We’ve been indiscriminately beaming everything from telephone calls to commercials deep into outer space for more than a century, but it’s only recently that we’ve started to actively exploit that targeted demographic: Theoretical aliens. Well, that’s all changed now that the new remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still was broadcast directly to Alpha Centauri last week in celebration of its Earthly release date. Now, while it’s true that the inherent consumerism-run-amok vibe given off by this action - harnessing billions of dollars worth of NASA technology just for a simple PR stunt – speaks of such a pure, unabashed greed that it would shame even the bastard lovechild of Gordon Gekko and the Grinch (probably conceived on the night Scrooge McDuck paid them to fuck on camera for his budding amateur porn site ifuckforpennies.com) that’s not the central issue here. The real problems are far more distressing than mere Duck Tales pornography:
“Just put it in a little bit. See how it feels. Just the tip…”
Namely (assuming that the remake is anything like the original) the central message of this film is that our species is such an epic fuck-up, that the only motivation strong enough to force a change in our ways is having a hostile alien force descend from the heavens and burn our children until we learn to love each other (I guess in the new one the lesson is recycling or something? I haven’t actually seen it because I just don’t hate ten dollar bills that much.) So if we’re trying to establish contact, shouldn’t we be beaming something a little more optimistic? Independence Day, Aliens, hell even Predator would be a better choice; at least we fucking win in those!
And that’s because the primary theme all these movies have in common is the idea that, yes, you may be more advanced than us, aliens, but our plucky can-do attitude actually deflects laser beams, turns the hearts of heartless robots and charms photon torpedoes so completely that they will choose not to explode on impact, but rather to pen a series of rhyming couplets about how our everlasting beauty is like the morning fog. Whereas The Day The Earth Stood Still conveys the idea that, though our kindly human nature does ultimately convince the aliens against complete annihilation, the near-total genocide really teaches us a valuable lesson. It’s like broadcasting an After School Special where the protagonist learns not to make fun of fat kids… because a chubby girl eats their entire family in retaliation. Effective? Incredibly. I’m just saying that maybe it’s not a method of teaching you want to actively advertise… when you’re the one getting eaten.
This is, however, not an unprecedented move on the studio’s part. We’ve been firing high-energy, focused bullshit at superior lifeforms for decades now. Earlier this year, Frito-Lay used the EISCAT Space Centre in Norway to blast a message advocating X-treme flavor Doritos at Ursa Major for six straight god damn hours. These arrays ain’t nothing to fuck with either: The director over at EISCAT explains that “they are amongst the brightest signals coming off our planet- almost like a lighthouse beaming out of the solar system.” So there’s no chance that this will be dismissed as background noise if it is, by some miracle, received. No, for six straight hours, a Doritos commercial, this one right here, was literally the most prominent message defining humanity to the universe.
“Hello. Cool Ranch is delicious. We like chips. Hello again! We like chips. Did we tell you about chips? Hello there! Chips are tasty food. We like to put them in our mouths! Hello friend, I’m calling on behalf of tasty chips…”
These companies are wasting truly epic amounts of money, time and resources, just for the somewhat unlikely opportunity to fuck over our first Contact worse than Jodie Foster and her bullshit alien father. So, good lord, imagine if any jackass with a telephone could do the same thing…
Well don’t worry, you won’t have to do any strenuous imagining today - they totally did!
A now defunct website named Talk To Aliens let anybody with four bucks a minute to spare route their cell phone calls through deep space transmitters. That’s a cost roughly equivalent to a phone sex line. So, for the same price as ear-fucking a Midwestern skank with shaky morals and a dead-end job, any dickhead could scream synonyms for “fart” and “balls” directly at highly advanced alien civilizations, and really let ‘em know just what we’re all about down here.
It’s becoming pretty obvious by now that there are precisely zero standards in place for extraterrestrial communication. We might as well take out a Craigslist ad offering to swap our neglected home gym equipment for an alien handjob at this point.
Oh…you can actually do that one too! Awesome. I guess we don’t need that stupid imagination crap after all, do we?
