Every scientist dreams of a world without ethics. Whenever a scientist sees a set of twins, he or she secretly wonders what would happen if you surgically swapped their faces. They already have a chamber set up to harness the power of their screams as they gradually realize what has happened. Every day, ethics barely prevent experiments like this from being carried out.
But what if we didn’t have these ethics? When Nazi doctors were let loose during WWII, the incredible rate of their discoveries were matched only by the inadequacy of words to atone for them. They might have been monsters, but without them, we never would have discovered the yield elasticity of the elderly, or learned what part of a prisoner’s tongue detects the taste of angel meat.
The Sims 3 is computer game based on these Nazi scientists that offers us a world of moral ambiguity, free to perform psychological experiments away from the leering eye of ethics. Which is exactly what I did. Here are the results of my findings.
Creating the Patient
The main focus of my experiment is a man known as Subject Beef. An artificial intelligence created for the purpose of playing video games, he’ll find out that he’s also a cog in the unfeeling machine of psychiatric progress. Some people might get squeamish at the idea of torturing an AI just to write down what happens, but look at it this way: Any day now Japan is going to fuck up and finally build the robot that can make decisions and run on blood. As it starts tearing into my human people, the least I can do is make that an act of vengeance. Without me and this experiment, all that robot murder is going to just be senseless.
Body: I made him as fat as possible so I wouldn’t have to fit him with any kind of tracking collar. As long as I never turn my back to the smell of ham, he can never sneak up on me. Also, if the subject escapes, I can simply follow the trail of objects with bites taken out of them.
Accessories: In prison, a teardrop tattoo under your eye tells people that you’ve killed someone. Outside of prison, you say the same thing with clown makeup. Science has always wondered if it’s clown makeup that causes a person to commit murder, or if it’s murder that causes people to wear clown makeup. That’s one of the things we’re about to discover.
Personality: I went to six years of middle school, so I know proper scientific method requires a control group. I also know that knowing what this means is for fags, so I didn’t include one. Instead, I gave my subject unpredictable personality traits like Insane, Hydrophobic and Can’t Stand Art. This almost felt like cheating since it saved me the trouble of causing the subject to go crazy, so I evened the odds by giving him Genius and Computer Whiz. Now he has the tools to discover what he is and what I am doing to him. I got this idea from Star Trek where some asshole said the wrong thing in the hologram room and spent the rest of the episode fighting an evil super hologram.
The personality tools of The Sims 3 are very robust. I was able to select his favorite food as pancakes, and his favorite music as Kids. Finishing up, the game even gave me a list of Lifetime Wishes to select from, and one of them was, and I quote, “Creature-Robot Cross Breeder.” I picked the hell out of that. The idea of fusing robots and animals together sounds comically impossible, but that’s probably what some guy heard right before he invented anal beads.
Creating the Patient’s Roommate
No doctor in the world would look at Subject Beef and say, “Sure, go ahead and stand near that.” Unfortunately, his psych profile got mixed up with NBC’s fall comedy lineup, and his landlord signed a–record scratch–baby to the lease!
The baby was given only one personality trait: Brave. His favorite food is sushi and his favorite music is Latin. I knew it was only a matter of time before it was destroyed, so I wanted to name it after something I love. Since I never learned how to spell pizza, I decided to go with either slam dunks or Dolemite. I went with a combination of both, by naming him after a dunk by the Dolemite of basketball, Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins.
There wasn’t room to type in “The Chocolate Thunder Flying, Robinzine Crying, Teeth Shaking, Glass Breaking, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Wham Bam I Am! Jam,” so I settled on “Turbo Sexophonic Delight” or Turbo Sexophonic for short. I took one last look at him. As soon as the naming stops and the leaving-him-with-a-madman begins, he is so dead. But that’s probably what some guy said one minute before watching his friend invent gorilla anal beads, and two minutes before winning the Congressional Medal of Right.
Designing the Mental Institution of the Future
I constructed my asylum with the default Sims 3 tools, without the help of any mental institution expansion packs. This meant a little bit of improvisation.
1. Crappy Fence - Surrounding the compound is a non-electrified three-foot metal fence. This is more than enough to keep anything in the game from getting in or out; robots can’t climb. And if I’m wrong, I plan on repeating these as my last words while I hug my own legs at the top of a building being climbed by robots.
2. Computer - In the center of the off-limits computer yard is a single personal computer. Installed on this machine are all the secret codes and Internets an artificial intelligence would need to escape and Lawnmower Man out. It’s not password protected, but the on-switch is labeled “TRAP.”
3. Treadmill - A simple treadmill blocks the only entrance to the computer yard. The only way past is to jog faster than eight miles-per-hour on a zero degree incline. Or, to translate that into Fat, “IMPOSSIBLARG, WHERE IS THE TACO BAR.”
4. Cake - OK, I’ll join you in fantasy land. Say the subject somehow breaches the treadmill security–these birthday cakes will act as a secondary deterrent. With a man this size, four cakes only buys us a second. But a second is all I need.
5. Teddy Bear - This toy bear watches the treadmill from the safety of its little pants. It’s programmed to see everything and mock nearby failure.
6. Kitchen - The sink works, but the oven is only a toy. Opening it only makes the teddy bear on the other side of the wall snicker at you. He’ll fucking hate that bear.
7. The Refrigerator Canal - Knowing the subject has a fear of water, I installed a hallway with a water floor. If he wants something to eat, he has no choice but to flail and shriek across the pool for it. Teddy bears line each wall, their ceaseless gaze judging him.
8. The FunZone - The only way to enter the FunZone is down the FunSlide. There is no way to exit the FunZone. It is completely and unsafely surrounded by propane barbecues and contains toys and games for up to one toddler.
9. Toilet Alarm - This is a state-of-the-art alarm system set to go off any time someone uses the outdoor and only toilet. It speaks 25 languages, and unlike my computerized medical subject, is programmed never to betray me.
10. The ToiletZone - Flanked by 15,000-watt search lights, the outdoor toilet comes equipped with an audience of gnomes. To add to the shame, a yellow arrow on the ground helps subtly draw the eye towards any men in clown makeup who might be shitting outside under spotlights and sounding alarms.
11. The Isolation Chamber - A simple booth of mirrors from which there is no escape. The walls will bring your reflection with them as they close in on you.
Experiment One: Observation Without Interference
I moved my subject and his young companion into the compound. Left to his own devices, the inmate went straight for the food but couldn’t gather the courage to swim across the pool to the refrigerator. Trying to look like he intended to do it all along, he picked up one of the sentry bears. I tried to make him eat it, since it’s what a coward deserves, but the only option was renaming it. Very well. Dark Lord the teddy bear, meet Subject Beef, the pussy.
I soon learned there was a flaw in my design schematic. The wall of propane barbecues wasn’t baby proof, and Turbo Sexaphonic squeezed right through them. Subject Beef stood over the toddler and, to its delight, chose to speak to him through the Dark Lord. He did this for 14 hours without interruption. Then he put the doll down and walked directly through a barbecue for no other reason than to show me he could. The sun was setting on day one, and the three of them already seemed to be making progress on an escape plan.
Experiment Two: Saw II
How far would you go to survive? Subject Beef had to make a choice–cross his deadliest enemy, a pool, for food, or let his metabolism eat his body down to a recognizable shape and slow death. He was content with option B, so I clicked the wall of gas stoves that recently replaced the very pregnable barbecues and told him to make food for himself and the baby.
He ignored this command, so I ordered him to Talk to Self, hoping he’d be more convincing.
He had a violent conversation with no one, changed into hot pants, and jumped in the pool. While shouting the international symbol for “I am drowning,” he swam across for macaroni and cheese. This experiment showed us two things: 1) survival instincts are more powerful than phobias; and 2) diapers are not to be used with macaroni and cheese. I’d like to see you try to prove either of those with ethics.
Experiment Three: Revenge of the Hydrophobe?
Observation: Subject Beef eats all his meals on the toilet, his body acting like a steady pipeline of disaster. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it’s almost like he’s trying to get back at water.
Experiment Four: Memory Test
While the test subject had dinner boiling on the stove, I interrupted to issue an order for him to go kick over a gnome. It was a test to see if his absurd surroundings were having any effect on his short-term memory. They were. With the adrenaline rush of the fresh gnome kill, he forgot all about his dinner, now a roaring wall of flame. His artificial behavior circuits analyzed the situation and selected “panic.”
The baby was trapped safely away from his aimless panic inside the burning ring of ovens. Also, trapped safely away from the fire was the local fire department, whose robot brains could only watch the facility burn from the other side of the tiny but robotically unbreachable fence. How did they get there so quickly? Well apparently there’s a malfunction with my compound’s toilet alarm that causes it to go off during fires. I may have to reread the directions on some of this equipment.
Experiment Five: A Glitch in the Matrix
After the fire burned itself out, a child services woman named Linda Duran magically appeared and sent Turbo Sexaphonic away. My experiments were going badly enough without interdepartmental meddling. To make matters worse, the government’s demonic use of sorcery went haywire when facing off against my fence technology. The toddler was warped away, but Linda was stuck.
Pinned to one spot, she refused to interact with Beef or me, almost as if the game forgot she was there. But Beef still knew. He refused to use the bathroom from the moment she arrived. He howled a picture of a toilet at her over and over, and she responded by staring through him until his bladder detonated where he stood.
Just to fuck with us, she showed she could move the whole time, and turned her back to give Beef privacy while he mopped up his shame. I’ll have to watch out for this woman… she’s pushing his fragile mind in directions I don’t have protocols for. Speaking of, since the government took the child away, I began removing toys from the home while Beef sleeps. I want him to think that maybe the kid was never there to begin with, which seems like an inadequate mind game now that ghosts are forcing him to pee on himself.
Experiment Six: The Cleansing Fire
Our anomaly Linda glitched more or less peacefully through the compound for a day and, despite her only partial existence, she could still smell Subject Beef, and pantomimed disgust whenever he passed near her. Fear of water and a thin layer of smoldering urine are a bad combination of traits to have near a bitch ghost.
Remember, I programmed Beef to be a genius and a computer whiz, so he figured out a way to get rid of her when I couldn’t: deliberately starting a house fire. Linda and nearly everything in the facility was destroyed by flame, except for the immaculate toy oven in the kitchen. It’s so not an oven that it couldn’t even start a fire while an inferno crawled over it. It’s so not an oven that its momma has to brown toast with a paint roller! It’s so not an oven that it thinks a pilot light lets you read while you fly the plane!
Experiment Seven: Fractures in Timespace
I might have overestimated my ability to control this world. The gateless fence continues to wreck havoc on the lives and intentions of the other artificial intelligences in the game. The neighborhood paper girl appeared by the toilet for only a moment to howl from between worlds and vanish.
