Bigg Mixx -- Kellogg's Bigg Mixx
In 1990, Kellogg's had the industrious idea to mix all their cereals together and put them in one box. The result was Bigg Mixx, a flailing of sugar and artificial flavors that tasted like the inside of a fat person's mouth.
Bigg Mixx, the mascot, was an unnatural union of chicken, moose, wolf and pig parts. If Family Feud did a survey that asked: "Name an animal that shits in its own water supply" those would be the four answers on the board. Bigg Mixx is what happens when a scientist combines too much free time with too much animal sperm. If you were to look at this cereal monster's DNA under a microscope, you'd just see a drawing of yourself burning, signed by God.
This chimera abomination and his cereal only lasted for two years before being discontinued. Not because it had the flavor palette of bulimia, but because every time a Bigg Mixx delivery truck drove past a church, it unconsecrated the ground.
Peter Wheat -- Peter Wheat Bread
In 1948, Peter Wheat Bread started publishing a monthly comic about its corporate mascot, Peter Wheat, a creepy pope-hatted elf that wanted to be your pal. He's what babies see when you can't figure out why they're crying.
The weird thing about Peter Wheat is that he was awesome. He was a toddler the size of a pubic louse, and most of his world was made out of cupcake, but his adventures were sword-clashing killing sprees. He wasn't prancing through meadows and singing about the pep you get from enriched wheat flour. He was punching birds in the face and driving axes into hamsters. And there was no whimsy in his fighting style -- he was all business. Peter lived his life by a single code: Shut up and fight. The second any woodland fuck looked at him wrong, he drove the nearest object into its brain, never saying a word. Peter let the screams of his enemies do the talking.