This question has a ring of cheese-like toothpaste stuffed into its crust! Can you finish it?
1. Surviving a _________ is impossible if you’re a chair or a fish tank.
A. fat person
B. SCUBA suit filled with termites
C. bar fight
D. shark with chair cancer
If you answered any or all of them, you’re right and AWESOME. However, we’re going to focus on the one we can solve: C, bar fights. Sorry fat people, the pizza wizard is your enemy. He will not solve you.
Bar fights are started when beer is applied to douches or sexual frustration. They are ended with karate. You’re about to learn everything in between. I’ve scoured book stores for the finest literature and DVD sets to unlock the secrets of the drunken Orient, and now every time I have a beer 17 people die.
Bar Fight Self Defense
by Scott Rogers
Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to always sound like he’s kidding. His video set explains how to defend against every bar weapon, including pool cues, karate chops, knives and guns. Let’s go through the Scott Rogers process:
1. Bar Training in the Gym.
Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it’s polite to gently go “arrgh” as if it hurt you.* Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: I’ve seen seven-year-olds win fights.
* Fighting Fact! In the combat community, to not react to an imaginary punch at all is seen as a sign of aggression. For example, if you ever throw a fake punch at Hulk Hogan and it appears to have no effect, he’s about to fucking destroy you.
During the gym parts of the DVD, I started to wonder if I was supposed to be drunk when I’m at the dojo training for bar fights. But that seemed like the kind of thing someone would wonder right before Scott Rogers called them a fag and rammed a pint glass into their heart, so I had a beer and started thinking about what tits would look like if they didn’t have shirts on.
All bullshit aside, Mike is lucky to be alive. If you were struck by a real Scott Rogers punch or kick you would fly through a you-shaped hole in the cement wall behind you, leaving behind only a platter of meat that restores Scott Rogers’s energy.
2. Drunken Improv Karate Theater or DIKT.
After pantomiming how to murder Mike for 15 minutes, the next step is going to a bar set and putting on little plays to show how the moves work. After seeing several of the scenarios he comes up with, I get the idea that everyone who has ever met Scott Rogers has attacked him.
His bar fight scenarios seem to come out of nowhere. It’s never anything like “You spilled my drink!” or “You were a guy in a dress this whole time!?” Instead they all seem to start with, “Hi, I’m Scott Rogers. In this scenario, you walk into a bar and you look like me. Every person who sees your face feels a desperate need deep inside them to approach it and kill it with anything they’re holding. Here’s how to fend them off with a torch on the end of a grappling hook. Mike will play the part of Yoda, and everything that isn’t the couch is lava.”
3. Reviewing or R.
In this part of the video, Scott goes through all the moves from his bar fight theater in detail. He might explain how when Mike came at him with a knife, he countered by jamming a pool cue into his neck, then grabbing it in the center so he could use both ends of the pool cue to batter him. Oh, he should have mentioned this earlier, but steps one through seven of winning a bar fight are being Darth Maul.
Caution: Scott’s 2298-0 record in no-contact bouts against Mike has made him more jungle cat than man. For you, it takes a bit of time for your eyeballs to tell your brain about the incoming knife, cross reference its knife files with its karate files and then tell your hands to start twirling a pool cue. For Scott Rogers, he has time to change out of his good shoes, kick a pen up your dick hole and repair a falling VCR.
For the rest of us, the idea of stopping a knife swing by hitting a moving Adam’s apple with the end of a pool cue after even one beer is so ludicrous that Scott might as well ask us to throw a fireball at our attacker. And do you know what happens when a normal person grabs the middle of a pool cue and smacks someone with the tip of it? Fucking nothing! It does so little damage that they actually get healthier. That’s how you train cats to not shit in house plants, or how you get an elderly person’s attention when their hearing aid is off. I’m glad you can kill a guy like that, but we were raised in Earth gravity, dick.
S.P.E.A.R. System for Women and Self Defense Coaches - Rape Safe
by Tony Blauer
Tony Blauer sells special armor to wear when you pretend to rape people, and Tony Blauer has lost his goddamn mind. I don’t know if he grew up on the streets outside a rape factory or if scientists replaced his brain with a stack of rejected Dirty Harry sequels, but he is living on Planet Tony Blauer, the stabbing capital of the universe where nothing goes unraped.
He invented the system of Chu Fen Do which is Chinese for “I read Bruce Lee’s book and I vote against rape whenever given the option.” The tape begins with Tony recording the intro on his balcony, and it falls apart in less than 10 seconds. Tony talks about how he doesn’t teach martial arts “moves.” He teaches a mindset… a “concept” that will keep you safe. Then he gets interrupted by a low-flying aircraft. Where a normal person would stop filming, he instead goes insane. He just starts incorporating it into his speech. He says, and I fucking quote, “This is classified information. That’s why we’ve got helicopters flying overhead.”