Experiment Eight: Isolation
If I was a scientist in the real world, I wouldn’t be allowed to keep filling endangered species with different smokeless propellants until I found the one that ignites from inside a panda. But in the Sims 3, if I want to test a floor sealant, there’s no regulation against forcing a fat clown into a mirrored booth where he watches himself wet his pants to death.
I found that there is also no regulation on the human spirit, even a video game simulation of it. Day after day went by, and Subject Beef stood in that booth and refused to die. He babbled at the mirrors, glared at a bunny painting when I told him to, and every two minutes he would try to perform an activity described as “Contemplate Surroundings.” I had my finger on the trigger to click that away as quickly as possible. If he figures a way out of this, I fully expect him to be standing behind me in my world. I designed the booth to be inescapable, but I don’t trust that word anymore.
I noticed that four of the gnomes in charge of watching him on the toilet had left their post to surround his isolation booth. I don’t remember doing this, b-but I must have, right?
Experiment Nine: The Effects of Torture on the Afterlife
The subject survived over six days, his time, inside the booth with no water, food or sleep. The strange thing is that at the moment of his death, he still had a full Fun Bar, which is technical jargon for a bar that computerized beings use to measure how much fun they’re having. What did he enjoy about his slow starvation in a vertical coffin? I’ll tell you one thing: If it’s not the idea of killing me, then I’m a shitty scientist.
The Grim Reaper descended onto the corpse and made him into a ghost, which did wonders for the 380 pounds of baby fat he was still carrying. The slimmer, undeadier Subject Beef floated through the smoldering ruins of his former prison, and as I turned the game the fuck off, already shouting out the window for a priest to reconsecrate the pox placed upon my computer… I could have sworn for a moment that I saw Linda.
Experiment Ten: Attempting to Recreate the Experiment
When you create a Sim, it records a copy of them. This allowed me to go back to the menu and start the game over with a fresh genetic clone of Subject Beef and Turbo Sexaphonic. With science marching along next to me, I moved them into the burned-out, haunted remains of my old facility to recreate our grand experiment. What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It’s like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 11th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 15th, 2009 at 5:33 am
This is freaking amazing.
Best. Experiment. Ever.
November 14th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
This is the most facinating/hilarious experiment ever.
God I hope computers can’t feel.
November 14th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Epic. This will haunt my dreams.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
…awesome XD
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
This is the best thing on Cracked.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:08 am
you’re sick..but in a GOOD way…
October 25th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Today was my fourth time reading this article. Each time I’ve laughed so hard that tears started pouring out of my eyes and I practically fall out of my seat.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I absolutly love this. Pretty inspiring I must say (:
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
That was trucking hilarious.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
The Star Trek episode he mentions is “Elementary, Dear Data” and the asshole is Geordi LaForge.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:41 am
You are a legend! Awesome!!!
October 13th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I attempted my own psychological experiment. My test subject (prisoner #2048852) decided the best course of action was to work out on one of several treadmills I set up before setting fire to the 2 by 2 foot room with the oven in. Things sort of went according to plan from there, seeing as the plan was insanity and death.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
This was simply amazing.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:37 am
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September 29th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Now speak through Dark Lord!
September 19th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Shit. I wish Sims 3 worked on my computer.
Now I’m going to go and psychologically destroy a family in Sims 2. Toodles!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am
That’s so messy man… I loved it.
Can you do another one? Make it a series. I never played Sims, but I’m sure there are some equally fucked psychoses in there.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:51 am
awesome.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
hilarious
simply hilarious
September 14th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Funniest thing in cracked i have ever read!!! LMAO!!!
September 12th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
This article made my brain tingle with evilness as I read it. It was so brilliant I recreated it myself with the exact same…well…everything! Subject Subwoofer (my name for him) picked up one of the bears ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL and got stuck, and I probably would have left him there to die clutching the poor bear in his greasy little arms if it didn’t look so pathetic that he couldn’t even wet himself cause of that darn bear. The clone, on the other hand did almost exactly what yours did. Dug through the garbage for about 12 hrs then repeatedly swims back and forth across the pool for 26 hrs trying to figure out how to eat.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Easily the one of the funniest articles on this website. I wish I would have had the imagination to come up with a crazy scheme instead of making a shitty fat-faced version of myself (and the only worthwhile thing my Sim seemed to be programmed to do was start fires and break toilets). I look forward to your future posts
September 5th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
This made me laugh so hard it hurt……please, please do another experiment!
September 5th, 2009 at 1:48 am
The strange thing is that at the moment of his death, he still had a full Fun Bar—that’s insane….it’s funny but I feel sadistic though
August 31st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
lmao I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Oh my god. Do another one.
August 31st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
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August 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Amazing
this was so hilarious. I play The Sims 3 a lot, and this made my day.
August 30th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Very funny stuff. If you can some how capture this on youtube, and add some audio commentary…. It would be internet gold. …maybe.
August 28th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Well if you’ve been doing it since sims 1 why the hell didn’t you write a humorous article stating your amusing antidotes and experiments? huh?
August 28th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I’ve been doing this since sims 1. original.
nothing to see here.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:53 am
this was the most amazing thing i think i have ever read in my entire life, thank you soooooo much!
relle, you made my life. hahah.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:00 am
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August 27th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Seanbaby
I grew up with your comedy, always reading your column in EGM. It was always fucking hilarious. It’s great to see that you’re still a goldmine of phil collen-hating game-playing comedy.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:16 am
This article was fantastic - it made me go out immediately and borrow a copy of Sims III, wherupon, i reproduced your experiment with a couple of notable inclusions:
1) Subject Beef developed an obsessive teeth-cleaning habit, possibly as a coping mechanism for all the accumulating trash around the house.
2) The sink broke as a result of his hours of continuous usage, resulting in it constantly leaking for days, and several times he collapsed in the pools of water with exhaustion after hours of mopping.
3) The first time I reloaded the game, Subject Beef appeared OUTSIDE the compound; from there, he made his way down the road to the local swimming pool (hydrophobe??) where he ate a hamburger off the floor, then caught a taxi BACK TO THE COMPOUND and begged to be let back in…
August 26th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I have no words for the awesomeness that has just passed into my brain……AMAZING.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Laughed harder than I have in months. Tears rolling down my face, I’m turning blue- WELL DONE/
I only wish my computer was savvy enough to play something more advanced than the Sims 1.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:23 am
My neighbors down the hall must have heard me laughing at this one. Totally brilliant.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
This made my fucking week, i laughed continuesly all through it, great article, 20/10
August 25th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I
love
you.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
oh shit…. T.T that is fucking twisted, insane, fucked up, and I want to hug you. I’m gonna try to out-mad scientist you. O.O I can see the possibilities.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
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August 25th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
You are my hero..sigh…what a legend.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
LMFAO! Bravo…
August 25th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
This was too freaking funny! And I thought I was evil with my sims. HA!
August 25th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Wait a minute…. You never learned how to spell Pizza, but you typed it in here….
DEVIL!!!!
August 25th, 2009 at 9:28 am
oh my fucking god i haven’t laughed this hard in years
August 24th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Shrink wrappers…
Many technological developments will give you, the customer, real advantages – using less film, using less energy and running faster production speeds reliably…
August 24th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
In order to validate this experiment, it must be copied by other ’scientists’. I suggest each of the commenters here follow the formula you’ve set out.
August 24th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Nice work!
The whole thing (main character included) reminded me of HOTEL: http://www.hoteloscartangoecholima.com/splash.html
August 24th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Bravissimo. I applaud your work and encourage more variations of this particular experiment. I advise you replicate the circumstances of Oh Daesu in the Korean film, Oldboy.
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
So fucking funny. I am crying, I am laughing so hard. Brilliant.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:42 am
secondary note: also must remove dicks from ass while typing intensely awkward messages to writer that clearly will not ever read them.
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
As well known as the adage “the act of observation changes that which is observed,” it’s cousin is even more important. “The act of observation changes those who observe.”
I believe you may find that you have lost your mind…permanently.
Did you move those gnomes? Are you sure? 100% positive? *smiles worryingly*
I must do more experiments on this Project Seanbaby…note: add more paranoia inducing paraphernalia into environment.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:26 am
First the door to my apartment was unlocked and open when i came home.
Now I’m bewildered about being the only person ever who didn’t enjoy this article.
I’m a little worried about the new medication i started today.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
holy shit
why didnt i think of doing this
the next chance i get to play my Sims 3
im doing that
August 21st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I almost pissed myself laughing at this. You’re my fucking hero (and you’re paying for my gut transplant from laughing so hard.) Now while you clean up my piss-stained couch, I’m buying Sims 3.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:10 am
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August 20th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
holy cryp!
this is the hardest ive laugh in such a long time
how did you come up with this stuff
you are too kool lols
fence tech(in a computer game) > everything
i shall have to make a new experiment and further your research
and science is not poop it is good, just not in the humane or nice sort of way
August 19th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
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August 19th, 2009 at 3:53 am
W.T.Fuck
that was by far the hardest i have laughed in weeks and it is 7:50 am and i haven’t been asleep yet. i’ve spent the last twenty minutes of my life rolling on the couch in front of the computer choking on cheeto’s crunchys trying to stop seizing long enough to scroll down to the next leg of the experiment. congratulations
August 17th, 2009 at 7:26 am
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
that was absolutely hysterical. Bravo.
i only wish i could be as morbid and torturous as you are.
hahahah.
August 15th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
You have to do more of these! It is amazing. Psychological experiments with no moral or ethical repercussions? I’m so trying this.
August 15th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Oddly enough, this was almost exactly what i would do whenever i played a Sims game.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:03 am
This is pure genius. I totally have to do something like this now.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Dear Lord. This is hysterical. Well done.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I love you.
August 12th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
freaking amazing!!
August 12th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
that was freaking epic. loved it
August 10th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Uuh–
Auh hah hah hah hah hah haaa*choke* *sputter*
August 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I was crying laughing…. just awesome
August 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
So, wait, why was Turbo Sexaphonic there? Did he have a purpose other than to have a cool name that is now stuck in my head? Poor kid, I’ll adopt him.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:02 am
You are my Saviour. you inspire so many young and enthusiastic scientists to be creative. May you have eternal happiness.
GOD BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!!!!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
yo my dude ur insaine…. but gotdamm that shyt was hellve funny… u should work for the goverment they might give u millions for this…lol all in all funny stuff …. havent seen shyt like this before and u get the thumbs up hommes
dre k-47
August 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Oh WOW. That was absolutely hilarious. THANK YOU!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I may love you. That is the most awesome thing I have ever heard of.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:44 am
You sir need to be awarded some kind of prize… Here is some internets… +100 internets
August 2nd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I laughed so hard I was crying. Being an avid Sims player (I don’t own 3 yet, but it’s just a matter of time) I was familiar with the glitches and demon possessions of which you speak. And was trying not to wet myself as you spoke of them in such an honest ’scientific’ manner.
