When a movie is just a series of excuses to beat the shit out of everyone for 90 minutes, that’s called action porn. Jason Statham makes one of these every three months. I think the plot to his last movie was that he got his dick caught in a pile of meat and the only way to get it out was drag racing against the President of Tits.
In 2003, Tony Jaa made Ong Bak and changed the face of action porn forever. It was the kind of movie where a guy would go looking for his village’s missing statue head and accidentally walk through an underground martial arts tournament and then accidentally win it. In one scene, he dumped his leg in oil, lit it on fire, did a 360 off a truck and kicked a guy with it. For you ladies that don’t know anything about finishing moves, that’s like killing a guy so hard that four of his Facebook posts disappear.
I interviewed him during the film’s press tour and I made his translator ask him if that stunt man that he fire-kicked was dead. His tiny people are so tough that in the Thai language, the phrase to ask this is only ONE WORD LONG. Before the interview, Tony Jaa did a demonstration where he kicked a basketball off the top of a stack of stuntmen mid-backflip. I can verify with my own eyes that Tony Jaa is computer generated. Either that or he’s some kind of puppet.
Tom-Yum-Goong: Now With 50 Percent Less Plot
After Ong Bak, Mr. Jaa made Tom-Yum-Goong. Somewhere along the way, he decided that patching action scenes together with plot was a waste of everyone’s time. So if Ong Bak was his Debbie Does Dallas, Tom-Yum-Goong was his Best of Buttholes 17: Six Hours of Butthole Blasting Action!
Actually, most people call Tom-Yum-Goong “Where’s my Goddamn Elephant!?” because every scene is him bursting into a room hoping to find his elephant. And if that fails, plan B is punching fucking everything. I honestly don’t know how they afforded to pay all the stunt actors he annihilated. My theory is that they just shot Tony Jaa up with gamma radiation and followed him with a camera as he rampaged. Tom-Yum-Goong probably means “#59. Reality Show With Lemongrass and Coconut Milk (spicy).”
Ong Bak 2: Karate Karate Karate!
While starring in Ong Bak 2, Tony Jaa directed it himself. Historically, this type of thing has always worked out for the best. When Jean-Claude Van Damme was given creative control of a movie, the first thing he did was cast an extra Jean-Claude Van Damme and call it Double Impact. And no one will soon forget the first movie Steven Segal directed, On Deadly Ground; 67 minutes of which were actually used in Best of Buttholes 17: Six Hours of Butthole Blasting Action!
Ong Bak 2 doesn’t even try for a plot. It makes home videos of me opening an Ewok Village look like tight, meaningful screenplays. Ong Bak 2 is a movie based on a six-year-old’s description of the men tazing him. And it’s… you know, I think it’s awesome?
So Much Action the Director Goes Insane
Tony Jaa’s action scenes take a lot of work to film. Let’s look at the facts: If a scene calls for 60 ninjas, it takes 10 weeks to find them, even if they’re in the same elevator as you. Then you have to teach them all the choreography so they’re not just randomly vanishing or turning into dragons. By the time you’re done, all your camera men are cut in half because that’s how people sharpen their swords in Thailand.
Now the real problem is that every scene in the movie is like that. It goes from insane fight scene to epic war scene like someone stuffed cocaine and focus testing data into a Nintendo until it finished a screenplay. The Persian army would have looked at the call sheet for Ong Bak 2 and said, “Where the fuck are we going to get 1600 archers? And 3800 nunchucks!? That’s got to be like twice the entire world’s nunchuck population.”
This grueling pace apparently took its toll on Tony Jaa, who had to direct, train and kick the shit out of every single able-bodied actor in the country. Luckily, all Thai hospitals have a Tony Jaa wing where they treat victims of Tony Jaa. Unluckily, there is no branch of Thai medicine devoted to treating Tony Jaa himself. So after fighting off dozens of 15th century armies, he had a nervous breakdown and disappeared into the jungle, halting production for months.
Tony Jaa has since debunked this rumor, saying production stopped over some kind of money issue. But I got all this information off the Internet, so I’m going to choose to believe the jungle one. If you all get to believe that Barack Obama’s health care plan is nerve gassing babies then I get to believe Tony Jaa ran into the woods to live with panthers. I… I love him.
A Love Letter to Fighter Nerds
Whatever storyline Ong Bak 2 has is taken from best six seconds of the movie every child wrote while training for his or her yellow belt. Tony Jaa’s character is raised by pirates who teach him every martial art there has ever been. And it comes in handy because Ong Bak 2 adheres to the rule that martial arts are an elaborate version of rock-paper-scissors. For example, Kenjutsu beats rope dart, but rope dart beats Teen Wolf. Which is why I’m now calling that game Kenjutsu-rope dart-Teen Wolf.
Before Tony Jaa, most action porn caters to a very specific type of audience– guys who write in to Maxim to ask how much beer a titty can hold. Ong Bak 2 has any kind of action porn you might be into. The pirates teach Tony Jaa wing chun, Choi Lei Fut, samurai swording, cartwheel, Magic Missile, poetry repair, wax off, death blossom, shoryuken, robot attack and Hung Ga, a style of kung fu started when Jackie Chan went back in time to show ancient monks how to look like they’re shitting their pants. UPDATE: This was not an illusion.