You fucking liar.
Jim Buckmaster, chief executive of Craigslist.org, recently won an eBay auction to broadcast data into space. He is, obviously, choosing to broadcast some of his Craigslist ads. You know - the ones that have become notorious for demonstrating exactly how perverse, profane, trashy and sad humanity gets when you allow them to communicate anonymously? Yeah, we’ll be telling the aliens all about that shit.
Listen, Buckmaster, we all know they’re going to find out about stuff like that eventually - the aforementioned Alien Handjob Flea Market would have its own category mere hours after first contact - but do we want to beam our worst aspects to them before we even formally meet? You don’t greet new business contacts by slipping your dick into their outstretched palm when they go for the handshake, you don’t break the ice when meeting your in-laws by showing them how far you can stretch your anus and you don’t kick off a blind date by telling them your name, hobbies and which cartoons you’ve masturbated to. I’m just suggesting that same measure of restraint for this potentially Earth-changing event.
What? Don’t judge me.
I mean, Christ, if they’re evaluating us by the most powerful, clearest messages we’ve fired at them, the aliens are going to think we’re all a bunch of easily amused, mentally deranged, low-rent perverts who just really want a handie and have no further need for a NordicTrack.
Actually…shit, that sounds about right, doesn’t it?
Well, nevermind then. I guess congratulations are in order: Way to distill humanity down to its purest essence: snack food, internet hookers and Ted Theodore Logan!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Aliens, STDs, Space. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 8th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
“I haven’t actually seen it because I just don’t hate ten dollar bills that much.”
It’s from the Bible, isn’t it? It’s pretty philosophic, nonetheless.
To be honest, I actually do not understand why people do this, send messages to the outer space. I mean, it’s not like, if received, they will be understood. It’s not Hollywood, the aliens do not understand English.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
“I haven’t actually seen it because I just don’t hate ten dollar bills that much.”
Most quotable line from this page in a long time. This is going to be my response next time my wife wants me to go with the kids to watch some Hannah Montana or Jonas Brothers concert-movie/assault on my eyes and ears.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
SETI has recently done the science and calculates that any transmissions from Earth will degenerate into undiscernable noise within a couple of light years. They won’t even reach the nearest star system. The aliens will have to be pretty close…
July 18th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Actually the site you claim doesn’t exsist, DOES!… http://www.ifuckforpennies.com/
July 5th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Let us just say, for hypothetical purposes, that some INTELLIGENT life gets our strange messages… How are they going to understand it? They will probably spend centuries just trying to find out what the hell our radio waves mean. Just like we would if we received a strange video-message from an alien race.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:00 am
y dont we just call them aliens via thuraya, i bet they will come, tell them we are having a party and a lot of buzz
May 5th, 2009 at 2:22 am
Blogs like this are why I use the internet.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I hate ten dollar bills too…
April 18th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
cant we all get along
April 15th, 2009 at 4:21 am
I follow your posts for a long time and should tell you that your articles are always valuable to readers.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Man, reading this article is like being a kid again, listening to mom and dad having a chat…LOL Please keep it comming, the truth will set you free, but first it will hurt like hell.
By the way, these are the places that send deep space message today.
1. sentforever.com
2. talk3ets.com
3.http://bloginspace.com/ (FREE_send blog or 100 words)
4. talktoaliens.com
Blows your mind………I sent both my novels in word format and in recording by three ot these methods above….First novels in deep space…
Scott C. Waring
Author of Novels “West’s Time Machine” & “George’s Pond”
March 4th, 2009 at 7:54 am
This guy who wrote the article is funny, why do so many people feel the need to show how they are funny too?
Haha the dali lama just slapped that guy! Not funny.
March 1st, 2009 at 5:01 am
i agrea with Frakka Clause. But serriously if their is life out there, unless their all ascended beings way beyond the Dali Llama [btw i had this great idea for a tv show where the object is to get punched or slaped by major religious leaders, the final round is the Dali Lama[i'mthinkinggroinshot]] and are willing to put up with our bullshit we’re fucked. because we are the short bus of speices, in a few hundered years its going to be idiocracy.[please excuse all spelling and gramatical errors, i havent slept in two days and am not at my best...intelegence...thing.......]
