The 8 Most Insulting Attempts to Raise Money for a Cause
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So you have an important cause you want to raise money for, or at least it's important to you. But people are slow to part with their hard-earned cash. How do you go about the careful process of trying to get them to take dough out of their pocket and stuff it into yours? Well it turns out it's difficult, especially if you're a prick. #8.
The 9/11 Dove Shoot
Every fundraiser needs a hook. You can't just say you want to raise money for syphilis research and offer people the chance to touch your syphilitic wang for $5. You'll barely make $100 that way. You need something that will make people say, "Fuck yeah I want to do that, and it's for a good cause!" And what better way to raise money for a Republican Superintendent of Education than by shooting doves, the symbol of peace? Well, there is one better way; do it on September 11.
It's possible the entire event was some manner of incredibly Swiftian satire, but the Republican party was never really known for being quite so intentionally hilarious (even though this was just a few months after Dick Cheney shot some poor bastard on his own hunting trip). Maybe it's the fact that Karen Floyd was a candidate in South Carolina and things just work a little differently down there.
It's probably saddest for the doves, of course, who have no idea that they've been made a symbol of peace at all, and even if they did, would have real difficulty grasping why, as a symbol of peace, they need to be shot at to raise money for hawkish politicians wanting to stick it to the anti-war movement. We don't expect you to understand the intricacies of American politics, little dove. #7.
Tits for Tots
What's hard about giving money to a good cause is you know there are so many others that deserve it. You contribute to microloans to help Third World farmers, but maybe you should have given to cancer research instead. You contributed to the March of Dimes but maybe you should have given money to women who want bigger boobs. Yes, the sad truth is that we live in a world in which some women can't even afford to have silicone shoved into their tits. Fortunately, myfreeimplants.com is leading the charge against this horrible scourge of modernity by saying "No" to natural breasts and yes to helping disadvantaged ladies get the funding they need to become the proud owners of bulbous sweater kittens.
Using the power of the Internet, the website joins these underprivileged women with semi-anonymous benefactors whose only desire is to see these ladies benefit from improved self-esteem and confidence and at no time does anyone even ponder wanking to images of big, supple boobies. That would be crass. Sure, some ladies choose to reward donors with nudie pics, but you don't have to. Good luck getting your money, prude.
Ladies sign up for the site just as men do and, once someone has donated money to her cause, they gain access to her pictures and contact information, making it a fair trade sort of deal, a few bucks towards boobs in exchange for stalking rights to be shared amongst a few dozen or hundred other guys. Naturally a site so dedicated to helping improve self image goes above and beyond by offering women and men whatever procedure they require to help better themselves, except for none of that is true. The site only serves women and the only procedure they'll help anyone get is breast augmentation. Because they care. #6.
Pretend to be Handicapped Day
Nothing is more adorable than dressing up your child in a humiliating costume that may give them some sort of complex later in life, except for doing the same thing to your dog. But no one is raising funds with dogs in hilarious costumes that we know of, so we'll stick to children. But we can't just dress them up like Yoda or Snarf or whatever it is the kids are into these days. No, we need to dress them up as the handicapped. For charity.
Confused? So were the parents of students at an Australian Public School when they got a letter telling them their kids needed to dress up a little gimpy to raise money for a clinic in Bangladesh. The school was offering prizes for the best costume and encouraged kids to be creative in thinking up what disability they could represent.
It's fascinating to think that there is more than one adult in Australia who thinks there's a tasteful way to pretend to have a handicap. Will you twitch and bat your chest like the classic retard while eating gum off the floor? Or perhaps get ahold of some kind of degenerative muscle disorder and wheel your way to class? No, this is like blackface; it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, if next Halloween you go as "Guy who has Cerebral Palsy," you're going to get chased down the street. Now picture an entire school full of children who've been given a blank check to do that and... actually, we would pay money to watch that whole thing unfold. #5.
The Undercover Scientology Fundraiser
Probably the first rule of any fundraising campaign is to be sure that the people you're soliciting money from don't already hate you. It's way easier to raise money for something like spaying and neutering dogs if you're the local humane society as opposed to, say, a group of skinheads. Still, some folks try to be a little crafty with who they are and what they're doing when it comes to raising money. You may be wondering just what sort of lowlife would omit important details like who was running a fundraiser. The answer, of course, is Scientologists.