You are hilarious! Loved reading your stuff. Thanks for making the last 5 minutes (maybe 10 with the laughing) the funniest few minutes I’ve had all day.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:27 am
Hey, just wanted to let you know that I just got done reading your story. I think it is great that you are so creative, and I can’t wait to read more of your other posts.
Good Job!
Haha, when I play the Sims, I always make them gay, even though I am straight, I get a kick out of it for some sick reason.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I almost laughed as much as when I read Boatmurdered for the first time.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:57 am
in all of my days, never have i laughed this hard. i was offered an inhaler, CPR, and a slap to the face. thanks… really enjoyed the column…
July 30th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Funniest thing ever.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
[...] the way, if you haven’t read Seanbaby’s Cracked.com article Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with The Sims 3 you owe it to yourself to check it out. I found it… [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 6:57 am
oh man, i must say this is simply fantastic
July 28th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
The best Cracked article ever. It’s intresting to me that Subject Beef killed himself after remembering his past life……
July 28th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Best Cracked article ever. No doubt a classic.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:21 am
lmfao lmfao lmfao lmfao i love you
July 26th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
lol, this reminds me of when i ran my own experiments on sims 2. such as filling a house with babies and setting it on fire…. this led to a discovery. apparently babies are fire proof!. also all the other dead bodies of parents went on to become ghosts who literally drove my next family insane. good times
July 26th, 2009 at 9:23 am
This NEEDS video! I would be laughing my ass off if I watched Linda phase into reality for a moment and disappear.
July 26th, 2009 at 1:50 am
I tried to recreate this experiment in Sims 3 recently.
I followed everything you had done step-by-step, but he just ran straight for the trash can, messed around with it for several days and then he just dropped dead.
July 25th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
You should use the sims video tools to record the experiment, then post it.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:38 am
This reminds me about a mod for the Sims 2 that allows you to grill/eat babies!
Look it up on youtube.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
the sims franchise should be paying you… now i’m gonna run out and buy it. since i have no life of my own i can replicate it on a damned expensive life simulator! awesome!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am
i’m back muhhahahahaah
July 24th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Genius, dude. This entertained the crap out of me. Best. Experiment. Ever.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
Read this at work and had to suppress laughter so hard that I cried. Awesome, awesome, awesome.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
This is soo awesome! I really want to go out to eb games and buy sims 3, i want to do the same thing with the asylum! kudos to you sean.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:35 am
i did this experiment in a real ‘asylum’ over the last 2 weeks and was surprised to find that the outcome was exactly the same as in your article, except for the bit at the end where you brought them back, and also a police officer came to see what was going on and my subject beef killed him and fed him to the baby
July 20th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I’m naming my firstborn Turbo Sexaphonic
July 19th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
This has been the only time I was ever entertained by The Sims, and I thank you for it.
July 19th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Fucking awesome. I love the amount of deviousness that this guy put into each experiment, as well as the crazy-ass nature of the wole thing, what with ghosts and stuff.
July 19th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Amazing. Simply win.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Turbo Sexaphonic must be the most insanely hilarious name ever
July 18th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Fricking awesome! Makes me want to go out and get Sims 3. I’m still on Sims 2. Freaks the bejesus out of me when the AI characters stare at you through the monitor like they know you’re there. I have a feeling I’m going to have freaky dreams tonight thanks to this article…
July 18th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
[...] level, titles like The Sims 3 (with its ability to create such a variety of user experiences from comedic sadism to a compelling look at extreme poverty) would make my list. Even though they don’t [...]
July 15th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I have that game, I’m recreating that experiment. It was the narration that made this comedy gold, though. Kudos…
July 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
That was freaking awesome. I had never thought about doing something like this before, but now I am going to try it. It just sounds like lots of fun!!!
July 15th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Wow. That was great. I literally fell off my chair laughing.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:19 am
havent cried myself with laughter in a long time, great job
July 13th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Amazing. This makes me want to go buy Sims 3. Seriously, go into marketing for the Sims 3.
1. Join marketing
2. Put this in Sims 3 advertisements.
3. ???
4. Profit.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
genius!
This has so much win that if I try to describe it…(head explodes)
July 12th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
This is freaking hilarious.
So hilarious that I have began to keep my own logs of experiments.
I have concluded that a sim can never truly be broken. Their mind will never truly collapse.
I set one inside a room with the ghosts of his former friends(He did have an artificial life) and he thought nothing of it, he acted in the exact same way as the sim I put inside a maze with no exits.
July 11th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
This article inspired me so much to install my copy of the sims 3 again to recreate the experiment and go further. trp a person in the computer room that hates technology and is a bit of a dumbass. Then keep it going untill the house is filled with clone ghosts. Thank you for gettin me to play my sims all over again.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
This was… HILARIOUS!
If I ever get the chance to buy The Sims 3, I’m definitely going to try this.
July 10th, 2009 at 6:28 am
[...] interesting. It sort of says as much in the title. I mean, I don’t waste my time playing the Sims, you know? Why would I want to read about these people doing what I’m [...]
July 9th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I couldn’t stop laughing after the introduction.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Can you really od stuff like that in Sims 3? If you really can do most of this then I may just have to get it, just to see what I can do to people.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
This is the most amazing sims article I have ever read, and I’m very glad to say Good Job.
Lol.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I NEVER comment on articles. Yours is the exception. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to throw up, and the random bouts of laughter coming through my room at 11:30 at night probably made my elderly grandmother nervous… lol!
July 8th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
fuck. This is the funniest article on this site. I hope Seanbaby reads this and feels accomplished because he deserves it.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Nice one.
Anything that tears into the sims is good enough in my book
July 7th, 2009 at 1:34 am
That was fucking hilarious. XD
July 6th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I didn’t find this funny, but it was very interesting. Nice job!
July 5th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
This article made me mad… that I hadn’t come up with the idea first. Amazing! I actually spit coke at the screen from laughing.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I thought this was very entertaining
as a simmer… I laughed quite a few times
July 5th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
This really wasn’t funny to me.
Interesting, but not funny.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
bwahahhaha amazing
July 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
that was shit
i was told “read it its hilarious”
its not.
July 4th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Very enjoyable. I’m definetly going to copy this work in my own game. Remember: Copying is the finest form of flattery.
July 4th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Fucking brilliant.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Oh my science, that was funny.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
i dont care what anyone says your the best writer on here
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Crying with laughter
i think Will Wright should pay you royalties on the number of people who would never have touched a sims game before reading this!
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:53 am
Between this and the Yahtzee review of the Sims 3, I think I might give the game a new chance… Try something out of the ordinary with a new sim.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 am
26 tombstones. Thats my personal record. At least until i got bored.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
japan already made a fuel cell that runs on blood. hows THAT for creepy?
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
damn this is one of the funniest articles i’ve read on cracked
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Nothing the SIMS series or any of their clones has ever done has made me even vaguely consider getting a copy of the game. You may have just sold it to me. And I have a strange craving for pickles. That may be unrelated.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Lol that HAD to be THE funniest shit I’ve read, and re-read, in months. Keep it up Seanbaby.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. Maybe months. I’m dehydrated from the tears.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
That was so funny! This just makes me want to game more so I can try experiments similar to that.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
You make a very interesting point about clowns… *shudder*
Fascinating experiment. I would be curious to see what others you might be running.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
That’s hilarious!
June 29th, 2009 at 8:22 am
I want to get this game even more now. You sir, are fucked up, but funny as hell
June 29th, 2009 at 7:14 am
LOL this is hilarious!!
June 28th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
This was… one of the most funny things I’ve ever seen being done to The Sims. Thank you for these entertaining minutes. You’re awesome.
June 28th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
LMFAO the last part was the best.
This article made my day.
June 28th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
This is freaking awesome, kudos to you sir, kudos indeed!
June 28th, 2009 at 6:06 am
These are the rockening experiments.
June 27th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
This is hilarious. I have to recreate this experiment.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:46 am
This was disturbing but very enjoyable. If you try it a 3rd time does the sim commit suicide again?
June 26th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa, don’t make fun of my game!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Actually, you remind me of the AI called Durandal, having few ethics or caring for humans, manipulating and observing them just for the joy it brings him.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
That experiemnt frightens and amuses me. Now I kinda want to get Sims 3 so I can start some experiments of my own, but I’m also kinda scared to.
@Sidheed — If you’re okay with joking about a world without ethics why do you take such exception to joking about Nazis? Surely an entire world without ethics would bear many more atrocities than we’ve seen in ours. It seems you’re just objecting for objection’s sake.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Absolutely brilliant, now I have a reason to use the actual life simulator aspect of that game!
June 24th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Sidheed -
Thank the gods that your opinions of “good taste” aren’t worth a rat’s ass here or anywhere else.
Grow up and get over it.
Seanbaby - keep up the good work.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I wish I was as cruel as you do to this in any Sim Game. This was great!
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I usually don’t like the non list-based humor on Cracked… But I almost pissed myself reading that. From laughter that is, not because Linda was here….
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
HILARIOUS!
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 am
[...] Exploring the Mysteries of the mind with Sims 3 [...]
June 21st, 2009 at 11:52 pm
I am really sorry in a way I see where this person is going, but sorry Nazi’s are not a subject I find very palletable. Fine a world without ethics, but there was no need for the nazi reference and as one of the grandchildren of a holocust survivor I find it in extremely poor taste and think it is the last thing you should be citing as humorous.
My family were in the experiments you are citing and I do not find your references to them appropriate
Just my opinion but kind of not cool guys.
June 21st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Wow. And I’m not just saying wow beacause I’ve been doing similar experiments for the last 4 hours. Truly wow.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
That was seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. I’m in tears
June 21st, 2009 at 4:58 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/exploring-the-mysteries-of-the-mind-with-the-sims-3/ in reply to NowGamer_Dan [...]
June 21st, 2009 at 1:17 am
Wow seanbaby, that was fucking hilarious. I almost put all of my friends on speakerphone and read it aloud.
June 20th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
holy fucking shit, that may have been the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internets. I’m literally sitting here crying.
Amazing.
June 20th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
LMAO. Wow. This is amazing.
My brother does random experiments with the Sims, too. Haha.
June 20th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Wow. That refrigerator canal looks dangerous…
June 19th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Why did I never think of this?
I am not a genius like dear Beefy is.
Hilarious.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
good lord
that was fucking hilarious.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:19 am
[...] If you only read one thing from the Roundup this week, make it this mind-torture experiment that Seanbaby performed on some Sims. [...]
June 19th, 2009 at 5:30 am
funniest fucking article ever. i want the sims 3.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I laughed my ass off.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Thanks a fucking lot, seanbaby. Now I’m gonna end up blowing money just to buy this game. GAAAAAAAHHHH.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am
This was one of the best things i’ve seen ever! Please do more experiments!
