|
Magicians, psychics and other sparkly frauds have been scamming the gullible and dim-witted for centuries using elaborate trickery to simulate fantastic powers. But now science is finally here, and it's going to follow through on all of their broken promises. Here are the technologies that, if you could take them back in time, would totally let you cash in as a wizard. #5.
Mind Reading
The Scam: In many ways, mind reading is a lot like the human digestive system: no matter what you put into it, ultimately all you're getting out is a bunch of shit. Psychics are mostly just using cold readings and leading questions to pick up clues. They see a guy in a red, white and blue cowboy hat and the "spirits" tell them that he likes country music. The guy is impressed, and hands them money to hear more. "I'm sensing an object." By creatively hedging their guesses and keeping all information vague, a good cold reader can emulate psychic abilities at least well enough to fool chumps, and chumps' money spends like anybody else's. How it's Becoming Real:
We bet airport security would love to have one of these that you pass through, flashing your thoughts up on a screen for some bored TSA agent to chuckle at. We've got a feeling that in 20 years there'll be a booming industry in telepathy-blocking skull implants. #4.
Telekinesis
The Scam: Telekinesis is the ability to move or interact with physical objects using only one's thoughts, and charlatans have been replicating it for centuries. Like say you want to bend a spoon with your mind. Simply misdirect the audience while you use your hands to bend the spoon in such a way that, when viewed from a top down angle, it still appears to be unbent. As you slowly adjust that viewing angle, the spoon appears to bend before the audience's very eyes! Hey! Look at you! You're better than Criss Angel! Oh, not "better" in terms of magic tricks; he's got some pretty neat ones. You're just better than him in general. Because you're not Criss Angel. It's uh... it's not a hard thing to do.
How it's Becoming Real: About five years ago, a group of scientists successfully decoded the brain signals human beings use to control their hands. Because said scientists were both astoundingly awesome and amazingly irresponsible, they then used this discovery to implant microchips in the brains of monkeys which allowed them to move computer cursors with their brain. Guys, we need to sit you down and show you a little movie called The Lawnmower Man.
Fast forward a few years and now we're starting to see the first wave of products resulting from that experiment. Behold the BrainGate, and despair!
From the company Cyberkinetics--which totally does NOT sound like a villainous organization dedicated to mass producing psychic robots--the BrainGate is a chip implanted in your motor cortex that monitors your brain activity and converts it into computer commands used to operate machinery. It was originally built for amputees and paraplegics, but the company has recently received a $4.25 million grant from the Department of Defense for their product. It's not clear exactly what they're going to do with the technology, but odds are it's going to be less along the lines of "helping paraplegic monkeys to live better lives" than it will be "fusing human brains into unstoppable, unkillable robot bodies." Hello? RoboCop 2? Seriously, do you guys not have Cinemax?
#3.
Alchemy
The Scam: Alchemy is the ancient, bullshit version of chemistry. When most people hear the word they immediately think of the alchemists who claimed they could turn lead into gold (a practice called Chrysopoeia, which is not to be confused with Chrysopelea, which is a flying snake. Seriously, don't confuse them. Your experiments will get terrifying in a hurry.)
Of course, the closest old-timey alchemists ever really got was mixing sulfur and gold powder into a metal to turn it yellow. That's right: All it took to create "gold" from lead was to put some gold in it! Good god, it was staring us in the face the entire time! How it's Becoming Real: Science has made monumental leaps since that era when alchemy was considered the second-most promising method of obtaining gold after "capturing a leprechaun." We now know that gold is an element that simply has three fewer protons than lead. If you could somehow change that using SCIENCE... Oh, actually we're kind of late on this one. Back in 1980, a scientist named Glenn Seaborg accidentally made gold out of bismuth, using the aforementioned proton-plucking method (OK, it was a bit more complicated than that). Yes, bismuth, the same stuff that's in Pepto Bismol.
It was only a few thousand atoms' worth, and the cost of doing it was way more than the resulting gold would be worth. But still. He made gold.
And mankind is really just getting started with the whole "change elements by farting around with their protons" business. Transmutation of elements is one of the things they're always doing at CERN, home of the Large Hadron Collider. Though they're talking less about turning lead into gold and more about turning radioactive waste into something that won't poison our great great grandchildren. But hey, thanks to Cracked, Google search and poor reading comprehension, we're laying odds that at least one Internet-frequenter will be microwaving some Pepto tonight, and keeping that old dipshit alchemist spirit alive! |
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness
7 Things "Good Parents" Do (That Screw Kids Up for Life)
5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You
Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators
Welcome to Shopping ======== http://www.itemscool.com Best quality, Best reputation , Best services With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc. Our goal is "the best quality, best reputation and best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35 True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15 Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
(I mean, just go upstairs, for reals. She does anal and everything.)
