Yep, the first round-up of 2009. A brand new year, and here we are again, delicately crafting a round-up introduction that you won't even read, because you're only interested in whether or not you made the notable comment, or the craptions.
Nothing ever changes.
The 12 Most Embarrassing Photos of 2008
If you're gonna dress up as a cow, just try not to get arrested.
Notable Comment: Jaimetown made us laugh: "Louisa Tuck's middle name wouldn't happen to be "Fitty" would it? 'Cos I am so there."
2008: The Year the Geeks Took Over
So, what does this mean for 2009? Who will take over next year? Nerds? Fat people? Ants?!?!
Notable Comment: lordastral says "hell yeah. I want a neural implant. I can't wait to comment on cracked.com without needing a keyboard." Well if that isn't a terrifying view of the future, we don't know what is.
5 Drinking Myths that Can Kill You
Hopefully, you read this article, listened to its advice, and had a safe and happy new year. Or maybe you didn't, and now you're dead. In which case, you aren't reading this right now. Unless you're a zombie, which we would be okay with. Please tell Cracked if you are a zombie.
Notable Comment:POLLIE says "It's actually possible to beat a breathalyzer by drinking a gallon of raccoon urine and eating your own feces. No lie." True story, you should all try that. But the urine has to be fresh, and from an angry raccoon.
5 Homeless Guys Who Accomplished Amazing Things
And here YOU are, reading the Cracked round-up. Why can't you be more like homeless people?
Notable Comment: TJL says "Great. Now I'm hung over AND depressed. Happy New Year to you too Cracked!" Looks like our New Year's Resolution to 'Stop Depressing TJL' isn't working out for us. Oh well. Maybe next year.
DISNEY HATES YOU!
7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons
Also, The Little Mermaid teaches us the lesson that Godless, talking fish-monsters deserve rights and, frankly, that's bullshit.
Notable Comment: Chadster says "Thankfully, children lack the skewed yet zaney thought process of a cracked writer." And that's the first time someone has said that Cracked writers are smarter than children. We are loving 2k9.
The Saddest New Years Party Ever
Let's hope your New Year's party was slightly better than this one.
YOU YOU YOU!
The 12 Most Embarrassing Photos of 2009
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Everything in Life Came with a Warning Label.
In Soviet Russia, Toilet shits YOU!!
You don't even wanna know what made them put a sign up.
While driving away, Ted wondered whether he had done the right thing by giving the stranger directions to the orphanage.
How dare you question my credentials. I'm a board certified physician.
Finally! A way to tell Asians apart!
Ted couldn't go shopping after Christmas.
He was broke.
Everyone's focusing on the legless guy in the foreground ... why isn't anyone mentioning the guy attempting to walk through the wall?
In less than 24 hours, little Billy's nightmares had gone from cutting back on transit costs to being out of work altogether.
I'm no journalist, but I think that camera is pointed the wrong way...
due to the economy, little Billy's nightmares had to take the bus
Rosa "Jurassic" Parks
"Luke! I am your Forefather!"
Someone files on their taxes under occupation "Makes Darth Vader Heads"
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.