2008 was a year full of surprises. And by that, I am of course referring to the huge number of unplanned pregnancies that graced those twelve calendar pages. But when we weren’t busy accidentally creating human life, we were busy foiling past generations’ expectations of us. From film, to books, to video games, to decorative diner placemats, every manner of media had to have their say about what the people of 2008 would be doing with their time. Well, they were all wrong, and here are the wrongest of the bunch: 8 stories set in the “futuristic” year of 2008 that completely dropped the proverbial ball.
The Source:
The 1955 Isaac Asimov short story Franchise.
The Prediction:
In the futuristic year of 2008, a supercomputer named Multivac will lead our proud electronic democracy by selecting the most demographically representative U.S. citizen, asking them some questions, and using the information to select the next President.Accuracy:
Not so hot.
2008 saw the election of an intelligent, well-spoken black man. For Obama to accurately represent the average of all American citizens, he’d have to gain about fifty pounds, take a few knocks to the head, and get Mexican citizenship. Add to that the fact that we stopped naming computers “(fill in the blank)-vac” about the time the Beatles were roaming the earth, and you’ve proven once again that Asimov was little more than a doddering, irrelevant old codger. Besides, the idea of a voting machine asking you some vague questions and then telling you who’s President is so 2004. I’m just waiting for Diebold to stop beating around the bush and declare itself Supreme Overlord in 2012.
The Source:
The post-apocalyptic box office bomb Doomsday.The Prediction:
In the futuristic year of 2008, the plot of Escape From New York will have sex with the plot of Outbreak and Scotland will get quarantined from the rest of the world due to a plague (or at least, that’s what we’ll say). Then they’ll almost immediately resort to the plot of Mad Max.
Accuracy:
About as accurate as John Bobbitt’s urine stream after a couple of stiff drinks (too soon?). As evidenced by the tartan and cabers that litter our nation’s beaches and clog our storm drains, the filthy Scots still roam free. My guess is we’ll have to wait till Connery knocks off before we can put the fences up. I’m not saying we can’t take him, I’m just saying, do we want to risk it? Meanwhile, the only deadly viral outbreaks that gained prominence this year were Bird Flu and that bee disease. And even if they both swept the globe, what’s the real loss? Teaching our children about sex will become slightly more difficult (although you could easily use a donut and hot dog), and we won’t get stung or shat on anymore. Although if all the bees were wiped out, it could lend some credence to the next prediction…The Source:
The forward-thinking ecological sci-fi thriller Silent Running.
The Prediction:
In the futuristic year of 2008, all plant life on Earth has died out due to our gross ecological mismanagement, and the last remaining forests are being housed in giant space domes circling the rings of Saturn. Then we decide we didn’t want them after all, and order them jettisoned from their moorings and detonated with nuclear charges (just to make sure they don’t somehow survive, return to Earth, and seek revenge, I imagine).
Accuracy:
On par with Colonel Stauffenberg. First of all, our plant life hasn’t entirely died out yet; we’ve still got several acacia groves, a sopping handful of plankton and a very lovely squash vine, thank you very much, it’s just not producing this season. And as I feel I’ve made abundantly clear up to this point, in order for us to have gotten anything, let alone Biodome, to the rings of Saturn, we would have needed to launch it during the Trojan Wars. Give me Cool Runnings over this tripe any day. It may be equally far fetched, but at least John Candy’s in it.The Source:
My lover, my mother, that glistening God we mortals know as Futurama.
The Prediction:
According to some barely-glimpsed signage in Futurama’s pilot episode, Stop N’ Drop Suicide Booths not only exist legally by 2008, they are already considered “America’s Favorite.”Accuracy: In keeping with their later predictions that Pauly Shore will become a beloved actor and Coolio’s face will be printed on our coins. Again, there have been technological limitations. We could probably 
make a booth capable of killing someone and disposing of the body, but the Stop N’ Drop level of luxury—eyes scooped out with melon ballers, a helpful, friendly automated voice control—are all beyond our means. Meanwhile, this country’s medieval stance on the individual right to have a machine stab you in the gut keeps us from even making serious progress towards this lofty dream. The best we’ve got at the moment is Dr. Kevorkian, the crude biological equivalent. Normally I’d suggest a mass Krevorkian cloning project at this point, but apparently there’s something wrong with that too. Sorry Futurama writers; it looks like the religious zealots won’t let you have your citywide killing boxes.
The Source:
Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle’s novel The Mote in God’s Eye.The Prediction:
In the futuristic year of 2008, mankind makes the single greatest scientific breakthrough in its history when it perfects faster-than-light travel, sending Einstein spinning in his grave and countless generations of spacestronauts hurtling through the black void in search of aliens to impress.