January 16th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
We should just beam 4chan’s /b/ into space. At least then, any aliens that get it will be functionally retarded by the time they get here.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Remember to be excelllent to each other and party on dudes, I’m sure someone has already said but no harm in reiterating the almighty awesome message of communism through heavy metal.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:19 am
I meant “he”, not “we” at the end there. But if you misunderstood, that fine with me. Bring hookers!
January 8th, 2009 at 3:15 am
You know what we should send into space? Joe Cotten’s music. Because any alien race advanced enough to travel between galaxies to come to the concert would probably be advanced enough to appreciate his glory.
I’m kidding. That howling guitar transcends time, space and the mind. He is the emissary of true rock, come to burn clean the eyeliner on the festering wound that is commercial pop music and rub grunge salt in it. It will hurt but it will heal. He has come up from hell carrying the torches of Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix to light a new fire under the decadent music business. Unconcerned with “indie cred” he plays to anyone who will hear, because ultimately, he loves you all.
Look him up on Myspace if you don’t believe me. He loves you. Seriously, he’ll be all over you. If you’re over eighteen and have breasts it’ll be even better. Either way we will totally make out, maybe not with your body, but definitely with your soul.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Princess Lana made her debut the same year as Miko Mido, so I never wasted much tissue on Lana.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Once again Brockway, awesome.
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I’d never seen a still of that TV from Idiocracy, makes me love that movie even more. “Beer OnLine: 12 a day keeps doc away.” Sweet! No wonder I never need medical attention! Either that or all the beer I buy keeps me from having insurance…..
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:41 am
I’m sorry to say http://www.ifuckforpennies.com IS a real website, yes, you can visit it, and donate, there are some minor setbacks though, but, you can buy an official “I fuck for pennies” shirt. Enjoy.
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 am
It could actually be much worse than firing Doritos advertisements into space. It could be a six hour marathon of two and a half men. Which would result in our prompt and tidy extermination.
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Honestly, though, what does happen in the remake? I read up on it a little bit, and apparently Keanu Reeves has a cockney accent and his sidekick/love interest is an animated penguin?
Also, I can’t decide whether Christopher Walken as Gort is a horrible or brilliant choice - although I’ve heard nothing but sterling reviews of Chris Tucker’s performance as the spaceship, so maybe I should give ‘em the benefit of the doubt.
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
6oober, you’re silly, that’s just silly.
What really happens is Gorm turns up to tell us to sort out our shit, and he’s tired of hearing indie music, he wants Earth to send some Wu-Tang into space for once, goddamit.
Then he accidently blows the world up, fucking klutz (it’s actually a slapstick comedy). Also, Keanu Reeves short-circuits for real on camera but somehow they work it into the film.
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
unfortunately…
“ifuckforpennies.com has a traffic rank of: No Data”
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
@ californiadave
the point of that is to make a little money in the absolute most retarded and lazy way possible. it’s probably a dude, and he probably doesn’t actually have much sex in his life.
…and i am totally jealous. i should have thought of that!
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
ive never sat and watched the original ‘the day the earth stood still’apparently theres a guy called ‘gorm’ and hes a tin man ,a bit like in the wizard of oz.which had monkeys.anyway.he comes and says that our dorito advert sucks,and to stop showing it.or sommit.am i right?
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
[...] Cracked column up here. I’d ask you to Digg it and whatnot, but I’m getting this up late so there’s no [...]
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
wow nothing like letting aliens know that we are destructive consumer driven morons I think that if there was a chance they got the messages they would be like wow this planet is full of retards we might have to blow them up so they stop sending this shit
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
let’s hope since they don’t speak english, the ETs won’t pick up the day the earth stood still and misinterpret it as some sort of threat against what we’ll do to them. like make them watch keanu reeves movies.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:52 am
If that Doritos advert was broadcast into space, don’t you think the aliens would think our planet was populated by Doritos? Or that the Doritos sent the message as a plea for help?
