Take these jokes. Please. 

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm like an iPhone. It's going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. John Mulaney

NBC

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. Tina Fey

NBC

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The Swiss Army. Never been involved in a war in 200 years. It's a lucky thing. Did you ever see this little Swiss Army knife? Corkscrews, bottle opener, nail file. You don't want to go to war with this little thing. Jerry Seinfeld

Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I can't wait till Sunday. I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece. Sarah Silverman

Netflix

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COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield YouTube Channel

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house. Wanda Sykes

Epix

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. And lawyers. Richard Pryor

SEE Theater Network

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford

Laugh Society

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Atheism is a non- prophet organization. George Carlin

HBO

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to S---. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f-- lactose intolerance? Chris Rock

HBO

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The post office is issuing a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a 10-cent stamp, but if you lick it, it's a quarter. Chevy Chase with writer Alan Zweibel

NBC

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? 'Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!' Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari YouTube Channel

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mom's always saying really smart things, like, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. Amy Schumer

Comedy Central

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM People ask me how on Earth do you balance work and career? Men never get asked that question because they don't. Ali Wong

Netflix

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