So You Need to Disarm A Chimpanzee
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This happened twice before i found this article, next time i'll be ready
ReplyWhy did this not feature that one picture with a chimpanzee with a gun in its hand?
ReplyCan we get this in PDF format...LOL
ReplyIf the people you are with suck, or they armed the monkey, there is only one thing to do. After disarming the chimp, shoot all the humans dead, emptying the clip. Wipe your prints off, then hand the now empty weapon back to the chimp and leave. Then you will not find yourself in this situation again.
Replyfor f**k's sake, finally a good guide about disarming a chimpanzee.
Reply"He's hacked the mainframe and he's very good at what he does."
ReplyGoddamn you, DOB. Goddamn you for being so funny.
O.K., so I've gained their confidence and shot all the monkeys in the head... Now what?
ReplyI...think you're done. Just piss on the carcasses as a warning to all those uppity non-dead chimps out there, make up a cool one-liner in the style of "Yippie-kai-ay, motherf**ker" and call it a day.
Wait, you shot the monkeys and not the chimps!? You fool! You've doomed us a-BLARGH!!
Does this guide carry over to stupid people?
ReplyThey're like chimps right?
I think that would be insulting to the chimps.
Funny article. However, my chimp friend, Mr. Oooaaagh, who is not at all holding a gun to my head, would like me to point out that no chimp would EVER hold a gun to our heads, or threaten us if we don't comment on internet comedy articles. Oh, and he's not pointing a gun at my head. He can't stress that enough.
ReplyJust wanted to leave you with an update. Your manual gave me the confidence I needed to take charge of my life. Today I went to the City Zoo. I realized at the last minute that I had forgotten something very important, and made a quick trip to a store to buy a small drink cooler. (More about that in a minute). So, wearing a kevlar helmet and bulletproof vest, I went to the Chimpanzee cage and stared them down like a real man. Just in case of trouble, I packed a small drink cooler with my own fresh poop. With my right hand wrist deep in poop and ready for trouble, the chimps knew they couldn't win. This is unbelievable but- they were so scared they didn't even try anything funny. They tried to act like Chimps! After a couple of hours, my right eye started twitching. Just after ten a.m., a zoo security guard asked me what I was doing. I explained it to him, and he was so awestruck that he brought more security guards. He said it was in case he needed backup. I told him he was being wise, you should never underestimate the potential for danger. Anyway, the world is now a safer place because of your efforts. Zoo security is now aware of a serious problem that they never before suspected. Sitting on the concrete bench wearing my flak vest and kevlar helmet with my eye twitching and my right hand in poop, I felt like a REAL MAN! YES, today I was SOMEBODY! The guards at the zoo were so impressed they wanted to know my name and where I live. Then, some city policemen came out to meet me. Anyway, I'm so exited and proud of myself that I can't sleep! I'm not even ready to wash the poop off of my right hand. So I'm going to crack a beer and watch Dirty Harry on the VCR. Whenever I want to, I'll look at my right hand and remember how I was a REAL HERO and a MAN today. THANK YOU !
ReplyI think you should try writing articles for Cracked. You're almost as funny as DOB (nobody will ever be as funny as DOB. Ever. EVER!!!).
I resent the implication that I GAVE him the gun.
ReplySomehow, I believe it's the extreme right wing agenda that should bear the blame.
And, leaving the door to my gun safe open.
The series of chimp-related signs leading to your gun really weren't doing anyone any favors...except maybe the chimp. And now HE'S got your gun!
this is epic.
Replyloved this.
Thank you SOooo MUCH for providing the valuable information I have been searching for- for almost four years! It is a fact that violence and bad humor are a lethal combination, and both are on the rise worldwide. Before today, I was spending many sleepless nights worrying if I knew the correct technique to disarm a Chimpanzee. After carefully studying your brilliant and insightful manual, I now have the confidence to go outside my apartment (also for the first time in almost four years) and face the world. I have never before considered the possibility of an accomplice with a sniper rifle until you correctly pointed it out, it would have cost my life. In the morning I am putting on my best kevlar vest and helmet and driving to the city zoo. I intend to look Chimpanzees in the face and eye-to-eye (if I have to) until they understand that I am no longer intimidated. God Bless you for your brilliant contribution to humanity!
ReplyThank you, DOB. I was so scared before I found this.
ReplyFantastic!!!
ReplyThis book should come with a chimp mask, banana(s), and some LSD, for precautionary measures.
ReplyLove your stuff, DOB
[...] you always have that “I was inebriated” defense built-in. Or my favorite, “I was held hostage by a chimpanzee and he used my computer to write The Jay Leno Show using my [...]
ReplyAmazingly, these steps can also be applied to my little brother and an orange, albeit with less chance of succes and being pelted with feces (mostly)
Replyto mr. what if:
Replyi dunno what made me laugh harder the article or your response!
DOB, you forget to mention that my army has swelled to alarming levels, and consists, primarily of chimpanzees, as well as a few humans, gorillas, gibbons, etc... And they are all armed. If you venture near Madagascar, you may well run into our forces, which, while stationed on Madagascar, have been roaming far and wide to further increase our territory.
Reply