Or- get this- what if aliens who look like Doritos saw the message? They’d be all like, “Our brothers are in trouble! We must scramble the Zigs for great justice and save them! We shall destroy the beige mouth-beasts!”
And then they’d kill Keanu Reeves. So it’s not all bad, I guess.
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:23 am
Hey, now, I clicked on the ifuckforpennies link b/c I was expecting a funny picture! I’ll have you know I’m not a sick bastard, so nah.
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:32 am
Princess Lana is pretty hot but I’m for Kim Possible and that chick from Aladdin…
Mmmm…imagination sandwich…
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:57 am
Am i the only one that found Pepper-Ann hot? Seriously?
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:28 am
OHMIGOD, PRINCESS LANA!!! I had such a girl-crush on her as an 8 year old!!
January 1st, 2009 at 11:53 pm
The picture with the tv screen showing “Ow My Balls!” is a screen shot from the movie idiocracy. Although it stars Luke Wilson, it is insightful and entertaining. It too features the X-treme deliciousness of Doritos Brand Corn Chips.
January 1st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
FINALLY.
You know, Robert, I’ve been waiting a long time for an article without lists from you, and you didnt disappoint. Seriously, good article.
January 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am
So long, faith in humanity! Maybe I’ll see you again if we ever get around to curing cancer.
January 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am
caegn, that dosen’t sound like a bad death.
January 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
Great.
So after that Doritos ad, there’s probably now dozens of alien civilizations that think we are some sort of tasty primitive triangle people dancing to tribal drums and worshiping the salsa god by sacrificing one of our own to a giant.
Is there any way this ends well? By well, I mean with the aliens not deciding “We traveled 35 trillion miles to eat the inhabitants of this world, and by zorgf (their god) we are GOING TO EAT THE INHABITANTS!”
I don’t want to die covered in salsa.
January 1st, 2009 at 6:01 am
AHAHA SOME GOLD STUFF HERE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=763vmCrRBDg
January 1st, 2009 at 5:59 am
WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE!!!
i fuck for pennies IS a real website…copy and paste it into your browser…
its a very interesting site, im not sure what the point is…
check it out.
http://www.ifuckforpennies.com
January 1st, 2009 at 4:52 am
If we sent crack into space, the aliens would probably come around and demand that we continue the week in douchebaggery and HBN.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:58 am
I expect the aliens response to our messages will be in form of thousands of nuclear missiles pounding our planet into dust.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Humanity is doomed…
December 31st, 2008 at 10:17 pm
You bastard. I clicked on ifuckforpennies.com.
December 31st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Does the Frito-Lays company actually expect aliens to land and say “Take us to your Nacho Cheesier”?
December 31st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
HAHAHAHAHA Bill & Ted reference… I <3 Brockway’s style ^.^
December 31st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I vote that Cracked.com starts up a fund where the readers donate to have every single Cracked article read out loud and sent to space so that our friends orbiting Proxima Centauri can better understand our culture.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
This rocked. Would be even better if developed into a full fledged article. I’m sure there are plenty more ridiculous messages to mock.
Also, I gargle balls.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I fell for the link too ,Dan but is was before I read the article. I just saw the link ifuckforpennies.com and the picture of Scrooge McDuck went” Hey! I got to check that out!” I thought it was Scrooge McDuck fucking. Oh well.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Kudos for the Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure reference.
Be excellent to each other…and party on dudes!
December 31st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I also had to go back and click on the link after reading the comments…which brought a giggle on an otherwise crappy day!
(This does not help to take away the pain I’m currently suffering due to having the reading rainbow theme stuck in my head. Why do I still remember that?!)
