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5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do

By CRACKED Staff
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Has your mom ever called in a panic, saying the computer was displaying a weird error message and that she hurried and unplugged it just to be safe--and then dunked it in the bathtub so it wouldn't burn the house down?

It makes you realize that, to some people, a computer is still a terrifying box of mysteries. Well, we think Hollywood writers have those people in mind when they portray laptop computers doing everything short of blowing up the moon.

After all, according to the movies…

#5.
You Can Blow Up Shit At Will â€" With Hacking

Worst Offender: Live Free or Die Hard

What Happened:
The movie' villain, Thomas Gabriel, and his band of hackers are so good at hacking that they've gained the powers of an all-seeing and all-knowing God:

"OK, I want you to hack into that traffic light and make it red. Good. Now, I want you to hack into Kevin Smith' basement and physically move his webcam around the room. Now, hack into the brain of that fighter pilot and get him to shoot missiles into the middle of a busy freeway."

Hacking is to this movie what magic is in the Harry Potter stories: plot-hole spackle. All the gaping cracks in logic between scene A to scene C can be neatly smoothed over with the mystical power of hack. The improbability reaches critical mass, though, when the bad guys hack into the natural-gas lines near a power plant and make them spontaneously explode under the streets.

Why It' Ridiculous:
Look, we acknowledge that Bruce Willis movies take place in a universe where every object is teetering on the brink of spontaneous detonation (see Armageddon, wherein the bolt on a valve handle breaks, causing an entire space station to erupt in an enormous fireball). Still, if natural-gas safety precautions were so poor that entire city blocks could explode via broadband modem, we're certain the guys at 4chan would have done it by now.

In Real Life "¦
Gabriel would make his insane demands to his hackers who, in turn, would snort derisively and call him a n00b. An hour later, 30 unwanted pizzas would turn up, mysteriously ordered under his name from Pizza Hut' online order form, while the hackers giggle and high-five each time the doorbell rings.


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598 Comments

Computers can teach you Chinese at www.zhongwenred.com

Posted on 5/14/2008 7:42:14 AM

Everything you said was true, except for the webcam thing. Believe it or not, it's actually possible to hack webcams and physically move them around.

Posted on 4/19/2008 12:26:34 PM

When I first saw Independence Day, I started laughing in the theater. That was the dumbest Deus ex machina ever used in a film

Posted on 4/16/2008 11:30:31 PM

"when what it calls "A.I." involves the enemies in a World War II shooter running confusedly into brick walls, face first." Truest thing I've ever read... I'm still giggling.

Posted on 4/6/2008 12:45:49 PM

swordfish is a good movie.. will smith is handsome.. that's all i can say.. ;p

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Posted on 3/25/2008 4:19:27 AM

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My favorite pet peeve is that computers can magically turn into microscopes. Take a picture, click a button, and viola! The grainy cellphone picture from '02 allows you to study the genetic makeup of the subject.

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Posted on 3/24/2008 6:37:21 PM

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Surely, the Number 1 main Hollywood misconception about computers, and this is the one you see in almost every film involving a computer in some way shape or form, is that SHOOTING THE FUCKING MONITOR DOES NOT DESTROY ALL DATA STORED ON THE DEVICE! Neither does turning on or off the monitor effect the computers status. Nej?

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Posted on 3/23/2008 7:55:55 PM

strongbadia7

I know that it isn't a computer, but it's goddamned close. In Vantage Point, Forrest Whitaker has a sony hd video recorder that survives two presidential assassination attempts and then proceeds to be jostled all around Madrid with minimal damage-in fact, Forrest keeps on recording. That's regoddamdiculous, considering the fact that my laptop fell about six inches and irrevocably fucked it up. Go team.

Posted on 3/23/2008 7:21:02 PM

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Posted on 3/23/2008 4:18:30 PM

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