Recently, Dustin “Give It Up, You’ll Always Be Screech To Us” Diamond has announced the release of a “tell-all” book about Saved By the Bell called Behind The Bell. This book was in lieu of participating in the much-desired Saved By the Bell reunion Jimmy Fallon has been trying to orchestrate. Upon reading excerpts from the book and responses from the rest of the cast, it has become pretty apparent that the book is in fact just the hyperbolic ramblings of someone who simply does not know what he’s talking about. This is most likely due to Dusty not being that close with the cast then or now, which would lead to him writing a bitter, spiteful book about what he thinks went on behind doors he wasn’t behind.
Not to be out done, Andrea Barber, the actress who played Kimmy Gibbler on Full House, is coming out with her own “tell-all” book, Foul House: Hugs, Drugs,and Scandal On The Set Of Full House. After an emotionally-scarring yet extremely forgettable night with Barber, I got my hands on a so-far-unreleased copy. I now share with you some selected excerpts:
My first day on set was pretty great, because I got to meet Candace Cameron. I was also introduced to the other girls, the tall guy, the funny voices uncle, the music uncle and the music uncle's fake wife. We didn't have a whole lot of interaction that day, but I had a feeling Candace and I would be fast friends. I think we were, but not in a lezzy sort of way, at least on her end.
Don't mention that to Candace.
The cast would always do this thing called “Game Night” and it was always during the weeks when I wasn’t in the episode. I can only imagine the kind of drugging, fucking and sucking that went on at those Game Nights. Why else would they not invite me? Candace knew me really well and she KNEW I abhorred drugging, fucking and sucking. I always appreciated how she would make sure they didn’t invite me to “Game Night.”
And there was so much fucking! SO much fucking! That Aladdin guy would always have scenes with Candace (my friend), but I remember many occasions when the Aladdin guy would eat lunch with the middle blonde girl instead. They would always eat together and go to craft services and order a “Full House” (which was three steaks and two more steaks). Scandal? Definitely.
The voice of Aladdin, the dong of the genie from that Shaq movie.
I swear, sometimes I wouldn’t even see either of them for short and long periods of time. What else could that mean? There's probably some kind of genie/bottle metaphor where the genie is the Aladdin guy’s junk and the bottle is the middle blonde girl’s junk and then you put them together and they were totally fucking on set, alright?! I’m telling you! Seriously. That dude and that chick were fucking. Now, this seems like as good a segue as any to get into the whole amateur porn thing, which I won’t get into, but you should know that the uncle that did the voices has always done and will always do amateur porn.
"Is that vagina made of... wood?"
I don't want to tattle or anything, but the tall guy spent way too much time hanging out with the dog character.
During the first few months, I noticed that Candace and I hadn't actually talked yet. She would have told me we'd hang some other time, but she was really busy, so she couldn't tell me anything. She and the other girl and the music uncle went to the zoo instead of telling me why we hadn't actually talked yet. I was surprised the tall guy didn't go with them to the zoo, since he hung out with the dog character so often.
Sometimes the funny voices uncle would show up high on meth and offer some to the newly pubertied middle blonde girl. He would call it “ice cream” or “let’s go over our lines,” but you could tell he was totally fucking her while they were on the meth they were on. One time I smelled smoke coming from under his dressing room door, and 10 minutes later the fire department came and put out a fire caused by the misuse of a hot plate. The funny voices uncle almost died. Serves him right for smoking meth near a hot plate or whatever. I suppose that’s the life you sign up for when you have always done and will always do amateur porn, though.
"Admittedly, I photoshopped this. She wasn't wearing those jeans."
One time Candace was talking to the tall guy, and she didn’t frown at me as I walked past. Whether or not she noticed me is inconsequential. She did not frown at me, that’s the important thing. I think that was actually the same day the tall guy started calling me “Cummy Gobbler” but I didn’t mind because I felt it was a great improvement on “Gummy Dribbler,” which made light of my abnormally viscous spit and how it leaks out of my mouth on occasion. The Cummy Gobbbler thing caught on pretty quick. Not with Candace, though. She just called me “Cum,” because we were so tight. Also, I think the tall guy sold drugs or did drugs or mentioned drugs or something.
Several months into the first season, the music uncle suggested I “take off my pants” and “prove I’m a girl.” I wanted to seem like a team player, so I obliged. He seemed surprised, and said it was just a "figure of speech." Next, I experienced a good 20 minutes of my relatively new coworkers pointing and laughing at my oddly-colored and uncommonly-shaped genitals. It would have been over much quicker, but pulling women's pants over my misshapen privates can be a tall order, even when I'm not weeping hysterically.
