There’s a semi-obscure Russian religious text called The Way of The Pilgrim that suggests one can achieve a state of grace by incessantly reciting the Jesus Prayer mentally until it becomes so intrinsic that it automatically repeats itself with every heartbeat. I thought this was a beautiful, simple and brilliant idea: It’s like brainwashing your own soul into goodness. I decided to give the concept a shot myself, but the thing is - I don’t really want to be filled with grace. Considering my moral character, grace just seems inappropriate. So instead of the Jesus Prayer, I am incessantly repeating a line from Conan the Barbarian in the hopes that it will ultimately infuse my soul with his warrior spirit. With every heartbeat, I am going to mentally repeat the barbarian’s answer to the greatest question in existence: “What is best in life?” To which Conan answers, “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.”
***
Even the greatest tales start small…
I woke up like I usually do: sticky, frustrated and unconsciously suckling at a bottle of Beefeaters like it was the sour teat of some great alcoholic mother-goddess. I rolled out of bed and, again as usual, cried for 15 minutes out of regret for the previous night’s mistakes. But eventually I sobered up (that’s just a turn of phrase, mind you) and remembered my new goal in life. I straightened myself with a Sisyphean effort and gazed into the mirror.
“CONAN!” I bellowed, “WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” came an unexpected answer from the living room. I did not recall anybody else in the house offhand; a typical night often ends with any friends I may have made either fleeing in terror and disgust or, if all goes well, simply under arrest. This warranted investigation.
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you,” I continued more softly, padding across the blood-stained carpet of the hallway (that’s no big deal, by the way, I just like to do my bleeding in the hallway), “and to hear the lamentation of their women.”
When I stepped into the living room, I couldn’t help but notice that Bill Pullman was suspended from my ceiling.
I swear to god, it was actually Bill Pullman. I closed my eyes and counted to 10 under the assumption that this was simply another of my many waking nightmares, but he would not dissipate. He hung from the ceiling by virtue of some elaborate contraption that must have been installed overnight. It looked like equal parts examination table and torture rack, and he was strapped to its upper-most base by what looked like a pair of Darth Vader’s ski-boots. His face was purple and flushed with blood; it was apparent he had been inverted for some time. A single bead of sweat rolled down his neck and traced the contours of his jawline.
“Bill Pullman?” I ventured hesitantly, not wanting to antagonize a potentially furious hallucination.
His eyes snapped open. They were so bloodshot that you could actually see the bulge of the veins in his eyeballs.
“Fucking PAXTON,” he screeched, heaving himself upward to the ceiling with virtually no effort, “I’m fucking Bill motherfucking Paxton, fucker.”
The snaps on his boots released, and he half-somersaulted to the ground below without a sound. He moved like a ninja in an action movie–it was all just too streamlined to be real. The blood was rapidly draining from his head now that he was upright, and as it filtered down through his torso you could actually see every single artery filling like an intricate network of tiny snakes digesting.
“You look a lot… uh… less crazy on TV.”
“Why are you on my ceiling, Bill Paxton?” I asked what I thought to be a reasonable question.
“This is how I sleep, fuckin’ fuckknocker! The single greatest flaw in human existence is the horizontal sleeping position. It reduces bloodflow to the brain and starves the blood cells of oxygen. Every single night that I sleep like this, I gain two IQ points. When last measured, I had an IQ of 735. I fuckin’ invented yogurt, you bag of fucks.”
I began to shrink back timidly, but reminded myself of my new mantra.
“Conan!” I told him matter-of-factly, “what is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.”
“What are you, some of kind of fuckin’ retard? Why do you keep saying that?” He began edging toward the kitchen, as if to flee. Easily the best part of my life so far was finding Bill Paxton hung in my living room, and so, anxious to please him, I decided to stop speaking the phrase aloud.
Pictured: Bill Paxton being unsure of your level of retardation.
Conanwhatisbestinlife, I thought to myself, even as I reassured Bill Paxton that I was not, in fact, an “asstard from fucktown” as he kept insisting. I needed a lie quickly. I explained that I was part of an experimental prog-rock band that covered movie dialogue instead of songs.
“What’s this band of fucks called?” he inquired, seemingly set at ease.
“The… Soundtrackers?” I regretted it immediately.
“That’s a name stupider than shit on a fuck,” he laughed at me. I simply could not believe how much he swore; he always struck me as such a gentlemen. He could clearly see me pondering this.
“It’s the upside down sleeping, fuckfart. It stimulates the intellect, but also inflames the part of the brain responsible for cursing and aggression. I’m so fuckin’ smart I’m like Einstein reaming Tesla in the asshole, but I swear like a shitting sailor with Tourette’s and I fuckin’ kill dudes like you pick up the morning paper.”
As if to drive his point home, he suddenly karate-kicked my refrigerator. It rocked gently, the soft jingle of glass bottles clanking together echoed from inside. We stood in silence for an awkward moment.
“Fuckbuckets,” he whispered.
***
To live in the heat of battle is to live without regret.