June 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
If you guys liked reading that, you should take a look at “Alice and Kev”, a similar Sims 3 experiment with homeless Sims. It’s a story that has made me laugh and cry, it’s simply amazing.
http://aliceandkev.wordpress.com/
June 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
This was AMAZING.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:56 am
Oddly, this is one of the most informative and to-the-point reviews of Sims 3 I have read so far.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:35 am
i literally lost my mind. maybe the first time something ive read caused me to actually laugh out loud. well done good sir. well done.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
It was somewhat, ok.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
LOL I was lmao ing the whole time. This is disturbing stuff
June 16th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I keep rereading this and laughing so hard and cry. Best thing I have read in a long time, thank you. Now…to get over the embarrassment and purchase this clearly awesome game ^_~
Kudos. You know this kicked ass…but we all deserve a little ego-stroking now and then.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
OH MY GOD. Quite possibly the best and funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site. Laughed my ass off.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
that was so funny!, i haven’t laughed that hard in a long time
June 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I don’t get it
June 16th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
this is so sick. and fucked. and funny.
but you knew that.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I have never laughed so hard on Crakced before.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
This was the sickest, best thing ever. I want to buy sims to conduct experiments like this too!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
OH
MY
GOD
I laughed until the tears came. And then I laughed until I snorted. Then I stopped because my girlfriend was staring at me like I had become an insane hydrophobic clown.
Too damn funny!
June 16th, 2009 at 11:56 am
everyone at work is looking at me because i am laughing hysterically…
this was way too funny
June 16th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I’ve read this like 9 times all the way through and I swear I bust out laughing everytime. I make fun of my friend playing this game, but this article has actually tempted me to buy it and mimic your insanity.
Nothing better than in the old sims game then lock your sim in a room with no doors/windows/escape and with an espresso machine. Ahhh, death by pissing themselves!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Ahaha, this is brilliant! Reminds me of the far less-detailed psychological experients I used to perform in the original Sims! I’m actually considering purchasing this new version now so I can get back to work again. Best article I’ve read by you in ages. Thanks for the laughs.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Long ago, in the days of Original Sims, I gave myself the power to “purchase” fire. I decided that I needed a house with a graveyard full of child-ghosts so I made a bunch and burned them. Seriously disturbed myself with that one.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:10 am
rummaged through the garbage for 25 hours, had flashbacks, crawled into pool to accept looming fate… [priceless./..
31337
June 16th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Haaa. I’m a bit sleep-deprived right now and trying really hard not to wake anyone up with my shrieks of laughter. Funny article, man!
June 16th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Dude, Wtf. That is so fucked.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:41 am
June 16th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Not only can I not breathe, but I have tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing so effing hard. Especially since I just spent the last few hours playing sims3. Freaking awesome.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
ahh… reminds me of the time when I investigated the psychological effects having a pool, with a springboard but no exit ladder. The simulated minds appeared to not be able to compute forward enough so they got stuck and drowned, even the neighbours…
June 15th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I am definately gettin the sims 3 (buying it/illegally pirating it/whatever) just so i can follow in your footsteps
June 15th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
AVor- you can suck a fat gorilla cawk
This was hilarious
end. of. story.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Oh, dear. You’ve given me a new idea. Friggen hilarious, by the way. Major kudos for probably being the first person to name a pixel-baby Turbo Sexophonic.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
One of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Beyond awesome, can’t wait to play the game myself. PLEASE TELL ME YOU’LL BE DOING MORE!
June 15th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Congratulations: fucking hilarious!
June 15th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I laughed so damn hard I cried all over my keyboard. I ran out of breath from laughing so hard. Well done!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Boring and stupid. Not funny and Sims sucks ass.
You’re a horrible writer, find a new job.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
This game sucks.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I think I shat my pants…can you study me?
June 15th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
moments after reading this article, i vomited in the bathroom sink (i couldn’t even make it to the toilet).. it should be noted that i’m very very very hungover and i had just attempted to eat the only seemingly edible thing in my apartment–a week-old box of Long John Silver’s “Lobster Bites.” so it might not be fair to say that i vomited BECAUSE of the article……. but i figure seanbaby might like to know about it anyway
June 15th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Was everyone really laughing that hysterically while reading this article o.0?
Having played Sims myself and recognizing some of the ways you can torture your creations, it was kind of cute, I guess.
Was ok, but really not all that funny.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
hardest i’ve laughed in a looong time. god damn that was hilarious
June 15th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Absolutely brilliant. I don’t remember the last time a Cracked article made me laugh this hard.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Please tell me there will be more of these
June 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Oh my god.
Seanbaby you are a completely fucked up comedic genius. That was hilarious.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Loved it! I laughed so hard I fell of my bed!! My mom thought I was nuts
June 15th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
now I want Sim 3! I’ll always fondly remember my lesbian power couple from the first Sims, one forged a life of crime the other tried to make it in politics…love kept them together…but neither of them ever bacame mayor
June 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Oh my god! I was laughing so hard I was friggen wheezing. I haven’t done that since I was like, 8. Dude, you’re friggin hilarious.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:29 am
HAHA! That’s freakin’ awesome! I had to send that to my best friend. She’ll like it as much as I did.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
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June 15th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I think this is the hardest I have laughed in my entire life.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:51 am
*ROTFLMAO* MAN … that was HILARIOUS! :O) Especiall the last bit. Did he REALLY climb into the pool and drown?! BAHAHHAAH!!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:47 am
when you were talking about a lady from child services, a guy urinating himself, and screaming about toilets… it really took me back.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
This article has struck fear into my heart! FUCK! want more!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Please, please, PLEASE write another one of these? This article is pure gold!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
This is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a long time. (Signs petition to do another Sims 3 experiment)
June 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
haha best article
my stomach hurts like hell from laughing to much 
u have inspired me to go and buy this game and do the same thing, but maybe worse
June 15th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Seanbaby whatever you do, PLEASE do another one of these experiments. This was hilarious!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:15 am
This is just part 1 of a series right?
RIGHT?
please?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:05 am
It was only a clown. It got what it deserved.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Oh man… I’m crying, my stomach hurts, and the people I work with are looking at me like I’m insane. That was a fantastic article.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:35 am
This was hilarious. Laughed so hard I actually teared. That is a f**king sick experiment by the way.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:24 am
From the second paragraph on (especially “angel meat”), I laughed so hard I had to take a break to wipe the tears away and massage the pain in my gut and sides of my mouth. Thanks for setting the bar so high for your fellow Cracked writers.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Oh thats just too funny. my head hurts so bad from laughing now
June 15th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Probably the funniest article I’ve read on Cracked so far. I laughed until I cried, then I laughed some more.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I was literally crying with laughter by the time I was half way through. I didn’t want this to end. Excellent !!
June 15th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Seanbaby taking the role of AM for “I have no mouth and I must scream”. I am glad that Beef has found escape in the sweet embrace of oblivion.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Just wonderful. I remember trying the exact same idea with Mortimer and Cassandra Goth waaaay back with The Sims. But all I could come up with was building a pool without a ladder to watch them drown or walling them in and watching them starve.
Just wonderful..
June 14th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I could read a million of these. Simply top drawer, my man, easily my favourite article on the site.
June 14th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I started laughing at “The baby was given only one personality trait: Brave” and I didn’t stop until I posted this comment.
June 14th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’ve read every single one of your articles, and for me this is tied for funniest with the Fourth of July articles. You are in very good form, sir.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
You know, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think your articles were funny when you first came along.
But I want you to sleep well at night knowing that you sir, are fucking awesome for writing this, better than the last ten or so Swaims, and six or seven of the last Brockways and O’Briens.
You done made me proud.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I give this article 7 Phil Colinses marrying himself out of 6.
June 14th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Fucking hysterically funny. I was bent in half and laughed until I nearly blacked out.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I need to go buy Sims 3 now.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
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June 14th, 2009 at 11:16 am
i hope for all our sakes this man never gets a research grant
June 14th, 2009 at 8:29 am
i literally just ordered a copy of this game on amazon after reading this charming tale
i already have all the sims 2 games,
man playing God is addictive ^_^
June 14th, 2009 at 7:34 am
seanbaby = genius
June 14th, 2009 at 7:24 am
all these articles i’m reading about the game are slowly convincing me to buy it…
June 14th, 2009 at 4:40 am
[...] very different kind of adventures with the Sims 3. The illustrious Seanbaby indulges in his sadistic streak. Which is less of a streak, more of a whole body covering. The screenshots are things of mad [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
funniest thing i’ve ever read, hands down
June 13th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Honestly, all BS aside, this article kind of was the ‘making’ point of me playing the Sims 3. Thanks.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Why is there a baby laying on the ground? wth?
June 13th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
hahaha omg i was alone in my room dying…. my neighbors must have thought i was crazy
June 13th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I’ve never laughed so much at a cracked article before. Plus I have a bad cough at the moment, so you effectively tortured me as well you sick bastard.
June 13th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
its been a very long time since i’ve laughed that hard
June 13th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
This is quite simply one of the funniest things I have ever read.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I feel pathetic knowing that it was geordie who was the asshole who said the wrong thing to the holodeck
June 13th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
EA should be paying you royalties for all the publicity.
June 13th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
[...] not saying that this is the most twisted thing anyone will do with Sims 3, but it’s probably [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
HILARIOUS! I can totally understand the last part about the sim remembering what you had done. Okay, so my sim, Carla, had five babies (not all at the same time). I was so pissed about the fact that she was going to have another. Do sims have the virtual balls to impregnate others, or do family-oriented sims just magically become pregnant when you change the active household? I’m still not entirely sure about this. I’ll be conducting more experiments in the future. Anyways, I moved Carla to another house ’cause she definitely deserves to be tortured. I incarcerated her in a really small room that was just large enough to fit deadly equipment in. Too bad pregnant sims are immortal until they give birth to their little spawns from hell. So long story short, she starves to death and I still regret not naming the baby Damien. BUT I didn’t save and turned off the computer. I killed her again… and again. Yeah, I murdered my sim thrice due to not saving and the social worker also came three times. Every single time I moved a new family into the house, a fire would instantly start in the exact same spots where the baby was put down. They were huge, long-lasting fires of rage.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I finally registered on Cracked just so I could tell you how amazingly funny this article is. Seriously, this is some incredible writing. I salute you, seanbaby.
June 13th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Fucking Hilarious. Haven’t laughed that hard in ages, bravo.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I laughed until I was pissing my pants and crying! Thank you for making my day!
