There is no language barrier in Ugandan Expendables. In the time it takes for you, the casual English-speaking viewer, to think, "I don't speak Swahili," you've already missed 25 principal actors get kicked to death. This is a dense masterpiece made by passionate, industrious filmmakers. It's a genre so indescribable, they literally had to make up words to describe it. One of those words is "supa BASTARD."

Wakaliwood

Wakaliwood
Real Talk: The action is supa BASTARD as shit.

The Ugandan Expendables includes the gratuitous shootouts from the Stallone original and somehow managed to do it with zero safety precautions and an unlimited stack of pirated editing software. Untrained stunt men fling themselves into the ground while wads of cartoon blood invade our reality from seemingly unrelated wormholes. It seems impossible you've ever done anything kind enough to Uganda to deserve this gift from them.

Wakaliwood

Wakaliwood
SUPA BASTAAAAARD!

Operation Kakongoliro! is the finest example of the expanding Uganda film industry, Wakaliwood, known for their crazy no-budget action movies. The internet first fell in love with them when it saw Who Killed Captain Alex, an inspired work of insanity made with less than $200 and (reportedly) real blood. A bucket of blood and $200 won't even get Christian Bale to take a meeting, and these Ugandans managed to choreograph 70 kung fu fights and bury 287 extras with it.

Wakaliwood
These are just the script supervisors.

Future Cops begins in the year 2043, with Chinese M. Bison being sentenced to death, and his loyal minions Toyota (E. Honda), Kent (Ken), and Thai King (Sagat) hatching an ambitious plan to save him. Only one of those guys work for M. Bison in the video game, implying the filmmakers had trouble following the plot of a game about fistfighting your way to a fistfight. As you're about to see, that stupidity pays off big time.

Golden Harvest
Set stupidity levels to full, Kent. And double it.

Instead of a prison escape, Kent, Toyota, and Thai King come up with the idea of time-traveling back to 1993 to brainwash the judge who convicted him. And their plan would have worked if not for three things: First, there is more than one judge in 2043 China; second, nothing suggests they know how to brainwash people; and third, Ryu, Vega, Dhalsim, and Guile overhear the plan and chase them back to 1993. Rest assured, the movie does nothing to make any of this sound more coherent.

Golden Harvest
Thinking too hard about the subtitles may cause nosebleeds.

By this point, the plot has kicked the legs out from under sanity and anything is possible. There are flying laser platforms, low-budget re-creations of every Street Fighter special move, and an entire subplot where the Future Cops go undercover at a high school. The pop culture references soon wobble off course, and people end up transforming into Dragon Ball Z characters or getting sucked into Super Mario Bros. arcade games.

Golden Harvest

Golden Harvest

Golden Harvest
"Guys, I think the costume designer might have lied when she said she played Street Fighter."

Future Cops is weirdly generous with its plot. They could have gotten away with just Street Fighter meets Terminator meets 21 Jump Street, but then they squeeze in several romances and a dystopian loveless future they need to prevent. You see, in 2043, sex is illegal after AIDS has wiped out most of humanity. It's a strange twist in a movie that seems to be designed around every video game and toy the filmmakers could think of. It's almost as if this was once a dark time-travel story and 80 pages of the script were accidentally replaced with children's Christmas lists.

Dr. Neil Connery might be playing himself (kind of), but he has all the powers of James Bond and then some. He is a surgeon, a hypnotist, an archer, a scientist, a ladies man, and a master with both types of karate chop. And when viewed through the filter of "This makes sense only if he doesn't get the difference between movies and real life," every fight and sexual conquest takes on a hilarious context. It's as if he's performing a great joke and also the only person who doesn't get it.

Italian director Alberto De Martino wasn't the first person to shamelessly rip off the James Bond phenomenon, but he goes for the brass ring. Instead of working for the Italian equivalent of British Intelligence, Dr. Neil Connery just punches in at the same place as the regular James Bond. He even meets up with two spies played by Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell, actors who played M and Miss Moneypenny, respectively, in several Bond films.

Those aren't the only Bond actors starring in this disaster. Daniela Bianchi, the female lead in From Russia With Love, shows up to dazzle Dr. Neil with her feminine wiles, and the evil leader of THANATOS is Adolfo Celi, aka Emilio Largo from Thunderball.