What the fucking what!? Is he out of his fucking mind, or does he think we are? He’s recording a description of a concept on a VHS camcorder for retail market, and he’s protecting it with helicopters!!! Why?No wait, How? Are they going to drop napalm on his camera man? Scream ineffective martial arts tips and hope the enemy spies get mixed up? Plus, who decided that all this information on how to prevent rape should be classified? Shouldn’t you be extremely suspicious of why anyone would suggest that?
And then it gets crazier! He warns the viewer that people are using listening devices to get this information right at this very moment, but he has a SWAT team there to take care of it. I’m serious! This is not hyperbole for a comedy article! To be honest, I couldn’t understand some of the SWAT team part because nearby traffic choppers beat nearby camcorder microphones every time. But he definitely said something that implied there was a SWAT team close by to protect the intellectual copyrights of his karate tape.
I think Tony sent the National Guard into his apartment complex that night to rape everyone within earshot of his balcony, and anybody who knew how to prevent it got arrested for stealing classified information. And you know what happens to people like that in prison! Well, not them, I guess.
The whole tape is like that. Tony never teaches anything for more than 10 seconds before getting sidetracked by his own gritty and vivid imagination. At one point he loses track of where he is because he starts ranting about all those damn guys who sign up for rape prevention classes just to prove how they don’t work. What? Has that ever happened? And if it has, wouldn’t that have been the most famous headline in history? Tony Blauer and 14 Women Raped by Overzealous Martial Arts Demonstrator at Rape Prevention Class.
The Approach
by Eddie Quinn
The Approach has its own theme song, which is mostly about two things: 1) how much of a pussy you are and 2) what The Approach does to pussies. The Approach recorded it by wiring an electric guitar to a heavy smoker’s dong and then torturing them both.
As we’ve seen, all martial artists fend off imagined attacks differently. Scott Rogers stops an attacker by striking four separate nerve clusters simultaneously. Tony Blauer would take what he knows about Eastern martial arts, remember a story about a kung fu fighter who was raped and tell it to his attacker before hearing a car and announcing that it must be the secret, mobile headquarters of his enemy, Professor Crime. And now we have Eddie Quinn and The APPROOOOOOOOACH!!!
Listen to the theme song and watch the intro. It’s the APPROOOOOOOOACH!!!
The Approach seems strangely practical for a self defense technique. It seems to know that my attacker won’t always move in slow motion after a cute skit. It also seems to know that when a punch is coming in, I won’t have time to block with both hands while applying joint locks with my feet. The Appro(ooooooo)ach sort of looks like an ape learning to swim, using your head instead of water. I haven’t seen such savage combat since a girl scout gave Chris Brown the wrong change.
The Appro(ooo)ach seems to go by the basic rule of street fighting: If you’re Chuck Lidell, carefully punch your opponent’s jaw when they leave an opening. If for some reason you’re not Chuck Lidell, tornado spaz with your arms before your opponent thinks of it. If an untrained caveman and a karate man meet during their travels through time, the caveman wins. Because he uses The Appro(oo)ach.
I hate The Appro(o)ach. The appeal of non-competitive martial arts is that they exist in a world where ninjas might rappel out of a Blackhawk to interrupt you while you’re training with nunchucks. Where every street corner has two muggers that drop their knives when you gently snap your foot into their tummy. The Approach has none of this. It’s practically an instruction manual on how to effectively win a real confrontation!
Without ass kick fantasies, most martial arts are just a shitty workout. An ass kick fantasy is when you imagine an unlikely situation, then solve it like Marvel comics would. For example, if you’re on the way to the movies and you start picturing a guy talking behind you, and then you picture how you would climb over the seat to drive your thumbs into his eyes and knee his nose cartilage into his brain as your rippling muscles… they… NO! Your muscles! They’re reknitting themselves into the form of a wolf!!! Not here! Not noooooooow!!!
That’s an ass kick fantasy. In the black community, you might have heard this phenomenon referred to as “wish-a-nigga-would.” In the Burmese community, I think they call it “brunch.” But whatever you want to call it, it’s the inspiration behind every martial art.
Martial Arts for People with Disabilities
Like I mentioned, most bar fighting videos are so concerned with jump kicks and laser beams that they ignore the obvious: For very location-related reasons, I’m all fucked up. I’m watching something with 5 o’clock shadow shit in a beer pitcher while I make sure I have enough condoms for what comes next. I’m in no condition to be fighting anything, much less an attacker! Well, the closest I could come for this eventuality was Martial Arts for People with Disabilities.
It sucked. It was mostly diagrams of Katas, which are slow motion fights that martial artists have against invisible enemies. They’re not very effective against real enemies, but that doesn’t matter. Because when you attack someone in a wheelchair, God makes a special appearance to spell “Are you fucking kidding me!?” in your corpse with lightning bolts.
Bas Rutten’s Lethal Street Fighting Self Defense System
by Bas Rutten
Here’s what I learned from Bas Rutten’s video: If you ever have a disagreement with Bas Rutten, he will perform a one man show on your groin.