Accuracy: Pretty abysmal. The fastest a space ship has ever moved, to date, is roughly 550,000 miles an hour, which, while fast enough to ensure that any potential road kill will be thoroughly smeared across the freeway in a bloody swath miles long, is still pitiful in the face of goddamn light, which averages 300 million miles an hour even when it’s been drinking. Meanwhile, the most exciting scientific development this year was the construction of a giant underground tube for smashing stuff together, and even that was greeted by hordes of people claiming it was witchcraft that’d cause demons to emerge from the Underdark and devour us alive. Let’s face facts: in the larger context of galactic civilization, we’re the guys standing in the corner with no pants on clanking rocks together.
The Source:
Alan E. Nourse’s 1957 novel Rocket to Limbo.
The Prediction:
Okay, so maybe mankind won’t perfect faster than light travel by 2008. But what they will do is launch a ship into space towards the nearest star, and expect the doomed astronauts aboard to reproduce and live in their quarters for many generations while it makes its 350-year journey to Alpha Centauri. I mean, how can you go wrong with a prediction that assumes we’re cold-hearted pricks?
Accuracy:
Shmaccuracy. Yes, predicting that it’ll take a 2008 spaceship 350 years to travel the 4.37 light years to Alpha Centauri is slightly less ridiculous than imagining we’ll be hitting Warp 1, but it still assumes a ship capable of traveling a minimum of four million miles an hour. As I may have already mentioned, that’s about 8 times faster than the fastest human ship, which was a probe, not a giant space hotel with room and facilities enough to keep a little mini-civilization going and (presumably) not resorting to inbreeding. Although I still think the premise that we’d be willing to doom many generations of children to a cold, sterile life in a tin can hurtling through space in exchange for the slim possibility that they’d crash into a star is probably dead on.
The Source:
Sentimental, teen-friendly TV show I’ve never seen, Dawson’s Creek.The Prediction:
In the vague recap of the series finale of Dawson’s Creek my least interesting friend gave me over drinks and me telling him to shut up, I seem to remember that star James Van Der Beek (AKA Dawson, “The Daws” or “Dawes Butler”) returns to his hometown in 2008 after becoming a successful television producer and creator of the fictional series The Creek, based on 60-minute segments of his life. This is extra meta, because the actual creator of Dawson’s Creek based the show on his life, creating a never-ending Oroburos of schlocky crap.
Accuracy:
Only in the sense that we still breathe Oxygen. The last memorable thing James Van Der Beek did was play himself getting the shit beaten out of him in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Since then, he’s bounced around from sitcom guest appearance to sitcom guest appearance, most recently One Tree Hill, or Dawson’s Creek: Remix. Meanwhile, 2008 primetime television is populated by counter-terrorists, smoke monsters, and spiritually conflicted robots from space. Any show based on a show we already watched ten years ago would have to under go some major changes. I’m thinking ice powers for Zoey, the fictional Dawson’s Creek character I’m pretending to reference.The Source:
The original 1987 NES Mega Man.
The Prediction:
In the futuristic year of 2008, battle robots with sophisticated powers like the ability to throw rocks and cut you, led by an evil scientist named after a cartoon coyote, will enslave a neon neo-Tokyo and do battle with a one handed, child-sized robot maid cum supersoldier in blue spandex who can’t duck.Accuracy:
I’ve never been to Tokyo, so I can’t really speak to the accuracy of Mega Man’s endless ladder towers and fan-powered clouds swarmed by flying teeth. Judging by some of the pictures I’ve seen online and my fathomless cultural ignorance, I’d believe it. But a robot that can’t duck? Are you kidding me? Even Aibos can kind of hunker down, and they’re barely on the teetering edge of the uncanny valley. If there’s one thing we can be sure of, it’s that the Japanese wouldn’t let a robot supersoldier step foot out the factory door without six hands, an equal number of depleted uranium-spitting miniguns, and an integrated all-region Toshiba DVD player.When not taking people too seriously, Michael is head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, December 29th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under 2008, Predictions, TV, Video Games, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 28th, 2009 at 7:58 am
good good
May 13th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
350 years to Alpha Centauri is actually an OVERestimate:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Orion_(nuclear_propulsion)#Applications
April 21st, 2009 at 6:35 am
You let yourself down by including Asimov’s Franchise in this collection. Asimov was one of the single most insightful authors of his generation, predicting a huge range of technological advancements that we now take for granted. If you actually read Franchise I think you would be very surprised at how much of it rings true today.