Produzione D.S.
Seen here wearing the "Thriller" jacket.

Again, the movie is entirely dependent on a childlike inability to understand that Sean Connery is not actually an international super spy, which is paradoxically its most glaring weakness and its greatest strength.

In Indonesia, these kinds of spirits are called pocong -- basically, people trapped in their death shrouds. It's not clear what Mr. Bean did to become a ghost, but it undoubtedly involved some manner of riotous pratfall.

The movie takes the goofy innocence of Mr. Bean and makes it its own. For instance, at one point in this comedy film, a chainsaw-wielding maniac humorlessly slaughters a pregnant woman and her husband. It's less funny than we're making it sound, though.

K2K Production
"All right, let's film this Mr. Bean scen- WHAT THE SHIT?! WHO IS THAT?!?"

The murdered couple become pocongs and meet Mr. Bean, whose mission is to escape from the Indonesian underworld at all costs. Also, Catwoman is there, as a singer, and getting to the Catwoman concert is everyone's main motivation for getting out of Hell.

K2K Production
"Any ghosts in the crowd tonight? Let me hear you if you were recently dismembered by a chainsaw killer!"

You can watch the entire film on YouTube, mainly because no one who makes a Mr. Bean vs. Catwoman knockoff has any right to fuss about copyright violations. Speaking of, the film was met with controversy after audiences felt tricked. Many of them were led to believe it was an official Mr. Bean film before finding out it was a madman's dream journal set in the afterlife starring a lookalike. And that lookalike, William Ferguson, was as confused as anyone. He was hired specifically because he resembles Rowan Atkinson, and the producers were happy to let people think he was the real Mr. Bean.

Ferguson didn't even know he was the main actor in the movie until he'd already filmed a third of it (it was a three-day shoot). After it was released, he felt ashamed for his role in deceiving moviegoers. In fairness, getting trapped in a bag and starring in the wrong movie in a foreign country is exactly the kind of thing Mr. Bean would do.

The Original:

Superman and Batman fight each other for the right to claim the more irritating fanbase, but they're forced to put aside their differences when Lex Luthor unleashes a cave troll on an abandoned ship graveyard. Everyone loses in the process.

The Foreign Ripoff:

In the Turkish film Demir Yumruk Devler Geliyor, instead of creating a thin excuse for Batman and Superman to fight, the filmmakers just combined them into the same character, which saves everyone a lot of time.

Metin Film
Part Batman, part Superman, all Turkish.

The fused heroes face off against Fu Manchu, a man with mechanical-handed henchmen and an endless supply of bikini-clad women. The twists and turns come so fast you often can't even tell the difference between them and genuine production mistakes, and neither could the actors or the director.

The villainous Fu Manchu is a relentless gay stereotype draped across several Asian stereotypes. He's something you'd normally only see in a sketch performed by a prison improv group.

Metin Film
"OK, we have the characters and setting. Now someone shout your favorite food and felony."

In keeping with the grand tradition of Turkish copyright-infringing cinema, wherein the only special effects occur when a stuntman accidentally falls into a thresher, costumes seem to have been thrown together with things the cast and crew found in their trunks. There are absolutely no visual effects, and the fight scenes seem to have been filmed during the second rehearsal, with SuperBatman patiently waiting for the next choreographed attack to come in before carefully punching near the other performers' faces.

Metin Film

Metin Film
Look close. Can you believe this is all one take!?

One thing this film has in common with Zack Snyder's Batman V Superman is our hero's casual disregard for human life. Even if his great mind and unlimited powers could solve a problem multiple ways, he never doesn't pick "massacre." For example, Turkish SuperBatman has no problem drowning a man with his bare hands. And, owing to the film's lack of a special effects, the only way to make this look convincing was to film the actor actually trying to drown someone.

Metin Film
Turkish SuperBatman's power of pool murder is still more heroic than Zack Snyder's Superman and Batman put together.

Raoni would like to thank his good friend Diego Borges for presenting him with a Demir Yumruk Devler Geliyor DVD.

For more times American cinema really picked it up, check out The 6 Most Psychotic Rip-Offs of Famous Animated Films and The 5 Weirdest Bollywood Remakes Of Famous Hollywood Films.

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