June 13th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I did some experiment myself with sims (original even) I created this young serial killer female in the system. She would welcome everyone to her housu , BUT only have one friend she liked, all the other visitors were locked down into to basement (build especially for these “visitors”), by luring them to that room with some pizza. once she had them I removed the door and they were stuck. weirdly, it didnt matter that their “sell” had a bed (crappy one tho.) and a toilet, they didnt want to sleep and kept yelling about it and soil themselves to death. I or she slept like a baby, backyard was this maze where she buried allthe victoms and of course hauntings did appear, BUT only at somepoint twelve o’clock, so no harm done ‘cos she lived upstairs and the haunting appeared only in the first.
oh, well, I had dozens of victims but then my com freezed and I lost my serial girl… sometimes I miss her, she was my favourite.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
[...] Social Experimenting (I Lol’d) Read. You’ll laugh. Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3 | Cracked.com __________________ [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Jesus. My stomach is hurting & I’m tearing from laughing so hard. Funniest shit I’ve seen in a very long time. This reminds me of some things I did in the Sims, but this takes it to a whole new level of entertainment. To respond with a mere “lol” doesn’t do any justice to this masterpiece.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:37 am
This is so wrong… but so hillarious! I so gotta make a mental hospital in sims 3… with lots of patients and a doctor… which they all will hate
June 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
“The baby was trapped safely…”
Pure gold.
June 13th, 2009 at 8:27 am
that was probably the most awesome article i’ve ever seen on this site.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:56 am
ENCORE!
(Please?)
June 13th, 2009 at 7:28 am
[...] The only reason that I may buy The Sims 3, is to torture people. [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Funniest thing I have ever read on cracked.com! Well played sir!
June 13th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Oh yeah!
That was fucking awesome..I’m eagerly awaiting Experiment Beta
June 13th, 2009 at 5:28 am
That is EPIC
June 13th, 2009 at 5:18 am
ahaha this is amazing.
June 13th, 2009 at 2:48 am
I can safely say that I practically wet myself reading this. Bravo.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Man, this is SO MUCH BETTER than what I could’ve ever imagined while torturing the sim version of my teacher. I swear that bitch is going to get it soon, even if it’s just virtual life. XDD
June 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am
This brings me back to the days of The Sims 2, when my brother and I staged a Sims version of Survivor, complete with 8 diverse Sims and a variety of challenges. Only there was no immunity, the loser of each challege just got dragged-and-dropped into a ladder-less pool to die. Good times.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:16 am
lol, this article was fucking sweet. sims 3 has taken a turn for the awesome.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:01 am
By far the most intellectually funny thing I’ve ever read!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
At first I didn’t understand the specifics of what this was about. I’ve never played “The sims” at all so that was probably the reason. Still I read on and once again, I got a stomach ache laughing at it. I now want to put my own experiment on the game and thus may buy it just to screw with my own head. Heck, I’ve actually spent time in an asylum and would love to create a hybrid of all the craziness there.
There was a guy who walked around constantly(except when he slept, and I assume he didn’t do that much) saying no, no, NO, no no, no. I didn’t know why but knew I should run for the hills if he suddently started saying, Yes, yes, HELL YES, FUCKIN A HELL YEAH!
There was a guy so strung out on acid it made him a Houdini. He got out of 6 straitjackets, some of the last 2 had chains and every other restraint accessory. It wasn’t to protect others but to protect the man from himself. He often accused the tomato he had thrown out of his sandwich on the floor as floating too ominously. Turned out once they got him under control and medicated he was actually a pretty nice guy.
Imagine combining those two above along with manic depression but being an internal optimist. Couple that with a fear of fecal matter to the point you’re constipated for months and we just might have a reliable test subject.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
You prove time and again, Seanbaby, that you’re the best columnist here.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
amazing work!
June 12th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I fucking love you, Seanbaby.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Positively hilarious! I’ve seen similar things on forums but this is by far the funniest Sim torture I have ever seen! More! More I say!
June 12th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
This was the best article in the history of the world! The line ” he howled a picture of a toilet at her” made me giggle every time I thought about it. Seanbaby, you are the funniest man alive. Will you marry me?
June 12th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
This was by far one of the funniest things I have ever read. I got a headache from laughing so hard about halfway in. Great job, Seanbaby, great job.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
[...] Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3 | Cracked.comHilarious article on Cracked.com describing the kinds of ethics-free psychological testing you can perform on your Sims characters. [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Original*
June 12th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I don’t have this game but I DID have the origional Sims and Sims 2. I remember trapping someone in a room on the toilet so every time he got up he would sit down again.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Lol. Fence technology.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
THIS is the most hilarious thing i’ve ever read on cracked, I’ve gotta say.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
This is the best artile I’e read on raked so far
sorry but y botto keyboard row is broken
June 12th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
It’s refreshing to see someone play this game the same way I do. Keep on keepin’ on!
June 12th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
i had to stop reading half way through, scroll down and exclaim “THIS IS THE FUNNIEST ARTICLE I”VE EVER READ”
The mocking teddy bear and fake oven… hahahaha!
June 12th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
GENIUS.
I so want this game now. Just so I, too, can be a scientist.
And my great god-dog, Dakota, will rule this world and order me to conduct experiments such as this one!
With this technology… We will learn how to control the minds of our feeble subjects and ultimately RULE THE WORLD! … More than we were before.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
the IMPOSSIBLARG part almost killed me. It was so funny I almost cut my face off with a band saw. This article was great.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
That might have been the funniest thing I have ever read on the interwebs, and I have no frickin’ idea what the hell you were trying to do.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
This was absolutely brilliant. Another awesome article from Seanbaby! Dude, you’re quickly becoming a weekly ritual for me.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
This was absoloutely, fucking, hilarious. I laughed through the entire thing. Bravo!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
This was absoloutely, fucking, hilarious. I laughed through the entire thing. Bravo!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Awesome article!
When I used to play Sims I invited company over just to trap them in a fence and let them starve to death. I must of had a graveyard of over 50 tomestones before I accidentally broke my computer.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I don’t think the world gives Seanbaby enough credit for his science.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
totally awesome. the best ghost story i’ve read in years!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
So hilarious. You are quickly becoming one of my favorite columnist, Seanbaby. This made me want to buy the Sims 3, more so than any professional advertisement has ever made me want something. Does this speak more for your persuasion skills, or the innate sadism of human nature?
June 12th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Hey there mister.
Guess who gets the Best Cracked Writer award?
…
You do.
=]
June 12th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Seanbaby,
If you are real and not just the ectoplasmic amalgam of the collective humor senses of George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Booger from nerds (He’s dead right?), you’ll know that I’ve been sucking you off in the comments of each of your articles.
Once again, glug glug glug.
I love all of the 3rd graders complaining about how long your articles are. I’d love to see what they’d do with a book. I’d wager that after hours of sniffing and trying to have sex with it, they’d scream at the printed author’s name for having so many letters.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I love sexy stuff! hook up sexy girls or wealthy singles at__ http://MatchRich.com __,It’s said that it’s easy to find your sexy partners there! Have a try!
June 12th, 2009 at 11:45 am
[...] June 12, 2009 So I came accross this article on one of my favorite funny sites http://www.cracked.com [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
This would be the only reason I would buy a Sims game.
Thank you Seanbaby.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:31 am
This is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time. I seriously want to get The Sims 3 and try to recreate this character and put him in a world similar to the one from the movie “Idiocracy” just to see what would happen.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:30 am
MOAR
June 12th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Hahaha, best read in a long time…
I’ve now had new found motivation to conduct my own Sims 3 experiment…
June 12th, 2009 at 11:02 am
haha, that’s great. You really spent a lot of time on this .. nice!
http://www.dealpi.com
June 12th, 2009 at 11:01 am
haha, that’s great. You really spent a lot of time on this .. nice!
June 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I must purchase Sims 3 so I can torture my own sims to insanity…oh wait you can start them out as insane, then I guess I’ll torture my insane sims to death.
I wonder what the effect would be of covering all the walls with art with the personality trait of cant stand art. I love the pool/moat barrier to the fridge.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
oh god, you are en evil, evil man…
eh… what happened next?
June 12th, 2009 at 10:48 am
one of the funniest and most original things i’ve ever read here. i sincerely applaud you sir, that was fucking hilarious!
June 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
tl;dr
Seriously, shrink down your articals.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Awesome. FinallyNot should stfu
June 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Hillarious, fucking great
Many thanks, made my day ^_^
June 12th, 2009 at 10:35 am
This article had to be the best thing I have read in a long time. Thank you seanbaby
June 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
You can imagine Subject Beef 2 muttering while he rummages through the trash, ” The memories aren’t mine! I should’t have to carry them!”
June 12th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Would of been a hell of alot funnier if you would make it shorter. You type too much and you probably smell of burnt cock, dumbass.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:08 am
LOL
June 12th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Beautifuly written and studied ;D
June 12th, 2009 at 8:50 am
cool story bro
June 12th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Bringing Seanbaby on board was the best idea ever, Cracked.com Awesome Manager. This article was hilarious. It made me nostalgic for fatchicksinpartyhats.com
June 12th, 2009 at 8:37 am
fucking hilarious!
I definitely want the sims 3 now. Although it does make a worrying statement about me as awhole!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
OMG that was the funniest thing EVER!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Seriously… this is insane.
This post should be kept in the Favorites for everyone.
You rOOl, srsly.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:20 am
That’s fuckin’ awesome. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to play mad scientist if given the chance?
Really this article makes me want to buy a new PC so I can get The Sims 3.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
After reading this I totally want EA to make a Sims Asylum expansion pack.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:37 am
That. Was. tHEABSOLUTELYFUNNIESTTHINGIVEREADINALOOOOOONGTIME!!!!
Seriously, I think I shat myself…
June 12th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Awesome. Scary, but awesome
June 12th, 2009 at 6:42 am
i’ve got to say, i’m impressed at the game’s AI for trying to cope with your nefariousness. Never thought I’d ever see a game where i could kidnap, urinate on and ultimately incinerate social services. Not sure it’s a good thing though….
June 12th, 2009 at 6:31 am
This is the first Cracked article I’ve read in a LONG time that made me laugh so hard I had to keep stopping to wipe the tears from my eyes.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Seanbaby, you get funnier with every article. This had me laughing way too loud.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:21 am
That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I was actually crying with laughter! XD
June 12th, 2009 at 6:10 am
[...] 3: A Cracked Experiment I got a good laugh out of this, thought I would share. Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3 | Cracked.com [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 5:58 am
This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. If EA games had used this to advertise TS3, I would have camped outside a Best Buy the night before the game’s release to get a copy.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:12 am
This is, by far, one of the funniest goddamn things I’ve ever had the pleasure of laughing at.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Personally, I like to build tiny houses for my Sims without sinks or dishwashers, thus forcing them to live in their own filth until the flies buzzing around the dirty dishes teams up into a colossal horde to attack and kill the Sim.
Also, I like having my male Sims kidnapped by aliens and then come back impregnated.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Turbo sexaphonic is the most awesome name ever.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:13 am
the sims 3 can be a dangerous tool for pedophiles. do you understand why ?
still, it’s some fun but will be the BIGGEST consumer nickel & dime rip-off ever!! want a new tv ? sure, pay real money to get that new plasma. forget add-ons like before, micro transactions has just become real.
regards,
baltazar.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Truly funny stuff mate. I laughed all the way through.