There’s a scene where Tony Jaa gets drunk and kills a village full of slave traders with a combination of drunken boxing and breakdancing. Then later, he fights off one ninja with Muay Boran and another with five-animal kung fu at the same time. One pirate taught him a combination of stage magic and Silat, and another pirate’s martial art was just being the, holy shit, master of hand grenades. If I would have read this paragraph I’m typing right now when I was 10 years old, experts would be baffled at how much semen could come out of one screaming boy. Some of them would probably take samples for testing before we realized there was no such thing as pre-teen semen experts and called the police.
A Series of Boss Fights
I may have mentioned earlier how Tony Jaa doesn’t give a fuck. So when he saw a series of pages in the screenplay that linked one event to another, he crossed them out and scribbled in “Fight Half-Cat/Half-Vampire Lady in a Cave. Check to see if part of her could also be dune buggy.” Then he wrote a memo that said, “Find this screenwriter who loves plot so much, dress him like a sexy peanut, and leave him with the horny elephants.” Another phrase in Thai that only takes one word.
Every time you think something is about to make sense, Tony Jaa is blindsided by some new boss. At one point, he escapes an army by climbing onto an elephant that he earlier punched, only to find a mysterious woman with raven powers. She beats the hell out of him and flies off, never to be seen again. That’s how tired Tony Jaa was when he made this movie– he forgot to introduce, explain or defeat his own boss monsters.
The Ending: What the Fucking Fuck
In its current state, Ong Bak 2 is like 90 minutes of ancient 911 call transcripts played in no particular order. However, it has an American distributor, and may get a theatrical release here anyway. So I shouldn’t spoil the ending.
I can say this, though: The ending is so gay that Phil Collins keeps a workout bag in its mouth. It’s so gay that it’s illegal to finish watching Ong Bak 2 in a public restroom. The ending is so gay that if you wrote it, your father would tell you that he’s proud of you no matter what you choose to be.
With that out of the way, SPOILER: Tony Jaa is beaten unconscious by the second half of the movie’s endless stream of boss fights. It then fades to black and a voice over informs us that if everyone truly believes in their heart, we–the audience–can make his life better. You might remember this from when you and your clapping brought Tinkerbell back to life in Peter Pan. If the 500 guys beating Tony Jaa to death were to put down their weapons and gently apply his lipstick with their penises, it would be a tougher ending. And clear up a few more plot holes.
Supposedly, this ending is a cliffhanger for Ong Bak 3 and not a commercial for moustache condoms. But at the rate at which Tony Jaa is removing the plot from each of his successive films, Ong Bak 3 is just going to be him cliffdiving into a woodchipper while motorcycles jump him. And I will give it another A+.
A+
This entry was posted on Thursday, August 13th, 2009 at 5:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 23rd, 2009 at 5:12 am
[...] Bak 2. You know, the movie that former EGM writer (and now infamous Cracked contributor) Seanbaby called “The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever”. Ninja Theory’s put robots in [...]
October 12th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Tony Jaa’s ‘destroy everyone in the building while ascending the staircase in one camera shot’ is the most fucking awesome thing ever!!
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
sounds like my kind of movie, who needs a plot when there are exploding elephants and flaming 360 back flip watermelon kicks
September 27th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
This is 100% accurate and I am now in love with you. Almost as much as I’m in love with Tony Jaa.
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:04 am
I just saw this last night. This isn’t only incredibly funny, it’s perfectly accurate.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:06 am
“home videos of me opening an Ewok Village ” made me laugh out loud. In work.
..with my boss standing next to me.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Bad Monkey Cung Foo at its worst. Bag of Rocks to the writer as well.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:04 am
check out this martial arts move- we call it the double leg-spread… http://makefunofmyfriends.com/drunk-friends/chris-always-tricks-the-ladies-with-simon-says-spread-your-legs/
September 15th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I believe EVERYTHING in this article. I use Tony Jaa’s screams to fuel my car.
September 11th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
despite the fact that you stop making sense at several points in this review, i love it. thank you.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I have never laughed so hard at a Cracked article in all my time coming here. Thank you for reviewing this amazing movie, this amazing man, this amazing MARTIAL ARTS.
I laughed until I cried. Thank you so much.
September 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am
man this is the best review i’ve come across about this awesome movie! this is the movie martial artist have been waiting, no plot, just bone crushing from beginning to end!!!
tony has borrowed so many elements of chinese WUSHU (i.e. snake, tiger and crane, three sectional staff, rope dart, etc…) into this movie, is just amazing to see it integrated with his own fighting and corepography style.
5 stars from masteringwushu.com!!!
September 6th, 2009 at 2:03 am
dude, you’re so awesome i hate you and want to play video games with you and then kill you, then bring you back to life and watch pride dvd’s, then kill you again.
