Cracked Round-up: PG Edition

As a bid to increase our readership among children aged 3-16, we've declared this Round-Up to be our first 'PG' Round-Up. That means no tits, no violence, and no f*****g curse words. Oh, s**t.


The week began with Michael Swaim's glorious return in a flurry of videos and sin. Next up, Bucholz lied about that Socialism-wracked backwater, Canada, while Robert Brockway read too many Robert Howard stories. Seanbaby closed us out by finally confessing his man-love for Tony Jaa. Also, Gladstone did a thing.


BLECH
8 Most Insulting Attempts to Raise Money for a Cause
Sometimes philanthropists are the worst assholes of all.
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Notable Comment:"Ever since I read the Swaim's back thing, everything I read is in his voice in my head... Is this some sort of voodoo possession or am I just super gay for Swaim?"


Can't it be both, irishladdie727?
WONG
The 5 Circles of Baffling Web Comic Hell
Web comics are to real comics what child prostitutes are to legitimate hookers.

Notable Comment: "Italians don't commit the most crime. They just commit the most well though out crime. But remember, we own the spaghetti, we own your ass. "


We'd argue, ManhandleZinc, but we're afraid of waking up with a horse's head in our bed.
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BAD TOUCH
5 Incredibly Impractical Sexual Fetishes
This article proves once and for all that people will masturbate to any damn thing.
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Notable Comment:" I love articles like this because they make me seem less crazy."

We know what you do when you're alone in your bedroom, Gravedigger 3, and 'crazy' doesn't even begin to cover it.


BAD WORK
The 8 Most Ill-Conceived Product Names of All-Time
Advertising executives get paid tens of million dollars for what, again?

Notable Comment:"Was anyone else suprised after going to the second page and seeing that the website was stilled called Cracked.com? I really expected it to say testicles. I was disappointed to say the least. "

So were our advertisers, mrs.bombastic.


DEATHCLAW!
6 Cheap Acting Tricks That Fool The Critics Every Time
The moral of the story is that Jim Carrey can't do anything right. Except for Ace Ventura 2, that movie was f*****g phenomenal.
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Notable Comment:"You're forgetting the one trick that will never ever fail. Dying after the movie's been done but before it is released."

We didn't forget about it, Oyster, we just chose not to mention it.



SWAIM
8 Videos of People Who Look Like Special Effects Creations
Swaim's back!

YOU YOU YOU!
23 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved in Minutes
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Schools Were Truthful.
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Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

8.13.09:

Why Freddy Krueger was teased as a kid.
by MikeSwisher

Editor's pick:

what the f**k did you do to my little brother...I just wanted you to scare him...
by nauticafan19

8.12.09:

The B Team.
by max90

Editor's pick:

It's prevents STDs by elimating the probability of getting laid. How effective!
by Versus

8.11.09:

We're going to need a bigger newspaper...
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

If that thing is full of clowns I'm going to s**t my pants.
by benji

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8.10.09:

No German porn allowed.
by racedogg2

Editor's pick:

Well, what the hell CAN you do in this town?
by bcanders

8.9.09:

Of course there aren't air holes. The balls would fill up with water and...uh oh.
by Blinker_Fluid

Editor's pick:

How they train sharks to play volleyball.
by ronin22

8.8.09:

The butterfly hawk was pleased. Its children would eat well that day.
by Fkelleghan

Editor's pick:

On August 8, 2009, mankind successfully mooned God.
by racedogg2

8.7.09:

So here's to you Mr. Went-Way-Out-of-Your-Way-to-Inform-Everyone-at-Your-Ex-girlfriend's-Office-That-She-Has-Crabs. This Bud's for you.
by mrpeabody

Editor's pick:

The best parallel parker in the WORLD.
by theshookman

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