March 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Mega man looks kind of like George W. Bush.
March 15th, 2009 at 2:41 am
Haha, you should do one of these lists about the sci-fi future every year!
March 8th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
“… the Japanese wouldn’t let a robot supersoldier step foot out the factory door without six hands, an equal number of depleted uranium-spitting miniguns, and an integrated all-region Toshiba DVD player…” that AND giant schoolgirl-raping tentacles
February 28th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
*brain zaps self for reading comments* god… what a bunch of idiots! (Tiny Immortal Organism is exempt)
February 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Wow - I swere i lose a few IQ points everytime I read over peoples comments, i got to really stop doing it - there are some real dumbasses out there. Anyway - lucky reading over your articles makes me laugh enough to forget about that loss of intelligence. Thanx, you rock!
January 29th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
What no Double Dragon with cars that run on garbage?
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:48 am
To Chris just a bit ago…
If you had read the article properly you may have noticed that your comment doesn’t matter because it’s mentioned that the suicide booth in question has been America’s favorite since 2008. Comedy Central just played this episode recently and I remember noticing that. In order for it to have been America’s favorite for 992 years when the show is set in 3000, it would have had to exist in 2008, which it doesn’t.
January 18th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Dude, I’ve been to Tokyo, and Mega Man’s depiction of it is entirely accurate. It really is like looking into a mirror…scary.
January 18th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Just a heads up, but Futurama was set in the year 3000 (THREE not TWO) . . . so i would say they still have close to a millennium to right about the whole suicide booth thing.
January 17th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
[...] Cracked This entry was posted by Nathan on January 17th, 2009 at 17:39 and is filed under Humour, Pop [...]
January 15th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
[...] Cracked - The 8 Most Misguided Sci-fi Versions of 2008 [...]
January 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
“Any show based on a show we already watched ten years ago would have to under go some major changes.”
You mean like 90210?
January 11th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
[...] again, the predictive powers of science fiction prove to be faulty. Well color me unsurprised. That’s not what science fiction is for. [...]
January 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
whoops- I misread about the 2008 thing- nm SWAIM- you are the god I know you are <3
January 9th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
“a sopping handful of plankton and a very lovely squash vine, thank you very much, it’s just not producing this season” <— lol!
also– futurama is in the year 3008 MORON! and I believe that cheap suicide in some form will definitely exist if not in the next century.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
#4 - “The fastest a space ship has ever moved, to date, is roughly 550,000 miles an hour, which, while fast enough to ensure that any potential road kill will be thoroughly smeared across the freeway in a bloody swath miles long, is still pitiful in the face of goddamn light, which averages 300 million miles an hour even when it’s been drinking.”
It is the mass of the object not it’s speed that would determine whether or not road kill would be smeared over a few miles. I know you are relating this to the mass of the putative space ship, but it’s still not especially clear.
And the speed of light in water or alcohol is less than its speed in a vacuum. So light — when its been drinking — is definitely feeling the affects of its environment. Let’s see, light travels at 186,000/sec. In sixty seconds it goes 11,160,000 miles. In 8.24 minutes it goes 92 million miles (one AU, or the distance from the sun to the earth), and in one hour it travels 669,600,000 which, seems to be a bit faster than 300 million miles an hour.
Earl Cox
January 7th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I’m convinced that the movie Idiocracy is the true fate of the human race.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
For those people commenting on the suicide booth from Futurama:
Even though the show takes place in the 31st century the suicide booths have been America’s favorite since 2008. The pilot was made around (I don’t really know) 2000, so that line was a joke relying on the fact that 2008 was only 8 years away.
Oh but one other thing. Doesn’t Swaim say that the plot of the 1st movie involved the computer “using the information [gained from talking to the most average person] to select the next President”?
Note that it doesn’t say that that average person becomes president; it just says that that person’s wants are used to select the president. Now I’m pretty sure some average American’s voted for Obama. Just saying is all.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
We could get to Alpha Centari. We just don’t want to.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:54 am
When the ballot comes around, vote YES to citywide killing boxes.
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Jesus people read the article. Yes, Futurama is set in 3000. The suicide booths claim to be “America’s Favourite Suicide Booth since 2008″. PAY ATTENTION
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
the speed of light = 670 616 629 mph
Thank you, Google Calculator!
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:16 am
Didn’t Futurama take place somewhere in the 3000s? I’m like…100% sure it did. Also, Transformers the Movie took place in the year 2005. I know that’s not the year you’re shooting for what with us being more futuristic than Transformers these days, but that is a little screwy.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Rachel, shut up.
