cool??? Probably not, I’ll still be “the (wo)man” Unfortunately, this will not be making me cool, just making me seem like a huge racist because I will be unfortunately against the new American Messiah’s socialist government. It’s a shame, I will never, ever be cool!
November 14th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Count Baq, who’s worrying? I would love for Obama to oppress the white man.
Also, check your facts. Miles Davis didn’t invent cool, Mississippi John Hurt did when he invented Jazz, Blues and Hip-Hop.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:30 am
If Peter Noone knows what the last 12.5% is, I think it’s high time we get Herman’s Hermits on the case.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:30 am
actually, obama’s half-white. so does that mean that us mixies are the man, now? shit!
November 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
You have it all wrong.
Obama is not out to oppress the white man. I wouldn’t worry.
Now when he paints the White House black and makes Chuck D Secretary of Defence you can start thinking about it.
But also consider Jazz, Black Folks had Miles Davis the birth of cool, the coolest white Jazz artist is Kenny G. Jazz music is the only viable social barometer and until that balances out, you have no hope. Though Bogart and Sinatra are a good start.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Well, since you decided to exclude white women in your coolness, then I think I’ll go ahead and sabotage your plan by being both white and as lame as I possibly can.
Because I’m still white, so I can still ruin your image. I think I’ll go attend a slash-fic convention and try to get it on the national news.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:11 am
man, right now im wishing i would have written you in on all the things i wasnt sure who to vote for instead of swaim.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Who is the man who would risk his life for the bailout plan?
*JOHN SHAFT*
Can you dig it?
November 14th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Whose the man with the 401(k) and stock portfolio?
*SHAFT*
Aw yeah baby… gonna diversify yo bonds, sucka.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thank god I’ll finally not be judged by the color of my skin! I’m 3/4ths Mexican but thanks to my mom’s half whiteness I look as white as DOB.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Thank you for listening to my advice/threats a couple of MONTHS ago and not posting in the middle of the fucking night!
Also, I’ve been cool all my life, smoking, drinking and playing metal. That’s how it’s done. As evidence, i present to you, Lemmy Kilminster.
Google it, kids.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Damn, I was hoping to hang on to my hip irony for a little while longer. Mallard hat, birkenstocks, starbucks and a “I shot FDR” shirt. I’ll miss you. Time to buy some cigars and a grey suit.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I never understand why people who don’t like an article feel the need to post about how they didn’t like it. Doesn’t that just validate it all the more?
But regardless, that was one sexy Shaft poster there.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:03 am
as a mixed race male, i can assure you that mixed race people are born cool.
name 1 uncool mixed race person.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:59 am
On Inaguration Day White People Can Re-Claim Cool!…
Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been an unfair racial imbalance in this country and, with an African American President, we finally have a chance to remedy this injustice.
What we need to do is think back and channel the coolness of our ancestors. Th…
November 14th, 2008 at 8:58 am
so I load up this page expecting something trying to be funny and am greeted by that terrible afront to all that is good, it was so terrible I had to remove that image from my sights immediately
November 14th, 2008 at 8:49 am
i didn’t know Joe Camel was white.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Regardless, white people need to get this dont by 2019 so we can have The Roaring 20s all over again! I am gonna be nailing hot flapper chicks in no time.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Mixed race people are naturally cool anyway. They are always top of the list for hipsters to want to be friends with.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:43 am
so…what does this mean for half black, half whilte people? same as before
isnt vin diesel half and half?
what about half mexicans? what does obama plan to do for us?