September 5th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Someone finally dethroned The Last Dragon?
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
This is the greatest article of all time.
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
“This grueling pace apparently took its toll on Tony Jaa, who had to direct, train and kick the shit out of every single able-bodied actor in the country. Luckily, all Thai hospitals have a Tony Jaa wing where they treat victims of Tony Jaa.”
Amazing
August 28th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Found it at a local video store — I want to frame the back-of-the-box description and put it on my freaking wall.
“Tien, (Tony Jaa) is trained in all manner of weird and wonderful martial arts techniques, as well as how to run across the backs of stampeding elephants, make them sit and roll over and other cool stuff. He is even taught how to kill, which according to Chernang is the final step to becoming a great leader. Once Tien has proved his physical and mental prowess, Chernang hands over leadership of the clan, and Tien embarks on his mission to track down Lord Rajasena and beat the crap out of him, and lots of other people too.”
I could not make this kind of thing up.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
tom-yun-goong was released in america its called the protector and i cant believe cracked did not mention the best part of that whole movie which was crazy ninja vs freaking eddie gordo from tekken
August 20th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Lol I loved Ong-Bak!
August 20th, 2009 at 6:55 am
“The problem is, late at night is when Bloodsport comes on. And I was raised right, so I watch Bloodsport every day.”
Holy shit, thought I was the only one raised right.
August 19th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Welcome to join the Millionaire Friends circle: ****MillionaireCupid.org*** where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective!
August 18th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
i really hate to say this, but this might be the first time i have seen a cracked post and after about 30 sec decided tldr
August 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am
This has got to be one of the best posts on Cracked ever.
Seanbaby cam be hit or miss, but this hits like Tony Jaa.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Awesome article…man, I miss your EGM articles too!
I’m surprised how many of your “fans” here didn’t know what you looked like. Also, I’m still waiting for that boxing match against Uwe Boll!
August 16th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
“Find this screenwriter who loves plot so much, dress him like a sexy peanut, and leave him with the horny elephants.” Another phrase in Thai that only takes one word.
This had me rollin!
I think I’m gonna call my next pet Sexy Peanut.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Right here! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ HAWT!
August 16th, 2009 at 12:54 am
“I interviewed him during the film’s press tour and I made his translator ask him if that stunt man that he fire-kicked was dead. His tiny people are so tough that in the Thai language, the phrase to ask this is only ONE WORD LONG. ”
Holy shit, that is one of the best jokes I’ve read in years.
Awesome!
XD
August 15th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
This is absolutely one of the funniest Cracked articles ever. I’m a ridiculous Tony Jaa freak and had a big party to celebrate my pirated subtitled DVD arriving back in April, so I’m biased, but this is great. I’d also like to point out I made the exact same clapping-to-save-Tinkerbell joke at the end of the movie when I saw it. Ooh, Tony Jaa gets me all aflutter!
August 15th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
This article was …………………. zzZZzz…….
blah blah blah - Seanbaby being sexually aroused by some guy (insert Van Damme, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Mu Bai, Ching Chong, whatever reference here) and that guy like punches the world in the uterus or whatever.
Seanbaby does a really good job on articles when he picks a good subject:
Top 10 MMA whatever-the-fuck = awesome.
Seanbaby ranting about WoW/Sims douchefaggery = weak sauce
Comics about penis enlargement = tremendous
Seanbaby complaining about interweb trolls ( :*( ) = pathetic
P.S. ZOMG lollercoaster - Armydillo eats penis pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Seanbaby, I think I love you.
August 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
AAhhhhhhh! ive been waiting for you guys to talk about this movie!
its been my icon for so long now! thanks SB!
August 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Try Tokyo Fist. I found that movie to be even worse.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Also, at this wedding of awsomenessosity, on the back of the Groom’s Man’s suits is your junk airbrushed on with gold dust.
To answer your questions early, yes i am available to plan weddings. To contact me call or text: 1-810-841-6463 . The password is “I’ll let you fuck the bride!”
August 14th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
BTW great article, man. It was as Dongtacular as having that previously stated diamond encrusted caked made like one of those cakes strippers pop out of, but diamonds pop out of it instead of strippers.
~ You make it rain Franklins? I make it rain Diamonds, cyka! ~
August 14th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I’m not sayin this wasn’t a great article - because it was more awsome than having a monkey as your best-man and cutting your diamond encrusted wedding cake with a Lamborghini - but if i remember correctly i remember DOB posting an article earlier today, the 14th, and now it’s gone. It’s not in DOB’s columnists thingy, or back on the frontpage. Are we ignoring the article because it was making fun of that guy from WiD, or are we ignoring DOB all together? You know, because he does things some would call “illegal”, but what others call “Friday Afternoon”.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I literally fell to the floor crying when I was reading this. His movies are the most over the top ridiculous things ever to be filmed. When he mentioned about the flaming kick to the to the guy I remember shouting ” This ain’t fucking Street Fighter and that’s not god damned Fei Long!” These movies are classic.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
wow, seanbaby actually looks like that… i had no idea.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Man I loved Ong Bak…
August 14th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I’m gonna go watch this movie illegally on the internet now… or soon.