Back in 2007, when Tom Cruise was busy saving the Earth from aliens, two second string Scientologists (Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields) were headlining a Narconon event in Hawaii. Lisa Marie Presley and John Travolta were to be guests of honor at a $2500 a ticket concert to raise cash for Scientology's anti-drug program. Scientologists were expecting about 1,000 people to attend, but they'd neglected to mention the term "Scientology" anywhere in the advertising for the event. And while arguably you could say people should know they're behind Narconon and that shouldn't be an issue, when a local newspaper took the time to point out that it was, in fact, a Scientology event, just short of nobody bought a ticket.
That's right; when the community found out it was a Scientology anti-drug event, they rose up as one and said, "We'd rather have the crack, thank you." |
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I know it was three months ago but the comment Froobius is mindfuckingly retarded.
Yes The big corporations donate the money in their own name. Did you think they would donate each individual dollar to the charity under each individual persons name?
The reason for that tax break for giving to charity is SO companies will do that. The WHOLE f*****g POINT is so big companies will use there power to raise money for charity. YES their motive is the tax break and practically FREE publicity but your right. f**k children hospitals. Its better they go under staffed, under funded, and under supplied just so Mcdonalds and Walmart can't claim tax money. You f*****g moron.
The fact is if they hadn't done it the tens of thousands of consumers who shrugged and handed them a dollar WOULDN'T have. Until you go door to door in your town raising money for charity, donating each and every single cent in the name of the person who gave you the cash, kindly shut the f**k up.
"Don't believe me, look at Canada, the UK, and what not. Those people will tell you that we have the best healthcare system right now!" - funny how NO-ONE from the UK or Canada posting on here agrees with you, isn't it? Maybe it's because you know your healthcare system is s**t, but assumed no Canadians or Brits would come on AMERICA's only humour and video site (since 1958).
"Why are people arguing over 9/11, Democrats and Republicans when there are more important things to worry about?
Someone put an 8 where a 1 should be! Practically criminal! XD"
lol, awesome comment - i noticed that too.
Okay, I wasn't going to get involved because I *generally* agree with good old serial killer Jason, but! Italiangoddess you f*****g moron you dissed my healthcare system which you have never used or even come into contact with. I regularly visit a webcomic http://hijinksensue.com/ the creator of which (residing in the US) recently suffered 'thunderclap headaches' (a real thing apparently) and had to go to hospital for a brain scan and lumbar puncture. He is not well off and doesn't have insurance so he was seriously considering NOT having these tests done despite the fact that the headaches could be being caused by an ANEURISM! In the UK I have had 2 children, a broken wrist, numerous other injuries needing stitches, my daughter suffered from fits at 5 days old, my mother suffers from lung disease, and my partner also has had numerous injuries requiring hospital attention. Because we have SOCIAL (not socialist!) healthcare which requires that each person pay in a SMALL amount each month, every single one of these procedures was free to me at the point of use. As is every single procedure to every single citizen. Our healthcare system started deteriorating when we started letting f*****g private AMERICAN companies get involved and take profit from it (previously, any 'profit' was ploughed straight back into the care system). The whole idea of social healthcare is that we care for each other AS A SOCIETY. Being against it means you are AGAINST THE CONCEPT OF SOCIETY. And don't give me that s**t about 'my grandma would have been left to die on the NHS' because MY 89 year old grandma still gets treatment for her arthritis (chronic) and angina (chronic) that she has had for the last 20 years. YOUR system is the one where people are left to die, so don't comment on something you have less than no knowledge of!
Firstly the poor can f**k off and die. Secondly, most Americans have private healthcare or some crackpot form of Welfare or Medicare. Thirdly, why the hell are we talking about this online, when we could go talk to other jackasses on the street and punch them when we disagree so we'll be semi-productive. Lastly, for the love of God don't ever trust a politician, it shows your ignorance.
"Will you twitch and bat your chest like the classic retard while eating gum off the floor?"
The humor contained in this line has side effects, namely random outbursts of laughter.
Afghani is the currency, the people are Afghans, but whatever, who takes this s**t seriously, keep up the good work! It makes the work day fly by!
I am Scottish and I was in hysterics when i read the haggis accident sentence. Well done.
You guys missed the most insulting charity-grab of all:
Purchasing whatever at WalMart/McDonalds/Safeway/Etc. and being asked by the cashier or greeter if you'd like to donate "a buck to help the crippled kids in _________."