Please enjoy these highlights:
Bas takes true pleasure in ramming human heads into things, and his self defense system seems to center around entertaining his friends as he hospitalizes a foe. In at least half the bar fight scenarios, he’s the one who initiates the violence. A typical Bas Rutten scenario is this:
I’m not positive, but I think Bas Rutten has made the first self defense instructional video for the bad guy. Which is troubling news because it’s much, much better than the ones for the good guy. So I guess the only thing I’ve learned is that when a bar fight ever breaks out, you’re going to die. And if Bas Rutten ever breaks out, we’re all going to die.
This entry was posted on Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 13th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
“Tony Blauer and 14 Women Raped by Overzealous Martial Arts Demonstrator at Rape Prevention Class.”
Can’t STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that Bas guy was mesmerizing.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I trained with Bas for a while in 2000. The dude is mean, man. He broke like 2 guys legs in sparring. We went it at and I actually knocked him dizzy. And then he BANG BANG BANG! DANT U EVA DOOO DIS!! To me and then I retired.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
i wonder what would happen in a fight between skip rogers and scott rogers?
October 31st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Hahaha! I use one of Bas Rutten’s systems. That’s fucking hilarious!
October 31st, 2009 at 12:37 am
Bas Rutten FTW - dong dong chu sing along guys \o/
October 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
@ BH- No, that is a horrible idea. He would yell, “Nom nom nom,” and bite off Bale’s face thereby forcing us to recast Daniel Craig as Batman.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Bas Rutten probably would throatfuck a violent drunk.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
You forgot ghetto boxing.
if you havent seen it. please just find a clip.
it is literally the most retarded thing ive seen.
But you may find it helpful.
not only does it remind you how cat all of the cats are tryin to fight you but you can distract that cat with a handful of change and then proceed to beat his ass with a broken antenna used as a whip.
take that
cat.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:58 am
funny but educational…. =))
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
The reason Bas is going to win a fight with those people is he’s twice the size of them. He’s a fucking muscle mountain next to those scawny weaklings.
The problem with people trying to learn to fight from a video is that it doesn’t work. Period. Sure all those sweet moves will work…but watching a video 100 times is no comparison to actually taking a Brazillian Jiu Jutsu class and actually practicing for a few years. Even in a couple months you’ll be competent in BJJ especially when getting in a dumb ass bar fight with some drunk moron.
A lot of the time people enroll in some McDojo that specializes in ripping you off and making you feel confident which is just going to get some peoples asses handed to them when they discover they still can’t fight. Most, and I emphasize most, Tae Kwan Do schools teach kids how to point spar and give them inflated egos.
Bottom line, the only way to learn to fight is to fight. If your fighting class doesn’t have a lot of sparring it’s more than likely garbage. Go take a boxing class…those are usually pretty straight forward and have a lower chance of being a McDojo. Or any place that actually sponsors actual fighters..they usually don’t sell bullshit.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Yeah, Bas’s moves are appropriate for a bar fight. No wasted movement, no fancy flashy shit that will only get your ass kicked in a crowded venue.
But was I the only one that kept seeing old comic book scenes in my mind while ye yells out “BIFF! BAM! SOCK!”?
October 17th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
“and everything that isn’t the couch is lava” - just sprayed chocolate milk out my nose like a kid in the lunchroom when someone made a booger joke. Bas is a fucking maniac. Seriously, a video on how to win a fight with a guy who doesn’t even want to fight you? Remind me never to go into a bar when he is bouncing. Bong Bong. Stab the liver.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:30 am
The people dissing on Bas’s technique are full of themselves. I don’t know much about martial arts and I don’t follow the UFC, but I do work as a bouncer in a bad part of town.
Just because you practice martial arts doesn’t really mean you know how to fight. I used to do Karate as a little kid, but I have no more formal training than that, and I have personally taken down several “martial artists” just because I know how to move in a real fight. Bas also knows how to move in a real fight, which means “rush in faster than your opponent can compensate for and hit him every place that hurts.”
Also, waiting for someone else to make the first move could mean that you are already dead, just keep that in mind. If you feel physically threatened, you have the legal right to bring the situation to an end.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Oh no, Miss Madeliene … Sean is actually a more than competent Muay Thai competitor.
And The Appro(ooo)ach is not (by *any* stretch of your addmittedly weak imagination) a martial art of any flavour.
And we all love El Guapo.
So shut the fuck up and go back to watching your Tae Kwan Do tournaments on TV.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I like how his sound effect for punching is “bong! bong! bong!”
October 8th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
The bas rutten one made me piss myself. Mostly because its true.
Its dirty, underhanded and it works very well. And YES it works so well because more than half of the time Bas advises the viewer to start groin kicking and throat slashing when the ‘attacker’ has no idea he’s attacking you. haha
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Um YEAH IT WORKED TOO! My vagina is split in two. lol….Are you single?
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
did he use the APPROOAAAACHHH?????
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I did that guy who did the approach.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:51 am
Where can I find these SPEAR defense videos? I cant find the crappy ones on youtube! Bas is a killer, “bong!, bong!, bong!”