August 14th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
lol there is no such thing as pre semen experts. im calling the 5-0
August 14th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
“If I would have read this paragraph I’m typing right now when I was 10 years old, experts would be baffled at how much semen could come out of one screaming boy.”
Golden.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I have seen this movie and i am totally with you on this one.No plot,but fucking kick ass action! A+ indeed.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
huh… I never would have guessed in a million years that Seanbaby looks just like his cartoon. Now I’m wondering if he actually DOES have a rocket cycle. Anyway, funny article. I know what I’m renting tonight now.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:04 am
… the market? Neil Fifer is poking her (it was on TMZ).
My heart is broken!
RACHEL!!!!!!!!!!
August 14th, 2009 at 10:36 am
@Rrrulio
That crazy thai movie that shows soccer skills, gymnastics, and a one legged dude can defeat a band of guerilla soldiers is called “Born to Fight”
August 14th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Easily the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve read on Crack’d in a dog’s age. Your best since “Sims 3 Experiment”. Tony Jaa is considered a god in some countries; I know Cambodians who celebrate Ong Bak 1 like it’s religion. (I… I love him. –rofl!)
August 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
The part that got me was Magic Missile. As long as you have your d4 handy, magic missile will always do damage.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:58 am
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August 14th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Just wait ’till you see Chocolate…
August 14th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I happen to be a lady who owns Ong Bak, so I know all about finishing moves, thank you very much. I performed one on my husband to get him to marry me.
August 14th, 2009 at 3:35 am
At my local Asian film store two months ago, I picked up 2 new movies, “Ip Man” with Donnie Yen and “Ong Bak 2″. Now, guess which one WASN’T fucking awesome? Hint: it was not “Ip Man”, because that WAS fucking awesome.
August 14th, 2009 at 2:59 am
Uhh I have seen this movie and it is Not spectactular.. The fight scenes are sloppy and sometimes far between. Or it my just feel that way with such a boring story line. Im a true martial arts fan, although I dig Donnie yens older work the most. Like “drunken Tai chi”, “Dragon Tiger Gate”, “SEVEN SWORDS” and “Once upon a time in Chine”. And If your looking for Crazy batshit insane then go with Seven Swords!!! So Sick. On the contrary to what I said early I still think you need to see it BECAUSE of the last fight sequence… Absolutely Martial Law.. Just brilliant. It really shows you what tony jaa can do.. So get it and fast foward through 3/4ths of the movie… and start there!!!!
August 14th, 2009 at 2:15 am
oh man… funny shit
August 14th, 2009 at 1:58 am
@Voney: Tony Jaa was not in Born to Fight. But then again, all Asians look alike, don’t they?
Born To Fight was so over the top and badly written, it got boring toward the end imo.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:28 am
goddamn you fucking suck.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Lik Wong (or Riki-O, or Story of Ricky) is much crazier. Hell, Dynamite Warrior (starring Dan Chupong, the MALE actor who plays Ghost Crow in Ong Bak 2) is much crazier. Master of the Flying Guillotine is a bit crazier… There are many, many movies that out-crazy Ong Bak 2.
But Ong Bak 2 is fucking wonderful and I love it so hard. Also, Ghost Crow is going to be explained in the third movie, apparently. And he’s a man, played by Dan Chupong who’s worked with Tony Jaa for a while and is a fucking badass.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
YOU ARE WRONG!!
Ong Bak 2 is not “The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever”, “The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever” is born to fight… also starring Tony Jaa. The entire fucking movie is basically one long fight screne… it’s so insane it has a bit where a guy with one leg flying kicks a carved wooden soccer ball into a trained soldiers face.
Seriously if you think Ong Bak 2 is insane, you really need to see “Born to Fight”
August 13th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
This is great. I’ve been in the mood for a ridiculous over-the-top action movie since the last time I watched the newest Rambo movie. Ong Bak 2 it is.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Do not take your pregnant girlfriend to see this picture because if you do, the fetus will Muay Tai elbow it’s way out the womb and flying kick your head off your fucking body and play soccer with it down the aisle of the movie theater. The last thing you will think when your head goes crashing through the movie screen is, “God DAMN this movie kicks fuckin’ ass!!”
August 13th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
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August 13th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
TylenolPM YOU BROKE THE UNIVERSE
August 13th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
diving into a woodchipper whilst being jumped by bikes >< a fucktonne of awesome
August 13th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
I’d whoop that small Thai guys ass. I’d take both him and Cung Le on. Those two motherfuckers suck. Stockton Motherfucker!
August 13th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Hilarious!
August 13th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Great “Review”…. but really the ending was shit, the story was shit. And he didn’t destroy people with the same “oomph” as in his previous movies. Bah. C at best..
August 13th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Wow. You look exactly like your header. That’s uncanny.