We climbed into my weather-beaten Kia and drove off into the blinding sunlight. I still had to work, after all, and the last time I left Bill Paxton alone in my house he apparently installed a genius-swing in my living room, so I wasn’t content to leave him unattended again. He sung along to Kansas’s Carry on Wayward Son, replacing every single word with some variation of “fuck.”
“Fuckin’ fuck my fucko fuu-uuuck” sang Bill Paxton. “Fuck you fuck fuck motherfuu-uuuck.”
I was oddly serene. Normally I would have been intensely worried about bringing a hyper-aggressive celebrity supermind to my workplace without notice, but I was having difficulty framing any concrete thoughts while repeating my mantra.
LamentationoftheirwomenConanwhatisbest.
We pulled into the parking lot a full two hours late for work. Bill Paxton was rabbit punching my glove-box as I talked to the parking lot security guard.
“He needs not a visitor pass,” I informed the guard, puffing my chest out, “this is the Paxton and he goes where he will.”
My speech patterns were getting bizarre. I made a mental note to research potential side-effects of brainwashing, and was marginally surprised to find myself clutching the poor man’s necktie as I knelt on his back. I’m not sure when I had brought him to the ground, but I was sure that I started screaming quickly afterward.
***
The warrior does not question, does not ponder, does not pontificate. The warrior simply does.
As we entered the building, a small, balding man refused to hold the elevator for us, so Bill Paxton and I raced up the stairs instead. We were waiting for him when the doors opened on the 14th floor. Bill Paxton took him high with a clothesline, as I went low and slide-kicked his knees out. His briefcase exploded when he went down. A sheaf of papers, a laptop computer and a saran-wrapped croissant flew out like shrapnel from a Business Casual Grenade. Bill Paxton instantly regretted it. He remorsefully offered the man a hand up while I held my arms in the air and roared.
“What some call misfortune, others call adventure,” Paxton reassured the man. “The Chinese have a word that means both tragedy and opportunity. Suckfuckers fuck sucks.”
Pictured: Bill Paxton generally being a frenzied man-monster.
I could not tell offhand if the man was consoled as he sprinted toward the fire exit.
“Come, Paxton. Let us take the office,” I suggested. The edges of my vision were going slightly red, as though dimmed by a curtain of blood.
Crushyourenemiesandseethemdriven.
“Why do you ride with me, Paxton?” I asked him as we strode manfully down the hallway to my offices.
“Are you asking why I’m here, fucker-ass? You talk like a fuck with a shit on his cock.” He seemed to mull over my question for a moment.
“Last night you saved my fuckin’ dick from getting arrested. Two Belgian guys called the cops on me after I took a shit on their nachos. You somehow convinced them that I was the President of Canada and that chip-shitting was the highest honor one could bestow on foreign dignitaries. You really stuck your neck out for me, man. I guess I’m just gratefuckingful.”
Bill Paxton wiped the beginning of a tear from his eye.
“Cry not, Paxton. There will be time for tears when we feast on the carcasses of the gods,” I pushed open the glass doors to the office just slightly too hard. They shattered as they rebounded off the walls.
“Lament, women! Rejoice, men! We have come!” I roared.
“Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-” Paxton hummed under his breath.
***
With an arterial spray of blood his presence was announced!
I was having a hard time concentrating on the PowerPoint Presentation, so I decided to alternately pinch and hiss at the man beside me. I glowered at him, daring him to cry out. He was quietly sobbing when the lights came back on.
I noticed that at some point during the report, I had apparently stripped to the waist and drawn primitive glyphs across my torso with a highlighter. Somewhere along the line I had also lost Bill Paxton. That would probably have repercussions later.
A man I dimly recognized as my boss was summoning me forward. It seemed that I had some sort of responsibility here–a report I was to present, an argument to proffer–I had no idea, nor did I exceptionally care. I stood up abruptly and began tearing at my chair as my coworkers stared in confusion. Somewhere, there was the sound of glass breaking. Somewhere, there was a muffled shout. The sound of footsteps was growing louder, and a distant alarm sounded.
Bestinlifetocrush.
AND DEATH! O, DEATH WALKS THESE HALLS!
With a few great heaves and wrenches, I finally managed to pull the steel spine of my chair free and quickly wrapped the base of it in cloth. I wielded it in both hands like a makeshift broadsword, steeled myself for battle and charged the water cooler with a barbaric yawp. The women cried out and the men cowered as I thundered across the room and, with a single blow, murdered their Totem King of Gossip. At the precise moment I struck the deathblow, the window facing the main room bubbled up like a great blistering pustule, and burst in a shower of flames and glass.
Looking through the shattered pane, I realized that at some point the other room had apparently turned into the Fifth Circle of Hell.
“BILL PULLMAN JUST BUILT A FLAMETHROWER OUT OF THE COPY MACHINE AND HE’S BURNING EVERYTHING!” Screamed a mousy woman. Her top was torn dramatically right at the bust-line, and her hair was faintly smoking.
“What’s this? Oh, looks like this report here says that you are going to be my sexy war-valkyrie.”
