Cracked Round-Up: DIY Edition

Write your own mildly amusing opening paragraph, you cretinous comedy leeches. Day in and day out we slave to make humor for you, and you can't even pick up the ball on one day of the week? To hell with you! We're going away and taking our ball with us.

New columnist Cody started us off this week with an article about the horrors behind Full House. Bucholz followed up with an article about the ridiculous history of personal transportation, while Brockway huffed exhaust and wrote a children's book. Next, seanbaby staggered into work late (and drunk) with an article about Aquaman. Dan O'Brien closed us off by singing the praises of our chimpanzee overlords.

HOAX

5 Myths That People Don't Realize Are Admitted Hoaxes This article just goes to show that crazy people don't listen to things like 'logic' and 'proof'. Arguing with them is a waste of time. Instead, spend your conversations trying to convince them of increasingly crazier beliefs. If you can't spread knowledge, you can at least make ignorance a little easier to spot.

Notable Comment: PissMaster asks, "The crop circles can be easily faked, I'll give you that much. But just how in the fAAACK do you explain the YouTube footage of that glowing white orb hovering around the grass and forming them crop circles with some mysterious gravitational field? Hmm. Answer that one, wankers. "

WHAT

6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain Where are all of your answers now, SCIENCE?! Come on everyone, let's go back to worshipping the sun until they can explain blushing.

Notable Comment: "My children are always grabbing my crotch. Don't think I could support their weight, though. Probably shouldn't post this, makes me sound like some kind of deviant. "

We're saving this post for posterity (and the inevitable court case), monstermunch.

FAILURE

6 Movie Heroes (Who Sucked At Their Jobs) It's a sad truth that, oftentimes, dramatic tension relies on the main character being a fucktard.

Notable Comment: "You could have included Ace Ventura or Blankman on your list. Of course, maybe you didn't because theywere SUPPOSED to suck at thier job."

MAGICK

5 Forms of Black Magic That Science Is Making Possible We take back what we said, science. You're awesome!

Notable Comment:"NOBODY CAN PREDICT the futue bUT gOD "

TERRIBLE

5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels This is terribly hard for any fan to hear, but sometimes a series just needs to end. Otherwise...well, you get shit like this.

Notable Comment: col_p asks; "less Star Wars, more of that redhead "

Michael Swaim

6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of Learn some originality, you dullards!

YOU YOU YOU!

The World of Tomorrow (If The Internet Disappeared Today) We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, How to REALLY Scare People On Halloween

10.22.09:

Sarah Palin unveils her first 2012 campaign poster.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

...and that's how I became a son of a gun.
by fish11th

10.21.09:

How much do you want to bet that the pilot is a woman?
by Copperpot

Editor's pick:

Is this the Highway Kenny Loggins was singing about?
by Mr.Excalibur

10.20.09:

"This is not the nightclub you're looking for."
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

""Don't worry, baby. I don't need a condom. We have terrible aim."
by ChaseMitchell

10.19.09:

Not pictured: a crowd of giant hamsters pointing and laughing.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

It's a cock ring. You can tell by the dick inside of it.
by Backinblack

10.18.09:

"You wanna see the Dark Side of the moon?"
by thisisme_ari

Editor's pick:

Early censorship bars were more whimsical.
by geniuswaitress

10.17.09:

Japan. No caption required.
by Error

Editor's pick:

You know how Meatloaf sings "I would do anything for love . . . but I won't do THAT" ? Well, this is what he means by THAT.
by Julius_Goat

10.16.09:

Fun fact: These guys are exactly 1001 yards from the school playground they are photographing.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

The only naked breasts those men will see today are their own.
by jtklove