August 13th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I saw the first two of these (although the second had the title The Protector here in the states) and thoroughly enjoyed both of them. You forgot to mention that he uses the bones of a dead elephant to beat the shit out of a boss in The Protector. That was amazing.
I’m going to have to see Ong-Bak 2 post-haste.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
watched this movie a few months back. have to say, everything you mentioned about the plot (or lack there of) is true. still, i pulled a lonely island and jizzed the crap out of my pants during the fight scenes
August 13th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
You actually got me to laugh reading this. Sitting here in the office in front of my monitor, I laughed. Brilliant writing!
… and Tony Jaa just might be the guy to bring me back to liking coreographed fights. Have been an avid fan of MMA for 3 years now, practiced it too for a bit and haven’t watched a wire-fu movie for close to a decade.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
loved this one. thanks for the laughs.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I, for one, love that seanbaby’s articles are about “fighting” because that’s what I’m interested in- it’s nice to read articles that I know a lot about; I know most of his subjects and can go “awww yeah I remember that shit”. I’m a girl that knows what a finishing move is.
I just wish he’d do more stuff on 80s WWF- particularly the top ten promos of Randy Savage. I’d love to read that or something similar.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
one of your funnier articles by far..i will most definitely watch these movies just because of the way you make fun of them
August 13th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I never even read these. They’re always about fighting of some kind. i get that that’s his thing, but all the other columnists do whatever they feel like. Seanbaby does fighting. That’s it. C’mon dude, you have to try to appeal to a broader audience.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Hey, seanbaby: if you dig Tony Jaa, then check THIS out -
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Chocolate/70106732?lnkce=seBsLn&trkid=222336&strkid=2008119217_0_0&strackid=3e76463877863476_0_srl
That link should go to the Netflix page for a movie called “Chocolate.” It’s released by the same studio as Ong-Bak, but instead of Tony Jaa, we get Jeeja Yanin, who is like Tony except shorter and hot. Really hot. You don’t even understand how hot she is, until you watch her KICK A MAN THROUGH AN ICE GRINDER. And like Tony: No wires. The Thai people are just insane.
Seriously, watch this - EVERYONE, watch this. We need to get this chick to keep making movies.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Awesome article.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
fuck yea seanbABy looks like you finally won over the haters in the comments (for now, bwahahahah). anyways, i will watch this movie
August 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Once again– Seanbaby, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about, but you’re so damn enthusiastic! This was hilarious and totally sold me on the movie. Thanks.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Hilarious. Simply hilarious. I’m going to refer my Thai friends to this article.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
as with most Seanbaby columns, I laughed almost non-stop the entire time…
August 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, i can’t stop laughing
so funny 
I watched Ong Bak four or five years ago and remember the entire movie being an endless WTF. Amazing article 
August 13th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
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August 13th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
The mental image of a commercial for moustache condoms has me weeping. This was some funny shit.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Hey, I’m a female and I freakin’ LOVE Tony Jaa (and most Asian Cinema kung fu ass kicking kind of movies. I even liked “The Bodyguard” and the only martial arts in that is about 30 seconds of a random Tony Jaa cameo).
I actually really liked The Protector. Do not come between a boy and his elephant, and don’t eat endangered species or a random Thai guy will kill you. Those are morals for the ages.
I am dying for Ong Bak 2, and I though this review rocked. Thank you Seanbaby for confirming my theory of awesomeness concerning this film. I can’t wait.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
This is probably the only ‘review’ that has actually made me want to purchase a film.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I am also female and love Tony Jaa….. Ong Bak was awesome and Chocolate was even better.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I’m sold. I am going to watch these movies… Right after a find my elephant.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@RDean
I watched it without subs too, and yeah it’s still awesome.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I’m female and I love Tony Jaa. I don’t know what kind of women you people know. Do you know any?
August 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I like the one about the elephant.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Yeah, when I saw the name of this article I was seriously hoping he meant Ong Bak 2, and that crazy summumma-bitch named Tony Jaa. His movies make any martial arts movie filmed in the U.S. just look fucking stupid.
Ong Bak 2 was awesome! It had numerous fighting styles and tons of weapon fighting. That being said, I personally liked Tom Yum Goong - a.k.a. The Protector, a little bit more. It had more of a personal touch, no weapons needed, just Tony molesting everyone who comes between him and his elephant. Like an earlier post mentioned, there is a scene where in a matter of like 3 minutes he breaks about 30 people’s arms and/or legs.
It’s funny that Seanbaby should say that about the Protector, too, cuz when I showed a friend the movie on a device that wouldn’t play the subtitles, I literally told him that any time he sees Tony Jaa talking, he should just say in his head, “Where’s my fucking elephant?!?” or “Give me back my fucking elephant!” or, finally “You fucking killed my fucking elephant you motherfucker!!!” and the movie still makes perfect sense.
Either way, any one who doesn’t enjoy a Tony Jaa movie is either a) female or b) fucking stupid. And Seanbaby, I am supremely jealous that you somehow scored an interview with him!
August 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
NOT AS AWESOME AS KUNG POW: ENTER THE FIST
August 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I fucking knew it would be about this movie. It rules for the record.