Seized in a battle-frenzy, I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her alongside me. I felt her struggle briefly, but she quickly relented and fell into me, overwhelmed by the power of this savage office barbarian with his IKEA ChairSword and Highlighter Tattoos.
“IT’S FUCKSTAINING PAXTON,” Bill screamed after the woman from the doorway. “CHRIST ON AN ASS I AM SO BILL PAXTON AS FUCK!”
There was frenzy in Bill Paxton’s eyes, and sweat poured down his neck as he pulled the trigger on his weapon again and the flames roared around him. A manic laugh percolated in my gut, flowed through my chest and poured out from my lips. I mounted the conference table with my wench, held my Chairsword aloft and rejoiced in the heat of the flames. I knew these were but the birth-throes of my new kingdom emerging into life.
***
Her bosom heaved, her fury surged, she sat beside her king and glowed with rage.
I woke up suddenly to the comfortingly pedestrian sounds of the morning news. Oh, thank Christ! It was all a fever dream, probably brought on by the two bottles of Aftershock I had poured into a vaporizer and inhaled from an embossed foil balloon with the words “Happy Retirement, Martin” written in gold leaf across the front. Maybe I should tone some shit down, I thought as I roused myself and headed for the bathroom. I was suddenly brought up short, and felt a sharp pain in my wrist. I realized that I was not in my own bed, nor was I alone. My coworkers–bruised, beaten and burned–were standing over me.
“Oh look, Brockway’s ruined everything again. Is it Wednesday already?”
“I just had the weirdest dream,” I informed them, “and you were there! And you were there! And you were there! And why am I chained to this radiator?”
“Is he out of it now?” I heard a voice mumble.
“Bill Paxton’s agent said there was some sort of gas leak that caused temporary madness,” offered another.
“I guess it’s worn off,” the first voice suggested. “Should we let him go?”
“I suppose. Janine, get the keys would you?”
A familiar looking mousy woman with a conveniently breast-exposing tear in her blouse leaned down to uncuff one of my hands. I smiled at her pleasingly. She bent across me again to undo the other, and I caught a whiff of her perfume as her face passed close to mine.
“Conan,” I whispered to her as my blood began to burn, “what is best in life?”
This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Celebrities, Crazy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 14th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
This is still, quite possibly, my favorite Brockway article. <3
November 10th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I think my third testicle dropped.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
This is perhaps the greatest literary work in all of human history.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:24 pm
“I AM SO BILL PAXTON AS FUCK!” Brilliant.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Brockway, I swear to god you just made me wet.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Brockway, I want you. Inside me.
September 15th, 2009 at 6:19 am
I can’t express how awesome this was…
September 14th, 2009 at 7:44 am
asstard from fucktown. brilliant. my palms just started sweating.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I had better not try this for I work with tools that are potentially more deadly than the back of an office chair.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Now, see, THIS is what the Internet is for.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I have an office job, i surf the internet reading articles ALL DAY ERRRRRRRRRRRR DAY. This is the SINGLE FUCKING GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:24 am
This article is best in life. Fucking fuck shucks hilarious. I want Bill Paxton as my tag team wrestling partner.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Ah, I see someone else has already mentioned Genghis.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Dude, I’ve become a fan. This was quite the lark. Conan was apparently a Genghis Khan fan. Old Genghis originated that quote. He was a pretty decent barbarian himself
September 9th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Mr. Brockway
You are a gentleman and a scholar.
and also bamfy as fuck.
just thought you should know
fantastic story,
justin
September 9th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I just FUCK started to use SHITBOX Bill Paxton’s sleeping method FUUUUCCCKKKK using nothing but skis, JESUS CHRIST SHIT ski boots and crazy glue. So far FUCK FUCK FUCK I have see no effects. FUCK H CHRIST I INVENTED GOGURT BITCH CUNT.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I can’t believe it took so many comments before someone mentioned Genghis Khan. I believe he thought that the second-best thing in life is Twinkies.
September 4th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Bill Pull- I mean Paxton… I just watched Aliens (that’s Alien 2 - easily one of the coolest outer space sci-fi movies ever made) and Bill Paxton’s in it. Of course, he plays the weasely annoying soldier that you pray dies first (he doesn’t). He seemed to be typecast into that extremely annoying cocky-but-pussy role for a long time. But to be fair, I think he had more lines in Aliens than anyone but sigourney weaver. So maybe sleeping upside down works…
September 4th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Fucking excellent.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
What the fuck Brockway. This is hillarious, in a “I’m not sure if I want to meet Brockway anymore” kind of way.
Classic.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:19 am
Oh dude that was just so b r i l l i a n t!! So so so brilliant!!
*Is it just me or can anyone else see this being a potential Monty Python movie?
September 1st, 2009 at 6:00 pm
this is the greatest anything in the history of everything.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Dude, one of the funniest posts ever, I laughed all the way through.
Keep up the good work.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Holy. Fucking. Shit. That was beautiful. I’m gonna try this.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I salute you sir!
