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Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins

By Jay Pinkerton
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If there's one thing Stan Lee knew, it was how to create cool, interesting characters that would last for decades and become classic superheroes. And that's a relief, since it's arguable this is in fact the only thing Stan Lee knew, judging by the nonsensical origin stories of some of Marvel Comics' most beloved characters. Whether blasting off to Mars, getting bombarded with radiation or simply watching their families die and vowing to fight crime in a leotard afterwards, Marvel superheroes' career-starting legends all share a unifying trait: they don't actually make an ounce of fucking sense.

The Fantastic Four

Origin Story: Hoping to beat the Commies to Mars, '60s super-scientist Reed Richards builds a fab rocket ship and announces his plans to blast off into space. The United States government cautions Reed about getting exposed to potentially lethal cosmic rays, though astoundingly has no objections to a US citizen shooting off homemade rockets into the atmosphere, nor Reed bringing his actress girlfriend Susan Storm, her teenage brother Johnny and a jet pilot named Ben Grimm along with him. (The government's funding for hijinx-related projects, it should be noted, was more robust back then.)


Thanks to Scott Tipton and Comics101.com for the scans!

Comic Book Consequences: Naturally, Reed and his friends are exposed to cosmic rays almost instantly:

The quartet gain fantastic superpowers as a result: Reed can now stretch his body, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a human fireball and Ben Grimm is given the unstoppable power of being shit-hideous.

What Would Have Happened in Real Life: After building an unlicensed aircraft in his yard and boasting about shooting his girlfriend and her 17-year-old brother into outer space, Reed Richards is promptly brought up on charges of criminal negligence and child endangerment, his name tarnished in the scientific community. Richards flees the US to avoid prosecution, taking a teaching position at the Universidad de San Carlos in Guatemala. Since Guatemala has the lowest literacy rate in Central America, he spends most of his class time playing cards with his students and cursing his "total bitch" ex-girlfriend, who took advantage of Reed not bombarding her with space radiation by launching a successful acting career.

A Second Possibility: Reed Richards wisely decides to keep quiet about his goal to beat the Communists to Mars after noticing the horrified looks on his colleagues' faces, and so manages to get into outer space without tipping off the authorities. Once there, the four are bombarded with cosmic rays and, as advances in radiation can attest, nothing much happens initially. Since it takes the better part of a year to reach far-off Mars, Reed and co. settle in for the voyage, playing charades and watching Ben Grimm's astonishingly comprehensive collection of amateur pornography.

After a month of lethal radiation, Johnny develops a cataract in his left eye and Ben Grimm becomes sterile. After two months, Susan's hair begins to fall out in clumps and Richards starts pooping blood. By the time they reach Mars, every one of them has cancer. Luckily, due to the heavy nuclei in cosmic radiation all are profoundly brain damaged at this point, and nobody even notices. Now piloting a spacecraft while legally retarded, Reed suggests they abandon their Mars mission and fly off in the direction of a distant galaxy instead, on the grounds that it looks like ice cream. They are never heard from again.


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93 Comments

The Heroes to me are normal people who don't think being a fatass is attractive, like myself.

Posted on 7/4/2008 7:28:39 PM

That was funny as hell!

Posted on 7/4/2008 7:40:30 AM

Marvel already said what really would have happened to the Hulk and other heroes. It was a two-issue comic called RUINS. It was hilarious!

Posted on 7/3/2008 10:32:16 PM

Has anyone bothered to write about how DC comics are as equally if not more ridiculious in their writing and super powers? Besides, most of the characters in DC are modified copies of exsisting Marvel characters.

Posted on 7/3/2008 8:57:53 AM

I'm from Guatemala I never thought I'll see a mention of it in one of your articles, even thou it's not the most flatering mention I'm still very proud of it. By the way Reed wouldn't be playing cards with his students, he will be smoking pot or drinking beer.

Posted on 7/2/2008 7:28:30 PM

would it be more realistic if spiderman shot web out of his ass instead of his wrists? maybe... would it be more hilarious? most definitely.

Posted on 7/2/2008 2:40:48 PM

that was six

Posted on 7/2/2008 2:06:55 PM

nothing about the punisher having a devastating case of post traumatic stress disorder after vietnam?

Posted on 7/2/2008 10:26:08 AM

Uhh, you're talking about his physique AFTER he'd been injected with the super serum. How skinny he was before that is anyone's guess.

Posted on 6/30/2008 12:02:28 AM

Steve Roberts from Captain America may have been thin, but otherwise looked strong and wiry and in good shape. Yet apparently the U.S. Army rejected him as a "weakling". So apparently during WWII the U.S. Army and Marines only accepted heavily muscled bodybuilder types. No wonder they stomped all over the Axis powers if U.S. soldiers were all like Big Arnie at his prime.

Posted on 6/29/2008 2:29:36 AM

I scarf down 10 big macs in one sitting. I just put them on a platter and tilt it towards the gaping abyss of my insatiable pie-hole. No burger can escape from its clutches.

Posted on 6/28/2008 3:07:23 PM

The superhero in my heart is a big manful man, like many big guys I met @@ Plusmeet.com___, where many big boobs beauties, big booty hotties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!

Posted on 6/28/2008 2:30:26 PM

Yea, the author got bored with this one. Peter Parker, having gotten bitten by that spider, would have gotten pretty sick, gone to the hospital for treatment, recovered and lived out a normal life, or died from the bite. Not very funny, but closer to reality.

Posted on 6/28/2008 12:28:36 PM

WHEN YOU'LL FIND A MAN WHO LIKES TO FUCK COWS,CALL ME!

Posted on 6/28/2008 9:37:14 AM

I always figured The Punisher as the most realistic. A person pushed over the edge can still retain some amount of an idea of subtlety, and can realisr\e to not do it in public.

Posted on 6/25/2008 10:40:51 PM

And Peter Parker builds his own webslinger. What the hell? I mean instead of giving him all the powers of a spider, Stan Lee takes another leap in believabilty, asking us to accept the fact that Parker is also a scientist well advanced beyond the rest of mankind. hmmmmm-maybe he was on the Uranium rod sandwiches.

Posted on 6/25/2008 7:30:01 PM

a fellow under me seems to have the gibberish superpower

Posted on 6/25/2008 10:35:44 AM

I see you got bored with the whole article towards the end and just sort of lost interest huh?

Posted on 6/25/2008 3:51:37 AM

http://bux.to/?r=Requin

Posted on 6/25/2008 2:31:22 AM

I like this version of what would have happened to Jean more so then in the comics. Let's see her come back and be annoying after being shot when she just has a mutant bat wing!

Posted on 6/23/2008 11:30:05 PM

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