October 1st, 2009 at 9:24 pm
When Zeus defecated on Texas, Chuck Norris was born.
None of these clowns stood a chance.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Bas rocks, I use Bas’ self defense techniques and I beat 4 beasts 5 times my size in a bar fight. Check out celldefense.com to see you bas is helping us out by saving us $$$ and giving contracts the liver shot1
September 30th, 2009 at 9:22 am
5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn’t Listen To) | Cracked.com…
Seanbaby vs Crappy Fight Manuals….
September 28th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
That is totally Lemmy from Motorhead on the Aproooooooach song.
September 28th, 2009 at 11:45 am
“…he has time to change out of his good shoes, kick a pen up your dick hole and repair a falling VCR.”
This article is dripping with brilliance…lol
September 28th, 2009 at 10:09 am
“…everything that isn’t the couch is lava.”
that was AMAZING. if only every bar fight could be just like that.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Hey Shaggy: Jokes are funnier when you fucking READ them!
September 27th, 2009 at 9:59 am
i bet bas does the sound effects in real fights, probably as insult to injury.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Bas Ruten is the fucking man at bar fighting. I loved his voice work for Grand Theft Auto IV. “So I sliced his throat, and he’s all like ‘blaaaaaaagh’ and the bartender’s screaming and I’m all like ‘fuck you bartender!’ and then I go home, and have a nice, warm, bubblebath.”
September 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Fail. What a painful cluster of run-on bullshit.
September 26th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Bas has just linked to this from his personal Twitter account! He truly is the man
September 26th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Shawnbaby should have a self-defense video where he defeats all opponents with scathing humor. It would sell bunches.
If I ever got in a fight with Bas Rutten, I would run away. Then, while Bas is explaining to the cops why he just went ape-shit in a bar, I would sneak into his house and leave his refrigerator door open. That would teach em!
September 25th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
If you need an upper hand fast, one word… smokebomb.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Bas Rutton fucked my wife. True story.
Why’d you fuck my wife Bas.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
BANG! BANG! BANG! To the head. To the Groin, then Bang! to the head again. Sorry, and thank you for playing. Dont talk about my grandmother that way.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Fucking hilarious, thank you! Always welcome an opportunity to convulse and flail about on m’ desk.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Also, my favorite part of the Bas video is,
Bas - “Okay I’m sorry…BANG BANG BANG…no I’m not.”
September 25th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Notsohottopic -
If you do not know who Bas Rutten is, then you are not a real Martial Artist. As for your stinging critique of his form, I’m sure your McDojo Sensei has convinced you that his lineage holds the only secret to the proper front push kick, but different Martial Arts have different means of execution. And ALL of them are immune to your low block.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I’ve read literally hundreds of Cracked articles, and this may be the funniest one I’ve ever read - certainly in the top 3. Everyone who rips on you can eat a dick; you’re one funny mofo.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“I don’t believe in an eye for an eye; I believe in two eyes for an eye”
lol
September 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Bas Ruten’s hilarious commentary can be seen in Waderlai Silva vs Mark Hunt. Also funny when Ryo
chochan got Anderson Silva down vis Sambo Scissor sweep, finishing with heel hook. Self defense always involves walking away. Make spcae (thgough preferred technique) then walk home to screw the sexy gils/boys/trannies that you want.
September 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Before I started I reading this I thought, “Bas better not be on this bitch”. But everything you wrote is true. ROTFLMAO.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am
What the fuck? Are there people who actually don’t know who Bas Rutten is? Seriously? Wow. Of course, these are probably the same people who think their Tae Kwon Do black belt has prepared them to defend themselves in just about any situation.
As has been said many times, Bas is the man.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:50 am
The Bas Rutten approach appears to have too much underlying homoeroticism for a standard bar fight - he’s more into Batman’s terrirtory. Also, you ge the impression that he’d actually do the sound effects himself in the actual fight - he seems to enjoy it so much. Hey, that’s another thing he has in common with Batman villans! He really needs to be in the next Batman film…
As for the Approooooaaach, it wasn’t the guitar in the theme tune that stood out, but the drunk guy on the 59p microphone doing the vocals.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Ok, Bas isn’t suggesting you slit someone’s throat in his video… that scene is showing how you never know what someone ELSE will have in their hands.
And as for why he’s not in jail? First, not everywhere in the world is like the USA (try telling the guy kicking your ass in Brazil that you’re going to call the cops… see how that works for you). Second, the chances that you’re going to get identified at a club/bar in a big city? Not that high really. And you’re probably not going to run into the kind of douchebags that start this shit in your own hometown hangout.
That said? I’m being WAY to fucking serious in the comments for an article that is this goddamn funny.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:56 am
[...] Early blogging adopter and general funny dude Seanbaby takes on Bas Rutten’s self defense videos over at Cracked. [...]