And DCoke, we actually did that, that’s called Ontario.
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:05 am
futurama was set in the year 3000 not 2000. spla.
January 1st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
When we quarantine those dirty Scotts, can we make an exception for Scottish cracked.com readers? One commenter said they’d move to Canada and I say we bring all the Cracked Scots here. We need to make the maritimes Scottish again. All the white people here have less accent than you Americans.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:42 pm
As the only person on here who doesn’t care about Asimov, I’d like to say that actually the last memorable thing Van Der Beek did was play a psychotic serial killer on Criminal Minds. It was hilarious in a kind of surreal way to watch Dawson running around butchering people with a hunting knife for no good reason. Then again, this is also the show that made Wil Wheaton into a Norman Bates parody and Frankie Muniz into a much more deranged Batman analogue. Maybe the producer just likes fucking with people.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
[...] The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 2008 was a year full of surprises. And by that, I am of course referring to the huge number of unplanned pregnancies that graced those twelve calendar pages. But when we weren
December 31st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
[...] is a very interesting read. I like sci-fi of all types but it does make it interesting to see what the past thought of us now. [...]
December 31st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Being a 10th level nerd I just have to point out that the Suicide Booths in Futurama were a reference to the Suicide Booths from Robert Sheckley’s ‘Immortality, Inc.’ written in 1958.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:40 am
Isn’t Back to the Future II set to start soon? Call me when that happens.
I’m gonna bag me some young Lea Thompson.
You know, back before she murdered all boners with Caroline in the City.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:37 am
c = 300 000 000 METERS per SECOND.
Its these sorts of errors that caused the Mars Climate Orbiter to crash back in 1999..
December 31st, 2008 at 6:55 am
As a ‘filthy Scot’ Swaim, I can only fill myself with rage and say…..
Meh, I fucking hate my own country, quarantine it, I’ll see you in Canada.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:20 am
#5 is somewhat accurate, suicide is painless and mostly affordable (depending on who you talk to), although there are no booths that do the work for you, if you know the right people you can get ahold of these pills that wil pretty much cause you just to fall asleep and never wake up, and kills you a few hours later in your sleep.
its similar to those two sided sleep aids, only there is some strong ass tranquilizer that is released instantly upon consumption and then a time released poison, (i’m assuming cyanide) that is released a couple of hours later when the casing dissolves.
if you know where to look you can get a hold of these for 20-50 USD (on the cheap side).
December 31st, 2008 at 4:27 am
You know, and I’m not upset by this or anything because it doesn’t cost me a dime to view this site, but I think that this topic had a lot more potential. There are so many sci-fi movies out there that got it so wrong with regards to our time period that it’s pretty much just something you’ve got to learn to accept if you’re watching or reading any sci-fi made before 2000. But perhaps the list is much more limited if you’re just looking for 2008, which I’m sure you did what with the new years and all. Still, it could’ve been a really good article. I mean, come on, mega-man not being able to bend over, futurama (which you didn’t even get right), and, for fucks sake, Dawson’s Creek? Did I miss something? Dawson’s creek was a sci-fi show? And it didn’t make any predictions about technologies or major events or anything, just that some fictional asshole was going to have a tv show in 2008? Even on most of the movies/tv-shows that do belong here, the points were shittily made.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:36 am
Mega Man’s always been kind of rigid, only shooting straight forward, unable to duck, and so on. But his enemies are no different; at least, until Mega Man 8. The bosses run around as free as the birds, making Mega Man look like a confused Frankenstein’s Monster in comparison.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:53 am
You’re mom was sucking on my big beaner balls biatch!
White Fence Fo Life!
December 30th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
OMG no way dude that is just too funny!
http://www.privacy.de.tc
December 30th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
550,000 mph space probe? Try 55,000 kph (off by a factor of 16)
December 30th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I read this list to my mom, and in explaining how Mega Man gets new powers (she suggested that he “bomb the shit out of them”; thanks a lot, savvy nickname), she suggested that he face a robot that only ducks. This lead to the brainstorm of Duck Man, who looks like a duck and waddles around while ducking, just out of range of Mega Man’s cannon. It’s brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you, GENIUS, I say!
December 30th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Having watched the pilot of Futurama this year, the 2008 line tickled me greatly.
I’m still waiting for aliens to shoot New York City down (or should I say… Bender?)
December 30th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Why we would want to launch a rocket into Alpha Centauri in the first place remains to be seen.
December 30th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
While the fastest space probe produced so far only reached 550,000 miles an hour, much of that limit is based on our inferior rocketry technology. If the spacecraft technologists had adopted nuclear pulse propulsion, we’d have spacecraft which could reach Alpha Centauri in 50 years, let alone 350 years.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Swaim’s right about the suicide booth. Someone even backed it up with a link.