August 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
OMG! That was the stupidest, funniest bit I have read in a great while. I was crying! My co-workers think I’m having a stroke.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Everyday I sit at work and long for something like this to happen, for my blouse to be ripped conveniently, and then finally to become a battle-wench.
One day….
August 21st, 2009 at 2:25 am
[...] Permalink | Responder ¿Qué pasaría si te autolavases el cerebro murmurando frases de Conan? The Way of the Barbarian [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
[...] Robert Brockway is probably my favorite of their staff writers. He put together an article called The Way of the Barbarian: Infusing Your Spiritual Life With Conan, and I’ve been asking myself “Conan, what is best in life?” ever since I read [...]
August 19th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
[...] of CONAN. Before I knew it, I was an enraged killing machine and a womanizer. All by reading this cracked.com article. So as I approached the gates of the fan club, I bellowed out in rage. "MY BROTHERS, [...]
August 19th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Welcome to join the Millionaire Friends circle: ****MillionaireCupid.org*** where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective!
August 19th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
“Conan,what is best in life?” By Krom this my new religion!
Bill Paxton is the son of the God Of Steel, fire, and BLOOD
August 19th, 2009 at 5:57 am
This is what would’ve happened if Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas had featured the Cracked staff.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
best article ever. the swearing from bill paxton was so creative and hilarious I orgasmed at “IT’S FUCKSTAINING PAXTON,” Bill screamed after the woman from the doorway. “CHRIST ON AN ASS I AM SO BILL PAXTON AS FUCK!”
August 18th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Due to my Big Love fetish, as well as my love of Conan, I found this story to be outfuckingstandingly funny. It went in a direction I did not expect when I first began to peruse it. Especially because I was ready to be like “WTF! THAT’S BILL PAXTON NOT BILL PULLMAN” as you suckered me into your little fantasy.
Thank you.
You have made my day have 30% less suck in it. Pat yourself on the back. Or wherever.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:14 am
That was so funny I pee’d a little.
August 17th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Excellent. Simply excellent.
August 17th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Brockway has done it again! One of the dongtaculariest articles on Cracked ever!
*Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu* will be my tune of the week!
August 17th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Shit on a fuck!
August 16th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Conan is a pussy when compared to the MIGHT of Captain America! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ B’bye Conad!
August 16th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
“that name is stupider than shit on a fuck”
Brilliant.
August 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
If HST had an office job…
August 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
im not quite so sure as to why, but paxton made me laugh harder than a fuckstain on the fuckin belly of a wildefucknbeast. fuck.
August 16th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Woa, that was epic. Loved it.
August 15th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
sugardaddylove.com^-^
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It is an absolutely extramarital relationship,
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August 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
cool story bro
August 15th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
This article would have been 100% ice if it didn’t have Bill Paxton.
Also, I have to shave again, cuz this article made me grow a three foot long beard.
August 15th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Brockway. Have my babies.
Also, re-read this article while listening to Van Halen’s “On Fire”. Then proceed to rape, pillage, and generally murderfy every thing in sight.
This is what REAL MEN do.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
oh my god lol hahahahah i love the very very end
August 14th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I loved the first paragraph, then it was just fuckfuckfuckshitcockbillpaxton.
If you only read the first paragraph, awesome article.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
I’m English so not quite sure who bill paxton or pulllman is but dontactularist article eva!!!!!!!!! and just so fuking epic, please do a follow up, with more pillaging
August 14th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Great stuff, i’ve had that mantra running through my head for the past two days now. People do tend to look at you oddly when you say it aloud though.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I think I just hit puberty again. This is all that is man, in text form. My laptop wreaks of testosterone now.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!That was so great, best article of the month!
I’m going to celebrate your Awesomefuckgreatedness by poking and hissing at everyone I work with.
Hah ahahahahahahahaFuck! ha hahahah
August 14th, 2009 at 3:55 am
God bless you, Brockway. And God bless Bill Paxton.
August 14th, 2009 at 3:21 am
My penis just grew 3 inches from reading this. I now have the rage and desire to kill everyone man in the world and then copulate with all the women.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I am crying right now. That was fucking hilarious.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Wolfhound kicks this movies ass!!! Russian conan movie-and the princesses aren’t a bunch of sluts
August 13th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
This makes me fall to my weak woman’s knees and lament!
Outstanding, Mr. Brockway!
August 13th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I am now genuinely frightened of Bill Paxton. I do not like to picture his veins inflating with bloodflow, thank you very much.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Hello everyone,
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The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
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August 13th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
l . . . l love you.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
This was somewhat amusing. Who are these people that sometimes jump in here and say something to the effect of “This is the single funniest thing I have ever read!”? I mean … are you people living under fucking rocks? You seriously think this is the funniest thing you’ve ever read? I feel bad for you.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Please take me to this gas leak!
August 13th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Frank Frazetta, H.P. Lovecraft, and Clark Ashton Smith did this shit forty years ago. Where you been??