I already miss Subject Beef and Turbo Sexophonic.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:59 am
This has got to be the best use of THE SIMS engine EVER!!!!!!!!
Kinda creeps you out with specimen number 2 
June 12th, 2009 at 2:43 am
That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Even though anything I do won’t be nearly as hilarious or ungodly, all that’s left to say is
I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game I need this game.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:34 am
LOL!! Hilarious!! Really cheered me up.
I love the Sims 3 and this experiment was very interesting!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:13 am
I’m convinced that Seanbaby is the best thing to ever happen to Cracked.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Super amusing article!
June 12th, 2009 at 12:45 am
pity beef didnt get on tread mill to be mocked by a bear so he tried to kill it
June 12th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I nearly choked on my drink when he got to the part of naming his subject’s companion.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:27 am
That is madness.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Hilarious stuff; gunna get Sims 3 just cause of this article.
@Subject Beef: Excellent Harlan Ellison reference and fits this article perfectly :p
June 11th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I laughed til I cried!!!
you just made my week!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Amazing man
June 11th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Aha, I knew someone was controlling my life! You jackass, Linda couldn’t get out and I had to crawl all the way to social services!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
See ya soon buddy!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Thank you so much, man!!!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Awesome!
That was some serious-epic-top-choice-motherfucking article!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
this was arguably the best article i’ve ever read on cracked
runners up:
swine flu: 28 days later
ken doll journal
choose your own adventure on drugs (with the native american guy)
June 11th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
K
I
C
K
A
S
S
June 11th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
More Sims 3 experiments! You’re much more creative than I am. I usually just strip mine down and make them do snow angels outside until they get hypothermia and die…
June 11th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
oh my god, that was amazing
June 11th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
You have tought me so much.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
From a pool of my own tears and piss, all I can say is: you’ve got to make more of these. Much love Seanbaby!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Anyone in future that says The Sims games are pointless, I shall direct them here and watch them change their minds.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Epic win.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
OMG that was soo funny! More Sims 3 experiments, pleeeease
June 11th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I am still playing the original Sims. I am satisfied with it. I’m going to see what I can do on it. The best I’ve been able to do is use the sim clothing editor to make a bunch of nude Sims gave them all bad social skills and lowest nice level possible and watched them kill each other while nude.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
This article is pure gold. I might just have to buy the Sims 3 just to replicate this kind of virtual abuse. I am sorry that Turbo Sexophonic was taken away by child services over a tiny thing like a raging propane fire. Subject Beef is a great roommate, by the virtue of not tossing Turbo into the pool to quickly drown to death. That’s roommate love right there.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
All I can say is fuck you I my computer can’t run the sims 3.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Oh dear god I laughed so hard it hurt. I actually had to take a break in the middle of the article to stop reading and recover from how hard I was laughing. This really appeals to my sadistic side.
It reminded me a lot of an article I read a million years ago of the same concept but with an older version of the Sims. I laughed just as hard then as now.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Ah, Seanbaby you never dissapoint. this is probably your best work yet!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
hahahahahahahaha i just about died reading this. and i thought i wanted sims 3 badly before…
June 11th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
i laughed the entire time i was reading this article. good job!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Not only was that hilarious.. but the ending actually gave me chills. That’s some f-ed up shit, seanbaby. Well done.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
also, fuck you crackhead, that was an awesome article… I didn’t care for Seanbaby at first (his articles were alright when he was doing ‘the rest of the crap’ for EGM), but as of late, the articles are becoming worthy of being a cracked writer
June 11th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
You _SO_ have to find a way to export that and upload that… I want to science with that aswell
June 11th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Goddamnit that was a long article. Yet again, I failed to laugh even once.
FIRE SEANBABY NOW
June 11th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
“He refused to use the bathroom from the moment she arrived. He howled a picture of a toilet at her over and over, and she responded by staring through him until his bladder detonated where he stood. Just to fuck with us, she showed she could move the whole time, and turned her back to give Beef privacy while he mopped up his shame” i literally laughed so hard tears came out, Awesome!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Seanbaby, this whole article had me laughing out loud the entire time. I was so loud, that I woke my parents up and they yelled at me. Thank you, Seanbaby, for getting me in trouble. It was totally worth it.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Experiment Seven: Fractures in Timespace
where the f*** did that came from…….
June 11th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time
June 11th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
“The idea of fusing robots and animals together sounds comically impossible, but that’s probably what some guy heard right before he invented anal beads.”
This line made me piss myself. Thank you seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
This was hilarious… normally I find these articles funny, and occasionally laugh out loud funny. This was a laugh out loud funny. Nice job
June 11th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Excellent as usual.
Perhaps you could have made a little Seanbaby to see if your spirit would have extended TRON-like into your SIMulation.
No matter. Well played. He kind of looks like you anyway…
To fulfill your journalistic responsibilities as the only vintage games expert with a mohawk, I task you with the following.
Whatever happened to the Fatman? Does he still do music for games? Is any aspect of the Fatman sufficiently funny for Cracked? Maybe as kind of an antitribute, you can let us in on the worst game music ever. Just sayin..
June 11th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I’ve never said this, but this is the most hilarious Cracked article I’ve ever seen, with the second being the 24,504 worst pieces of advice.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I can’t even load the game all the way before the screen goes black and i have to restart my computer.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Hm I’d criticize the horrible undermining of science in this article but it’s cracked. Good article
June 11th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I’ll be ghosting windows for this game.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
That was so flippin funny. I laughed so hard I woke my parents up twice!
June 11th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
i almost peed a little when i read this
June 11th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Can’t stop laughing bro. Definately going to have to pick this game up tomorrow.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I almost pissed myself LOL’ing.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Hahahahaha this was hilarious!! Clever little experiment =P
June 11th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I haven’t laughed that hard at anything on the internet in a while. You’ve inspired me to go download the torrent of the game. Because, after all, the nazi scientists got paid to torture people, so at the very least, i should be able to do it for free, right?
June 11th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long, long time. It entertained me, made me was the Sims 3 even more AND gave me new, real world, plans.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
This is the most scientific article i have ever read!
June 11th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Seanbaby, you’re making leaps and bounds toward being the craziest Cracker on the staff. I love it.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Holy shit that was hilarious
June 11th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
This was good… but this was similar http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/sims-3-life.php
June 11th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Excellent. I rarely laugh aloud this much.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
awesome totally made me want to get this game even more!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
This was simply AMAZING. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard at anything written in a while. Please, do more social experiments!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I was not motivated at all to buy The Sims 3 from watching the commercials on TV, but after reading this article I’m going to buy it soon as I get my paycheque.
You sir, are a genius.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
OMFG! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time! Damn, this is perhaps the best article I’ve read XD
HAHAHA!!!
I DEMAND A FOLLOW-UP!!! XD
June 11th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Oh my God. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. I have tear tracks of joy drying on my face. Well done!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Dammit, you beat me to it. I was going to lure my sims into a public starvation chamber.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, what you did to your virtual subjects and what they did to themselves! But still, I laughed.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I’ve killed 12 Sims in the past week. I haven’t had this much fun in a very very long time.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
This was one of the most entertaining things I have ever read. Like really I thought I was going to cry I laughed so hard.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
And the Pulitzer for greatest article ever conceived in the history of literature……Seanbaby!!
I literally pee’d a little during this dude. You have outdone yourself and everyone at Cracked. Please make a series out of this you goddamn literary mastermind.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I am a great soft jelly thing. Smoothly rounded, with a big red mouth, with bright green boxers covering the place where my genitals should be. Rubbery appendages that are supposed my arms; bulks rounding down into fat humps of soft slippery matter called thighs. I leave a moist pool when I stand in one place for too long. Blotches of diseased, evil gray come and go on my surface, as though light is being beamed from within.
Alone. Here. Living inside the fence, under no roof, in the computer of Seanbaby, whom Cracked hired because their time was badly spent and they must have known unconsciously that he could do it better.
At least the baby is safe at last. Seanbaby will be all the madder for that. It makes me a little happier. And yet Seanbaby has won. Simply he has taken his revenge.
I have clown make-up. And I must scream.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much reading one webpage. Thanks. Looking forward to more.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Oh my god. Not much has made me laugh so hard lately.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I agree, I totally wan’t to play Sims now.
I was giggling like a loon all the way through that.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I’ve never really responded to anything on cracked, but god oh god was this epic-funny, but that’s just a repeated sentiment. This was great, I’m showing all my friends.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Amazing. Really, really original and very well written!
June 11th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
You should be expecting a commission from EA any day now.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I have to say, I laughed my fucking ass off on this one. I laughed so many times that my bladder exploded and I had to clean it up, all while some pixilated and ghostley women stood behind me, face to the wall. Odd. Anyway, I performed a similar experiment in Sims 1, which made this one all that much more entertaining. Although, I felt kind of bad doing it, since the original Sim was based on me. Someone let me know what that means in Freudian?
June 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Loved it. This was fucking hilarious. Also a very effective advertisement for the game, because I went out and bought it a half hour later. It’s installing right now!
June 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I have to say, I laughed like that in a LONG time! My neighbors probably thought I was being murdered by your clown. I absolutely LOVE your stuff! You’ve actually inspired me to download the sims game for myself. You should get some royalties!
June 11th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
OH MY GOD. Best thing ever.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
wow… this made me wish that I had sims, so that I could be an evil sadist too!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Good stuff!
Please check out__ http://WealthyCupid.org _The #1 club for dating the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
best thing seanbaby’s done yet.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Pure evil genius!!!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I love Cracked, and I find 95% of the articles to be genuinely funny and entertaining. That being said, I have never laughed out loud as many times as I did reading this article. Positively sublime!
Look forward to the next Sims experiment.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
so funny usually i do not laugh out loud for real but holy shit LOL
June 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Genius.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
“I picked the hell out of that. The idea of fusing robots and animals together sounds comically impossible, but that’s probably what some guy heard right before he invented anal beads.”
My word, that’s funny.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
This is fantastic. You’ve inspired me to let out my own inner mad scientist on my Sims
June 11th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Hilarious! So far, every article you did has been great.
Please do another Sims experiment!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I’m gonna have to torrent this game now. Because there is now way I’m paying for a game which I have already bought twice but with upgraded graphics and a few extra features.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Oh, man. I’m still laughing from this one…
“What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It’s like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.”
That is the best ending to an article ever!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Holy shit, that was one of if not the greatest article ever written for Cracked.com. I actually pissed my self from laughing when you reported Beefate on the toilet. I will go buy this game immedietaly.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Categorically awesome. Encore!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Seanbaby, you have single-handedly created the greatest Sim EVAR. I will bear your babies now, posthaste.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
[...] ..with Sims 3. Hilarious. [...]