He’s right. About the baby ox, about everything.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Funny. That stuff though about us being the galactic rock clinkers is iffy - for all we know, we might be the most advanced civilization at present in the galaxy. Just do the math - life existed on Earth for about 3 billion years, w/ advanced cell organism life existing for the past 600 million years, and out of that 3 billion (or 600 million depending on how you measure it) years, civilization only existed for about 10,000 years, and advanced scientific civilization has only existed for less than 200 years.
And odds are we’ll get into some huge tiff and kill ourselves off as a species within the next 1000 years. Out of the hundreds of millions of years when the planet could’ve supported intelligent civilization, 10,000 or so years is a pittance - a pretty small window for civilization to exist.
If they’re anything like us, of all the other planets in the galaxy that can support life, maybe they never got around to evolving intelligent civilization yet, or they already did and their intelligent civilization window came and went millions or even billions of years ago.
But when considering time scales of hundreds of millions of years, or even billions, the question isn’t whether there’s life somewhere out there, b/c odds are there is. Question is whehter there’s *intelligent* life out there, and if that intelligent life’s window of civilization is overlapping w/ ours, as opposed to having come and gone back when T-Rex was around.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
dangleberrys
December 30th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Idiots. The Futurama Suicide booth exists it 3008. And the series opener takes place in 2999 so your wrong.
December 30th, 2008 at 7:27 am
So the Multivac has the most demographically representative citizen pick the next president? What does that have to do with Obama not being said citizen? Regardless of your opinion of Asimov surely this is a flawed argument.
Surely Mac is a shorthand notation for Multivac so perhaps Asimov was more prescient than he’s credited for.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:58 am
“The most deadly booth since John Wilkes” Probably the funniest John Wilkes Booth reference since the one they built out of stone on South Park.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Holy shit people get way too pissed over Asimov.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:33 am
I love watching those old 1980’s sci fi movies that predict how different the world would be in 2000.
sad thing is, the world is DEGENERATING into a bucnh of sel serving, obese, greedy, materialistic idiots.
We aren’t producing anything but cars, toys and ipods. The way I see it, humanity isn’t going anywhere. Mutherfuckers don’t even wanna fund the space programs.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:09 am
And a penis with a vagina wrapped in eel tentacles, the Japanese would have to include that too.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Isaac Asimov was a gigantic douchebag with no discernible talent.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
This was pretty lame.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
WOO HOO BSG REFERENCE DETECTED
December 29th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Oh no did I hurt your poor little sheeple mind. I don’t love Asimov that must mean I am dumb and uneducated. Obviously I have done so little my CV can be summed up in less than a sentence.
You are so smart HughLaurie why don’t you and the other sheeple tell me how to live my life. You must be so superior to me to be able to analyze and know my life from three lines of dialogue.
I love how when someone has an honest opinion you call them a troll to make yourself feel better about your belief in the omnipotence of Asimov. Oh and I love all the exclamations!
December 29th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Dudes, I’m pretty sure Swaim has mentioned being an Aasimov fan before…I’m pretty sure it was just a joke. You get it? He overreacted to him being slightly off in a prediction of 2008. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT. Geez, so many people take things said on Cracked at face value when, guess what? It’s a fucking COMEDY WEBSITE. Where people often MAKE JOKES. And occasionally about things they in fact, like. Hell, I don’t know about anyone else, but I prefer making fun of people or things that I like. Seriously people, stop being so fucking stupid, and remember that there’s pretty much 2 ways to make a joke about someone: saying something that’s true (for example, Bush is dumb), and saying something that is deliberately untrue (for example, Bush is smart).
December 29th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
For the people saying the suicide booths were in the year 3000… It was 2008. After “killing” Fry and Bender, the friendly voice thanked them and said “America’s favorite since 2008″.
I watch too much TV.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Nice try, “AsimovSucks.” On one hand, you want us to think that you are so well read (thanks for the curriculum vitae), then on the other hand, you go with “Ass-imov.” And you’ve read “ever” classical work. Wow! You must be a pretty smart guy who cannot be questioned.
“Ass-imov!” Ha ha ha ha ha! I will pull my head out of my ass now! You are so right! He is so bad and you are so right! I will now start to suck it, as you suggest!
Sigh.
Trolly troll troll. Who’s that trapping at your bridge?
Nobody hates Asimov enough to write the crap you just put out. My beef with Swaim is a matter of respect—going over the line in a lame atttempt to be funny.
