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Philosopher of rap Ice-T once reflected that "Pimpin' ain't easy." We here at Cracked are inclined to agree. That's why these historical men deserve special commendation for bringing the bling, bitches and beatdowns to their reigns, while laying a stiff backhand across the face of convention and scoring major amounts of tang in the process. They were, quite simply, the pimpingest men of all time. #5.
The Man:
Pertaining to Poon:
Bling:
That's right. There are TWO feathers in this man's cap. One for murder; the other for fucking. And, it doesn't end there. He's decked out in armor made from, one can only presume, the finest materials. According to this artist, he even has perfectly plucked and highly emotive eyebrows to enhance his "come hither" eyes. He also has a handlebar, people, doubtlessly used by woman for steering this uncontrollable love machine.
Catchphrases:
The Man:
Napoleon revolutionized war, with tactics and formations now used by every single modern military unit in operation. After a conspiracy of haters sent him to exile, he quickly got bored and decided to re-take France all by himself. When the French royalty began mincing their hands over his return, they sent a regiment of his former soldiers to kill him. The regiment joined him instead and marched on Paris, taking it and ruling for another hundred days just to prove he could. One French minister spat, "This devil of a man exercises an astonishing seduction on all those who approach him." Astonishing.
Pertaining to Poon:
Bling:
Oh ... oh dear. Well, those frilly shoulder pads sure are ... frilly. He makes up for it with the blingy golden badge on his lapel, as he has obviously declared himself Sheriff of Pimptown. He's poking his hand through his waist coat, as usual, presumably to hold up his dick.
Catchphrases:
French or not, the evidence is undeniable: He came, he saw, he conquered--in reverse order. #3.
The Man:
As a politician, he used his throbbing brain to pimp slap the French and the British back from whence they came. In the White House he threw wild parties, habitually greeting guests in slippers and a dressing gown. Essentially, he became the Hugh Hefner of a Capitol Playboy Mansion. Also, Jefferson's support of the Second Amendment assured fellow-pimps the right to stay strapped for years to come. When Jefferson left office he couldn't find a university that could handle his terrifying intellect, so he just started his own.
Pertaining to Poon:
She went on to have six of Jefferson's children, which of course provided only a small fraction of the fucking T.J. required. That's where one of Jefferson's slaves, Sally Hemings came in. The affair between the two never even found an official denial despite heavy press coverage, though he never officially admitted to it, either. It is thought that Jefferson's deathbed confessional treatise, "I Like Big Butts; And I Cannot Lie" was burned by those close to him before it could be publicly released. Since then, inconclusive DNA testing has been done and has found links between the Jefferson and Hemings' offspring, though not with ol' Tom-boy himself. To make things even juicier for Jeff, she was purportedly his wife's half-sister. Did we mention his wife was his distant cousin? Put it all together and you have a recipe which, when left to bake in the heat emitted by Jefferson's nut sack, rises to become an extremely kinky layer cake being eaten in the White House.
Bling:
Catchphrases:
#2.
King Charles II
The Man:
His reign included mountains of drunken debauchery piled one on top of the other as a previously sexless England celebrated his reign with a good ol' fashioned fuck-out.
Pertaining to Poon:
As king, he was in charge of the whole country, including its whores, so any street pimps were technically deputies he put in place to watch the corner while he was off tending to business. John Wilmot, chum and fellow rampaging nymphomaniac said of him, "Restless he rolls from whore to whore, a merry monarch, scandalous and poor." This perception was shared by absolutely everyone at the time, and like pimps of today, split opinion over whether or not this was a good thing. Clearly, most of the country not in the Houses of Parliament thought it was. His reign turned every alleyway and dimly lit area into a writhing mass of peasants indiscriminately humping each other.
Bling:
With so much Dalmatian fur and red velvet, he can't actually sit in his throne. He would cup a big golden ball in one hand and hold his solid gold pimping cane erect in the other, with his crotch pushed conspicuously forward, a crown twice the width of his head and a cushion for his feet that costs more than your house. Apparently, the artist decided not to include the bikini-clad girls draped all over him at the time of painting. Nevertheless, it's a struggle to think, even in such a ludicrous genre, of how this could be more pimping.
Or, it would be, if he hadn't had medallions made depicting himself as a Roman Emperor. Regular pimps quibble over money. This pimp put his face on it. Short of tattooing "PIMP" across his tongue, there's little this guy can do to best himself. Oh, what's that? A solid gold statue of himself as a Roman Emperor? Yeah, that'd be just about fucktastically insane enough to do it.
Catchphrases:
Also of note, in a heroic gesture of pimping benevolence, he successfully managed to predict the future backlash against pop-rap artists, commanding upon his death bed, Let not poor Nelly starve."
There can only be one conclusion. Just as he was King of Britain, so was he King of Pimping, not treating it just as a way of life, but a way of everyone else's lives, too. #1.
Ramses II
The Man:
He partied hard, and partied long. He reigned for 66 years--until he was 91--and fucked almost constantly until that time. One of the most pimpingest cribs ever unearthed is the tomb of his wife, Nefertari...
