10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying)
As you may have heard, the economy is bad which means that every single person on Earth instantly became poor. You probably walk to work now and have been forced to pawn all of your Ultimate Fighting trophies.
But when scouring the Web for helpful money-saving tips, we ran across some so mind-bogglingly pointless or repulsive that we refused to believe even one person had actually tried them. The less than helpful tips include...
#10.
Sleep in the Airport
Here's a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you're the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you've long aspired to be?
The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty "accommodations" the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?
Hooker with an entire body of gold.
There's an entire website out there dedicated to letting your "cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage" ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.
Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, Sleepinginairports.net offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.
Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.
#9.
Separate the Two Ply
Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that's with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you're working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.
One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario--which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper--and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!
When they repossess your house, you'll still be swimming in toilet paper.
With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won't have time for that sort of thing because you'll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.
So really it's a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.
#8.
Make Your Own Cat Food
Undoubtedly, you've noticed how close having a cat takes you to the poverty line. Before you brought Fluffer into your life, you were living large in a sweet penthouse apartment and drinking Cristal from the shoes of high class escorts. Now you live in a one bedroom shithole and drink Lysol from your own boot, all because of that cat and its high-priced food. Where do supermarkets get off charging upwards of 70 cents a can?
Cats are assholes.
Well now you can stick it to big cat food by making your own repulsive, meaty sludge at home. Numerous sites offer up recipes and tips for making what amounts to bile-flavored liver and chicken for your special kitty. Imagine the thrill of finely slicing spinach and carrot, parboiling some ground turkey (for a "gravy-like appeal"), vegetable baby food and assorted other fillers, mixing the sludge together with dietary supplements and then serving your cat.
Though we have to admit this works out well for the cat, as you're skipping the factory ingredients that likely include powderized roadkill, fur and the occasional missing homeless dude.
#7.
Don't Eat on Monday
We're about to blow your fucking mind with the simplicity of this idea. Are you ready?
So a big chunk of your budget goes to food, right? Well did you know that if you simply stop eating for one day a week, you'll save one-seventh of your food budget? It's in a book and everything!
The plan is pretty simple: Just look over your schedule for the week and find that one 24 hour period of time you're pretty sure you don't actually need to have any nutrients and are willing to let your body feed off of your liver and some muscle tissue for fuel.
During which time you'll doubtlessly be irritable and feel slightly loopy, so we're suggesting Monday. You'll have just one more reason to give human resources when they ask why you bludgeoned a coworker that day, and you'll be secure in the knowledge that you were too weak to cause serious injury when you did it.
#6.
Wallow in Your Filth
One of the greatest scams ever perpetrated on mankind has clearly been the scam of cleanliness. Honestly, if living in shit was good enough for our cavemen-ancestors what makes us so high and mighty? Just because you wore those clothes outside, got them covered in crotch sweat, farts, burrito juice and angry hobo spittle, doesn't mean they can't hold out for a couple more wearings before firing up the washer.
That's the advice being handed out by visionaries who want to leapfrog steps like washing in cold and using energy efficient appliances, or even hanging your clothes to dry. All of those are going to cost you more than simply not washing them. It's time to push the envelope, people!
The assumption seems to be that your own natural musk and the various filthy substances you come across from day to day aren't so intolerable as to ruin an outfit after a single day's use. And this may very well be the case if you're an exceptionally clean person or, at the other end of the scale, spend a lot of time around hippies.
How do you get a lobster inside of another lobster?
ReplyIve tried Barry White and Issac Hayes
I regret to say that I have tried #9 and #8. #9 was just an error in shopping, and we will never try single ply again. #8 was an attempt to make high protein food for my almost toothless diabetic cat. Burnt out the moter on the blender trying that. And #4 - well, I'll just mention that there is a woman making purses out of persian cat hair for $300-$400 a pop. A client can even send in the hair from his/her own cat for the project. So ... maybe not such a bad idea after all.
ReplyIn the UK and I'm sure many other countries, the coffin is closed for the funeral, and for any other purposes after maybe a day. Coffins are very heavy, airtight, and designed not to let out any disturbing stenches. Having your corpse preserved, just so you can look slightly less dead for a few hours, is ridiculous.