You, on the other hand, just happened by and decided to goose us a bit. Thanks for that; wish you had bought us dinner first.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Wait, the original Megaman was based in the year 2008??
I always thought it was “in the year 20xx” or something. . .gotta get my NES to work to find this one out.
But it’s interesting enough though. . .
December 29th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Ass-imov sucks. I have read ever classical work and 500 of the highest rated novels and Asimov sucks. Ooh robots. Whoopedy fucking doo. If you actually read the article and pulled your head out or you ass you would see that Asimov is irrevelant. Who fucking thinks that you three laws are what will govern robotics in the future? Honestly is Asimov so fucking weak that an article on cracked will change your mind about him? You people should follow your idol and figure out rationally why you don’t like the author’s statements rathering than saying doddering, irrelevant old codger that make me want to smash. You know who else was a brilliant sci-fi writer according to people? L. Ron Hubbard so suck it.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
@Spindle:
Nearly choked on my hot chocolate, you bastard. Thank you for putting voice to the animal rage I first felt, but was too timid to put in print for the world to see forever and ever.
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Actually, when Fry discovered the Suicide Booths in Futurama, it was the year 3000 because of the whole New Years thing and getting frozen and all.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
doddering, irrelevant old codger? He’s one of the most brilliant writers humanity has ever seen you retarded shit gobbling fuck. Maybe if you took the time to read something longer than the expiration date on the edible panties you bought yourself you could come up with better material. You should be raped to death by stampeding gay rhinoceroses with rusty prince alberts while your family looks on and masturbates.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
You know what sucked about Mega Man? It was like pitfall 2 but with a retarded backstory to ruin the score making video games are supposed to be. I wish someone had told me 20 years ago that in the future video games will try to bore you to death with sorry attempts at being movies to completely interrupt or eliminate score making which is what video games should be all about!
Fuck you people. Die.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Futurama takes place in the 31st century, NOT the 21st. The “Suicide Booths” were in the year 3008, not 2008. Correct me if I’m wrong.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
There’s one reason why you HAVE to respect the ‘mov, and it’s not his work. It’s those bad-to-the-ass sideburns. I shudder to think how awesome his pubes were.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I’ve figured out why Swaim hates Asimov the man. Not just his work, but the man himself.
Not enough boobs. No Arwen, no Seven of Nine. I think this is payback for making Swaim masturbate to Susan Calvin.
Therapy can only help you so much.
S.W.A.I.M. = Sorry for Whacking to Asimov In Middle school.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I’ll bet 90% of the Asimov haters here base there opinion on that steaming pile of dogshit Will Smith was in. Anybody who’s read the book can tell you that other than the title and that it contained robots it had NOTHING else in common with the book.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Just to reset the Asimov thing on behalf of the Asimov lovers, if I may be so bold.
I have a sense of humor (even though I do love me some robots). I love Swaim. I love Cracked. That’s why I come here, day after day.
But there’s such a fine line between clever and stupid. (Thank you Spinal Tap.)
To crack on how far off Asimov was, funny. To piss on the guy’s grave as if he was the grandfather who never remembered you at Christmas…well, that does not compute.
It doesn’t even work if you give Swaim the benefit of “Oh, he was just being super-ironic and you just don’t get it.”
So I was let down, and I commented on it. “Deal with it.”
December 29th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I used to think you were funny and literate Swaim, untill that unnecessary and unfunny crack at one of the best scifi writers, scratch that one of the best writers ever. Until you have written something as as epic and well regarded as the Foundation Trilogy you should stick to making fun of people on your own talent level, like Stephanie Myers. Just a hint, cracked tv won’t get you there.
December 29th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
“Teaching our children about sex will become slightly more difficult (although you could easily use a donut and hot dog), and we won’t get stung or shat on anymore.”
Mr. Swaim, you, sir, are a funny motherfucker.
That being said, in an effort to keep the current “feel” of the comments, here goes… Swaim! WTF is wrong with you, everyone knows it’s doughnut, not donut, you fucking maroon!
December 29th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
550,000 mph hour spaceship huh? That’s the funniest joke on the whole page.
December 29th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
*your (I’m tired…)
December 29th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
“Asimov was little more than a doddering, irrelevant old codger. ”
The guy solely invented the concept of ROBOTS. Admit it, you wish you could claim somthing as awesome from you’re existence…
December 29th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
drow arent the only thing that live in the underdark…
December 29th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Drow live in the Underdark…
I am such a nerd.
December 29th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I feel number 8 and number 5 should be together. Watching people use those electronic voting booths was so horrible, that I thought they were going to kill themselves before they completed their ballot.
