A few weeks ago I related a charming anecdote about the Cracked offices that involved thinly veiled racism, sexual assault, rampant stupidity and may or may not have actively advocated huffing gasoline (several times). Then I figured: That would make a great children’s book!
I was wrong, but here it is anyway.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Children, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How Not to Deal With The Red Ring of Death
My Field Trip to the Large Hadron Collider
The Cracked.com Open Bar: An Incomplete Recollection
A Touching Children's Book Written While High
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November 13th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Uhm, I’m pretty sure CreatureFace was making fun of the cockstain who was complaining about the meter shit.
Anyways. Love it. Completely.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
lol a thousand times lol
November 9th, 2009 at 11:46 am
My dick became hard while I read this. And it was all because of the awesome.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
It has already been stated that that wasn’t the point of the article, CreatureFace. So, you know, go pound sand.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
The meter of this poem is terrible, just terrible. You see, I have no sense of humor or personal experience with a naked woman, however I do have a great deal of knowledge about proper meter. This my friend, is not it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go exfoliate my face with the jarred semen of a twelve year old Thai boy.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm
dude
awesomeness
and yes it should be read high ^^
October 26th, 2009 at 9:20 am
look at the lava in the form of a flick.
October 24th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
LMAO @ quuensativa down there…..LLLLLLLLLLLLOL
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
oh my lordy I nearly pee’d my panties! this was hilarious!! people need to thrill-ax and take a chill pill over the whole ‘meter’ thing. As far as i’m concerened, a meter is measuring term SO SHUT THE HELL UP
brilliant
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
you deserve a caldecott medal for this. seriously.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
EPIC!
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:03 am
I loved it, the rhymes though my son won’t be reading something like this till he’s at least 12 :O)
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 am
First of all i would like to know: did you do all those sweet drawings, dude? Well done to you!
And also, CARTOON BROCKWAY IS TOO AWESOME. We could all learn a thing or two from him. And i would like him on a t-shirt, please.
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 pm
(to add on)
I just read back through the comments and WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE RYTHM!
It were ritten high You should read it HIGH.
Fuckin tards
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Funny shit! Lava sled Hoe looks like (Unhappily Ever After) Nikki Cox!!
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Brockway,
That was a great defense but you can do better.
Use your eye lasers and the mustache beam. Come on.
Kill them all.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
That as freaken amazing
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
QueenSativa= best mom ever.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
That was awesome.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I wasn’t even aware there was supposed to be a rhythm until somewhere toward the end.
That isn’t bad though.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I just read this aloud to my 6 month old. He loved it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
LMAO!! I wrote and drew things like that while high. It sure is fun and fucked up. I just might be doing that today after work…
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
That was friken awsome
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:28 am
That was great!
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:37 am
did tom green write this book!
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:59 am
The pictures are epic, especially when he goes into the generator room.
LOL @ english major cockfags. They got burnt worse than Miyagi the dinosaur
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:23 am
Aw, look at all the kids that took an intro to poetry class!
Here’s a tip: This is not a parody of a poem. It is a parody of a children’s book. Just because something rhymes doesn’t mean it also has a definitive meter.
That’s great that you love reading and you’re super excited to show everybody how you’re capable of learning new words, but loosely grasping what meter is doesn’t mean that it suddenly applies to everything. For example, I recently learned about nuclear transmutation and have a loose grasp on the subject, but I don’t walk into coffee shops and tell them that their pastries are “pretty good for a foodstuff” and it’s just too bad that they have “kind of an awkward radioactive decay.”
I used the barista analogy so you could relate to it, English majors. Now shut up and get me my fucking coffee, and I swear to god if there’s not whip cream and sprinkles on it I am making you take it back.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:21 am
[...] A Touching Children’s Book Written While High (Cracked) [...]
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:49 am
This was great. Seriously, who cares about the rhythm?
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:59 am
sick
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:58 am
Dudes - who cares about the rhythm? Are you sorry that you can’t read this to your children because not every line flows off of the tongue? I don’t have children, but I don’t think I’d let a little thing like rhythm stop me from reading this to them.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:34 am
lol mr miyagi karate kid!
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 am
I liked that.
But the rhythm would have been better if you had removed the “even” in not even a big deal.