ReplyThey also use make-up, and modern enbalming fluid contains a pinky-red dye, so that when it flows through your tissues you look less like your natural, actually dead state. It's a wonder some of them don't get up and start dancing.
As well as being a ludicrously expensive thing to waste on someone who's dead, all those chemicals f**k up the soil and life in the Earth. It's a big source of pollution, taken all together, and eventually can get into groundwater.
Why bother? Do the dead need vanity? Save the money and spend it on something you enjoy instead. That's what I'd prefer my relatives do, assuming I one day move to the USA and then get rich and die. Which I wasn't planning to do.
Reusable sanitary pads have been used all through history, up until the relatively recent invention of the alternative. It's only a bit of fanny blood, dude. It's not gonna hurt anybody, and it's only recently everyone's been so successfully grossed out about it. This reaction, from a site that laughed at Lysol's original use as a vaginal douce. "Oh, vaginal hygeine, it's so hilarious! Except when it's deadly serious".
My girlfriend swears by reusable pads, but not for any money saving reasons. Those things are hella expensive. Instead, she says that they are far more comfortable, which is certainly important in a garment that will spend a significant amount of time in contact with sensitive bits. I agree with wonka1, you really should take more effort in these articles.
ReplySpeaking as someone who can knit, crochet and spin, I can tell you that making yarn out of dog hair isn't a money saving thing and the hair used is usually cleaned before hand, making it no more unsanitary than the wool (wool is the hair a filthy sheep you know!) that is used in making regular yarn. Most yarn, unless it's 100% cotton or acrylic, is made from the hair of some sort of animal, using the hair of an animal that you own doesn't make it any less sanitary. Also, most people who do it do it because they enjoy spinning yarn and they like a challenge, not because they think it'll save them a lot of money or that there's something wrong with store bought yarn. You should really research your articles better, sometimes you just come across as dense.
ReplyNumber 2. is just uninformed. LOTS of women use vagina cups and sponges because they may get TSS from tampons or actually care about the environment. It's perfectly safe and works just fine.
ReplyLet's see how quickly Ian Fortey changes his mind when he's spending hundreds of dollars a year just to bleed on something and throw it away. Reusable feminine products? YES PLEASE!
I think the most horrific part of all of this is that, if you scroll all the way to the bottom of that clothing-from-dog-hair page, they're actually trying to pimp jewelry from hairballs.
ReplyLemme say that again: JEWELRY FROM HAIRBALLS. Since when is what the cat retched and heaved and finally puked out considered jewelry?? "Oh, look - I just found this piece of semisolid vomit on the floor. Looks like Fluffer just yakked me a new pair of earrings!"
Hey, i plan to rot when i'm dead, not to save money though.
ReplyAnd I would prefer cremating.
I forgot to mention the massive fails that are also "it's gross not to wash your clothes after every single wear" and "embalming should be mandatory." Dear god. This site is usually SO MUCH BETTER. What ever happened to the fact-driven articles presented humorously? This is opinion-based, judgmental, "the world must conform to my standards" drivel.
ReplyCalm down, hippie.
This article is really one of the worst fails I've ever seen from Cracked, which normally does WAY better. I am very disappointed. Not only is "retarded" essentially a slur now (great job, guys, let's bring back "chink" and "wetback" while we're at it) but it's clear this site is run by men who are terrified of menstrual blood. For the love of all that is good and holy in the world, if you did a little more research, you'd realize that reusable pads and pantyliners, whether homemade or purchased online, are insanely popular and only gaining in popularity. They're normal, they're sanitary, they're clean, they've existed for aeons, and they are healthier and more environmentally friendly. Seriously, grow up.
ReplyLet me guess. You use your menstrul blood for painting like that one crazy feminist?
I think he's just not scared of vaginas. In their natural, non-airbrushed, real feminine state. I'm proud of my red wings. Real men should be gulpin' them clots. How grown-up and masculine is it to get all queasy over something ever woman in the Universe gets over by the time she's 13?
The big problem with #3 is that the cost of traveling to Mexico is likely to wipe out any savings you actually gain from the cheaper dentist. If you're going to gamble with your oral health you might as well just look up a local dentistry school and let them work on you for cheap.
ReplyI was thinking about that too!