August 13th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
wasman shut the fucking shitty fucking up you cock munch turd burglar vaginatits cunttwatwaffle saggystallionscrotum fuckshitcuntwhorefagballsmcgaygay wop tarts fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
August 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
That was a crazy story. Nice Conan asswork… I mean artwork.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
A barbaric yawp. You are my favorite Cracked writer ever.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Man!
August 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
A bit too much cursing maybe? Still really really funny though.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Brockway, I love you. That article completed my fucking shit on a dick of a fucksticking life
August 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
This was the single funniest thing I have ever read in my entire existence.
Crom, suck a fuck you fuckin dick fucker. Fuuuuuuck… mother fuuuu’uuuck
August 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Holy Jesus fucking Christ assraping Kulan Gath. This article was 20 motherfucking dicks out of 10 motherfucking dicks
August 13th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Fucking amazing. Grade A work.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Holy fucked up motherfuckin’ ass shit cunt insert-curse-of-preference-here!!
This was hilarious at too many levels!!
Brockway, you have made me a happy man today!
August 13th, 2009 at 7:38 am
This article would be a lot manlier if it was sprinkled with actual Robert E. Howard quotes rather than based on the film. Manly as it is, Milius’ Conan is a girly eunuch compared to REH’s masculine icon.
Still, at least there Frazetta and Kelly illustrations, which are naturally awesome.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Bill Paxton is so manly that he have 3 wives. He Frocks!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Yes! YES!
BY ALL THE GODS IN VALHALLA, YES!
LET US BURN THE HOUSES OF MERCHANTS AND NOBLES! LET US RAZE THEIR LANDS AND SALT THEIR CROPS! LET US REMIND THESE SMALL, TIMID, MINCING MOCKERIES OF MANKIND WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE! BY SWORD, WE SHALL TEACH THEM, BY AXE, WE SHALL REMIND THEM, AND BY BLOOD, WE SHALL FINISH THEM!
RAAAAAAAAAAAGH
August 13th, 2009 at 6:42 am
This post does not please me. It wreaks of desperation and its words make shrill sounds in my ears like two man servants copulating violently in the Stygian blackness. The only lamentations to be heard are from readers crying in morning for time laid to waste amongst poorly penned words.
No. None of this is pleasing to Crom.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Infuckingcredible. I am at work, and you have inspired me to fill the office with the blood of the innocent.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Despite the awesome artwork that was just too shithouse to read. I tried, I really did but the first paragraph turned me off like a fat sweaty black stripper.
Total and epic FAIL at the “maniliest” article ever.
I get the feeling gaystone ina tutu would be manlier than this.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:36 am
BY CROM!!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I’m not sure about that!! All my hot and sincere friends on ____Tallconnect.com___ are talking about this!! BTW, it’s the place where hot models and sex y young men;and handsome folks with sensu al chick s meet and mingle! You may wanna check it out!LOL
August 13th, 2009 at 4:13 am
That was dongtastic.
No, wait, that was fucking fucktastic!
August 13th, 2009 at 3:03 am
For once, an article worthy of my approval.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:58 am
I’d really like to know what Bill Paxton would think of this…
August 13th, 2009 at 2:14 am
“The Wizardd”
August 13th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating
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you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible
stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Oh Brockway. I want to hug you.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
brockway, you glorious cockwrangler, grat article once again.
as to everyone saying its “too long, boohoo”: take some ritalin, get over your short attention span, and enjoy these great writers, bringing you funny free shit everyday.
cockwrangler. lol.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am
I saw Bill Pullman setting fire to a hooker while singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” gently into her melted eardrums. Yes, Pullman, not Paxton.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:36 am
fucking longwinded and boring! are you maddox lite? seanbaby could have written this article 10 fold better with his arms tied behind his technicolored back.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Legendary article.
No article will match this tonight. i can sleep soundly.. now that my comedy quotient is fulfilled.
Much thanks.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I still liked this character better when he was known as John Cheese on Pointlesswasteoftime.com.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Wow, goddamn that’s scary. Scary but totally awesome.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
That was funny as shit. And makes me want to play Conan online like a motherfucker.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Conan and the Gods would be so proud
keep battling brave warrior, stop at nothing!!
August 12th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
This article wins merely by referencing the savage, nigh-inhuman legend that is Robert Howard’s Conan of Cimmeria.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Damn son, this makes Fight Club look like a Lifetime movie. Full of sonic, e-lectronic BALLBREAKERS!
August 12th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
the best thing you have ever done, that I have actualy read. You remind me of me on a normal basis.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I’ll admit I used to think you were a bit crap, Mr Brockway. I am now happy to put that into the Couldn’t-Have-Been-More-Wrong hall of fame.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
You’re a fucktard genius fuck-a-fuck Brockway !!!
Wow, Loooooooove it !
August 12th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Ghengis Khan would be proud.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
“WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
I lmao’d hard. I think that would be the correct answer.