...a chamber that archeologists agree contains more pimp per square inch than anything built since. And why did Ramses go through all the trouble for a chamber that was to be sealed up from public view? Just in case somebody should happen to dig it up 3,200 years later. In fact, if you put on a blindfold and walk around Egypt for five minutes, you'll trip over something made by Ramses. He had a statue built of himself that weighed 83 tons. He had a museum built purely to commemorate his own awesomeness, all in a time where a shovel was considered sophisticated technology.
Pertaining to Poon:
We're being handed a note, here. He married his daughter? He married two? Meritamen and Bintanath were both daughters of Ramses, who pumped so many women full of so many babies that he had a tough time keeping track of which children had burst forth from his royal sack. At least, that's what we're hoping happened. His daughters had to have known what was up. Apparently they were too polite to point out the problem. "Um, actually Dad, er, King Ramses...um, nevermind." That happened twice.
Bling:
The picture barely does it justice. We're talking rims lined with copper and bronze, towed by a horse that must have somehow had 500 horsepower, yet is still about to get an arrow to the back of the head for not being pimp enough. That's bling, and so was the immense quantity of gold and precious gems lining every room of his temples. He had a stack of chains that would make Mr.T look Amish. 50 Cent? Come back when you have a horse with a golden mohawk. Another notable success from beyond the grave would be that he had a brand of condoms named after him, though birth control wasn't exactly his thing.
Catchphrases:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!" Ozymandias was Ramses stage name. While no actual writings from Ramses have survived, a writer imagined him saying that. But, even if Ramses didn't actually say it, it's a safe fucking bet he was thinking it. Check out The Five Biggest Badass Popes! Send an ecard from Cracked and the Whitest Kids U Know. |
in response to that, unfortunately in personal experience, those who actually believe that have small dicks
Napoleon is truly evidence that the size of the boat has very little to do with the motion of the ocean... Either that or the power trip was enough for the women to over look that whole micro-penis thing.
This is the hardest I've laughed in a while. Great job.
I disagree with Ramses being number 1. Did You see that portrait of Charles II (a.k.a. " Chuck Duece"? That is texbook pimpin my friends. The Bishop Don Magic Juan wore that same outfit to last years Playas Ball, even had the foot pillow.
i couldn't stop laughing on the bling about ramses 2.
Brilliant article! But why wasn't Henry the 8th on this list? He was big pimpin'.
I loved the bling section on Ramses 2. I laughed for hours.
And you also totally forgot the rape of the Sabine woman, in other words, the repopulation of Rome by Romulus.
You totally forgot King Louis XIV. He was the pimp shit of France.
The only thing left is to write the "Top 5 biggest Player-haters of all time".
You forgot Lord Byron, an English poet who screwed everyone women in Europe. Doubt it "Ultimately he was to live abroad to escape the censure of British society, where men could be forgiven for sexual misbehaviour only up to a point, one which Byron far surpassed." Wikipedia
the rel disbanded and we would have done good!!!!!!
Yes, it was Big Daddy Kane who put it in the song first - Anything goes when it comes to hoes.... Then Iced T said it in the nineteen ninety's..
Dude, you're way off on Ghengis Khan. While true that he conquered 1/3 of the populated world, he was dirty as shit! The Mongols didn't bathe (believed it offended water spirits), wore all garments until they literally disintegrated (though they did wear silk underwear-true--helped to pull out arrows lodged in their flesh--that's pimp), and had more fleas than the average dog (many of which carried the bubonic plague which eventually destroyed another 1/3 of the world's population after a particularly dirty siege near the Black Sea). As to Jefferson, his wife was dead before he took to Hemmings to his bed. He fathered 4 children with her, freed them on his death bed, but not Sally, that's an asshole. Ramses--yeah, pretty much a pimp all around. had over 100 children, 8 wives, but somewhere in the 20's of concubines. He married 1 sister, and yes, 2 daughters. And yes, he did know it. The Pharaoh was thought to be a descendant of the gods, and therefor could only marry other descendants of gods--which would mean your siblings or relatives. This was EXTREMELY common. Their entire mythology is based on incest. But, the most pimpingest thing--he had his large penis SEPARATELY mummified!
Ice T didn't reflect shit ! Big Daddy Kane did .. Get your history straight, you syke !
Yeah, haha not joking but im related to Thimas Jefferson and King Charles......King Charles has my grandfathert's face and i have Thomas Jefferson's face a litte probly just the eyes............
schadenfreude9: "You know what I hate? Ever since Cracked allowed its articles to be commented on, the site has been infested with 'miss-the-pointers'. Guys, it might strike you as surprising but this is a *COMEDY* site, if you want facts, go to the fucking library. If you're upset that they didn't include Henry VIII, Caligula or College-era Jesus, then make your own article and quit bitching. Great article, by the way =)." So? It's a good thing. People don't question and discuss enough. They avoid all intellect possible. Now, that's what I hate
King Solomon had like 300 wives and 1000 concubine where the fuck is that guy on this list
All I can say is, "Where the FUCK is Benjamin Franklin?!" We all know what a pimp that man was.
The X-Men without the shitty one liners.
Come on, some were trying to be funny!
Children are stupid. Let's laugh at them.
Thanks for the grills, Flavor Flav!
Not quite as useful as "look both ways."
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Musicians are even dumber than you thought.
As long as Batman stays home, Robin's all yours.
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