10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying)
As you may have heard, the economy is bad which means that every single person on Earth instantly became poor. You probably walk to work now and have been forced to pawn all of your Ultimate Fighting trophies.
But when scouring the Web for helpful money-saving tips, we ran across some so mind-bogglingly pointless or repulsive that we refused to believe even one person had actually tried them. The less than helpful tips include...
#10.
Sleep in the Airport
Here's a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you're the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you've long aspired to be?
The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty "accommodations" the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?
Hooker with an entire body of gold.
There's an entire website out there dedicated to letting your "cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage" ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.
Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, Sleepinginairports.net offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.
Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.
#9.
Separate the Two Ply
Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that's with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you're working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.
One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario--which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper--and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!
When they repossess your house, you'll still be swimming in toilet paper.
With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won't have time for that sort of thing because you'll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.
So really it's a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.
#8.
Make Your Own Cat Food
Undoubtedly, you've noticed how close having a cat takes you to the poverty line. Before you brought Fluffer into your life, you were living large in a sweet penthouse apartment and drinking Cristal from the shoes of high class escorts. Now you live in a one bedroom shithole and drink Lysol from your own boot, all because of that cat and its high-priced food. Where do supermarkets get off charging upwards of 70 cents a can?
Cats are assholes.
Well now you can stick it to big cat food by making your own repulsive, meaty sludge at home. Numerous sites offer up recipes and tips for making what amounts to bile-flavored liver and chicken for your special kitty. Imagine the thrill of finely slicing spinach and carrot, parboiling some ground turkey (for a "gravy-like appeal"), vegetable baby food and assorted other fillers, mixing the sludge together with dietary supplements and then serving your cat.
Though we have to admit this works out well for the cat, as you're skipping the factory ingredients that likely include powderized roadkill, fur and the occasional missing homeless dude.
#7.
Don't Eat on Monday
We're about to blow your fucking mind with the simplicity of this idea. Are you ready?
So a big chunk of your budget goes to food, right? Well did you know that if you simply stop eating for one day a week, you'll save one-seventh of your food budget? It's in a book and everything!
The plan is pretty simple: Just look over your schedule for the week and find that one 24 hour period of time you're pretty sure you don't actually need to have any nutrients and are willing to let your body feed off of your liver and some muscle tissue for fuel.
During which time you'll doubtlessly be irritable and feel slightly loopy, so we're suggesting Monday. You'll have just one more reason to give human resources when they ask why you bludgeoned a coworker that day, and you'll be secure in the knowledge that you were too weak to cause serious injury when you did it.
#6.
Wallow in Your Filth
One of the greatest scams ever perpetrated on mankind has clearly been the scam of cleanliness. Honestly, if living in shit was good enough for our cavemen-ancestors what makes us so high and mighty? Just because you wore those clothes outside, got them covered in crotch sweat, farts, burrito juice and angry hobo spittle, doesn't mean they can't hold out for a couple more wearings before firing up the washer.
That's the advice being handed out by visionaries who want to leapfrog steps like washing in cold and using energy efficient appliances, or even hanging your clothes to dry. All of those are going to cost you more than simply not washing them. It's time to push the envelope, people!
The assumption seems to be that your own natural musk and the various filthy substances you come across from day to day aren't so intolerable as to ruin an outfit after a single day's use. And this may very well be the case if you're an exceptionally clean person or, at the other end of the scale, spend a lot of time around hippies.
#2 makes it obvious how male you all are. Periods are bloody hilarious!
ReplyI am totally okay with the non embalming idea. The more I think about it, my post life planning would involve someone digging a whole, wrapping me in a shroud and throwing me in the ground. I'll be dead, and I'm not a Pharoah, so why is it a given that my family should have to pay for me to be preserved in a fancy box?
ReplyNo taco is free!!!