As punisher: war zone proved, plot is irrelevant if you shoot a guy doing a backflip off a building with an RPG. that alone was worth the half hour it took to download
August 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Amazing right here
August 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Dude, awesome article! Ong Bak 2 was the most ridiculous action movie I’ve ever seen, and I love it!
August 13th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
By the way, Tony Jaa? If you are reading this, I want to have your babies. Of course, they would probibly punch their way out of my uterus and then jump 10 feet in the air and break the doctor’s neck, but I consider this rist worth the reward of my own flock of mini-ninjas.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
“I believe thats mr gilmores jacket”…..HAHAHAHA LMFAO! Freakin fantastic
August 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Great, great movie. Can’t wait to see it in the big screen. Loved the videogame structure.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
It’s…..it’s….like…no one ever TOLD him…no one ever explained… that backflipping onto an angry elephant and then jumping off while throwing grenades and flying through the explosion VIOLATES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS THEMSELVES.
And…the insanity…this crazy little bundle of flaming death REFUSES TO USE GODDAMN WIRES. So….That’s ACTUALLY HIM JUMPING ONTO A FUCKING ELEPHANT.
While filming “dude, where’s my elephant?” He actually broke one stuntman’s arm in the end scene where he kills like 200 dudes stimultaniously. I’ll link the scene. Watch it, and know that AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE WET CRUNCHING NOISES IS ACTUALLY SHATTERING BONE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPDc7bOK0_s&feature=related
Tony Jaa is like a cross between Bruce Lee and a meat grinder.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Kristel you shut that mouth
August 13th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
This article gave me a serious raging inside-out chick boner. My fondest wish is that Tony Jaa will one day spring forth from my oven brandishing a beautiful bouquet of severed limbs wich he scatters violently over my bed before literally fucking me to death
August 13th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
this was fantastic. i must find these movies. NOW.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Suck it Yarr, ebert is the best! Everyone read his review for Duece Bigalow 2, funniest review by a “legit” critic ever! He is also paralyzed and cant speak but still chruns out awesome reviews. Are you hurt that he gave transformers 2 a half star? For more laughs read his transformers 2 review. I love this website and seanbaby is high-larious, esp the ragdoll mma article.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
wait, new winner…
“I can say this, though: The ending is so gay that Phil Collins keeps a workout bag in its mouth.”
August 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
“If a scene calls for 60 ninjas, it takes 10 weeks to find them, even if they’re in the same elevator as you.”
i think this is the single funniest sentence i’ve ever read.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
It was awesome but it was strange at the same time.
The vampire lady were… uhm.
I enjoyed the first 2/3 of it, but the rest was a major wtf.
why the boss fights? I thouht he maybe adscents to be a thai God or something and punch that wannabe king to new zealand. Nooo.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Seen it. It was pretty crazy. But the first Ong Bak was better. Much better.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
haha “And if that fails, plan B is punching fucking everything.” hilarious
August 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Best review for a movie I’ve ever read, and that includes the one that fat fuck ebert did back in the day.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
And I loved the line about “guys who write into Maxim to ask how much beer a titty can hold.”
August 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
i lol’d
August 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I’ve seen both Ong-Bak and Tom-Yum-Goong (I think it was titled the protector for it US release), and I liked them both. I prefer Ong-Bak because it’s not as over-the-top as The Protector. I’m looking forward to the sequel.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Great. Now I have to go build several churches to Seanbaby. How the hell am I gonna afford this? Well, looks like I’m back to stealing from mom’s purse and pimping the family gerbil.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:38 am
jesus christ. it took me almost 30 minutes to read this through the tears in my eyes
August 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Ong Bak 2 was awesome, i do not care what all you other idiots think. It was the story of a warrior…if you did not get that you are just weak sheep.
I bow to Tony Jaa as a modern day warrior
disagree, well you can sux my massive balls then.
August 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Even more batshit than Ninja Terminator? How can be?
August 13th, 2009 at 11:02 am
A very funny article. Keep up the good work.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:56 am
“If I would have read this paragraph I’m typing right now when I was 10 years old, experts would be baffled at how much semen could come out of one screaming boy. Some of them would probably take samples for testing before we realized there was no such thing as pre-teen semen experts and called the police.”
Everytime I think Seanbaby has written the funniest thing ever…he comes up with shit like the above. Seriously, THIS has to be THE funniest, right?!
August 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Sorry to say it but Siebenstein is right; Ong Bak 2 is widely known to be a disappointment that actually focused more on plot and left the action scenes to the side… seeing as how it was actually directed by the action star, this surprised everyone.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Ong Bak 2 sucked hard compared to Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, it was boring as hell. It was just a series of Flashbacks and Tony Jaa getting the shit kicked out of him. You know, it’s not a good thing for a director to have no sense of pace or storytelling.
Also, good job at reworking Chuck Norris jokes into Tony Jaa jokes. What year is it, 2003?