@n1ghtmare: Christ, how long did you work on that comeback? You need to get laid, dude. Seriously.
@BobDobolina: Ooops, did I hit a nerve ? Just keep hope alive man, even a nerd like you could (probably) find love ... EVEN - if your dick is orange from the amounts of cheetos that you eat while masturbating, EVEN if the only thing you could call "A GIRLFRIEND" is a really old (kinda yellowish) poster of Krystal Steal (she knows you best though), EVEN if the only thing close to a blow job was when your dog gave you a peanut-butter-dick-lick, EVEN if the only real communication with a girl was with this one Nigerian "lady" (which apparently lost her parents along with all of her family fortune and was "living in a refugee camp with a priest" or something), that found comfort in your words ... You probably still think she loved you but didn't had the chance to tell you because of her overwhelming circ*mstances, and your pillow probably smells like tears by now .... BUT HEY !!!! - One DAY ... One Day you'll find love, mate... Just hang in there - go out more, maybe lose a couple of (hundreds of?) pounds, lose the "I
@n1ghtmare_: Oddly enough, all of my posts to this thread were composed while I was banging your Mom. You didn't hear us from your little nook in the basement?
@ BobDobolina: Dude, you need to get laid - seriously... Have you ever touched a woman ? I'm sure good CRACKED readers/commenters over here will be more than happy to chip in couple of dollars to get you a hooker ...
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for free__ClassyMingle.c o m__ . Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out for free: --ClassyMingle.c o m--where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner and hot movies NOW ! You will love it!
Welcome to Shopping →→→ http://www.dudemalls.com Best quality, Best reputation , Best services With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc. Our goal is "the best quality, best reputation and best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35 True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15 Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $ $#^#$^#^&@$%@$^
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
I dunno, I kinda look forward to the days when people can just go from frail, vulnerable human bodies to strong, invincible cyberized bodies. Anyone read Ghost in the Shell?
Wow. I'd love to just get into some amazing repartee with you intelcm, but there's no way you could reply, as it seems your mouth is full of CavalierX's balls. Read your bio, and as it seems you've made so many friends already, I'll just let closeted dogs lie. Oh, and if I wanted to spend hours researching counter points to Cavalier's op-ed paste-and-cut info (that's opinion, in case you couldn't figure it out, bright eyes), I'd go back to college for my Master's.
(Oh, but helpful hint: just po-facedly repeating the words "science," "reason," "logic" and "facts" isn't going to convince a soul that you actually know what any of them mean. To do that, you have to demonstrate the ability to engage honestly with evidence and competing hypotheses. Hell, even just the ability to read the links you're madly Googling before you post them would be a start in the right direction... but that would make you a less entertaining crank, so hey. Your call.)
You are rubber, I am glue, hey? Play it any way you need to, pal.
"Yes, an unheard-of level of subtlety for a sockpuppet, never before witnessed by human eyes! You outdo yourself once again, sir. Well played. " Why on earth would I need a "sockpuppet?" The only people using such lame methods that I've ever encountered are those whose so-called "arguments" depend on others agreeing with him... in other words, concensus. Since I only use science, logic, reason and facts to back my arguments, pretending to be other people saying "Yeah! I agree with him!" would do me no good whatsoever. I don't really give a rat's ass how many people agree with me.
A profanity filter that doesn't work on caps. Seriously.
You go, garbagewingnut! It was totally like cold out today take that you stupid f**king liberal f**king f**ks f**king f**king f**ks like you f**king f**ks, FUCK! Get a brain, morans! http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/n/U/moran.jpg (Oh, the irony...)
can the global warming programs predict how much colder it will get seeing as the global temperature is dropping right now? or maybe it will predict how much more ice the arctic ice caps will gain... f**king global warming bulls**t douchebaggery. you'll notice they're calling it 'global climate change' now because the earth is cooling but its still definitely because of CO2 and definitely caused by man. sunspots and natural climate cycles are completely absurd and far too logical for everyone to believe. just keep on thinking we're all special and so important that we impact something as expansive as global climate and please pray that cows and sheep stop farting so much because it will kill our ozone. dumb f**king liberals
Yes, an unheard-of level of subtlety for a sockpuppet, never before witnessed by human eyes! You outdo yourself once again, sir. Well played.
You might have noticed that the person was actually quoting me. Idiot.
(Kinda funny how "intelcm" suddenly shows up with diction exactly like CavX's to defend the latter, innit?)
6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain
6 Bullshit Facts About Psychology That Everyone Believes
13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares
The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
