5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do

why do we have to put so much emphasis on the gender of our geekdom? can't we all just unite as geeks and read funny articles on cracked?

6/25/2009 1:06:02 AM

wait_what?

See, Lokis_lovebird pretty much hit the nail on the head I think. Speaking for myself, I'm just too damned nervous when it comes to lady folks. Some kind of block or what have you. I'm only good at talking to them over the computer, as it happens.

That aside though, I agree with JoeHooker, there's no need to get upset over comments, or even the material in the article; the article is meant to be funny (Which, I thought that was funny anyways), comments... well, they're just comments, some of which are constructed for the express purpose of getting people riled up, like-so. While I understand the comment in question is pretty offensive, it's nothing to worry about particularly.

But anyways, enough out of me; grand article for the most part.

6/24/2009 7:38:45 PM

Aderas

You probably could get $9.5Bn through cracking, you'd just have to do it bit by bit over a couple of centuries or so...

6/24/2009 5:51:28 PM

DHeadshot

Lol, you guys are ridiculous. Apparently lots of you think that Lokis_lovebird wrote that huge wall of text about how awesome her vagina is or something, but that was actually posted by FayeKane, as the authors are listed BELOW the post.

Also, dont clump them together, one is a obviously a stupid b***h trying to get you to read her blog or watch her amateur videos, whatever that stupid site is, and the other was merely expressing that she was slightly offended, and made a decent point about how girls intimidate nerds. I dont see how those are in any way related.

Personally i dont get offended by joke sites, but come on, who gets offended by the comments left by random users posted on a joke site?

6/24/2009 7:42:59 AM

JoeHooker127

I've read the site for quite some time but only just now registered. I fear this might be giving Lokis a bit too much power for someone so stupid, but whatever.

It is because of "ladies" like Lokis that feminism is regarded with such negativity. It is because of people like her that women who actually deserve respect have to work that much harder to get it.

The remainder of the points have been made but they bear repeating. Don't claim you're an intellectual if running spell check is beyond your comprehension. Stereotyping an entire group of people like you're doing with male geeks is exactly the sort of thing feminism fights against. There are probably several other reasons why people don't approach you; I don't think you have to worry about coming off as too smart to other people.

Great article. It's always bugged me the way you just click a few buttons and it's done. How about the remake of Italian Job? How about the fact that any movie that involves an instant messenger program used by someone, who is supposedly a geek, always has the annoying alert upon receiving a message? The very first thing to be done upon install of an IM program is to disable the bloody sound alerts.

6/8/2009 12:11:00 AM

taekwondogirl

Lokis:I for one, find it simply hilarious that someone attempting to pass themselves off as an intellectual barely knows how to spell. I think often times females like you rationalize the fact that men don't throw themselves at you by saying men are 'intimidated' by you. That, and by assuming that no male nerds wish to associate with you because they're 'shy'. Contrary to what common media may tell you, intelligence and social skills are not mutually exclusive. Not that you would know.

"I, speaking for not only the female geeks but the portion of us who are attractive..."

Don't you DARE presume to speak for any of us you self-righteous, pissy, delusional, frigid, ARROGANT b***h. It's people like you that make me absolutely despise the majority of my own gender.

Okay, I think I'm done. Wait..... okay, yes, I'm finished.

Concerning the article itself, I'm just glad I wasn't the only person who noticed this. I am often perplexed by films and television show that seem to be under the impression that all information about everything ever is on the internet, and that typing (seemingly randomly) for about 10 seconds will yield whatever facts they seek, no matter how obscure.

But I think this can be forgiven if sufficient explosions are involved.

5/20/2009 10:55:22 PM

Gypsy-Lasers

Lokis, maybe people just don't like YOU. Seriously, an abrasive, self rightous feminist b***h, nerdy guys with social anxiety are going to flock to that, right? Nope, being a nerdy guy with huge social anxiety issues, I would say YOU are the reason no dudes want to be around.

Also, you don't know s**t about "all guys", or even nerds, so STFU about guys being intimidated by intellectual women. Some are, we call them jocks and rednecks. I don't know a single nerd guy that wants a vapid whore for a girlfriend, us guy nerds REQUIRE a girl that intellectually stimulates us. The problem is, you are psuedo-intellectual and a b***h, both things are a huge turnoff to male nerds.

Honestly, do you even know what a nerd or a geek is? I dont think you realize that you don't know a thing about guys and nerds.

5/13/2009 1:17:55 PM

Hays00s

Ok, Normally I could care less about this, but for some reason Lokis's comment is hittin me wrong. I try to not be bitter but wow, if you are gonna spew crap, at least learn to spell and use the right words. it Knowledge NOT knowlage. It's Intellectually NOT intilectualy. and it's Penchant NOT pension (are you frikkin retiring?) not to mention you misspelled Does! get a dictionary or use the online one! for GODS SAKE! flame responsibly!