ReplySome of these are actually really good. I mean people insist on killing animals for fur when we can just recycle their shedded fur and make sweaters and jackets out of them. They look just as good as anything Eddie Bower or Macy's puts out. Also, it's freaking warm because it's real fur and causes no harm to anyone. Only thing is that it's dependent on your ability to knit and I have no idea if it's machine washable. Also, open caskets are retarded and formaldehyde is straight up dangerous. No one should be making a f*****g business out of someone's death and rotting corpses in expensive caskets aren't helping anyone. My grandparents have already told us they want to be cremated and then those ashes will be thrown off the San Juan islands where they both met each other. Also, reusable pads and tampons is a brilliant idea. They came up with something better though, the Diva or Moon cup which just catches all the blood, you take it out, rinse it and use again. You can also leave it in much longer with out having to worry about BS like TSS or leaks or other stupid s**t that is associated with hemorrhaging out your vagina. So no, at least 3 of these which ironically happen to be the top ones you find the most stupid are not retarded at all and regardless of saving money or not, these options just plain make sense.
ReplyI bet these non-embalmers have read "Behind the Formaldehyde Curtain". Do not read that if you intend to have an open-casket funeral. Or to attend one. Or to be aware that they ever take place.
ReplyI'll reuse pants, but I have a tendency to spill stuff on my shirt throughout the day. Although, if it's that time of the month, I'll put on a clean pair of pants everyday because I swear my fanny is trying to recreate that scene from "The Shining."
ReplyStrangely enough, you might want to try sea sponges. I'm not just trying (failing?) to be funny - I know a couple ladies who always had trouble with tampons, but thought sea sponges fit a lot better.
Obviously, this depends on the person...
Did anybody else click the dog hair link and see the feline fur balls at the bottom of the page? o.O
ReplyWe don´t embalm in Mexico, and our laws make us cremate or bury our dead within 24 hours after the decease, so it´s not really necessary. I think this is better for the grieving process, in my opinion. I lived in Europe some years and went to funerals that took place weeks after the person had died and for their families it was like starting the mourning all over again.
I don't get why non-emalming is so ridiculous. I always found open casket funerals creepy and frivolous. Most cultures don't do funerals that way, anyhow.
ReplyI love how there are loads of comments trying to make some point about cloth diapers/nappies.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah- also gross.
Basically, it's better to throw any of the waste that comes out of a person away.
Yes, people "used to" wash them.
People also used to die of infections because germs were a myth. Surgeons used to perform surgery without washing their hands because they were gentlemen and a gentleman's hands are not dirty.
We moved on. Do likewise.
Cloth diapers aren't that bad. They save tons of money and they help potty train most children earlier.
Just because some old-fashioned things were unsanitary doesn't mean everything new is inherently better.
I'm grossed out super easily, but cloth diapers aren't bad to use at all, especially because in my experience, disposable diapers leak more, even the top brands, meaning I'd end up having to wash a lot more poopy clothes when my kid was in disposables-- not fun. You're supposed to put waste from diapers in the toilet anyway (not the diapers themselves, obviously), even with disposables, it's just that people don't, which is kinda gross. There are pros and cons to both types of diapers, and I can't stand judgment coming from either side. Personal preference? Sure. But stating that everyone should do as you would? That's pretty lame.
Wow, I thought the Fisher Investments ad was a part of the 'don't wash your clothes' article. That put my portfolio in on delicate, that's for sure!
ReplyTrololololing the lower middle class. I like it.
ReplyCremation. Stop wasting real estate! Find comfort in the fact your loved ones are not being eaten by worms and bugs.
ReplyYou are just worried that one day the Elder Ones will feed on your corpse.
My step mother has it in her will that we cremate her and use her skull as the urn.
It sounds both incredibly creepy and incredibly bad ass to me.
Hey! Eddie Vedder is NOT filthy!
ReplyIf my dryer lint came out as pretty as the pastel stuff in the top picture, I'd find a way to use it. But, my clothes are all dark so my lint just comes out dark gray.
