10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children)

The Marketing Meeting:

"So, gentlemen, the 40th anniversary of our brand is coming up, and we want something snazzy, tasteful and BIG to commemorate the occasion, in loving memory of Mr. Redenbacher."

"How about we bring him back to life!"

"Oh, you mean like with CGI?"

"Eee... ye... yeah, that's exactly what I meant..."

The Result:

What the Fuck?

"Hello, I am Orville Redenbacher," as the beady eyed wax skin Orville Frankenstein monster lies to us from the very beginning.

Hello, I am an abomination against nature, and I am here to give you a heart attack.

The porcelain Orville, very much like a zombie, strikes fear into our hearts with its grotesque form which perhaps will be recognized by some that knew it in life, but that uneasy feeling of familiarity will only accentuate the horror of the creature's lifeless pale apparition and its dead glass eyes. Then, zombie Orville will try to sell you popcorn.

Now available in Plain, Butter and Human.

The people around the resurrected snack peddler seem as surprised and terrified to see him as we are. It's like no one told them this is a commercial, so among the gathered faces you can see any emotion ranging from cautious assessment of their own insanity, to downright fear:

Mr. Orville? But I heard you were...

Still, unlike most entries on this list, undead Orville actually takes the time to tell you something about his popped corn, saying how fluffy and light it is, but all of it is nullified when the marketing department input kicks in and the abomination starts jiggling to some modern "popular music" and proudly shits on the memory of its originator by exclaiming: "You'll like it better, or my name isn't Orville Redenbacher."

We assume at this point the lounge employees gathered around the dancing doppelganger abomination and struck it down once and for all.

THIS MADNESS ENDS NOW!

The Marketing Meeting:

Rob Zombie: Gentlemen, I am liking how things are going so far, we have basically licensed Halloween to every commodity possible, with the cat food arriving in stores next week... BUT, I feel we are not making a dent with the female demographic. Solutions?

Marketing guy: Mike Myers's electric facial zapping mask? We'll call it the "Rejuvenique" and sell it in infomercials.

Rob Zombie: Okay, but only if you make the ad about five times more disturbing than any of the films.

The Result:

What the Fuck?

Watching this thing with no sound at all, and just the woman in her featureless beauty mask, would qualify this ad for nightmare fuel. But add the song "You Are So Beautiful," to the background, and it takes it to a whole, new, ball-shriveling level.

Holy hell, that is one creepy... what exactly? Well, apparently, the Rejuvenique is an electric stimulator slash spare Halloween costume which uses metal bolts on the inside of the mask to zap your facial muscles and rejuvenate them, in a process which, in the scientific community, is known as The Frankenstein Principle, from the University of Gimmicky Bullshit.

Because putting electrical zappers on a psycho killer mask replica seemed like such a good idea...

And this piece of revolutionary merchandise is not only for the gals. Men worldwide, with that little vain psychopath inside of them, can also experience the pleasure of being electrocuted right in the face while sporting the Michael Myers look. Now, we are not psychologists or anything (at least according to the court system), but we do question the wisdom of equipping a man with a famed murderer look and then pissing him off by electrocuting his face.

Man, if it wasn't for this magazine to read, I would murder everyone in the house.

The most spectacular part of the commercial, however, is when it warns the potential customers that you should NEVER (written in blood red letters) get the Rejuvenique wet... while they show a character in a bathtub.

And just because we know people will be asking for it, you can buy the Rejuvenique here.

The Marketing Meeting:

"OK, Bill, what do you have for us with the Axe account?"

"Get THIS: There is this guy, and he gets turned into a chocolate golem and slowly eaten by a bunch of psychotic women..."

"Bill... let me... stop you right there. I don't think this is really what we are looking for."

"Well... fine. So, get THIS: The Ku Klux Klan is lynching this..."

"You know what, let's get back to the chocolate golem, I like it now."

The Result:

What the Fuck?

The commercial makes the rookie mistake from the get go by showing on-screen one of the side effects of the product it's advertising: Apparently Axe's cosmetics turn you into a chocolate monster which makes the Burger King look downright pleasant to the eye.