September 25th, 2009 at 6:58 am
bas rutten is pretty awesome haha
September 25th, 2009 at 12:25 am
“Stab him in da liver… In da liver”
September 25th, 2009 at 12:15 am
“I’m not positive, but I think Bas Rutten has made the first self defense instructional video for the bad guy. ” after watching the vid and reading that line i pissed myself laughing. best article ive read in ages
September 24th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
In a bar fight you are too drunk to care…… to remember the APPROACH! then the bar tender knows a techneique called curchuck he starts off with step one
1. CALM DOWN YOUS IDIOTS!
2. Pulls shotgun
3. gose curchuk!
4. Blast a clean hole in idiot if nessicary.
Ok so your sober in a bar you see a fight you yell APPROACH!
they will stop laugh take a few bears and then kick your ass till they are sober enough to drive home.
Your best bet in a bar fight.
Don’t look for trouble
Don’t yell approach!
and don’t get into a barfight becuse in those situations its 30 on 1 and your the one!
follow these steps and you two can be a barroom hero!
September 24th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
oh shit this dude is a lunatic!
two eyes for an eye leaves Bas staring monocularily through a bloody veil as your blind arse screams, crying tears of blood from vacant pits of darkness boring into your brain
“stab to the liver, stab to the liver”
September 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Bas Rutten is a real person(sorta)? I thought he was a made up character for GTA4.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
great article, 5 stars and greetings from Romania
September 24th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
WOW… this Bas Rutten is manlier than Chuck Norris!!!
Great article… made me laugh my *ss out!
September 24th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Bas Rutten will kill you if you speak ill of his wife. He’s even got the technique down! I wonder if he’s ogot any tips for attacking during a trial? “You ain’t lettin’ him bang his gavel, so you go, ‘bang,bang’ gavel to the face, wham, kick the custodians, then choke the guy out with his robe.
I will also point out the “approach” seems like what you’d do if drunk and angry.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Dude, enough with the fucking fat-people jokes. Seriously, you didn’t even make it out of the first paragraph this time.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Bas Rutten is funny, esspescailly in GTA4.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Bas Ruben’s techniques may or not be good, but there’s one thing for certain… they’re a surefire way to get into jail.
Self-Defense is a LEGALLY defined term, you can’t have gone ‘oh sorry sorry… NO I’M NOT’ and then stab some aggressive guy with a hidden knife… by that definition, you are the assailant and you should be thrown in jail. There’s a huge difference between fighting back against an unprovoked attack and actually acting in such a way that almost guarantees you that you’ll be attacked by thugs. To top it all, using disproportionate force, even when in an otherwise legitimate situation could invalidate your self-defense claim.
It’s a complex issue and needs some serious insight before you consider the physical aspect of it.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
My favorite Bas moment was when he exploded some guy’s liver in Japan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBUJa7ndYL0&feature=related
That guy almost died. And he looked like the Karate Kid, too.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Whether or not Bas Rutten actually is a ‘professional’ martial artist, his moves are sloppy. Like the front kick at 1:17, his foot returns with a half-circular motion. That just means it’s easy enough to do a low block for the kick, and trip the fool with a foot sweep. Love the additional sound effects with his attacks…
Also, he’s seen attacking people when they’re already on the ground. Judging from his years of ‘experience’ at the bar, why hasn’t the guy been sued a million times?
September 24th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Oh man, I was literally wiping away tears from laughing so hard. The first two were the funniest. I was dying.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Bas Rutten is the man. The end.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Holy shit that Bas video made my day. Also made me want to practice my Hapkido. Heel to the balls!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
ITS THE APPROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOACH!!!
LOL great article
September 24th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Aw man, I thought I invented the “everything but the couch is lava” thing back in second grade, but I guess I owe those many fantabulous hours of cushion-jumping to the brilliant techniques of Scott Rogers. Does that mean I’m ready for a barfight?
You don’t need me to tell you this was great, you already know it.
ALSO is that really that Bas guy in the Cartoon Network commercial? Wow.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
another hit
September 24th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I love how Bas Rutten is this enormously built dude and his opponents are just average Joes. His videos would be more convincing if he were attacked by a giant robot or something.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
bas will crush your chest so hard your ribs will come out your back. what was it like twice the amount of force in his kick that it takes for car makers to declare their cars unsafe?? fuckin unbelievable http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGjPnLjvvrs
that’s a guy i want on my side of the bar fight
seanbaby- oh man you on cracked is just like when i used to flip to the back of the magazine first so i could read the only part of the mag worth reading. given your affinity for violence and video games when are you gonna make one of your own instructional kickass videos for weinie arm gamers with nothing but amazing thumb and forefinger strength?
September 24th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Man I watched that Bas video like two years ago and it really helped me send people to the hospital. Also yes I was the bad guy in every fight. Thanks Bas!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Hilarious..loved the Scott Rogers part.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
That Bas Ruten video remains one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Seanbaby nails it, the dude is telling you how to protect yourself from people who greet you casually.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I used to run a training course for Security Guards and I had a guy come in to teach the Control & Restraint part of the course.
He was exactly like this guy.