And you say, "Yeah, sure," because you don't want the hot chick in line behind you to think you're a selfish a*****e.
Congrats-- you just helped a giant corporation grow wealthier.
Because WalMart/McDonalds/Safewy/Etc. takes those millions of dollars (raised from suckers)and donates them to the Crippled Kids Charity in THEIR OWN NAME, then pockets the handy write-off at tax time.
Sadly, the best bet is to never donate money, at all.
I don't, and I sleep just fine. (And f**k you, hot chick behind me.)
Rudy Giuliani a cockbag?! No way? When did this happen?
Hey Italiangoddess, you used the UK as an example of how universal healthcare doesnt work?
Erm, well i live in the UK and our healthcare system has been very successful for the past 60 years since it was introduced. Compare to the US where if you're poor then tough, go die on the street.
Why do you care if you're italian anyway?
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Whoa... haggis is a dangerous weapon of mass destruction and shouldn't be taken lightly. I mean, I'm into my Scottish heritage and I've eaten that s**t. Also, I would imagine that the dead Scottish would want their country back from the UK much in the same way that Ireland did.
I'd donate some cash monies to them for being ballsy enough to occasionally flash their peens. They don't wear underwears under there.
Anyways, italiangoddess (is Italy pantheist? What kind of goddess are you? I love mythology!). I'm not so worried about losing the freedom part (as I am an unemployed, non-driving college student, I don't actually participate, or for that matter really live, in the real world, so none of that freedom stuff affects me) but I am worried about my "what not."
Also, I am curious as to your proof of the majority of assitude coming from Liberals or Democrats. Seriously, did you get that from Fox News? Also, do you actually know the American debt toll, at the moment, and for that matter, during the glorious reign of Bush junior?
For the record, those who fight for our forefathers' intended beliefs are not, in fact, Conservatives, or members of the GOP, they are, however, members of the Constitution Party. You know, since the forefathers' didn't have political machines and basically put forth all of their intentions in said document.
And, JasonVorhees, I believe you. You're the next Nostradamus. That guy had his s**t together... I mean look how he ended up! Win. His book has "rarely ever been out of print." And his prophecies only dealt with small issues like annihilation!
It is true that Brooke Shields sniped Tom Cruise's comment about her being... (can you call it sacrilegious if it's aliens?) against Scientology by taking Paxil for postpartum depression.
I've been thinking about fundraisers to help improve the living conditions of the Somalian pirates because I truly believe in the cause. Piracy.
I realize this is tl;dr. Also I don't care.
@kisses!!
Damn you. You had me counting.
terribly sorry about the typo on the 41st word of my previous comment, it is awfully late where i live... in fact, night night all. hope you enjoy your american sunsets:)
there seems to be something of an ongoing argument happening here between someone called italiangoddess and lots of rational people, the latter group of which, though i condone entirely their message, seem to have become bogged down in argument rather then addressing the far more worrying concern of how a retarded, one-legged, elephant orphan got hold of a computer and started leaving comments on a site not habitually frequented by retarded, one-legged, elephant orphans. I'm sure that this is merely an oversight and will be corrected swiftly.
But putting all arguments aside and focusing on the article, I'm fairly sure that in a count-down 8 does not fall after 1... how do you all feel?
guess i'll jump on the bandwagon and say, f**k YOU Italiangoddess
Calling all Liberals, fall back.
Italiangoddess, just look at it this way.
Everything that you're ranting on and getting upset about, it's just another day in the life of any disillusioned American who never believed in Obama or the government in the first place.
Despite that he was supposed to represent tolerance and positive change for a failing country, he is merely the next puppethead chosen to convince America that the emerging totalitarian police state is the best course of action.
He has absolutely no power other than the small amount given to him by his masters that placed him there.
You starve a weak person long enough and feed them table scraps,
they'll suck your dick just for the taste of meat.
If you starve an entire nation as a result of funneling most of the resources towards Military spending and invading other sovereign nations, weaken the infrastructure, reduce healthcare, have everyone in a constant state of terror, cut off millions of jobs so the masses can't even fend for themselves, having unlimited media coverage for propaganda and brainwashing,
You can have them eating loads of dick out of the palm of your hand.
Worked for Hitler.
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did anybody here notice that for number 1, its marked as number 8?