5/12/2009 2:06:49 PM

jadedseeker

The comments on this page make me ashamed to be a female geek. Lokis and FayeKane are particularly inaccurate in their descriptions, since I actually ended up marrying another geek who *shock* has some degree of self-confidence and respects me as an intelligent human being.

And Faye - don't even TRY to associate Aspies with Nazis. I can't think of any time I've ever tried to sell myself as part of the "Master Race." You must have run into some real asshats to make that connection.

I at least thought this article was frikkin hilarious.

5/6/2009 10:41:44 PM

bloodyaurore

Jesus, Lokis_Songbird, this is a freakin' JOKES website. They have to cram as much comedy as they can in here. And besides, you're just an equally stupid feminist who thinks that anyone without a p***y is worthless. You're the very thing you despise, backwards.

5/5/2009 10:59:39 PM

Colombus

The post as a whole is funny as sh!t, but are 100% wrong about the WarGames plot. Still, it is impossible, but who cares? It's a great movie!

4/27/2009 5:22:16 PM

ichigobankai

The comment about Sandra Bullock's character and her "friends" was totally uncalled for.

I, speaking for not only the female geeks but the portion of us who are attractive to most anyone of the male gender, can testify that your statements are ill conceved and lack any knowlage on the subject. Most men find women who are intilectualy equal to themselves to be intimidateing and try to limit interaction. Nerds are shy and hard to come by as friends because of that.

I could go on about the difficulty of being a single gamer chick with a pension for science-fiction and pin-ups, but I fear you lack the ability to comprehend or empathize with any one or thing that dose not have a wang.

4/27/2009 3:41:10 PM

Lokis_Songbird

This is such BULL s**t that I'm almost too pissed off to type:

"Sandra Bullock's character is portrayed as a hopeless loner. In the real world, a computer geek who was female and looked like Bullock would have approximately 375 male "friends" orbiting around her on a daily basis, staring hungrily each time she turned her back and always trying to surreptitiously smell her hair."

When you're a girl geek there are TWO kinds of guys:

1) revolting, stupid slicksters who smugly tell insultingly obvious lies in order to f**k you and brag to their friends, and

2) your brother geeks who you love and dearly wish WOULD f**k you but who are all too timid to do anything but stare at you in Data Structures class. And if you ever smile at one (which being a geek myself, was hard to do), they act like you caught them staring in your window and masturbating, and quickly scurry away.

When you're "smart and cute", not only do the smart guys hate you because they assume they can't have you, but the stupid people of both sexes hate you too.

Maybe some of you know that when you're vastly smarter than everyone else, they all assume you're an arrogant snob hellbent on belittling them, when in fact they're just projecting their own insecurity and blaming YOU for it when in fact, you'd LOVE to teach any or even all of them everything you know if they'd only ask you to, but they're too insecure to realize it.

Well the same s**t happens if you're cute like Sandra Bullock. All the guys assume you're an arrogant snob hellbent on belittling them when in fact they're just projecting their own insecurity and blaming YOU for it when in fact, you'd LOVE to strip naked right in front of any of them or even all of them them at the same time if they'd only ask you to, but they're too insecure to realize it.

And so EVERYBODY leaves frustrated.

I bet the same happens to rich people who are actually generous.

Humans really eat s**t, y'know? Only we autistics are "normal". In fact, we're the Master Race

...but we're too insecure to realize it.

--faye kane, homeless brain.
Read more of my smartmouth opinions at http://tinyurl.com/fayescave

4/24/2009 7:33:15 PM

FayeKane

Damn I love your articles. I have read CRACKED (and MAD) since I was a little kid and now I can't wait to see your new articles. You guys make me laugh. Thanx

4/10/2009 10:00:16 PM

chauncey1973

I saw no mention of 1977's Demon Seed (based on the Dean Koontz novel), where a computer rapes a woman so that its intelligence can inhabit an organic body. The "birth" child appears to be about ten years old, and speaks with the same Dr. Sbaitso frigging voice as the CPU. But what about that, Cracked? Huh? Huh? Frigging computer got the lady in a family way!

4/9/2009 1:31:19 PM

Rex-Jester

I just realized that, while the list is overall accurate, some of the details are bullshit. Did the author even watch Wargames?

4/8/2009 10:58:31 PM

BWM

You forgot the awesome photo image reconstruction powers of computers. Click click zoom focus clean up presto instant image. From space no less.

4/3/2009 4:07:21 PM

karnak

a part of my still believes you can do anything you want with "hacking." because I don't understand the first thing about hacking or clever computer tricks.

also, I laughed OUT LOUD when I read the part about writing the letter to your congressperson to request $5.9 billion for an underground anti-terrorism organization. "The check should arrive within four to six weeks." so true, it would seem.

3/21/2009 10:57:12 AM

yesbutnotyou

Don't blame the fact that every inanimate object in Bruce Willis's movies are subject to spontaneous detonation at one point or another! Blame the true terrorist! - Michael Bay.

3/6/2009 6:56:21 PM

AndrewGxC

LOL. The advert underneath is for a Macbook Air. XD.

2/20/2009 9:31:54 AM

EggNog