I had students actually say, “I know I’m here to learn stuff but seriously, I didn’t come here to get assaulted.”
Half the class limping off to lunch because they just had their ball mashed wasn’t exactly marketing dynamite.
Anyway, the guy got replaced before I was sued.
I shouldn’t laugh… but I still do…
September 24th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Oh my God I LOVE the Bas Rutten one! I watched it online when doing research for my book (I’ve never been in a fight in my life). I laughed so hard I almost split a gut, but it was laughter of delight. That was fracking AWESOME!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY DEAD XD
September 24th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Bas Rutten was king, he basically stepped in the UFC because “some of his old wrestling friends competed there” and just smashed in the face of everyone. Heavyweight champion. Go figure.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Ahahahahaha oh man Seanbaby there aren’t words to describe how awesome this article was… Your finest talents appear when you write about violence, especially violent weirdos and losers.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Most of Bas’ moves start out with Yell BANG > Groin kick > Repeated face pummell.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
yeah, bas rutten that dude on the Men’s Room on GTA4 tv, its hilariously similar to his movie.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“Then I slaaam his head to the table, maybe like ten times or so like BANGADA-BANGADA-BANGADA-AND-DON’T-YOU-HAVE-FUN-DOING-THIS?!”
September 24th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
seanbaby, by far you are the funniest writer on cracked. shits hilarious…
September 24th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Bas Rutten’s combat guide is the best
“You say something about my wife, I’m sorry, I’m going to break your leg.”
September 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Ahh, when Bas slashed the jugular, he was showing what a guy with a knife can do to you if you look away for a moment. It was not implying that he thinks he needs to slash people throats.He was taking the role of a “bad guy” to show how dangerous it is to get careless.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
The APPROOOOOOOOACH!!! looks like it would be effective against guys who are really, really, drunk, or have no Idea how to fight. Which is most people, So it could be effective. Bas Rutten’s stuff seems like it would take a while to learn, but it does kick ass.
September 24th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
This guy lost a bar fight. It was ugggly.
http://makefunofmyfriends.com/see-my-friends-in-pain/does-this-look-infected-to-you/
September 24th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
The face of a Goomba. The voice of Niko Bellic. The skills of fucking Batman.
He is…Bas Ratten, and if you can see him, you can only pray he will grant you a swift death.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Ah, now I remember where I saw Bas Rutten before. In my nightmares and on one of the TV shows you can watch in Grand Theft Auto 4. Was it called “The Mens Room” or something like that?
September 24th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
What the fuck is up with the beginning?
September 24th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I haven’t seen such savage combat since a girl scout gave Chris Brown the wrong change.
fucking genius
September 24th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
The best way to start a bar fight with Bas is using a sniper rifle from 1,000 yards away.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Best Cracked article in a long while
September 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
DANGADA-DANGADA-DANG!
September 24th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
IT’S STARTING TIME AGAIN.
Heel to da Balls!
I’m sorry…No i’m not!
Two eyes, for one eye.
……fuuuuck.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Robert: Don’t you mean “If you ever decide to ask the time or think to hard in the general direction of Bas, you deserve to die.”?
September 24th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Bas Rutten is my new hero. BAM! KICK TO THE BALLS, KICK TO THE BALLS!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Have to agree, Bas Rutten is fucking awesome.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Damn, sometimes the articles here are pretty hit and miss, but this one hit the spot.
‘…everything but the couch is lava.’ Had me laughing out loud and scaring my room mates.
Thanks Seanbaby.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:15 am
“…the stabbing capital of the universe where nothing goes unraped.”
I don’t think the Baltimore Tourism Board would be too happy about you stealing their slogan.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:13 am
In a real life situation…. Saying I know the APPROACH! in a fight where you got your mystic gas station video store martial arts VS a bunch of dumbass punks that have clubs chains and knives well. Darwinism shall take it’s course. These videos are for those who wanna learn a fighting skill without the actuall training!
Jakets martial arts video…
Okey heres a move I learned in Mikotakatiwanacambodia Oregon!
Ok step one
HI!
step two.
YA!
Now combine 1 and 2 and you shall overcome anybody in the public library in no time at all! thats right little jimmy you can impress your bullys with your skill of shouting and posing like an angry MJ impersonator.
September 24th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I believe in 2 eyes for an eye …
September 24th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Oh yeah, and bas rutten’s kick generates more force than a car crash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGjPnLjvvrs
September 24th, 2009 at 11:00 am
when i saw bas rutten’s beautiful face on the front page, a thousand rainbows blew out of my chest. I remember a long time ago me and my friend watched his bar fighting video and we spent like months after trying to learn his moves. we actually got pretty good.
“This guy just tried to kill you. Let’s return the favor!”
September 24th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Can’t stop laughing… Bas Rutten is too funny….
September 24th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Bas Rutten is the fucking man! Those techniques saved my life, twice, today.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
If there is one thing to learn from this is don’t fuck with Bas Rutten.
