Why We Love It: Never before has someone's voice been captured so accurately. Or, at least never on a failed magazine's message board. If you can read that comment aloud without breaking into Dane Cook's obnoxiously over-annunciating voice, you've either never heard him talk or you're a Speak & Spell.
From: 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do
Dj50 contributes one glaring omission to our list of ridiculous things that Hollywood thinks computers can do:
Lady with big tits and glasses typing insanely fast turns to the hero:
"Great news, we have a picture of the villain!"
"Awww ... it's too small, I can't make out anything."
"Let me try something."
(Turns to the screen and begins to type frantically)
"There ... now it's 10 times bigger."
"Yeah, but it's blurred."
"Here, let me hit this magic enhance button."
(Hits enhance button, and the picture clears up magically transforming into a high-resolution image of the bad guy)
"Wow, you are great and I'm surely gonna fuck you blind in about another 30 minutes into the movie."
Why We Love It: This comment is funny, relevant and even involves tits. Basically, it has everything that we should have included in this (and, well, every) article, but didn't. We applaud you, Dj50, for writing a part of a Cracked article better than the entire Cracked staff.
You lookin' for a job? No? Good.
From: Where Aren't They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's
Ghostline06 says: "I actually almost got into a fight with Boba [Fett]/Bulloch at a bar after a Sci-Fi convention 10 years ago in Hartford, CT. The guy just wouldn't stop hitting on my girlfriend all day and night (she worked at the convention). I am a peaceful person and not one to get involved in fights, but with enough beer and the director of the convention egging me on with 'Come-on man Boba Fett is trying to go home with your girlfriend,' and 'You should just kick his ass so you can tell people my friend beat down Fett,' etc ... It was getting to a point where beating the shit out of an old short British actor was sounding good to my drunken 22-year-old mind. Alas cooler thoughts prevailed and that night I got laid while he went back to his motel room alone to play with his pulse cannon. Now if he was actually wearing his Boba Fett costume at the bar Ã¢ÂÂ¦ then I would have had to beat his ass, just for the bragging rights."
Why We Love It: We just love the idea of crazy old Bulloch spending his golden years hanging out in Connecticut bars trying to pick up random women based strictly on the fact that he was, at one point, "motherfucking Boba Fett." He is going to ride that glory until he dies, probably alone in a puddle of vomit and cheap gin, though, possibly, in the belly of the giant Sarlacc.
From: The 10 Best Animated Movies For (Traumatizing) Kids
UglyShirts says: "No child should be subject to being literally OR figuratively slapped in the face with testicles, especially before their own drop into position."
Why We Love It: Really, the only lesson a responsible parent needs to pass on to their children. We've been staunchly anti-testicle-face-slapping for years and Uglyshirts finally managed to eloquently articulate all of our feelings regarding this particular subject.