Home > Tech > The 10 Most Irritatingly Impossible Old-School Video Games
Featured  

The 10 Most Irritatingly Impossible Old-School Video Games

By Bobby Ingram
article image

In the old days, you didn't come back to a game again and again for anything as fancy as online multiplayer or user-created content. No, you came back because the games were freaking impossible. That was the only way game designers of the Nintendo Entertainment System and SNES days could extend the play time: through mindless, frustrating repetition.

These are the 10 games so infuriating, their very mention makes the hairs stand up on the back of our necks.

#10.
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

The premise:
A ludicrously undersized boxer makes his way through a swarm of opponents who use the unwise strategy of fighting with a distinctly repeating pattern. All of this is done for the chance to lose horribly to Mike Tyson.

Why it was worth playing:
The first-person boxing was unique in 1987 (actually, how often have you seen it since?), unless you count the arcade version of the same game. It was genuinely fun trying to crack the various exotic underlings that stood between you and the champ. And, after a tough day, there was something deeply satisfying about mercilessly pounding upon hapless Glass Joe, who always seemed to be in the ring against his will.

Look at him, it's like he thinks there's a guy out in the audience with a rifle on him.

Also, in an era when other sports games were occupied by generic placeholders (not even team logos were represented), Tyson's celebrity endorsement was pretty cool. Seeing that crazy bastard step into the ring as the final boss really meant something.

Why it was infuriating:
While the early opponents were sometimes challenging, you could still find their weakness (hmmm ... that inconspicuous 'X' on his stomach, perhaps), and after that it was just a matter of timing your punches.

But, when you finally made it to Tyson (or "Mr. Dream" if you bought the game after Tyson's title defeat to Buster Douglas), no amount of Rocky-inspired runs through the city were going to save you. Mac's punches have about as much effect on the champ as a stiff breeze, which doesn't stack up well against his ability to send your teeth flying with little more than a mean thought.

Basically you had to withstand a series of withering blows from Tyson, dodging each with perfect precision (if any of his punches landed, you were done) while waiting for a window of opportunity about a quarter-second long to strike back.

Saddest moment:
Watching Mac crash to the mat following a thunderous right hook by Tyson and knowing that it was time for him to "fuck you 'til you love it." Then, realizing that to get back there you have to box every fucking one of those guys again. No saves in this game, boys and girls.

The premise:
That wacky Shredder is out to ruin everybody's day and cause some good ol' fashioned chaos again, and only a group of hideous, sewer-dwelling monstrosities are there to stop him.

Why it was worth playing:
In 1989, every young boy in America was legally obligated to spend at least two hours a day pretending to be one of the Turtles, and another two arguing with friends over which one was superior (Leonardo, in case you're wondering). It was the first chance to play as the gang in a video game and, at that age, it seemed pretty awesome. Also, the enemies appeared randomly each time, so no level played the same way twice (why doesn't every game do that?).

Why it was infuriating:
The game had some general weaknesses. The fun beat-'em-up platform was interrupted by annoying surface levels, and the ridiculously unequal weapon strengths made playing as anyone other than "I can kill from across the room" Donatello seem like a waste of time. You didn't get to choose, though, you just rotated through the Turtles as they died. All of this might have been overcome by the sheer Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-ness of it all, if not for one stage: The Dam.

The Dam level required you to try to beat the clock through a sprawling maze in order to defuse the bombs, which were prepared to unleash the fury of the Hudson River. See that pink seaweed shit? The stuff with an opening barely big enough for a mutated turtle to pass through? It killed you. It was ... electrified somehow. The science in the game wasn't all that accurate.

Setting aside the terrible example this set forth of telling kids the Hudson was safe to look at, let alone swim in, the failure to defuse the bombs resulted in an immediate game over, no matter how many Turtles were still alive. The margin for error was about one pixel wide and half a second long.

Saddest moment:
While it would be easy to pick on The Dam some more, we're going to have to go with the first time you make the mistake of running into one of the foot soldiers' rides while walking on the top level. You learn it doesn't just hurt you, it fucking flattens you.

Next Turtle, please.

#8.

The premise:
Mega Man is a world-saving robot bent on destroying evildoers. Also, he consumes their souls so he can absorb their powers.

Why it was worth playing:
Mega Man is also one of the most popular video game characters ever created. It was one of the first games to include the method of "winning" new weapons and abilities as the game progressed. Nearly all of the game-play mechanics that would define the series were found here, in the original game.

Why it was infuriating:
We said "nearly" all of the game play was there. A whole lot of the features you saw in the sequels were put there to make the game easier, because the first one was nothing short of sadistic. Many of the cool upgrades were often borderline useless outside of one specific boss they were designed to be used against. Also, some of the jumping puzzles were downright evil.