Also, if you start a bar fight with Bas, you deserve to die.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Seanbaby, you need to redo the dialogue on comics/diagrams/screenshots more often, they’re my favorite thing that you do. Hilarious!
September 24th, 2009 at 10:15 am
From this I have concluded that Bas Rutten is really Batman.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I’m starting to spend my weeks pining for a new seanbaby article. Outstanding as usual.
“In the black community, you might have heard this phenomenon referred to as ‘wish-a-nigga-would.’ In the Burmese community, I think they call it ‘brunch.’”
September 24th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Thanks a lot. My eyeliner is all smeared from tears of laughter.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I quote Seanbaby articles more than any others. There are parts of the worst pieces of advice ever that I still can’t read out loud because I stop breathing from laughter. “wish-a-nigga-would” is also one of those moments.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:28 am
holy crap i just saw that bas rutten guy on a freaking cartoon network get active commercial just now lmao
September 24th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Here’s how to fend them off with a torch on the end of a grappling hook… and everything that isn’t the couch is lava.
Classic. Very funny article.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I was laughing my ass off the whole time. It’s nice to read an article on Cracked that’s not about movies or weird facts for once.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:09 am
“‘Right away you say.. ‘okay, I’m sorry.. Bang! Bang! Bang! No I’m not..’”
Almost pissed myself.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Fuggen hilarious. Well written, too. You’re one of the good ones, seanbaby.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:50 am
What the holy fuck. Bas Rutten must be the son (grandson?) of the guy who dreamt up the onamotapeia for fight scenes in the old Batman show.
I picture him saying this shit in actual bar fights and at first cannot take him seriously. Then I remember that he would still be totally killing my ass while saying “bong, bong, bong” and slamming my face into a pub table.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I agree with bostonrocco
“Are those trainers?! NOT IN MY CLUB!
SLASH!”
September 24th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Wow. This is hilarious.
Bas’ move where he slashes a guys throat out of no where seems, kind of, well, illegal. I mean he acts like he’s posing for a school portrait and then slashes the throat out of nowhere. That’s a lot less “defense” and a whole lot “homicidal over-reaction”. Anyway, where is he bouncing that you need to cut jugulars?
Boom, boom, baung. Kick to the genitals.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Gotta love Bas Rutten’s sound effects during the video. BOING BOING! Hahah
September 24th, 2009 at 8:06 am
If Bas Rutten says something works then you shouldn’t question him.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Top fucking article (Y)
Loved the Tony Blauer parts
September 24th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Seanbay have I got the Sensei for you. . .
Drunk as Balls Dojo
Date: 2009-05-11, 12:21AM MST
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Master O’reilly will take you from the pansy-ass lush you are now to becoming a true liability in only 5 weeks. Intensive training covering such varied areas of self-offense as:
-Using wing sauce as a weapon
-Breaking a beer bottle without slicing and dicing your hands
- Accurate projectile vomiting
- Flicking a lit cigarette into someones face
- “Getting the fuck outta there”
Classes will be held every Monday, Weds, and Friday- with Fridays being reserved for critiquing failed technique in the classic and award winning movie Roadhouse. You’ll come to class, get wasted drunk, and mix it up with other like-minded individuals. Master Ryan will show you the path to true ‘trouble maker.’ Only when you reach that point will you be able to tell that douche-bag how ridiculous his shirt/hat/girlfriend is with the confidence that only comes from being trained as a drunk fighter. If you aspire to bar-flydom, this class is a must have!
Classes start at $50 a week + a 12 pack per class.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Ahhh Bas Rutten, was it really neccessary for him to yell BANG BANG BANG as he kept hockey-punching the first dude in the head?
I don’t know, all I know is it’s goddamn effective.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Holy Shit, It’s as if Seanbaby is lifting all the recently downloaded torrent files directly off my computer and basing article around them. Ong Bak 2 and now Bas Rutten’s video?
I only wish I came across Bas Rutten’s Self-Defense video back when I was a 20-year-old bar fighting miscreant with a death wish.
I especially like the parts where he shows you the scenario where his buddy pretends to insult Bas Rutten’s wife, then Bas shows you how to break his ankle, roundhouse kick the entire table, and proceed to stab the attacker in his kidneys just to teach him some manners.
I’v been digging your style since Game Informer, man. Keep the laughs coming.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Is Bas Rutten somehow related to Chuck Norris?
September 24th, 2009 at 7:42 am
I love you, Seanbaby.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I love how at about 5:00 in the Bas video his partner is tapping him and Bas doesn’t seem to care.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:35 am
If you don’t like seanbaby’s articles (Nick Burns, pedgerow) then don’t fuckin read em! Simple as that. I like how all the comments were about Bas Rutten. Just points out how he’s the fuckin man! Excellent article. The last paragraph had me cracking up in the library.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Goddamn funny~!!