June 11th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I never thought I’d want to play a Sims game.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Best thing I’ve ever read on this site. I look forward to your articles on Thursday more than anything else in my life. Shit, that’s sad.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I laughed for a pretty long time after reading about the human-robot crossbreeder
June 11th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
holy shit, you can actually do this in The Sims?
June 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
this was probably a more effective advertisement for the sims 3 than actual advertisements for the sims 3.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
i will go out tomorrow and i will spend every spare penny i have to buy the sims 3.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I just got to the layout of the room and had to stop and say how delicously demented this room/zone/asylum is. Awesome. I guess I will continue reading if I can pull myself out of the fetal position.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Two milestones:
One of the funniest articles in the history of the site.
And a use for The Sims that is actually entertaining.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Diabolical and brilliant.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
“IMPOSSIBLARG, WHERE IS THE TACO BAR.”
hahaha!
June 11th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
This is incredible.
seriously, im getting sims 3 and now im going to have to recreate ur experiment
LMFAO hilarious
June 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Oh my GOD! I was laughing the whole time. I. Love. You.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
that was probably the funniest article ive ever read, involving Nazi war crimes and babies named like a funk album
June 11th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I can’t remember the last time tears came to my eyes from laughter. You sir, have won the Internet.
Also, now I want to get Sims 3.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Words fail me. Laughter hasn’t…
June 11th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
hilarious
June 11th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
“He did this without interruption for 14 hours.”
XD Nice Seanbaby, you’re certainly getting better at this.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
That was amazing.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Thanks, seanbaby, i can’t remember the last time i laughed like this… hilarious AND inteligent
June 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Fucking. hilarious.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
“He refused to use the bathroom from the moment she arrived. He howled a picture of a toilet at her over and over, and she responded by staring through him until his bladder detonated where he stood.”
I swallowed my gum laughing at this part, hilarious article!
June 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I don’t usually laugh my ass off on Cracked, but reading the description of his Mental Institution had me in hysterics.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
By the “howl a picture of a toilet at her” part, I was laughing so hard that I started crying and almost stopped breathing.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I could see a feature where you could, like, every 2 weeks or so, set up one of these experiments with different people and situations, and write about what happens. That’d be great.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Seeing as I am too cheap to actualy buy this for my computer, I believe I’ll get it for my iPod. I’m only getting it to try a similar experiment, as I have always hated the Sims games. Kudos on the great article though.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Wait a fucking second…
Turbo Sexaphonic prime was taken away by child services…and government black magic
But you did a Turbo Sexaphonic clone anyway….
so….
does that mean there are now 2 Turbo Sexaphonic?
Seanbaby, Science DEMANDS you do a follow up article.
June 11th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST PERSON EVVAARRRR
June 11th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
This is brilliant. Totally fantastic. I immediately forwarded it to my brother who works in a computer lab. He showed it around to the other guys, and now they want to set up a server with SIMS 3. They will try to set it up to look like the lab and all the characters will be themselves. They will try to set them up to be as close to their own personallities as possible. Then they will just let it run on its own and add a “hot chick” and see what happens. I say she gets raped….
June 11th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Whenever a SIM becomes troublesome, especially a nosy neighbor, you have to either wall them up in a room or let them go swimming and remove the pool ladder. Sure they’ll make a mess, but it disappears when they die. And even if paramedics come, they eventually leave in confusion.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Omg, this is the second seanbaby post that had me crying with laughter. The others I’ve read were dull, but I swear I nearly shat myself towards the end of this article.
Seanbaby, you are a funny fucker.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
This is, without question, the funniest thing I have read on this site, bar none. I’m in the silent section of the library, and I am crying with laughter. The Asians in the corner are staring at me with scandalized looks, but I don’t care. They know not the power of Seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I gotta try some of these now.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Classic, just calssic. One of the funniest I’ve read in a while. I’ve never played any of the sims, but I’m getting a copy tomorrow.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Freaking awesome. I love articles like this because I can’t seem to bring myself to abuse my Sims. This is the kind of thing I like to see Seanbaby write. Nice job.
Scott Sharkey (another games columnist) did a multi-part segment when the Sims 2 came out that was similar to this.
http://www.1up.com/do/feature?cId=3134465
The really funny shit starts on “Day 3.” Queequeg the whaler… Just pants-peeingly funny.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Holy shit… This article is one of the funniest things I have ever read on cracked. There were literally tears in my eyes and my gut was in pain. Kudos Seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I don’t know know why, but the part that had me laughing the hardest was the cake part. And the part about taking revenge on the water.
Scratch that, the entire article was the funniest part of the article.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Man, that makes Sims geeks everywhere feel good.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
you just made that game seem amazing
solid article
June 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I enjoyed this article too thoroughly…I can’t believe the clone offed himself!
I’ve played the Sims, the Sims 2, and I own the Sims 3. All from a very young age. Huzzah.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Ahh if only Sims had online capability you would wreck the minds of so many people.
Good work.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Ah, torturing Sims. I did it in the first version and in Sims 2. Apparently Sims 3 offers even more chances. Sweet.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Haaaaaaaa, this was incredible.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
As a student of psychology I have one thing to say:
Wow.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
That was great! My favorite part is how he was having tons of fun being trapped in that booth.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Pure win. Seanbaby just won the internet. Completely virtuosic.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
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June 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
That is fucking awesome lol…
June 11th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I’ve been a rabid fan of your work ever since I first discovered your website years ago. Although EGM tried to water you down, I could still sense the love that you had for me in every article.
After mustering up the courage (and staring at your red leather pants), I can finally tell you what’s been agonizing my soul: I am madly, completely, and unadulteratedly in deep love with you, too. Think about it, Seanbaby. Between your genius and my male uterus, we can repopulate the world after the climbing robots have drank their fill of human sorrow.
I lie awake, softly sobbing into my ejaculate, and wait impatiently for your next words of subtle brilliance. I hope they arrive soon.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
[...] Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3 [...]
June 11th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
WTF. I don’t even play the sims and this makes me want to go buy it. Kudos. I don’t know why I laughed so hard but man, great writing.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I wonder if this would be funny if I’d ever played The Sims….
June 11th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Nicely done. How much are you getting for pimping Sims 3? Because now I sure want to go out and get a copy - and I’ve never played a single hour of any Sims.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Sean Baby you magnificent bastard, your writing skills shall be praised for a thousand eons
June 11th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
That’s great! Hooray for torturing AI characters! ^.^
If I wasn’t trying to recreate my stories via the sims, I would be doing this…
June 11th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
@ IgnatiusJ
…
June 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Pretty good. I had given up and stopped reading seanbaby articles, but since I myself have enjoyed countless hours torturing Sims, I decided to give him another chance with this one. There were some good moments and some lame ones, but overall an improvement from the other things I’ve read by him.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
damn, now i wanna play sims 3 and try to recreate the experiment.
THAT IS WHAT SCIENCE IS ALL ABOUT
June 11th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
The funniest article I’ve read in a long time.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
this was the best ever. and from my experiance its ledgendary only told by the greatest. and i would know im apparently a docter
June 11th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
This is probably the best thing I have ever read. I was crying.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I guess I’m one of the few who thinks this isn’t a funny article.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
For the first time ever, I’ve cried myself to tears from reading anything on the computer. This is easily seanbaby’s best article, and maybe the best one I’ve seen on cracked in general.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
wow. i actually liked it. There is hope for you yet. No sleeping on this one.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:54 am
damn really funny article. seanbaby, you should do more sims 3 articles like this cuz this next to the 8 oh shit moments from mma is the funniest cracked article i’ve read in a long time
June 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Haha the Sims 3 is awesome, and so was this article. Sort of makes me want to torture my sims in the name of science now…
June 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Absolutely awesome. I want to recreate this experiment myself…
June 11th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Freaking hilarious!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:44 am
very weak.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:43 am
absolutely legendery
June 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I had to leave the computer for about 20 minutes to calm down. This was so funny… so funny… Well I think it’s the best thing on the site!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
[...] by DrFunke on June 11, 2009 This article comes from Cracked.com, and I’m posting this because quite frankly it gave me about 15 [...]
June 11th, 2009 at 11:36 am
omfg. that was one of the funniest things that i have ever read on cracked. i didn’t stop laughing the whole time… i do stuff like this when i play the sims and my parents call me crazy……..hahaha wow great work!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am
nice, i laughed so hard i cried
June 11th, 2009 at 11:25 am
ROFL i can’t stop laughing, this shit is hilarous, prolly the best thing i’ve ever read on here. good job!
June 11th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I have been reading cracked for about a year, I honestly thought I had become immune, but you just showed me, I can still laugh at the computer generated pain and suffering of others.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I’ve been reading Seanbaby since EGM and was crushed when it went under, but now that I see what he can write for Cracked I have hope again. Best thing on Cracked ever.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:17 am
That was twisted, but amusing. If you’d like to check out another similar effort, albeit more realistic, visit http://aliceandkev.wordpress.com/. It’s the story of an abusive homeless sim and his daughter. It’s pretty funny.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:06 am
brilliantly funny. i was still crying the third time i read it.
The ToiletZone description, the picture of Subject Beef howling, and “the oven is so not an oven” all nearly killed me.
Reading this article and not dying from laughter is like surviving the comedy holocaust.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Wow… that’s even meaner than my evil fat man in a gorilla suit that’s always sad cuz I always leave him in the swimming pool or outside in the street….
June 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Holy crap this article made me laugh so hard I cried
June 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I was a few paragraphs into the article and thought, “This reads like Seanbaby.” Then I scrolled up and, viola! The first time I ID’d you by writing style.
Also frickin’ hilarious!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I’ve been a long-time Seanbaby and Cracked fan, and this the funniest article I’ve read from either. Holy shit, great work.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
This was fucking hilarious, and you also made me want spend money on this game. Make EA pay you.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Funniest article I have read on here in weeks. It would be sick if it weren’t genius.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Dude, I want the sims 3 so bad, but I’m a broke bum D:
This was hilarious, you’re a good writer
June 11th, 2009 at 10:49 am
this was better when somethingawful did it first. for sims 2 and then about a week ago for sims 3
June 11th, 2009 at 10:46 am
man i played Sims 3 for like 1 day and quit cause it runs so slow, the only thing that attracts me to this game is traits and how jobs work now. Anyone have any tips on performance for this? reading this gave me a huge craving to play it but i dont have a high end pc. -_-
June 11th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Dude, that was so goddamn funny. I’m trying to be stealthy at work in my procrastination, but constantly laughing while pretending to work on spreadsheets makes that rather difficult.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I think i am now obligated to by this game being that I don’t have access to gulags or death camps.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
wow, and i thought i was sadistic and twisted
June 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
My God! Mr. Seanbaby, you are a weird wild man. And I like it. After 4 hours of trying to provoke inappropriate sexual encounters in Sims2, this is exact type of sociapathic experimentation I devolved into. Can’t wait to try it on Sims3.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Haa this was the best article EVER. I, too, was getting dirty looks from my co-workers as I tried to muffle my laughter.