But I guess you wanted to make a weird rhythm.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:03 am
That was actually pretty entertaining. The illustrations are brilliant. The rhythm is clumsy, but I think that was the point.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Nice.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:38 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:18 pm
That was absolutly brilliant. Laughed my ass off at ‘No, you pushed me you fuck!’
October 21st, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Eh, this was okay.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:15 pm
You’re a pretty good comedian …
… but a pretty lousy poet.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I fapped hard.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:07 pm
You’re like one of the great wordsmiths of our time! Just like 2Pac, Lil Wayne, and Ol’ Dirty.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Fucking hilarious. Hilarious, breathtaking and touching.
Hilarious, breathtaking, touching and disturbing.
Hilarious, breathtaking, touching, disturbing and…
I think the joke has run its course. But it was funny.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Two words, FUCKING AWSOME. I wasn’t even stoned and this was great.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:28 pm
watch meghan mccain photo
http://zhoola.com/meghan_mccain_photo.html
October 21st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
This is actually pretty weak by the standard Brockway has set for himself.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I liked the pictures. Especially the Hot throbbing cock.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Brockway’s reach-a-round, Dr. Sedeuss, f’ing meter complaints (really, meter?), and swimming in another’s wake…bad way to start a good day, you know?
October 21st, 2009 at 7:04 pm
poor maxwell
(T_T)
October 21st, 2009 at 6:53 pm
This was awesome. It’s like Dr Seuss had Dr Seuss been a lot more rad and a lot less wholesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I cried when Maxwell died.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I’d buy that book!
Also, the word you were looking for to describe Dr. Prehistoria was pterosaur. Means ‘wing lizard’.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Don’t cry for Maxwell.
He’s in a better place now.
Hell.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:52 pm
dig it!
October 21st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
watch meghan mccain
http://zhoola.com/meghan_mccain_photo.html
October 21st, 2009 at 5:44 pm
It’s not Edward Gorey, but it’s pretty damn catchy.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I stopped reading it pretty quickly, but enjoyed the art work very much!
October 21st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
It doesn’t flow very well, but it’s still pretty good
The rhyming’s not bad, but I feel that it should
have consistant spelling - it’s not right to have
a mixture of British, Yankee and Chav!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
People are complaining about the meter? Seriously?! Mr. Brockway this was bloomin’ amazing. I already loved your articles but this was awesome. Great work and the pictures are-dare I say it- cute.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Jimmie,
Great idea, but careful. “Adult Children’s Book” comes perilously close to “Children’s Adult Book”… and we all know where that path leads.
Prison. Where the only books you’ll be publishing will be, “Why Does My Ass Bleed When I Poop?”, “1,001 Inmate Love Poems”, and “50 Recipes For Pruno.”
October 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
If I were a publisher, I would publish this. Granted you would have to write a ton more so we could have an “Adult Children’s Book” series.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Hilarious. I love the accompanying pictures.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
For the record, I’m PRETTY SURE I read that last little tidbit in the MLA Handbook, so it’s GOTTA be true.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Besides, this was all based on a true story.
True stories are allowed to have facts that overlap with obscure pieces of fiction.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
hahaha so funny and awesome. am i the only person who doesnt make huge comment paragraphs
October 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Seriously? The boy with the moustache is quite obviously a cartoon me. The dinosaur is quite clearly from the previous post I mentioned right fucking there up top. Am I not allowed to mention dinosaurs or MY VERY SELF now because the extremely generic concepts were mentioned in a webcomic one time?
You fuckers are reaching.
For dicks.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Fucking. Awesome. Fucking awesome. The illustrations were great and it flowed beatifully and I seriously didn’t think you were going to put something like this out but I’m absolutely ecstatic that you did. And yeah! You use that minor and put Seer in his place! WHOOOO!!
October 21st, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I had some fun but I noticed something. A boy with a mustache and a dinosaur? Doesn’t that look a lot like Dr. McNinja?
GORDITOOOOOOO!
October 21st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Cracked figured that recycling is good for the environment; too bad they are doing it wrong.
@siggigod:
I had not noticed, good find!
Also, Scribblenauts is FTW.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I had some fun but I noticed something. A boy with a mustache and a dinosaur? Doesn’t that look a lot like Dr. McNinja?
October 21st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
haha awesome and great drawings.
I usually expect stuff like this to fall flat on its face, but you did a great job
*thumbs up*
October 21st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Hilarious! If you change the dirty to clean, you could write badass childrens’ books!
