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You're a man. Not just any man, but a manly man. When you're not engaging in threesomes with Swedish twins, you're fixing cars, or beating the shit out of bigger guys (just for kicks). Also, you drink beer. Often. Occasionally, though, in the course of appeasing the woman (or women) in your life, you will be called upon to suck it up and do things she wants to do. In extreme cases, this may involve watching (or even attending) a musical. We know, we know, even considering viewing a musical would be grounds for the permanent destruction of your man card, ideally through feeding it to a lion riding a shark. But, if you get to help pick which musical, here's some ones you'll escape with your manhood intact:
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
Sure, they're still up there pirouetting, but they're pirouetting with a rifle. Yes, they're singing, but they're singing about popping caps in fools' proverbial asses. When you get right down to it, Les Mis (and surely your manliness can withstand even the most mincing of colloquialisms) is really just a war movie that can carry a tune.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
Live, on-stage nudity.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
At the end of the day, West Side Story has a higher body count than your average Sopranos episode (and we're talking the first two seasons here).
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
As for the male characters, sure, their jeans are tight enough to see what' in their pockets, but those pockets probably contain switchblades and a monkey wrench. In the course of two short hours they belittle women, get a high schooler pregnant, turn a junker into a drag champion and moon the nation. Shy of wrestling the school' live bear mascot into submission, they could not run through the real-man checklist with more efficiency.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
While it' true that men are not prone to cheering for lead characters who insist on long dance numbers while wearing a cowboy costume, nor to lead characters who often reminisce emotionally about the hardships their life, or their dreams and aspirations, Jack Kelly has something extra on his side that allows some leeway. He grew up to be Batman. If you're trying to tell us that there' something manly enough for Batman, but not manly enough for you, then we're not even speaking the same language.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Why You'll Survive It:
If you listened to the music, you'd realize that they're singing about gunpowder, rum, and how hard they want to plow their wives. Replace their wives with your wife, and that' a pretty apt description of a Lynyrd Skynyrd show. Hell, at one point, the Declaration of Independence is put on hold while Thomas Jefferson decides to nail his wife in the middle of the afternoon.
You might pick up a violin and sing too if you'd just taken a break from creating a nation for some afternoon delight.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
And pay attention, gents, because there is a Sweeney Todd movie coming soon, starring Johnny Depp. There is an excellent chance you won't be able to avoid this one and stay in your woman's good graces.
Why You'll Survive It:
Following these shaves, he disposes of the bodies down a chute, where they go on to become delicious meat pies for the general population. With that level of gore and brutality, it' not hard to reason that Eli Roth would get a half-chub 15 minutes into this bloodbath. The play comes to its climax (stop giggling) in The Departed-esque murder fest which leaves nearly the entire cast dead and bloody. In fact, the only thing preventing the ending of Sweeney Todd from surpassing The Departed as the most viscerally and masculinely enjoyable story ever told is the absence of that Dropkick Murphy' song that makes you want to go get in a fist fight with a panther.
The Story:
Why Guys Fear It:
Unfortunately, the play also is severely lacking in a plot, opting instead to more or less introduce us to a bunch of cats, one of whom creates magic by spinning on one foot, for the duration of the play. While we men are willing to let a lack of plot slide, we expect it to be replaced with senseless explosions and topless women, not furry, '80s exercise outfits and fake cat ears.
Why You'll Survive It:
Oh, you know who also loves cats? James Bond villains. Also, male cats have ... balls. We think. And ...
OK, maybe you should avoid this one.
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Avenue Q? It has a whole goddamn song praising porn, how is that not manly? Also, Spamalot
newsies is awesome! and even though they have dancing, there's one kid who can do the f****n coolest flips i have ever seen. not to mention there's so much smoking in it, by boys who look like they are 16 and are actually 24 (max castella is in it as racetrack, from doogie howser). one of the guys has a eye patch (which makes up for his girlish voice, he also share the name trey parker.)and for those who want it, pretty much every guy in it is eye candy.
Metamatic mate, you're right, but wrong. Bernstein did the music. Sondheim wrote the lyrics. So he was the one who brought the testosterone.
where the hell is seven brides for seven brothers? owns the s**t in manliness out of all these! mountain men stealing women for themselves!
Bale sucks.
Unless he's Patrick Bateman
leanord bernstein did west side story. though i do have to agree that sondheim's musicals are all pretty testosterone-saving.
Then there's The Witches of Eastwick, which features the Devil, girls dancing in lingerie, and the female portion of the cast simultaneously climaxing on stage. And the comedy relief kill each other.
I think you'll find that all of Sondheims Musicals manage to be testosterone-savers. We have one thats basically a Mel Brooks movie made into a musical (Not that one, a different one, called A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum), a Cannibalistic Barber hunting down and killing a pedophile judge who plans to marry Todds Daughter, West Side Story, and a Musical called Assassins. Its called Assassins, how could it not be cool?
Sweeney Todd was actually pretty cool, lotsa Tim Burton-ish creepyness mixed with bloody gore, Depps usual awesome weirdness, and Helena Bonham Carter boustier pushin her goodness up to her chin.....not to mention Borat is in it for some good comic relief...
What about Spamalot? Its not manly in the sense of blood and gore but its Monty f*****g Python.
Agree... the Producers definitely merits a spot.
...has* a meow fetish...
I wonder.... if your girlfriend as a meow fetish... wouldn't meowing at her, at least in the manliest way possible, be more heterosexual than a flamboyant lisp?
I concur. Cannibal the Musical was great! Shpadoinkle!
Where's Matt Stone and Trey Parker's Cannibal The Musical?
The Producers was a good one. Two guys try to outsmart the entire musical industry by making a musical about Nazi's, plus its hilarious!
Agree with you on Pirates of Pen. There are smaller shows however that might catch your attention. Debbie does Dallas (yes, based on the 70's porn movie of a cheerleader being a whore so she can be a Cowboys cheerleader), Reefer Madness (hilarious drug parafinalea musical based on the 1930's public awareness movie), and Bat Boy (as in baseball).
OMGOSH! No freaking way have you heard of the Pirate Movie!? That seriously is my favorite movie of all freaking time. And hell yeah its full of sexual innuendo! haha
What about the parody of The Pirates of Penzance, entitled The Pirate Movie. Damn...that's seriously my favorite movie of all time, I've been watching it since I was like..five and only when I turned thirteen did I realize it was rife with sexual innuendos galore.
1970s broads versus the broads of today! Fight!
No, not the ones that make silly gag gifts. The ones that look like torture devices from a post-Apocalyptic future.
The Bible: The Poor Man's Hustler.
Mother Natures hates you.
Even more embarrassing now that it's on Cracked.
Riches to rags stories can be inspiring too!
9:03 PM Hbn Gladstone - here we are?5:18 PM Michael Swaim - 5:18 PM Michael Swaim - There you go.5:18 PM Michael Swaim - Yay!5:15 PM Dan O'Brien - Works.5:14 PM Dan O'Brien -
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Thundercats, that's why!