August 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
This is simultaneously the funniest and awesomist thing I’ve ever read. Thank you seanbaby, oh messenger of god. I must now go see about a couple of movies.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Mr. Larson never actually said, “I believe that’s Mr. Gilmore’s jacket” in Happy Gilmore. The line was, “I believe that’s Mr. Gilmore’s”.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard at a Cracked article. It also did it’s job of making me immediately put these films on my Netflix queue. Hands down the funniest thing I’ve read this year.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Hey Sean Baby. I hope Tony Jaa’s forearm muscles didn’t turn you into a pencil while he had his arm around you.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Thank you for this article. It sure made my morning. Very funny.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:17 am
You know, as a connoisseur of dick jokes and list based humor, I have been rabidly reading cracked for the last couple of years. But it always felt like something is missing… and that references to my favorite past time, martial arts. With Seanbaby here Cracked is now the perfect website.
Oh, and Tony Jaa is my favorite action movie star, the last half hour of Tom Yum Goong where he beats the shit out of everyone in a ten mile radius made me cry with joy from all the emitting badassery.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:07 am
WHERE’S MY FEKKIN ELEPHANT?!?!?
Excellent films, nice to see the feature
August 13th, 2009 at 9:05 am
damnit sean baby, you did it again.
“that’s like killing a guy so hard that four of his Facebook posts disappear.”
August 13th, 2009 at 8:38 am
omfg, you interviewed Tony Jaa and survived? holy shit Seanbaby!!!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 8:10 am
A friend and I were just talking about the Protector last weekend, specifically two scenes. There was the one scene where some guy who probably shoots steriods into his scrotum while donkey punching his girlfriend, Ted, threw a baby Elephant. A freaking baby elephant!
The other scene was the famous “I’m going to beat everyone in the entire building because I’m missing my elephant” scene.
Priceless
Seanbaby, I can’t thank you enough for even wanting to discuss Tony Jaa, his movie made my balls drop…again.
This article, just like the rest of your stuff, ruled.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:38 am
congratulations seanbaby, you single handely increased the torrent traffic of thailand by 5000%
August 13th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@
Says
Because most of his films are made by hacks. Jason Stratham is a talented bad-ass in his own right, but so far the only real movie I’v seen him in was the Bank Job and Revolver. All his other shit reminds me of those wacky Joel Silver-produced movies with DMX and Jet Li.
The ones with the MTV-style editing and generic rap music.
‘cept for Unleashed. That one had a RZA soundtrack.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I second Valdearg’s post, that sentence was the epitome of hilarity….but then this bit was even funnier:
“If I would have read this paragraph I’m typing right now when I was 10 years old, experts would be baffled at how much semen could come out of one screaming boy. Some of them would probably take samples for testing before we realized there was no such thing as pre-teen semen experts and called the police.”
August 13th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I don’t always give a shit about the subject matter of your articles, but your writing style is fucking awesome.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I hate subtitles but by the sounds of things I can just turn them off and it won’t have any effect on my viewing pleasure. Thanks SB!
August 13th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I’ve read Cracked for years and never laughed so hard EVER. I literally had to stop because I was in tears. Thanks Seanbaby!
August 13th, 2009 at 7:26 am
The Ong Bak DVD has a great trailer. It’s RZA from the Wu Tang clan hanging out on a street corner with his boys. Then they show a crazy clip from Ong Bak. Cut to RZA and his boys, reacting with screams. Another clip. Another shot of RZA and the boys going OOOOH! And the whole thing a few more times.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:26 am
awesome post, was rofling the whole time
August 13th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Ong-Bak and Protector are 2 of my favorite movies. Can’t wait to see Ong-Bak 2.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I like Jason Statham. Why you gotta be hating on Jason Statham?
August 13th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I first saw Ong Bak on Video from one of those “alternative” video stores where the gay/lesbian section is actually a converted fucking aircraft hangar, the guy behind the counter always wore thick rimmed glasses, a beret and a black turtle neck sweater, and the background music they constantly played was some kind of fucked up metallic screeching noises that I imagine could only be caused by battleships having angry sex with each other.
It took me 2 weeks of searching to find a copy of this film and I desereve a congressional medal of fucking honour for the amount of hairy armpit diesel dykes I had to avoid while navigating the store successfully and coming out alive.
My point is, the film was un-fucking believable. It took me over an hour to watch the first 20 minutes or so. I just had to stop, rewind and repeat every damn scene so my brain could process the amount of awesome. I also had to keep checking to see if there were wires or CGI or something that could so comprehensibly ass fuck the laws of physics, and there was not.
Go see it, steal it if you have to, it’s totally worth watching. and while you’re at it check out one called “The Protector”, for some even more hardcore shit.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I just grew 4 beards simply by reading this, I can’t even imagine what would happen if I watched Ong Bak 2…
August 13th, 2009 at 7:05 am
“If you all get to believe that Barack Obama’s health care plan is nerve gassing babies then I get to believe Tony Jaa ran into the woods to live with panthers. I… I love him.”
Best… Sentence… Ever.. One of the first times I’ve actually lost it and laughed out loud in the office.. Now everyone thinks I’m nuts..