My question is, what is the correct answer to that question for us women? Sex? Love? Cute things? My guess is “cute things”.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
That was totally FUCKING EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 12th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
hysterical
August 12th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
This needs to be but on film. I think Bill Paxton would do it.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
It’s raining blood in my apartment.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
lmao that is possibly the most hardcore thing i have ever read
August 12th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
You never disappoint, Brockway.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Since reading this article, I can now fart rocket swords from above my newly-casted iron balls at fire-spitting dragons to rescue Sandra Bullock lookalikes.
Thank you for this glorious gift, but I go through a lot of couches now.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Longest Cracked article ever? Great job!
August 12th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
=D…that is all
August 12th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Like the office with a drunk crazy guy.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I’m going to try the mantra. I ask only one thing in return…. a high powered lawyer to me me out of the crap I “will” get into. I promise you can have full rights to the movie afterward…
August 12th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Holy crap, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. It was so manly that even though I’ve given birth to two children, my testicles just dropped — I didn’t even suspect I had them!
August 12th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
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August 12th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Yeah, I’m fairly certain he just got *all* of us pregnant, Ana.
Even the men.
P.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I think you just got me pregnant. O.o
August 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I think my mind has been pillaged and raped..
August 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
That was the manliest thing I have ever read - anyone who says otherwise is… well I guess it means they’re a woman. 10 points, mate
August 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Loved it, one of the funniest articles I’ve read.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
That was so badass Chuck Norris called for his balls back and actually used the word “please”.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
That was so awesome that by the end I found myself preparing for war by sharpening my battle axe against some guys skull. Holy Fuckballs!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Loved it.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’m sure you’re really proud of this Brockway.
:/
August 12th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
That was so fucking manly, my 8 year old niece, who was next to me, grew an Adam’s apple.
Fuckbuckets.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Epic.
I want you to have my sister.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Haha fucking awesome.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I dont think I have ever read the word ‘fuck’ in so many variations EVER.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Brockway, now I’m gonna have to sue you for internal bleeding from laughing so fuckin hard
*fuckbuckets*
August 12th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Frank Frazetta - holy fuck! I have this book stashed in my closet. May the Dark Lord of the Underworld bless you for illustrating this brilliant piece of literature with Frazetta art!
August 12th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
This.
Was.
Fucking.
EPIC!!
This was so manly that I feel like turkey slappin every motherfucker i see for the next 5 hours
That, my friend, is what’s best in life
August 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you will remember if we were good men or bad, why we fought, or why we died. No, all that matters is that two stood against many, that’s what’s important. Valor pleases you, Crom, so grant me one request, grant me REVENGE! And if you do not listen, then the hell with you!”
August 12th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Shit I will never be the same again…didn’t know your testicle could drop twice (they’re probably not supposed to). Ironically, I think i’m gay for Brockway now.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Now that’s *classic* manly Brockman.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Strangely devoid of your normal dick jokes, Brockway.
“charged the water cooler with a barbaric yawp.”
This line was so fucking manly, my coffee turned to scotch, and I started snorting it.
August 12th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
August 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
This was so balls-out studly that EPT and I are 99.98% certain I’m pregnant.
Excuse me, I need to go scream “FUCKSTAINING PAXTON!” at the next person I see.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
“”Fuckbuckets,” he whispered.”
I almost burst with laughter
August 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
that was so manly my vagina sealed up.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“The single greatest flaw in human existence is the horizontal sleeping position”
thatis my new motto
August 12th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
This article is genius.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Wow!!! Best article on the internet. EVER!!!
Now, what is best in life?
August 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I feel like I have just had a religious experience.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Great job, brockway. You truly are the manliest man around. I can’t wait for the movie version!
August 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
This post was so Manly that my Gotee went into full fledged beard mode Now I must shave again.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
This article put hair on my chest.
And other places I’m not comfortable detailing on the internet.
Granted, it’s going to make wearing a two-piece bathing suit awkward, but do I care?
No.
No, I don’t. Because I have an ikea broadsword.
August 12th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Holy fuck this article makes me want to bellow with rage as I kill fucking everything with my bare hands! Good job.
August 12th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
FUCK.
YES.
All I can really say.
August 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
There’s no more point in reading as I will never read anything funnier then this.
Well played sire, Well played.
(Yes I did say sire.)
August 12th, 2009 at 11:56 am
You are the man.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:49 am
“To be a barbarian” in 500 words or less. I had that one in high school…
August 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
The image of an defiant-looking upside-down Paxton, with sunlight accentuating his features, will be forever etched in my consciousness.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:39 am
simply badass
August 12th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Fucking Fuck YES that was good
August 12th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Is there a tool you use to harness the all the funny in the world? Is it like that thing the Ghostbusters stick ghosts in? Because I would like to buy it from you. I have money and cocaine.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:33 am
TLDR
August 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I just shaved, and as soon as I read this article it grew back. I tried to shave again just now, and it broke my razor into a billion pieces.
Beautiful.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am
“CHRIST ON AN ASS I AM SO BILL PAXTON AS FUCK!” might just be the greatest sentence ever concieved.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am
After reading this article my chest became four times hairier, my by balls became three times bigger and beautiful women started to mud wrestle in my living room.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Fucking awesome.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Halfway through reading this, my balls exploded.