December 31st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Yep, Levar Burton, from Reading Rainbow! I’m going to go shoot myself now…
December 31st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Didn’t fall for the link, but I had to go back and click it after reading the comments here. lol
$4 a minute to broadcast one of society’s cattle lowing into the telephone. People really will buy anything. I think I’m going to go shit in a pickle jar and sell it on eBay. I know one of you freaks will pay top dollar for it.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:53 pm
was the LeVar Burton?
December 31st, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Really? Really? Crap, we are all doomed.
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
December 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am
You’re not alone DOB, I fell for it too….
December 31st, 2008 at 11:48 am
what are u guys talking about? doesnt make any sense. I heard that cheryl coles image was sent out to space to represent earth.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:34 am
DOB,
Yes, he may have been trolling, mentally challenged and probably also a dickhead, but he did bring up an interesting point: I think he was trying to say that aliens are racist and their whole “man, aliens fly spaceships like this *do wop doo be boo* while humans, man, humans fly spaceships like this *bee be bee de* ha! Ain’t that crazy? I mean, what’s up with that?!” routine is offensive and inaccurate.
Fuck you, aliens.
Also, you like Duck Tales porn.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am
To be completely honest, I clicked the McDuck website. I knew it was fake, but I wanted to click it anyway.
As to who’s the hotest non japanize cartoon charicter? That has to go to Jessica Rabbit.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:16 am
1. Betty Rubble
2. Josie and all the Pussycats
3. Sabrina the Teenage Witch
4. Penelope Pitstop
5. Jessica Rabbit
December 31st, 2008 at 10:44 am
@concerned-
Boy, you bring up a really interesting point, and I think we should discuss it further.
Oh, wait…I see here that I’ve deleted your comments. Huh. I suppose you’ll just have to shut up and stop trolling, then.
Sweet article, Brockwayne. Anybody else here fall for McDuck’s website? No? Just Daniel? Huh.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am
I’m confused on the “burn our children” part describing the plot to the original “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. Was I watching a different movie? Gort only fried the shit out of tanks and guns. Oh and the plastic that they encased him in. In fact, I recall the kid from that version being about the only competent and reasonable Earthling in the whole damned movie.
But, great article!
December 31st, 2008 at 9:54 am
Thank GOD we got the ‘Contact’ ‘First Contact’ thing out of the way.
Hannah Montana sends pictures of her naked mom into space.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:49 am
i was just about to say that, u got there 1st 1004.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:43 am
Really? Nobody has yet corrected Mr. Brockway?
The Jodie Foster movie is just called Contact. First Contact was a Star Trek movie, in which Data fucking snaps a Borg’s neck.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:39 am
yeah, yeah, 1 time, we believe u, sure
December 31st, 2008 at 9:32 am
Who? the fat boy slim guy?
December 31st, 2008 at 9:31 am
heyyyyyyyy!!!, i havent got an obesity problem, a choco fudge problem maybe, but dorrritttosss, it happened 1 time mannnnn, 1 timeeeeeeeeee!!!
December 31st, 2008 at 9:22 am
thats defanitely a man, with a slight obesity problem. and tainted glasses to hide the doorways of a diabolical mind
December 31st, 2008 at 9:16 am
The third photo (guy with doritos thing):
Dude or chick?
December 31st, 2008 at 9:15 am
i seen an alien once, back 1952, blue eyes, short hair, name was bob, he told me my feet smelled atrocious, never forgot that day
December 31st, 2008 at 9:14 am
Well played Tommy The Brat.
Also, out of the non-japanese cartoons, who’s the hottest? I’m thinking jasmine in aladin, or bambi.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:13 am
It has been 2009 now for 3 hrs…
it’s not much different.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:07 am
Pfft! I’ve masturbated to hotter cartoons than Princess Lana.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:51 am
I too, am jealous of Kevin Keene.
What an asshole. I’d totally bang his chick. Good point Brockway.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:30 am
Phrsst, you are giving these aliens far too much credit. I bet years ago NASA picked up an outer space transmission, successfully translated it and immediately burned it as it just turned out to be Martian for….
FIRST!
December 31st, 2008 at 8:29 am
Holy crap I’m…….no…….I WON’T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!