August 13th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I absolutely love tony jaa, he doesn’t make enough movies for me.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:59 am
sorry for double post, but this is the next dope Thai action orgy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejM7ZCEzs5A
looks like watching the whole movie will make your body explode from pure action goodness.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Now this, THIS pleases Crom. In Valhalla, Tony Jaa movies are projected onto the seething backs of broken enemies as they are driven constantly before us…in HD, motherfuckers.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:57 am
I have seen Ong Bak 2 and it is more awesome than anything. I really hope they finish the movie with Ong Bak 3. the ending in 2 was awesome, but weak because he stopped killing people.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:53 am
I’m pretty sure that if you watch all of his movies in a row and never blink, you will actually implode from the pure awesomeness that is Tony Jaa.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I loved that scene in The Protector when not only did he beat down every single thug in that building, but every passing waiter holding a tray, every businessman that happened to walk by, a guy taking a piss in the restroom, I think he even walked into the kitchen and elbowed the poor chef on top of the head. Threw him sideways into a the corner of the metal table. All of this was filmed in one continuous take.
You don’t fuck with a man’s elephant. Entire communities get beaten to a pulp.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Tony Jaa is the sickest martial artist I’v ever fucking seen. Pound for Pound.
I bootlegged this movie a few months back (bittorrent) and I can’t stop watching the shit, even if the English subtitles aren’t there. All you need is the fight scenes.
This is the movie that teaching my 3 year old son how to leave me bruised and battered with lethal Muay Boran elbow and knee combinations. Makes me proud that my little boy wants to learn to kick some fuckin’ ass on the level of Tony Jaa.
Too bad that that Muay Boran was considered so deadly, that it evolved into the more socially acceptable Muay Thai. Now thanks to Tony, all you have to do is rewind it and slow it down.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:36 am
“Tom-Yum-Goong” was released/butchered in the U.S. as “The Protector”, and is famous in my own mind for a four-minute epic fight scene where Tona Jaa basically destroys every thug in a building _in one continuous camera shot_. Everyone should do themselves a favor and search for “best unedited fight scene” on YouTube.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Dongtacular. Dugg.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:29 am
You can see the entire movie with english dubs on YouTube. And my god is it awesome!
August 13th, 2009 at 6:28 am
I actually just watched this movie the other day, and yes I co-sign everything you said
Its like, he ATTEMPTS to create a plot, but somewhere along the way the 1,800 million ninjas that he kills you just forget that there’s a point to all the madness.
But you gotta love how finally after the 1-Man Genocide Machine that is Tony-Jaa is finally slowed down, he throws in a giant Twist to make you go “Oh Yea there IS a plot in this movie, WTF”. Great movie tho
August 13th, 2009 at 6:27 am
The good stuff in Cracked is basically comprised of seanbaby’s martial arts articles and swaim’s videos
August 13th, 2009 at 6:26 am
The movie with all of the elephants (and it’s the most elephant-happy movie since Dumbo,) is called The Protector here in the states. And like Mr. Baby implies, it is erection-formingly violent.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I applaud thee heartily Seanbaby! Tony Jaa is the past, present and future of martial arts movies, I demand everyone watch Ong Bak, Ong Bak 2 and The Warrior King immediately!
August 13th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Oh and this other Thai movie called chocolate.
The story of an autistic girl beating up dozens of people because they own her mother 100 bucks. ( 5000 bahts actually which is like 150 usd )
August 13th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I live in Thailand, saw it a while ago.
I need to remember the title of the thai movie where a bunch of sports teacher defeats a gang of terrorist who plan to launch a nuclear warhead on bangkok : the soccer teacher fights with soccer moves and a ball, the gymnast does gym tricks before she kicks people in the nuts ect…
There is a lot of insane thai movies, a new one every month.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Tony Jaa is a Bad Ass Mutha Funker. That’s all I can say about that.
SeanBaby is Fucking Insane, and therefore, hilarious.
See you next Thursday, Space Cowboy.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I call it a total shit in the name of martial arts.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Interesting. If it comes out in cinemas I will have to watch this.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:30 am
i’ve never laughed so much reading anything the way i just laughed
August 13th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Tony Jaa is badass as fuck. Can’t wait to see this movie.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Ong Bak is probably my favorite movie of all time. Half the moment are holy shit moments, and the other half will make you’re piss radioactive. I didn’t even know about the other two movies, and now my lifes mission is to see them.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:26 am
That was hilarious, thanks… and I have to go see these movies. Pants optional.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Dick folley
August 13th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Also, you actually RL look like your own banner toon?! That, sir, is breaking the rules of the internet. You may, however, call me anytime for like drinks or whatever.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Tom Yum Goong is like thai sweet & sour soup with shrimp in it.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Soo…. you didn’t embed any youtube clips / trailers and no promotional flash games? I have to find them myself?! But I’m tiiiiired
August 13th, 2009 at 5:19 am
First!
August 13th, 2009 at 5:15 am
MOTHERCUNTINGINSANE