We should just go back to writing our candidate’s names in the mud with sticks.
December 29th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
“I’m just waiting for Diebold to stop beating around the bush and declare itself Supreme Overlord in 2012. ”
According to The Onion, voting machines already elected on of themselves as supreme overlord.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/voting_machines_elect_one_of
December 29th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I think (because Futurama is my religion), that people have invented a suicide booth, but they are only marketing it in Turkmenistan to avoid an international incident. You can’t prove me wrong. A mixture of Swaim and Fry will descend from a golden elevator and protect me from your Zoidbergliness!
December 29th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I was going to say that and make him feel like a dick, but I showed restraint
December 29th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Futurama does take place in the 3000’s, yes. However, within the show’s continuity Suicide booths have been around since at least 2008. See this website:
http://futurama.wikia.com/wiki/Suicide_booth
December 29th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Or several vaginas and a penis. Maybe several penises growing out of several vaginas.
And a helmet that squeals “happy happy fun super astro time” in a little girl’s voice.
December 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
“If there’s one thing we can be sure of, it’s that the Japanese wouldn’t let a robot supersoldier step foot out the factory door without six hands, an equal number of depleted uranium-spitting miniguns, and an integrated all-region Toshiba DVD player.”
Don’t forget tentacles, spiky hair and several vaginas.
December 29th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
ps I gotta gree with Niv. Southland Tales made wild predictions about 2008, and it came out last year
December 29th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
You’re way off on #2, there are still tons of crappy teen drama shows on TV…perhaps you haven’t heard of the CW (which is totally understandable, with an average of 3 million viewers I can’t believe it exists)
Wouldn’t 90210 fit the discription: “Any show based on a show we already watched ten years ago “
December 29th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Swaim, I enjoyed this article. Who gives two vats of ape-shit if your FUTURAMA reference was accurate or if Mega Man was set in the year 2008? You made me laugh, and that’s what a COMEDY website is for.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
People like Asimov? Fuckin’ shit, i thought they were all just pretending, considering how much he sucks.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I like it. I am liking Swaim more and more lately. I think I have overcome my hatred of that terrible anagram.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
futurama is set in the year 3000 jackasses.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Comment Summary:
NEZU et al: ‘I can remember a statistic from my grade 10 physics class and regurgitate it on a comedy website, thereby looking (un)intelligent to complete strangers!’
ZASZZ: ‘I occupy my time by watching cartoons so much that I remember obscure details and then wait patiently for other people to misquote them so I can correct them!’
EXILE: ‘I am a big fucking idiot!’
That’ll be $20 for services rendered Swaim.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Holy shit, the “robot that can’t duck” part got me. I laughed, I cried, I spilled juice on my favorite pants. I LOVED THOSE PANTS.
Fucking Mega Man and his not ducking.
Also, the Asimov jokes were good. Get over it.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“I’m just waiting for Diebold to stop ***beating around the bush*** and declare …”
Priceless.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Birds and the bees = sex euphemism. Got it.
Asimov fanboys really can’t take a joke, or even understand what a joke is for that matter, or understand that the joke is on them. Well played Swaim.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Light travels 300 million Kilometers per hour (simple mistake I’m sure).
I enjoyed this.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
So in your unreasonable anger towards the author you accuse him of…. average intelligenceÉ
December 29th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
That “The most deadly Booth” pic was the best part. Sadly, that isn’t saying much; the rest was…sub par.
And thanks for the clarification, Swaimfan. That reference to a simple and common sex annalogy had me utterly stumped.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I thought “Doomsday” was great.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Oh, by the way, the worthless, antifunny imbecile that vomitted out this “list” probably thinks Asimov is a Myspace server, so spare him. You can’t expect trash like this, with its IQ of 100, to be able to compose anything remotely amusing.
December 29th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Is…is that a Fruit Fucker in the background of the Mega Man 9 box?
December 29th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
According to Monty Python’s Galaxy Song, light travels at exactly 12 million miles a minute (and that’s the fastest speed there is).
December 29th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Cool article. Aside from the semi-racist bad wording in #8.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
In 12 months, you’ll be praying for President Multivac, after obumbo turns your country into South Africa.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Err, light travels at around 670 million miles per hour, I haven’t got a CLUE where you get the idea it travels at 300 million miles per hour.
And Asimov as a “doddering, irrelevant old codger”? I’m sorry not every writer can be as “good” as Stephenie Meyer, who you no doubt worship. Guess the rest of us will have to stick with crap writers.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
The speed of light is closer to 670,608,000 MPH.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I actually saw Doomsday, released in 2008, and while the outbreak in the film happens in 2008 (we still have 2 days to go, so squeeze your asscheeks!), the larger part of the film happens 27 years later, in 2035.