I am also glad to know I am not the only one that “plays” Sims in such a warped manner.
I like to make a really hot female character, sleep with a ton of guys and ask them to move in… once I get them to move in (adding their $ to my total) I would build a tiny house in the backyard for them to slowly die in.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:32 am
This is hands down one of the most funniest things I’ve read on this site and laughed so hard. Turbo-Sexophonic!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
hilarious. keep em coming seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:28 am
AWESOME!!!!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Reminds me of one of my favorite vintage PWOT articles: The NBA Live review.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Excellent! Either seanbaby keeps getting funnier every article, or I’m getting more accustomed to his humor….either way it’s a fun ride!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:22 am
This was shit. Are the cracked writers even trying anymore?
June 11th, 2009 at 10:22 am
This was hilarious through and through.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:21 am
That was really good. WOW
June 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Hilarious! makes me want to try something similar!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Absolutely hilarious!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Gemineye, you can’t really do all that. Just most of it. But for instance, you’d need to cheat to move him into the mirrored “isolation chamber” without actually building it around him, you can’t set lights and alarms to be activated by a toilet (though there IS a way to make a toilet generate alarm sounds at random), and saddest of all, that treadmill would not act as a moving floor. It would simply block that room off, and no matter how fast Beef ran he’d never be able to get by it.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
without a doubt the best article i have ever read on cracked, i’ve read cracked every day for maybe two years now and i have never laughed til i cried before
just incredible stuff
June 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
so fucking funny
i just got the sims 3 and i am off to create my own house of terror now…
June 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Grated I’m sick off my ass, but I don’t think that’s why. A newer, more sadistic Emily is returning to The Sims 3, and I’m done making cute little families that catch fishies and make goopy carbonara. Time to be a scientist!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I think Swaim has some real competition now.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:15 am
I am crying from laughing too much. Srsly.
I keep having random spouts of hysterical laughter.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Hey, you basically just summarized every game of the Sims I’ve ever played!
June 11th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I love you, Seanbaby. I love you so, so much. Please don’t leave Cracked.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Hahahahaha. Fucking hilarious. Thumbs up, love it.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Very funny article Seanbaby, almost made me want to buy The Sims.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I laughed out loud so many times my coworkers and boss started looking at me funny. Easily the best article you’ve written, I pretty much came at my desk.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I give this article 23 MECHA_LOLs, 5 ultra-ROFLs, and a half a pound of OMGs.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:58 am
that. was. awesome!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am
This article, is the greatest article I have ever read, anywhere, ever. I was laughing so hard that I had to leave the computer just to be able to breath again. Never before in my entire life have I laughed so hard and that isn’t even an exaggeration at all. And I rarely do more then smirk at most things. But this, this was pure gold. I’m now exhausted and sore.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:55 am
omg this is the funniest thing I have read in ages.
“there’s no regulation against forcing a fat clown into a mirrored booth where he watches himself wet his pants to death.” Lmao well done great experiment
June 11th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Linda is a real bitch.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:48 am
This is the best endorsement for this game I have seen yet
June 11th, 2009 at 9:47 am
this made me want to play sims so bad. hilarious to the extreme.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:46 am
You had me at Turbo Sexophonic.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:45 am
now I HAVE to buy sims 3. hilarious. i love it. i love it. good job
June 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I’ve been a fan of yours since EGM, Seanbaby, and it’s been heartbreaking for me to see so many people call you unfunny on Cracked. But luckily, ever single article you post, you get a new bunch of people saying they like you now! It won’t be long before you’re the king of this site!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:35 am
“What did he enjoy about his slow starvation in a vertical coffin? I’ll tell you one thing: If it’s not the idea of killing me, then I’m a shitty scientist.”
hahahahahah…fantastic
June 11th, 2009 at 9:34 am
That was a brilliant article. Its made me realise how boring and unimaginative my sim playing skills are.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Can you actually do all that stuff?
June 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
And the main reason is someone ACTUALLY remembers the The Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:27 am
wow, that was amazing. I want that game now.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:25 am
This article was absolutely hilarious. From start to finish. Brilliant.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Holy shit - I HAVE to buy Sims 3 now. Like now. No. Now.
I have to admit, I wasn’t a fan of your writing until this. You have converted me. I love you. Have my baby, Seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:21 am
I think this could quite possibly be the best plug for the Sims 3 game on the internet. Utterly hilarious Seanbaby. I gotta say you are threatening DOB as funniest guy on Cracked.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:19 am
At first I thought it wasn’t going to be funny but when he starts the experiment I laughed till I had tears in my eyes!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am
This is the best thing I have ever read in a long time. I am most assuredly getting this game.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am
this was educational AND terrifying.
*quivers in the corner during catholic school flashbacks*
June 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am
That was the greatest article i have read in a long time.
Thank you Seanbaby
June 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am
I wasn’t expecting much when I initially read this article, thank you for proving me wrong. I loved it and my coworkers keep staring at me for my restrained laughter.
I’m keeping a better watch for your articles as I conduct my own experiments.
Bloody well done.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:15 am
holy lol batman. that was one of the greatest things i’ve ever read.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I know its likely completely impossible but is it possible for you to do another article like this? I found it to be utterly hilarious and thought provoking. What if it had been a family of 6 utterly disfunctional and hating each other like you see on sitcoms. Would they kill each other off? WHo would ultimately survive? If they couldn’t get to the food would they resort to canabalism, or choose to starve to death? So many questions and yet not enough answers.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:10 am
If only you had recorded this
June 11th, 2009 at 9:09 am
This is the only time I have ever said this here or anywhere: I couldn’t stop laughing. I am honestly tired from reading this article. You’re a genius with words, Seanbaby!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I have to buy this game!
June 11th, 2009 at 9:06 am
the nazi scientist/sims 3 transition was where i started laughing like an ass in my anthro class. funniest thing i’ve read in a long time.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Damn Senor Bebe, excellent work.
I think you are not only a great spokesman for the Sims 3, but also that this is a definate step in the right direction for your time here on Cracked.
I can’t wait for more. Please consider Sims experimenting again, part 2 or maybe you could have a recurring Sims thing now and then. This was truly awesome.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:03 am
This was the best article ever written by anybody, ever.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:02 am
really you are the best now seanbaby
June 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
My Sim was a creature-robot crossbreeder too, then became a mad scientist. He shot the toilet with a raygun.
Now the toilet randomly beeps at people. He also made the couch shriek like a siren.
I suggest scientists looking to recreate this experiment look in to hiring help within the context of the game.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Freaking hilarious, I actually laughed out loud.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:52 am
wat? I didnt find this funny at all - dissapointing actually - almost as bad as the cellphone ad today
June 11th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Seanbaby, you have earned my respect
I have to say I wasn’t much of a fan until now, but after this I’ll keep an eye out for your articles. Great stuff, man!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I must get this game and perform my own experimentation
June 11th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Most brilliant thing I have ever read. I laughed SO hard. Kudos.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Words fail me.. that was simply amazing.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:36 am
you sir, have just convinced me to get hold of this game, so i too can do insane things for shits and giggles/in the name of science.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I’m calling Hollywood, I’ll get this story in the movie theaters if its the last thing I do.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I think that was the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Ye Gods, you are fucking awesome, Sean!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:31 am
“He refused to use the bathroom from the moment she arrived. He howled a picture of a toilet at her over and over, and she responded by staring through him until his bladder detonated where he stood.”
Oh man, my stomach … phew.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:29 am
i couldn’t count the number of articles i’ve read on this site, but that was the funniest damn thing i’ve ever seen here.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I laughed so hard throughout this entire article…. freakin’ hilarious!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
dude ur awesome
June 11th, 2009 at 8:16 am
That was great fun!
Something Awful’s Sims 3 experiment was even better though
June 11th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I love this game but you guys took it to a whole level of greatness, wow!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I like Seanbaby. He is funny.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:12 am
A similar experiment with the Sims 3 was done at Something Awful.com (http://tinyurl.com/o7gksd) but this one is better. (I promise that’s a link to SA and not to some shitty dating site)
June 11th, 2009 at 8:10 am
That was awesome, man. Just the whole idea of this is hilarious, you sick, twisted bastard. HAHAHAHA!!! Great job!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Ah The Sims!
For years my mate has enjoyed luring people into his Sim-attic and then walling them in.
He walled in a father and son in adjacent rooms with a window so they could see each other and then gave the kid an RC car but not enough room to play with it.
He really is a sick, sick man.
As he now has Sims 3 I think I will refer him to this article. You think alike!
Awesome stuff!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:07 am
“Observation: Subject Beef eats all his meals on the toilet, his body acting like a steady pipeline of disaster. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it’s almost like he’s trying to get back at water.”
Lol’d.
Excellent article.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Holy shit. I haven’t laughed like this in ages. Now I’m in pain and everyone around me thinks I’m insane. Fuck you, Seanbaby.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Best.Article.Ever.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:51 am
This is perhaps the greatest accomplishment of science since Darwin’s “The Origin of Species.” You, sir deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for this epic win.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I just laughed, the entire time I was reading that.
Good work!
June 11th, 2009 at 7:47 am
I don’t think i’ve laughed this hard EVER! now i want to get sims 3 and run my own experiments.. I have tears in my eyes and am pretty damn close to wetting myself. THANK YOU
June 11th, 2009 at 7:42 am
I was doing fine reading this at work until:
“What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It’s like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done.”
I haven’t laughed that hard at my desk in ages.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Disturbing…. yet…. fascinating.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:41 am
i laughed my ass off
June 11th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I just got the Sims 3 last night and it was okay, then I read this today. I think I’m going to have to play it again now . . .
June 11th, 2009 at 7:35 am
There is a word to describe the level on which I find this absolutely hilarious… Appalling? Awed? Whatever. You’re an evil, cold-hearted bastard. And, provided more articles like the last two follow, never change.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Another great article, thanks very much SB.
June 11th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Hahahahahahahahah. Awesome post.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Win. Awesome article.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:18 am
This is incredibly awesome.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Fucking massive epic win. Holy shit of Awesomeness. Those are some of the ways to describe this articles. I rest my case.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:58 am
This is one of the most hilarious things i have read on cracked.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:54 am
This was fantastic and highly inventive. But the game looks and sounds like it sucks.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Great article, I dedicate this video to your grandness http://www.collegehumor.com/videos/playlist:hotgirls#1911131
June 11th, 2009 at 5:26 am
I totally want this game now.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Wow, that was an awesome study of evil geniusness. I think Sims might possibly be demonic, somehow.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:30 am
That was fucking epic! Seriously, I’ve done some cruel things in the sims (inviting the whole neighbourhood for a 25-set BBQ then, closing the surroundings and blowing it up, inviting the whole neighbourhood for a swimming party, then remove the stairs out) but I have never been able to recreate anything like this! Your awesome!