And, as is unthinkable now but was common then, you couldn't save. Every time you turned on the machine, you were greeted with the same fucking levels, which made failure a hundred times more infuriating. Every misstep meant you were about to lose a couple more hours out of your life.

Saddest moment:
As aggravating as the game could be to play, there is no more embarrassing moment in a gamer's life than the time he has to put cold hard cash on the desk, point to this game box ...

... and say, "I want that. That is right up my alley."

The premise:
Demons have been accidentally let loose, and it's up to Dana to delve through a series of puzzle rooms to retrieve Solomon's Key in order to banish the demons back from whence they came, allowing the locals to return to their happy lives of magically floating blocks and goofy clothes.

Why it was worth playing:
At its heart, this is basically a puzzle game, where a lot of the challenge was in moving and creating colored blocks. That sounds boring as hell, but there was a real sense of reward for solving the puzzles. This made us feel smart and dulled the sense of inadequacy we felt on a day-to-day basis. There were also lots of secrets to uncover, including multiple endings. It was advanced stuff, for the time.

Why it was infuriating:
The makers of Solomon's Key were clearly Satanists. They seemed determined to make sure the key would remain safely away from Dana's clutches, and to ensure the demons would be left free to pillage and rain destruction upon the quivering, pixilated masses. Dana is far from the world's toughest gaming hero and always seemed moments away from death. Meanwhile, his opponents often enjoyed the luxury of unlimited re-spawning.

The levels (and there were more than 60 of the bastards) were often designed so that it was entirely possible to, through bad luck, get trapped in the level with no ability to progress. You were left to commit Hara-Kiri or wait for the final cruelty to take over when Dana's timer ran out. Just like the real world, kids!

Saddest moment:
Retrieving the key, only to be told you had failed to open up all 15 hidden levels, and as such, hadn't truly defeated the game. We're not sure how many million copies of the game were sold, but we're guessing about five people in the history of the world have seen the "real" ending.

#6.

The premise:
There were some sci-fi films made in the '70s and '80s called the Star Wars trilogy (Google it; they had the actor from Firewall in them). This game was based on the second, and best, of those films.

Why it was worth playing:
This came out on two systems at the same time in 1993, the NES and the Super NES. Both had multiple game-play styles and included settings from the films.


The SNES version (right) looked less like shit.

But, both versions were as hard as brass balls.

Why it was infuriating:
When sitting in the theaters for Empire, we can only assume the designers were intently ogling their tub of popcorn and not the screen, as they left the theaters with the impression that Luke Skywalker was incapable of functioning as a member of society, let alone as a universe-saving demi-God. The game presents you with awkward controls and requires you to find force powers. All this means it takes a massive effort just to get Luke to kill that stupid probe droid.

By 1993, gaming had advanced to the point where long-ass levels were the norm, but the whole concept of a "checkpoint" had eluded this game's creators. If you died--even at the boss--you had to drag your sorry ass all the way through entire level again.

In the end, though, the sheer impossibility of the game's design may have prevented substantial property damage by Star Wars fans. If they'd progressed, they'd have reached the part where (in the NES version) Luke rescues Han, kills Boba Fett, and, in an act of Star Wars blasphemy, defeats Darth Vader in a light saber duel. We aren't making that up.

They never brought out a Return of the Jedi game for the NES. Well, we're thinking that's why. The Empire game fucked up the storyline to the point that there was nothing for a Jedi to return from.

Saddest moment:
Discovering that crouching allows Luke to put a little extra into his jumps, and realizing that the once-menacing star pilot has been reduced to nothing better than a platform-hopping, overweight plumber.


  • First
  • ←  Previous
  • Page 1 of 2
  • Next  →
  • Last

Submit to: Reddit Facebook StumbleUpon Digg Del.icio.us

Post Comment

452 Comments

Ghosts and Goblins was not very difficult. You want impossible, one word... Sinistar.

Posted on 4/29/2008 1:18:45 PM

@solarjetman: Yea. Pics or it didn't happen.

Posted on 4/25/2008 6:16:00 PM

Ghost House on Sega Master System (I know, I'm old) was f-ing impossible. I purchase one on eBay a year ago and made it a life mission to beat it. Still never happened.

Posted on 4/24/2008 8:13:12 AM

did anyone ever play Jet Force Gemini on N64? possibly one of the best games on that platform, save for the fact that when you "beat" the game you end up having to, in essence, beat the game 2 more times and collect 10 million furby heads . . . To this day, have never met a person who could claim beating it.

Posted on 4/22/2008 6:22:27 PM

Great article. Though I am a dork who realized that your Mega Man screen shot of the fight with Metal Man is actually from Mega Man 2, not 1. Video games are just getting too easy these days.

Posted on 4/22/2008 8:37:37 AM

This list doesn't mention Crystal Quest, which has literally never been beaten. The furthest anyone has ever proved to have reached is level 140, though there are unverified claims of reaching level 200. However, that's still 55 levels away from the end. People using gamesharks to reach the final level have found it to be almost literally covered in mines, and flooded by enemies.