What the hell does this have to do with deodorant?

While strolling through the city, the monstrosity starts ripping off parts of his sweet fattening flesh and feeding it to random women, signaling another flaw with the product: Axe's deodorant might cause urges of self mutilation.

The obviously food deprived lot of females cannot control themselves and simply attack the poor creature on various occasions, taking bites of him whenever they feel like it (women... always trying to cannibalize you. Right, guys?). One of the girls actually goes as far and eats the creature's ass.

But you know what's even more disturbing here? So far, Chocostein has not appeared able to express any emotion other than the trauma inducing frozen grin; so for all we know, he might be screaming in horrible pain from the inside, begging for death.

The Marketing Meeting:

Sony employee #1: OK guys, we have a problem. Research shows people sometimes stop playing their consoles, for things like... wait, let me get my notes... food, urination and sleep. How do we fix that with the PS3?

Sony employee #2: We have to cut into their sleep time.

Sony employee #1: How do we make them not want to sleep?

Sony employee #2: Oh, you just leave that to me... you just leave that to me...

The Result:

What the Fuck?

So the commercial opens with a shot of a window and doorless white painted sterile room occupied only by an unplugged PS3 and a baby doll. If this surprises you even one bit, you obviously have just tuned in to the list.

Not pictured: anything unusual.

For those of you who always refused to stay alone in your grandmother's room with the army of porcelain dolls quietly looking at and judging you, your fears are finally justified when you get a look of the doll coming to life and stretching its arms out in anticipation of a hug. The urge you will feel to throw your monitor out the window is perfectly natural, as is the urine in your pants.

Mommy, why didn't you love me?

Then, the doll will laugh with the voice of an adult... after which it will start crying from its plastic, lifeless eyes. That sound you just heard was the last shard of your sanity bouncing off the floor of your skull.

And what commercial for a family console would be complete without that little dash of Satan in the mix? Near the end, you see the very reflection of Hell's flames in the living doll's eyes. Again, we wish we could tell you this is just our Photoshop Department fucking with you, but even they have limits (and we're talking about guys who once Photoshopped a naked Bea Arthur for us...).

This charming little piece of psychosis ends with the tagline "Play Beyond," which here can only mean "Beyond Sanity." Hey, that is a pretty good tagline. We will mention it to our shrink while we try to forget this happy memory.

The Marketing Meeting:

"So, Mr... Lu-ci-fer, is it?"

"Just call me Your Dark Lord."

"Well, your credentials are amazing, and we would love to have you on board."

"Glad to hear it. What will I be working on first?"

"You know, we have this one account which I think you would be perfect for."

The Result:

What the Fuck?

We are not entirely sure, but there is a possibility we just lost our immortal souls after watching this ad, though with us making a living off perverting young and promising minds on the Internet with dick jokes, it's really hard to tell.

Where is your God now?

The unholy commercial opens with a little girl turning the switch on her Baby Damns-You-Lot doll, unleashing a stream of rapid demonic laughter which fills the house. If you started to experience a burning sensation in your chest area, there is no need to panic, you are not having a heart attack. It's just your soul being consumed by the black flames of Hell.

Do I push here to pledge allegiance to Satan?

The siren call of the Legions of the Damned penetrates the minds of children nearby, making them gather around their new plastic master, their innocent yet undoubtedly condemned laugh mixing with the demonic cackle, ready to take orders.

Kill my parents? Sure!

And then, the narrator decides to join in on the psychological damage. In a manner which can be very generously described as "troubling," the voice-over guy starts talking about the product, pausing only for outbursts of increasingly more maniacal laughter which, no matter how you cut it, still sounds like a desperate plea for help. Almost as if the doll was watching him.

If you want to see that clip again, no need to click above. You'll see it every time you close your eyes.

Don't think the media is finished giving you nightmares just yet. Check out The 10 Most Terrifying Video Game Enemies of All Time and The 5 Most Unintentionally Scarring 80s Music Videos.