October 21st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Fuck you, Brockway. I almost choked to death on my Dr. Pepper.
You sir, are my new favorite columnist.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
“not being a dick ” nice.This was better then the other one (I tend to lose interest ), also can i request more sexy cave women next time. They don’t even need to be apart of the story you can just sprinkle them around.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Probably the funniest thing I’ve read on the site in the last week. Kudos for keeping the rhyme alive through the whole thing. Also, for exposing how every kids book seems to be a sick parable for some major adult issue. James and the Giant Peach? The Giving Tree? The list goes on.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Brockway-
And here I was thinking that your major was Mustachioed Awesomeness with a minor in Asskicking.
I feel so disillusioned now. I’m going to go shave.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Amusing, but I actually found Schroeder’s poem much more well-written.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
this poem is of the best up to date
dont mind what Seer says, your writing is great~
October 21st, 2009 at 1:42 pm
It’s as if he had the 1st couple of paragraphs down in his head, then realized…oh man, I have to fill a page…forcing rhymes and gay jokes
That went downhill like a broken wheelchair on an inclined slope
October 21st, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Yes, I did the illustrations as well, and yes, I do know what meter is and how to use it. I have an English degree as well, I just also took a minor in “not being a dick about it.”
October 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Seer,
You can just go ahead and join Maxwell in hell for all I care.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
This is the second time you’ve written about this.
You’re beginning to worry me a bit, Mr. B-way. I’m starting to think that all this really happened and you are trying to hide that fact by writing about it in order to make us think it never really occurred.
Or something like that. At any rate, job well done - carry on!
October 21st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“Goddamn you, Brockway!” Schroeder barely could cry
“I choked on a chip, surely I’ll die!”
The article was great, he thought but couldn’t say
And O he would have laughed, would have laughed all damn day!
But you cared not at all for the health of your readers
Only for your beard and the shafts of black peters.
Lo, though he died, while choked on a chip
And though the author cared not a fuck nor a flip
Schroeder died with a smile and a chip in his maw
and Brockway laughed heartily with a beardly “Guffaw!”
Seriously though, good job.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Seriously, Seer? Really?
October 21st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Having spent the past week reading bedtime stories to my 4 year old nephew; this made me happy in ways I dare not say.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“You pushed me! You fuck!”
Best laugh of the day (I’m not that drunk yet).
October 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“and i swear, at the time, this all seemed a lot less gay.”
hahaha, this is one of the funniest articles i have read so far.
where can i buy the paperback?
October 21st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
DUDE BROCKWAY.
kudos for the rimes, man! and btw, did you do all the drawings?
love the last 2 lines
October 21st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Funny stuff.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Seer, as an English teacher, I strongly advise you to shove that diploma you know where and see if the meter stays the same.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:36 am
“They met two mighty warriors who came from the lands of far East
Named Long Wang and mighty Dong (and they giggled at each)”
Seuss would be proud (or jealous!)
October 21st, 2009 at 11:00 am
I agree with Seer, but he could have said it without his “look at me I have an English major” attitude.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:59 am
That’s Deep.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:24 am
mehfag.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Needs more tits.
Seer, shut the fuck up.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:12 am
Funny material, but as an English major I was pretty miffed with the constant changes to the meter.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:01 am
I’d read this book to my kids every night. If the government would let me have them back. :/
October 21st, 2009 at 9:36 am
I want the lava sled and the cavegirl to go along with it. I’d buy this book in printed form, no question. \m/
October 21st, 2009 at 9:36 am
brilliant.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:24 am
Haaaaaahahaha.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:20 am
That was funny as hell…. thanks.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:06 am
I laughed SO hard.. this is pure gold. You should definitely do a weekly installment of the Adventures of The Mustachioed Boy.
“Suddenly the sled began to yaw, jump and buck
And poor Maxwell fell! ‘No, you pushed me! You fuck!’”
Pure. Gold.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:00 am
Awesome, Brilliant, Epic, …..Awesome again.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:55 am
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Digg by michaelrsa: At least Maxwell can take comfort in the fact that his death allowed for the mustachioed boy to make such a fucking awesome jump. …
October 21st, 2009 at 8:55 am
“hail the all mighty robert brockway!
a guy who has a moustache and still is not gay!
this story has its fun and thrills,
it has the spookiness and the chills,
….”
fuck yeah its awesome!