Posted on 4/21/2008 3:53:18 PM

Friday the 13th was fucking impossible. That is one of the few games that nobody has ever beat. That should have been number one. I mean even the game over screen was a bitch...you and your friends are dead. Game Over.

Posted on 4/21/2008 10:27:22 AM

Marble Madness would be a good addition.

Posted on 4/20/2008 1:18:27 PM

zombies ate my neighbors was fucking crazy. the only time ive ever been successful at that game is after hours of blunt smoking and bomberman binges. not only is it the most tiedous game known to man, it is also only slightly stimulating causing a rage unfounded in everyday activities.

Posted on 4/5/2008 3:35:00 PM

Dude, you must'2 been a moda fucking dumb kid, i finish those all those games the same month they came out. dude... seriouly.. punch out.. ninja gaiden faken ninja turtles 1.. mega man..? DUDE.. you're stupid. just feel bad for you

Posted on 4/3/2008 9:00:34 AM

The original ninja gadien was too hard. The bosses were impossible i remember playing so long till the bosses and i they kill me and i have to start all over again.

Posted on 3/28/2008 8:20:49 PM

Catalystika

Yes... one of my proudest moments in gaming was finally beating Battletoads. The game was all about sheer memorization and knowing which warps to take. It just got harder and harder, and with limited continues... ugh. I remember memorizing how to get the most points so as to get the maximum amount of free men. I have to agree with some of the other posters, however. G&G is DEFINITELY the hardest game ever created. It's just nasty and mean... it doesn't even give you a chance.

Posted on 3/26/2008 2:07:26 PM

h3bru

You guys totally forgot double dragon 2 that shit is rediculous when you get to the the last 3 levels, you gotta jump to a platform that you can't see until you miss it the first time and die

Posted on 3/25/2008 9:02:27 AM

Rhombix

The music on "Battletoads" sounds really fucking depressing.

Posted on 3/24/2008 10:43:30 PM

sbest

How the crap does "Zombies Ate My Neighbors" not make this list?!?! Always having to stave of incredibly tough monsters while saving people that are flipping burgers through this shit...

Posted on 3/24/2008 6:49:45 PM

rach

marble madness?

Posted on 3/21/2008 8:15:48 PM

macsnafu

Two words, people: spam blocker!

Posted on 3/21/2008 5:24:19 PM

DANI

UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START

Posted on 3/18/2008 1:55:37 PM

lowbrow

How do so many people care this much about games...they're fucking games, they should be fun...GTA is a fucking fun game, all of them were and are fun, but prior to that it might as well be tetris or pacman.

Posted on 3/12/2008 4:22:58 PM

ghosts 'n goblins is by far the hardest game i have ever played. i remember getting excited if i made it to the 2nd level. then i would immediately get murdered.

Posted on 3/12/2008 1:59:40 PM

More Tech


Popular stuff


Avatar
Ross Wolinsky
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:26:30 AM
Post Subject: Now That Was Entertainment! The Friday Nooner (EST)!

Ross Wolinsky is taking a personal day today. Filling in for him will be his grandfather, Pappy Wolinsky. Hello, internet! How are you all doing? I'm doing fine, thanks! You know, back in ...

Avatar Florida Threatens To Secede, America Goes Back To Sleep
Yes, Florida is actually trying to split into two, with one half (presumably the one with Disney Wor ...
Avatar The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever (An Obituary)
I love ice cream. It’s the only dessert that when I eat it, it somehow gets into my stomach and pu ...
Avatar Giving The Weirdos Their Due: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Dear People With Very Specific Skills Who Put Repetitive Videos Of Themselves Showing Off Th ...
Avatar Innocent Disney Movie Or Harbinger Of The Apocalypse? The Daily Nooner (EST)!
When is the world going to end? That depends on who you ask. Scientists say the sun will burn ...
Avatar The Ultimate Scientology Video Finally Reveals The Secret To Unlocking Your Thetans
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/05/07/scientology-releases-slew-of-new-videos-on-yo ...
Avatar Nikko Electronics Unveils The Most Effective Birth Control Ever: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
If you're like me, you're sick and tired of watching stuff on a regular TV. In fact, if you're ...
Avatar A big day for pornography in Cuba
If you were in Cuba this weekend, you may have been treated to the sight of happy Cubans proudly buy ...
Avatar Nobody Ever Said Being A National Joke Was Going To Be Easy: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
The fame that comes with being a Cracked blogger has its pros and cons. I can always get a rese ...
Avatar Hate By Numbers: 6 Things That Pissed Me Off About CNN's Bikini Teacher Report
I know DOB only started telling the rest of you last week, but for months now he's been going on abo ...
Recently Popular
Recently popular on Digg