September 24th, 2009 at 7:26 am
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September 24th, 2009 at 7:23 am
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September 24th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Bas Rutten is awesome. End of story. Love that guy.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:16 am
“Warm your penis in da wound”…holy shit, priceless. Mental imagery of absurdist nightmares, no-neck I-need-validation-tough guys, and production qualities that would make Public Access blush pretty much sum this up nicely.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Well, after watching that sample, I really want to start a fight. I can only imagine how much aggression must be flowing flowing through your veins after watching 5 of these videos…
I did learn 1 important lesson, don’t pick a fight with Bas Rutten. I actually knew that before, but now I realize why.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:11 am
“Hey Bas! long time no see, can I buy you a pin-”
“SMASH! Snap his wrist! Money out of de hand and smash it into his eyes and then BANG BANG BANG! UNDER YOUR FOOT, HE’S DEAD!
THEN DRINK HIS BEER!”
September 24th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Imagine what kind of world you have to live in where shit like this is relevant. It must be a world where a full set of teeth is considered superfluous, or the IROC-Z is a sought-after car.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:00 am
oh wow seanbaby, week after week you have me laughing out loud, much to the chagrin of the people around me
September 24th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Bas Rutten was an excellent UFC fighter… The bad thing about his ‘Self defense’ videos is that it works… If you’re Bas fucking Rutten… His defense to bear hugs and chokeholds… Pick the guy up, break him on your knee…
First few gun defenses were straight from Krav Maga, dunno about the last 2 or 3 though…
Awesome article man =D
September 24th, 2009 at 6:47 am
I learned that kicking a guy in the groin is a good idea to start a fight, and its not a sissy cheap dishonorable trick. Thank you Bas Rutten and seanbaby for starting my rain of evil fighting.
Also, the half a guy comic was hilarius
September 24th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I’m really getting tired of Seanbaby’s crap…
September 24th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I also believe in 2 eyes for an eye
September 24th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Use the APPROOOOOOOOOOOOACH.
Awesome article.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:15 am
If Seanbaby could get over his combat fetish and write about something normal, he would be the funniest human being on the face of the planet. This was really very well written indeed; if it was the only one he’d written about fighting I’d say it’s one of the best articles ever on Cracked. But seriously, Seanbaby- get a new hobby. You’re like one of those fat kids who does judo and tells people, “Grab my wrist! Right there! I know how to break it!”
September 24th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Oh wow, no way dude that looks like fun!
RT
http://www.privacy-web.pro.tc
September 24th, 2009 at 6:11 am
*Caution* Seanbaby articles may cause the following symptoms:
Throat rupture
Lactose eruption from nasal cavity
Slight self-Urination
Hysteria
If you are at risk for heart attacks or have high-blood pressure, please consult a physician before use of Seanbaby articles.
Thank you,
Cracked Pharmaceuticals.
“We make things to kill you, because we care.”
September 24th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Watched this at work with Mute on… so I now have to imagine that “warm you penis in da wound” is actual dialogue.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:00 am
DON’T YOUU EVEER DOOO THIIIS…
September 24th, 2009 at 5:50 am
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September 24th, 2009 at 5:45 am
A stupid subject, but massively fucking hilarious. Seanbaby could write a manual on how to care for your herpe sores, and it’d be a chucklefest.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Bas Rutten’s video consisted intirely of
BANG BANG BANG GANG GANG BANG GAAAANG BAAANNG GROIN!!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Bas Rutten is God
September 24th, 2009 at 5:39 am
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September 24th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I love these martial arts articles you do, the video game analogies are good but this and your MMA pieces 999999999999x better!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Bas Rutten is GOD! if anything you should listen to him!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Holy crap, Bas Rutten WASN’T a made up character for GTA IV?! That’s a real guy??
September 24th, 2009 at 5:18 am
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September 24th, 2009 at 5:17 am
seanbaby makes thursdays better
September 24th, 2009 at 5:12 am
dude, wtf, I thought this was gonna be about pizza wizards?
September 24th, 2009 at 5:07 am
seanbaby is a muay thai expert
September 24th, 2009 at 5:03 am
The final entry honestly got a laugh out of me. That hardly ever happens.
This video is henceforth mandatory for my henchmen.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Bas “El Guapo” Rutten and Seanbaby for UFC commentators. Do away with Rogan and Goldberg. (Depends if Seanbaby has a face for internet or not…..)
Great article!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Finally a Seanbaby article i liked… Nice job…
September 24th, 2009 at 4:55 am
This reminded me of kick-to-the-groin-comics!
Good job SB!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Best article on cracked ever, where do u find these things?
September 24th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Wow, a (not so) thinly veiled attack on martial arts! I can’t believe you went to so much effort to have a go (if you missed it, check the subtlety in the approoooooach paragraph). A bit bitter are we? Loser…
September 24th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Bas Rutten love onomatopoeias. Awesome stuff.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:30 am
KICK TO THE BALLS
September 24th, 2009 at 4:29 am
fuck yea Scott Rogers
September 24th, 2009 at 4:27 am
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:26 am
I prefer the Bas Jones method of self defense.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9Rc1dsnpJU&feature=player_embedded