October 21st, 2009 at 8:48 am
Absolutely dongtastic.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’d buy this if it were a book. Seriously.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:34 am
Wow, I’m usually a fan of the longer and more wordy articles, but this was gold. Well done Brockway, you actually made me laugh out loud! Did you do the drawings as well?
October 21st, 2009 at 8:28 am
I thought it would never happen. But I was so gloriously wrong. Seriously this was amazing.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:07 am
I clicked on the link and read the whole bit/
Doubled over in laughter, I think I just shit/
You knack for drugs & beastiality/
Gives rise to the inquiery, are you a furry?/
…and uh, miles to go before I sleep, yeah, awesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:55 am
Lauren B.: so do i. ORGY TIME!!!
October 21st, 2009 at 7:51 am
Very good
October 21st, 2009 at 7:48 am
I want to shag the person who wrote this.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:30 am
HAHA. EPIC
October 21st, 2009 at 7:28 am
It was pretty good … but nothing on the original Brave tale of Maxwell the dinosaur and the sinister Dr Prehistoria.
*That* was class.
Still, rock on Brockway.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:21 am
I…I love you.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:21 am
LOL! Love it, Mr. B.! An absolute cornucopia of whimsical grit.
Too bad you can’t get Boris Karloff for the audio book, oh, wait, maybe you can get Hank Azaria doing Karloff!
Well played… your lit teachers should be proud!
Can’t wait to see the sequel.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:13 am
Rhyming doesn’t always work without a good flow, it was still hilarious though, I enjoyed reading this then rereading the original article you wrote about this adventure in, but where’s the scientist/janitor?
October 21st, 2009 at 7:08 am
Awesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:01 am
The pictures made this great.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:58 am
He stole all the copper wiring … hahahahahahah
October 21st, 2009 at 6:55 am
Aww…i Cried while reading it…it was so sad
October 21st, 2009 at 6:52 am
That was epic. I would buy that book for my kids.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:51 am
Oh, dear. Horribly, horribly good. I like the cute, crude little pictures, too.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:43 am
LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:38 am
Mr Brockway,
I do believe you have an instant classic on your hands. I read this to my seven year old sister before her nap, and she really must have enjoyed it, because she kept weeping tears of joy and saying something about never sleeping again.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:18 am
Kadosh!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:18 am
instant classic
October 21st, 2009 at 6:01 am
wicked
October 21st, 2009 at 5:54 am
This was brilliant. Pure genius.
Since when did genius rhyme with penis? pee-ni-us? I have no idea on that one.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:48 am
This was amazing.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:44 am
Brockway strikes again! I feel like my brain has been raped! (In a Good way!!)
October 21st, 2009 at 5:42 am
lol…really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __ http://Tallconnect.com ___, do you hear this before?
October 21st, 2009 at 5:41 am
You must have an utterly bizarre speaking voice if that poem actually rhymed when you said it aloud.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:41 am
[...] Touching Children’s Book (Written While High) Jump to comments Posted in: Featured A new column is up at Cracked today, and really the only thing I have to say about this is as following: Do not attempt this at home. [...]
October 21st, 2009 at 5:36 am
Haha that was great
October 21st, 2009 at 5:29 am
When I have children…I shall read this to them often
October 21st, 2009 at 5:13 am
This is brilliant!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:46 am
Dr. Prehistoria reminded me of the high-tech dinsosaur end-boss in Chrono Trigger. Very, very awesome!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:36 am
Heh, brilliant! Clever, silly, AND epic!!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:33 am
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October 21st, 2009 at 4:32 am
I like the “Sacrifice.” that was noble.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:29 am
Very well done! I think this is the only time that story can be reused and be funnier than the first time!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:27 am
Cracked needs more humorous rhyming passages. This and DOB’s “Christmasturbation” are awesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:21 am
that was fun to read hehe, good job
October 21st, 2009 at 4:19 am
It’s like Calvin and Hobbes, except a hundred times more awesome.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:16 am
Somehow the story seems a lot friendlier and not so violent with the colored pictures. Guess it just shows that almost anything can be made kid friendly if you add kid friendly pics.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:16 am
Holy fuck, Brockway. That was epic!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:15 am
Very amusing, sir.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:08 am
Like Calvin and Hobbes on… whatever the hell that was.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:45 am
I love the illustrations on that! Who made them? Anyway, I liked the whole thing a lot.