By the end, I had grown two more sets.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
This reads like a desperate attept to force fanfiction and cracked articles to make love to each other. None of this happened, you spent to much time beating it, were late on your deadline, and hammered this piece of shit out at the last minute.
Conan would have killed Paxton immediately, then banged his wife
August 12th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Wasn’t Paxton the guy from True Lies that said, ” I got a little dick” right before he pisses himself?
August 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
“greatfuckingful” had me in tears of laughter. bravo, sir, bravo.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. - H. L. Mencken
August 12th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I’ve never had my testosterone level raise this much while reading an article. My ’stache grew an entire foot from start to finish. Jesus fuck.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:59 am
OH. MY. GOD. MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
That was so awesome that I am now creating my own flamethrower from the household copy machine. If you do not hear from me again, listen on the news for ‘Madman uses copy machine to burn down local buildings’.
You’ll know.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I think I caused some sort of physical damage to myself from the convulsions of laughter whilst reading this.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
This fucking article is so fucking awesome that all the women of the damned world cried out in shit-pantingly fear and fucking lust as the moon turned red and the demons howled.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck. Fuck.
Yeah, all those fucks are there because I don’t know exactly how to use them to the best degree. I’m more of a “scare you with my intellect and death stare” type, rather than a “curse so much your prude gland disentigrates”. Fucking awesome.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Who did the artwork on this article? I swear to christ I am going to wallpaper my house with it. Inside and Out.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Hey I like Molley Hatchet too. I have a few of those albums.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:27 am
wow, didnt know anyone else was aware of frank frazetta, ive got 2 of his prints hanging on my walls at this very moment! good stuff
August 12th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Molly Hatchet for the win!
August 12th, 2009 at 9:17 am
This article was so fucking manly I grew little lady’s testicles when I read it.
Once I saw a bio-film about Robert E. Howard. Renee Zellweger drove him to suicide. I’ve never forgiven her.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:11 am
[...] Infusing Your Spiritual Life With Conan Jump to comments Posted in: Featured There’s a new column up at Cracked this week that was given the distinguished honor of being billed “the manliest post in the [...]
August 12th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Actually, yeah. Robert Brockway, can I have your brain-babies?
August 12th, 2009 at 9:01 am
As I read this manly tale of manliness, I tore at my bodice, screaming a confused mix of ecstasy and rage. The library patrons stared, I was asked to leave. My breast heaving, I spat in the face of civility, “Christ on an ass, Bill motherfucking Paxton is so the fucking man, you fuckholes.”
True story.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
This was hilarious, probably the funniest article I’ve read on the site.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Brockway. You are my new favourite Cracked writer. Particular highlights for me were:
“That’s a name stupider than shit on a fuck,”
“Fuckin’ fuck my fucko fuu-uuuck” sang Bill Paxton. “Fuck you fuck fuck motherfuu-uuuck.”
Of course, any article referencing Conan means you’re in for a treat, but you made it extra special.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Epic man. Just Epic.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Oh Brockway… you sexy, sexy lumberjack.
I’m giving you get extra points for getting me to look up words in the dictionary.
Sis·y·phe·an
ADJECTIVE: Greek Mythology Of or relating to Sisyphus.
Endlessly laborious or futile.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Sir Robert, I now look forward to the first opportunity I have to burst through the double doors of my workplace screaming “BILL PULLMAN JUST BUILT A FLAMETHROWER OUT OF THE COPY MACHINE AND HE’S BURNING EVERYTHING!”
Thank you.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:26 am
fantastic
August 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am
This is great. I forced one of my enemies to read this and now he’s anatomically a ken doll now from the raw testosterone flowing through this.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:00 am
As if someone drank too much Jeff Daniels….
August 12th, 2009 at 7:58 am
This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: __BigTalls C om___ the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
August 12th, 2009 at 7:58 am
that was…..actually reall cool…but what the hell was it?
August 12th, 2009 at 7:56 am
“Fuckin’ fuck my fucko fuu-uuuck” sang Bill Paxton. “Fuck you fuck fuck motherfuu-uuuck.”
Now I have that fucking chorus stuck in my fucking head and can’t fucking stop singing it, thank you very fucking much.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I think you may have got the Conan quote wrong. I think it’s “womenfolk” instead of “women”.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:54 am
“Fuckbuckets” is my most used expletive, because it serves to both shock and confuse the hearer.
“I am so Bill Paxton as Fuck!!!” is the new “I love lamp”.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:39 am
what the hell was I reading?
August 12th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Brockway…I have been looking forward to another article like this since you last wrote about the interns. Keep it up bro, love your shit fucklicker.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I am actually crying pure testosterone right now. The space bar is growing a moustache, and my testicles are harder than a crystal egg. Roarh!