You know those two little troll babies? I bet you didn’t know they were actually just one person. I swear to God, they are. The tall guy told me! He also told me that the other two babies the music uncle and the music uncle’s fake wife had on the show were the troll baby’s babies in real life. Scandal times two! Then the tall guy gave me a noogie with his ball sac and told me to go “cunt off to Hell.” This, of course, spawned an entire lost episode of the show that’s just like the normal show only someone would every once in a while tell my character to go cunt off to Hell. They went with a flashback episode instead.
They superimposed me into the Disney World episode. I did not get to go to Disney World.
There were signs the funny voices uncle was losing his mind throughout most of the series. He would walk around the set doing his Bullwinkle impression for no one. Once, I went up to him and asked if he could do a different voice for a bit and he asked, “What voice?” I said, “Popeye” just as the tall guy tackled me from behind. “Go cunt off to Hell,” said the funny voices uncle in his Popeye voice. I would have thanked him for doing what I asked, but the tall guy sat on me until I passed out and by the time I woke up it was time for my scene.
"Go cunt off to Hell, Kimmy."
I was on set during the filming of one of the Beach Guy Singers episodes (it doesn’t matter which one). The weirdest of the Beach Guy Singers sat at the piano and made up a song about me called “Uncommonly-Shaped and Oddly-Colored Genitals.” I cried because it was so beautiful and also because it made fun of my horrible genitalia problem. Attention all eligible bachelors: I have since gotten half of my genitalia problem fixed, so start lining up. I won't tell you which half, because guessing is part of the fun! The other part, of course, is pointing and laughing at my currently normal-colored and oddly-shaped genitalia.
Seriously, Candace was awesome. We were going to have lunch the other day but her phone was off or not working or she changed her number. I can tell she misses me, though.
"This was the last time we ever touched."
During a different Beach Guy Singers episode, the music uncle got on drums and they played “Little Old Lady From Pasadena” except the tall guy sang and changed the lyrics to “Little Gross Lady With Bird-Like Features.” I’m pretty sure he did it because he was on drugs at the time or selling drugs or mentioning drugs or something. Candace would know. I’ll ask her when we have lunch.
The music uncle’s fake wife punched me once, right in the tit. The tall guy laughed so hard he crapped. Seriously. He laughed really hard, reached into his pants, pulled out a turd and threw it at me. I, of course, was screaming from the pain at the time so, yes, America, I accidentally swallowed a turd. Happy?
It was around that time everyone started calling me “Cummy Gobbler: Turd Swallower.” Except Candace, of course. She just called me “Cum Turd.”
It wasn't all eating turds, though. Once, I got to make out with that Yankee Doodle Boy actor. I had a crush on him for years and it didn't ruin it at all when he made me call him "Kimmy." I thought it was cute.
He called me "Comet."
The funny voices uncle had pretty much lost it towards the end of the series. He would start to carry around Mr. Woodchuck (who was a pretty well-renowned pornstar by that point) and make me touch all the stains. Seriously, that puppet was covered in stains, and the funny voices uncle would just shove it in my face and make me kiss it. “Cummy Gobbler: Turd Swallower is Frenching a puppet!” everyone would shout, and then go have "Game Night."
During the filming of the last episode, I was glad the madness was coming to a close. I had built up a following and a future for my career with Full House, but at what cost? Being left out of what I’m sure was a fun time? Being just on the periphery of what I assume was a lot of drugging, fucking and sucking? Absolutely. I wouldn’t change a minute of it, especially the few minutes I shared with Candace, who I hope reads this and maybe gives me a call sometime. We have a lot of catching up to do. For one, I’d like to hear what Disney World is like.
Look… just… please buy my sex tape, OK? I need cash. If you bought this book, you might like my sex tape. It stars me, a goose and I’d like to say the kid who played Urkel, but, no.
It’s just me and the goose.
Every copy of Foul House also comes with a free audio CD. It contains a wide variety of material, like the banned-from-the-radio “Go Cunt Off To Hell (She Swallowed A Turd)” by DJ DJ Tanner featuring Uncle Stavros (Sample Lyrics: I'm a ripper, I'm Greek, I'm from the ER metropolis, and I'm fucking Mystique because I'm Jesse Katsopolis).
Here is a selected track for your supposed enjoyment. According to Andrea Barber, it is “from when the funny voices uncle had one of his fits and recorded a full length album of Mr. Woodchuck singing songs that were written by the music uncle.” The idea sounds horrible and the song also sounds horrible. They also got some literally retarded person to turn it into a video so you'd have pretty moving pictures to look at while you listen.Mr. Woodchuck sings Michelle's Smiling