And now I’ll go chastise myself for having seen it.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
oroburos, you say… niiice.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
speed of light is 300 million meters per second, not miles per hour.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
@ Zaszz
The article says there was a sign in a episode saying that the booths were legal SINCE 2008. What is it about that sentence that makes you think he’s saying Futurama is based in 2008?
Person Fail.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Hmm… with most economists predicting 2009 to be worse than 2008 (in terms of the economic crisis), Futurama might have been just a year off……
December 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Um number 5 is about futurama, which the plot is the main character gets cryogenic frozen in the year 2000 (new years eve too) and wakes up in the year 3000. The suicide booth is in the year 3000, not 2008. Article FAIL! Also that show is hilarious with the constant jokes about what happens between 2000-3000.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am
That Exile dude is a faggot. I wish I could bust a cap in his ass homes.
El Haz de leña estúpido que Jode. ¡Golpearía la mierda fuera de él!
December 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am
To Zaszz:
Quoting what I believe was the pilot, the first appearance of the mechanism in question: “Thank you for using Stop’n'Drop. America’s favorite suicide booth since 2008.”
*cough* Just thought I’d set you straight there, sport…because nothing makes you look sillier than saying an article fails because you don’t understand a show you apparently find “hilarious” but don’t watch.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I can’t find any source placing the original Mega Man as taking place in 2008, just “the 21st Century”
December 29th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Hey, does anyone remember the Ice Planet 2002 line of LEGO toys? According to that, Earth was supposed be an ice planet by 2002.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Stick to Star Trek, Exile. It must be a lonely time to be a ranting misogynist neo-con. Sucks to be you.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Twisteddigit:
Oroburos is an ancient symbol of a snake in a circle form where is it eating its tail. If I recall correctly (not wasting time to look this up) it’s a symbol of rebirth and eternity.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Oh my god, I’m falling asleep reading the cliffnotes of Asimov… I think some people missed the point of the joke.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Boo Hoo he said a mean hurtful thing about Asimov.
Not that funny though need either more dick jokes or boobs. Both would probably work, but not at the same time.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Did you actually read the Asimov story? The point isn’t that the US president is demographic average, but that he’s chosen by a single voter, who is the demographic average.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I agree with Clara. Why the hate on Asimov?
“Doddering, irrelevant old codger.” Huh? Cracking on people is funny when it’s true, or even has a hint of truth. This just comes off as being completely ignorant of the man and his work.
I would have preferred you cracked on just the story and not the man (as you did with Larry Niven). Then it would have stayed funny instead of making me want to hurl my coffee at you.
Asimov’s SF was used mainly as a setting for great detective stories (with the notable exception of the Foundation books). He wasn’t trying to be Nostradamus.
And he was one of the most prolific writers in history: non-fiction, scientific treatises, commentaries on the bible, etc.
Why don’t you kill H.G. Wells while you’re at it because we haven’t been invaded by big metal monsters yet?
December 29th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Who uses a phone booth? Idiot! You’re such and IDIOT!
And Exile is bitter.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Oh Exile, still playing the “OMG OBAMA IZ HITLUR” ranting nutjob in the cracked comment section? That is so two weeks ago.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I always thought the game said Mega Man takes place in the year “200X”? I could be wrong of course, maybe that was in one of the sequels.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:03 am
WTF does Oroburos even mean?
December 29th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Awwww…No Southland Tales?
December 29th, 2008 at 9:42 am
You used Oroburos in a cracked article. This is way to highbrow now.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Der Fuhrer Obama accurately represents the American people. Isn’t the average American, a stammering marxist who couldn’t put together a cogent sentence without a teleprompter? Doesn’t the average American have ties with racist preachers and terrorists? Isn’t the average American married to a radical feminazi who looks like Worf from Star Trek?
December 29th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Laaaame D:
December 29th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I wish Suicide Booths were real. Then maybe we might get lucky with people like Paris hilton getting confused and wonder in thinking its a phone booth.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am
By some bizaar New Zealand Time Warp my comment posted first (even though it was after Clara’s), therefore leaving me with my goal still to be attained.
Shit.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:38 am
4th!!
December 29th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Don’t. Insult. Asimov.
Otherwise, bloody good article.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I completely forgot about that.
Wily was supposed to attack a few days ago, on the 25th.
Man I should have remembered.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Woot the culmination of my life’s goal. 2nd comment. (I aim low)