August 12th, 2009 at 7:23 am
That was so fucking hilarious
August 12th, 2009 at 7:20 am
I liked this. I just cracked up when I got to the bit with the flamethrower. Seeing it all in caps just added that little something extra.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:16 am
@benjamin.malott-i hope you’re kidding, because
1. It’s definatly lamentation
2. Herementation isn’t a word
3. If it’s harem, why would it be herementation?
August 12th, 2009 at 7:16 am
I am pleased by anything that utilizes this much of Frank Frazetta’s artwork.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Also, +1 for the barbaric yawp!
August 12th, 2009 at 7:13 am
That was epic.
(benjamin.malott, you are 100% absolutely completely incorrect.)
August 12th, 2009 at 7:11 am
“IT’S FUCKSTAINING PAXTON,” Bill screamed after the woman from the doorway. “CHRIST ON AN ASS I AM SO BILL PAXTON AS FUCK!”
HAHAHAHA
August 12th, 2009 at 7:05 am
jesus christ, what is wrong the with you people, fucking boring as hell.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Really great work. Inspiring. Come to think of it, I think that guy in the next office over was eyeballing me in the elevator this morning. I wonder if I could throw that filing cabinet. Hmmm…….
August 12th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Absolutely hysterical. I laughed my ass off. Pure, undiluted win.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Brockway, are you completely sure you’re not descended from some obscure branch of the same family as Robert E. Howard? I’m sure he’d be proud of any spawn of his that could do such savage justice!
August 12th, 2009 at 6:45 am
adfsdf
August 12th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Wow! That is an amazing story, and one to attempt in the future.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Movie deal?
August 12th, 2009 at 6:20 am
it’s not lamentation of the women… It’s “the herementation of their women”… you know… harem…whorehouse.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Ahahahahaha, this is indeed the manliest post ever! Truly awesome it was …. :))))
August 12th, 2009 at 6:19 am
That was incredibly awesome Brockway. Amazing work.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:17 am
this was the funniest shit. i laughed tears
August 12th, 2009 at 6:09 am
You are a fucking genius Brockway. I loved this article! Very funny. I knew Bill Paxton was insane. I just knew it.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Yes indeed the story is marvelous.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Very creative; the post was certainly enjoyable. I have never been so excited to start work.
You should be a motivational speaker.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Brockway you are awesome. Once again, brilliant.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:52 am
“Fuckbuckets,” he whispered.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:38 am
That was hilarious. Good read.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:36 am
A testosterone fueled adventure in its most awesome form. I thank you.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Your Moral character cannot be inappropriate, because no matter what you’ve done, God will accept you if you are willing to be forgiven.
…
Yes I know cracked is a humor site.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Yay, a conan article, you’re the new best columnist.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Good sir, that was extremely manly. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a village to pillage. (heh heh That rhymes . . . . .)
August 12th, 2009 at 5:17 am
i’m gonna try this
August 12th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Fucking funny shit! Bill Paxton kinda speaks with broken English in this article, like and Arab man that wants to cuss you in English but doesn’t really know how.
Looking for some game news check out my blog at sunrisegames.blogspot.com, swear I’m not selling anything.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:09 am
More genius.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:08 am
“…overwhelmed by the power of this savage office barbarian with his IKEA ChairSword and Highlighter Tattoos.”
The story made me feel like charging through the drywall behind my computer and nabbing the girl I could hear walking through the apartment corridor. I would seriously read a book based on this story.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:00 am
He’s writing a book? That’s awesome!
August 12th, 2009 at 5:00 am
that was seriously awesome
August 12th, 2009 at 5:00 am
you sir- are comprised entirely of distilled awesome.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Just another day at the office…
August 12th, 2009 at 4:53 am
this is probably the best stuff brockway has ever written
August 12th, 2009 at 4:52 am
You clearly need help but I just love reading your insane ramblings, cheers!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Brockway, I fear your premise is flawed. The Conan quote is merely a less colourful corruption of the original Genghis Khan boast “The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.”
so erm… MEh fag, dongtacular etc
August 12th, 2009 at 4:36 am
“I wielded it in both hands like a makeshift broadsword, steeled myself for battle and charged the water cooler with a barbaric yawp.”
YAAAAWWWWWWWWP
August 12th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Is it wrong for a woman to have young handsome boy?? you know it is an absolutely extramarital relationship, but more and more services c ome out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship..like !!!.M a t c h C o u g a r.c O m.. what will the world be??
August 12th, 2009 at 4:28 am
FRAZETTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Oh fuck, now I feel like tearing a slat from my bed, mounting my kitchen table, and knocking down every wall in this mother fucker. WHATSBESTINLIFE?!?!?!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Awesome Brockway. Just fucking Awesome. GOD DAMMIT! I dont know if I want to laugh at this article or KILL EVERYONE!
See ya next wednesday!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:25 am
That was amazing.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:21 am
awesome, you should totally write a book
August 12th, 2009 at 4:17 am
I like how ambiguous this story is.
Fucking win in this sector.
good work, seriously.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:16 am
That was… It was a milestone in the annals of comedy, is what it was. You, sir, have outdone yourself.