ReplyI've been tempted to do the pet hair thing, not to save money but as a way to have something of the pet even after they're gone. I had a dog that shed enough we probably could have made a few King sized blankets from her fur, and I have a cat now that isn't much better off. If I thought I could do it myself or could afford to pay someone to do it, I'd have a little something made up. Maybe have it knitted into a little kitty shaped plush or something. It would look just like him! XD
As for the last one, I pretty much plan to do that when I die. I don't want to be buried, period. If I can't have my naked body tossed into the woods somewhere, I'll donate it to one of those corpse farms where they study how the body decomposes under various conditions.
I take pictures of my dogs, and when they die I will keep their tags.
About 5 years after my dog died, I found one of his turds under the porch where he used to hang out. I guess I should've had it bronzed as a memento.
open casket funerals are common enough in USA that it's actually necessary to tell people if embalming is even required by law? In comparison, here only gypsies hold open casket funerals nowadays, dunno about the embalming though, but since the caskets are kept in cold until the funeral my guess is that embalming isn't that common either.
ReplyHaha, yes Apez, we do embalm our dead :D
Actually, the idea of knitting with pet hair sounds kind of cool! My only question is, how do you get past the smell? I mean, you have to wash those dog-hair sweaters sometime, and I don't want my washing machine smelling of wet dog...
ReplyI have some yarn made of husky hair, and it kinda smells like a dog. Depends on whether you like the smell or not, it doesn't really bother me, and it's not a bad smell, but depends on people.
I kinda skimmed through the website it mentions and they say if you get all the oils out of the fur it doesn't smell.
1/7th of my food budget? Well, you obviously forgot to take into account the fact that mondays are caviar and lobster days in my household.
ReplyPlus, if I don't eat monday, how will I make it for the other 6 days that I don't eat anything to finance caviar and lobster days?
You could move caviar and lobster day to Wednesday and not eat Monday. Problem solved.
I had to sleep in an airport once. Worst f*****g experience ever. I was flying from London to New York and had a layover at Atlanta. Atlanta really fucked things up for me and the next available flight was the next morning. I had no American money, my Orange mobile didn't work in the states, and my baggage was all on the plane. My now-husband had taken the day off just to come pick me off and ended up just picking up a bag. I spent the entire night chain smoking with some little old lady and listening to some male workers talk about me because they seemed to think I couldn't speak Spanish.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'd sooner pull out my teeth than do that s**t again just to save money.
Well, if you live in new york and were visiting london, then I'm sorry you experienced such a thing. It sounds terrible, especially that whole having to hang out with a little old spanish lady. They're the third most frightening type of little old lady. The second most frightening are little old gypsy ladies, since they'll put curses on your ass. My brother got cursed by a gypsy when he went to spain the one time. That was a long time ago. He was an a*****e, but he was in good health, he was happy, he had his whole life ahead of him...he actually still has all that stuff, except now he's an a*****e who once got unsuccessfully cursed by a gypsy, which I suppose is worse. Unless she put the new and improved extended release formulation of curse on him and one of these days his manhood will spontaneously shrivel up and fall off or something. Who knows.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot the scariest type of old lady; that would be an old lady with an incontinence problem.
If you live in london and were visiting new york, then screw you you british bastard. We beat you outta our country once, and we'll do it again if we have to! You best go home and drink your silly fancy little tea back on your silly little fancy island before we decide to get revolutionary on your ass. This is 'merica! 'MERICA! Land o' the free, home o' the free-er, o'er the ramp parts we wave them gallantly streamers cause it proves at night that that...er...spang-...that our amber waves were still th-...no, that's not right...what was I tryin' to do here...shit...maybe I was on about them damn rag heads...uh...
WHOOO! FIRE THE RIFLES FOR 'MERICA! YEAH! LOVE FUCKIN' 'MERICA! WHOOOOOOO!!!
Warning - Calamitous attempt at humour detected. ABORT! ABORT!
@Uberpenguin
Who do you think settled America? Idiot.
I'm more disturbed by the hairball jewelry on that same page.
Reply"LINT, m**********r, DO YOU SAVE IT?"
Reply