Hilariously WTF Substitutes For 2020's Postponed Movies
With movie theaters across the globe shutting down, upcoming movies are either heading straight to video-on-demand, or have been delayed until a time in which we're not all not living inside the first 180 pages of a Stephen King novel. Understandably, a lot of movie fans are disappointed, so we've cooked up a list of some more off-the-beaten-path home video substitutes for the exciting new movies you won't be seeing any time soon. So pop some popcorn, dress your cat up in a tiny usher's uniform, and try ...
Turns Out There's a Whole Bunch of Mulan Movies You Guys
Adding to its rocky production history, Disney's new Mulan has understandably been delayed from its March 26 release date (meaning there's still time for them to add an animated dragon voiced by Eddie Murphy, just saying). It's especially frustrating because early reviews were glowing, claiming that Mulan is Disney's "best live-action remake" -- though, to be fair, most of them have felt like big-budget porn parodies of animated classics.
Despite the fact that Disney loves copyrighting characters (hell, they'd probably copyright you if it were even vaguely legal) Mulan is an ancient legend and immune from Mickey's thirst for intellectual property. This also means that there are tons of live-action Mulan movies for you to enjoy, mostly made in China. The first one was a silent film back in 1927, but if you're into talkies, there's 1939's Mulan Joins the Army -- which also didn't enjoy a smooth theatrical release. One early screening was interrupted by political protestors who set fire to the film reels which led to a full-blown riot. In 1964, The Shaw Brothers Studio released Hua Mulan, an epic, operatic version of the story, which you can watch on the decidedly non-epic format of YouTube.
More recently there was the action-filled live-action Mulan: Rise of a Warrior in 2009, which looks not dissimilar from the action-filled live-action Mulan Disney was set to release. It's even a tad grittier, with adult themes and even blood.
Again, sadly, there's not a talking dragon in sight.
Instead of No Time to Die, Check Out ... Never Too Young To Die
The newest Bond flick, No Time to Die hasn't had the easiest path to the big screen; original director Danny Boyle bailed on the project, Daniel Craig injured his ankle during filming, and a maintenance worker was arrested for hiding a "spy camera" in the women's washroom. And even now that the movie is finally finished, its release has been postponed until November.
Assuming that you've seen all the Bond movies, we'd like to suggest the most bonkers Bond knock-off that doesn't star Sean Connery's talentless younger brother. If you've ever wanted to see a spy movie where TV's Uncle Jesse plays James Bond's son, there's 1986's Never Too Young to Die.
John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, son of a 007-like superspy played by an actual former Bond, George Lazenby. Oh, and the wildly problematic villain just so happens to be played by a cross-dressing Gene Simmons who probably needed a swimming pool's worth of Pepto Bismal after all the scenery he devoured.
Because it was the '80s, Lazenby gets killed by a cyberpunk-esque gang. This scene is intercut with Stamos performing a gymnastics routine ... again because it was the '80s. So is it a good movie? Hell, no. Is it worth watching to see the lead singer of Jesse and the Rippers murder the bassist for KISS as the latter is trying to shove his giant tongue down the former's throat? How can you even ask that?
Fast & Furious 9 isn't Happening Anytime Soon, So Why Not Watch The Wraith?
Fast & Furious 9 has been delayed until 2021 due to the coronavirus and whatever CGI is required to erase the bottle of Corona out of Dom Toretto's hand and replace it with a Heineken or something. This means we'll have to wait even longer to find out how Han has been brought back from the dead for the latest sequel.
Of course, a new Fast and the Furious movie is pretty much irreplaceable. Sure, you could try huffing a rag soaked in motor oil and Axe Body Spray while staring at the Oxford English Dictionary definition of "family" -- but it wouldn't be quite the same. But if you want a ridiculous action movie featuring street racers and a mysteriously resurrected character, how about The Wraith starring Charlie Sheen.
The movie is about a murdered teen who comes back to life as a supercar-driving "wraith" who suddenly looks like Charlie Sheen for some reason. He takes on the gang who murdered him using the supernatural power of ... more street racing. There's a lot of '80s awkwardness and low-budget shlock, but it has some pretty good action sequences (and Randy Quaid plays the town sheriff).
Instead of A Quiet Place 2 Try A Boy and His Dog
Since his story of journeying through disturbingly empty streets would have had to compete with, well, pretty much every window in the world, director John Krasinski pulled A Quiet Place 2 from theatres. Also we're guessing that the premise of a mom freaking out about the amount of noise her kids are making is playing out in a staggering number of homes for absolutely free.
There are a lot of movies about travelling across post-apocalyptic landscapes, but as far as we know, there's only which features Don Johnson and a telepathic canine: A Boy and His Dog. But instead of navigating killer aliens with the noise sensitivity of an elderly librarian, he's merely trying to meet women and get apoco-laid.
Based on a novella by legendary science fiction author Harlan Ellison, A Boy and His Dog is obviously far more absurd take on the post-apocalypse than A Quiet Place 2 -- but it's far less absurd than the cut of A Quiet Place in which the aliens were played by Jim Halpert in a leotard.
No Wonder Woman 1984? How About Supergirl From 1984
While sadly not a crossover in which an Amazonian warrior kicks ass in the world of George Orwell's classic literary dystopia, Wonder Woman 1984 looks to be a fun blend of superhero action and unadulterated '80s nostalgia. There's literally a scene where Wonder Woman fights bad guys in an old shopping mall, presumably after picking up a Bananarama tape from Sam Goody, which we assure you younger readers were real things and not a bunch of nonsense words we just made up.
While Wonder Woman 1984's release has been pushed back until August, luckily there's another female-fronted superhero movie you can check out, and it's also set in 1984 ... because that's when it was made. We're, of course, talking about Supergirl, the spin-off of the Christopher Reeve Superman series, in which Superman is conspicuously absent, presumably so "Superman's" career wouldn't be damaged.
Supergirl wasn't exactly well received at the time; it was mostly crapped on by critics and bombed at the box office. But today the movie has its defenders. Yes, the hokey story finds Supergirl battling a love potion-wielding witch, but its unabashed camp goofballery is totally in keeping with Silver Age comics. Plus, Supergirl's love interest is played by the skeezy cokehead from Die Hard. Plus there's a scene where Supergirl super-kicks a rapist right in the balls. So really, how bad could it be?
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