Making your own cat/dog food actually isn't such a bad idea, if you do the research and make sure they are getting the proper nutrition for their breed. But if you're doing it right, it's not likely to save you money. You'll be spending money on fresh ingredients (mostly meats, in the case of cats) and vitamins. Their diet may be better, but your wallet is going to be thinner than just buying pre-made foods. Presumably the sites that teach you how to make these foods for cheaper than pre-made cat foods are using a lot of unhealthy fillers.
ReplyAs for #1, if you read up on what the embalming chemicals do to the environment, you may want to go ahead and rot anyway. I've been to funeral services where the deceased was cremated and the pictures and presentations of the people were far better than seeing them in the casket (been to a couple of those as well). But on that note, home burials seem to have been the money-saving rage for awhile. And I've also seen tips for things like re-using coffee filters and tea bags, etc. which are supposed to save you the big bucks over time - a couple dozen dollars a year.
...Exactly how many funerals have you attended?
... Why would someone name their cat Fluffer? That's just gross.
ReplyPersonally, I don't wash my clothes after every use. I have my work clothes that I put on at the last possible moment and then take off immediately when I get home. I have a desk job, so there's not much chance for the to get dirty. If I get something on them, I will spot clean. Note that I only do this for myself because my daughter's laundry bill is the equivalent of both mine and my husband's combined.
ReplyAlso, cremation. Like another poster said, I'm going to donate whatever they can use of my deceased self and then cremate the rest.
I'm def going to do #1 when I die, but it's more from an environmental standpoint. I'm going to donate a bunch of organs, and then you can put the rest me in an easily biodegradable bamboo coffin and feed me to the worms. If they let me, you can just chuck me in the ground.
ReplyI actually don't see the point of embalming. Big waste of money so that people can look at a pretty corpse? Freaking waste
ReplyWhat if someones shoots you with a gun that fires turds that you invented, but makes it look like a suicide. 100 years later, police discover that turdgun suicide was actually a murder, clearing your tainted name.
I don't think formaldehyde keeps you pristine that long, SOCOM...
I like the Invest in Silver ad on a page about retarded money-saving schemes.
Reply#6 happens naturally if you don't have running water, which is a horrible money-saving tip all its own. $150 a month for indoor plumbing? What do I look like, a sucker? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go s**t in a box in the icy, icy woods.
ReplyIf your water bill is $150 a month, you SERIOUSLY need real money saving tips.
#8 is actually one of the worst ideas out there, not in terms of cost (though it's usually more expensive) but for the health of the cat. Commercial foods are carefully formulated to meet the nutritional requirements of the cat. Those website recipes and tips out there that can be found for a dime a dozen do not necessarily meet these nutritional requirements. Cats fed home-cooked diets are particularly prone to dying of dilated cardiomyopathy (thanks to taurine deficiencies). Even homecooked diet recipes that are recommended by veterinarians will often be deficient in one or more nutrients. And by 'often,' I mean literally 90% of the time.
ReplyEven when working with a well-designed diet recipe, owners may face unexpected pitfalls. Choosing the choicest cuts of meat for your cat is not always the best idea. Consider that when they eat a mouse, they leave you only the green wobbly bits as a 'gift' on the doorstep - they eat the rest, bones, fur, and all. Different parts of the body contain different proportions of nutrients, and the cuts of meat that seem most appealing to you, simply do not have everything that a cat needs. Cats are obligate carnivores and their digestion and nutritional requirements are completely different from what humans need.
Sure, the idea of rendered roadkill is horrifying, but the stories of euthanized animals from shelters and scraped up roadkill going into pet foods is actually a myth. The animals that are rendered down into protein byproducts that may later be used in pet foods are usually surplus from slaughterhouses, sometimes animals that are rejected as unacceptable for human consumption (unpleasant, but hardly roadkill, and subjected to such high temperatures that any pathogens would be very, very dead). If you think about it, going around on the streets and scraping up roadkill is not exactly a financially efficient way to get meat products to render.
What's worse? Ingredients that are aesthetically unappealing to us, or a cat eating an all-organic all-natural homecooked diet and dying of heart failure?
accidentally posted twice.
This is why I killed my cat years ago. No more worries about poor mr jingles.
#2? I for one, am not grownup here. I am only grown up over there. Right there where I am pointing!
Reply