Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins
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If there's one thing Stan Lee knew, it was how to create cool, interesting characters that would last for decades and become classic superheroes. And that's a relief, since it's arguable this is in fact the only thing Stan Lee knew, judging by the nonsensical origin stories of some of Marvel Comics' most beloved characters. Whether blasting off to Mars, getting bombarded with radiation or simply watching their families die and vowing to fight crime in a leotard afterwards, Marvel superheroes' career-starting legends all share a unifying trait: they don't actually make an ounce of fucking sense.
The Fantastic Four
Origin Story: Hoping to beat the Commies to Mars, '60s super-scientist Reed Richards builds a fab rocket ship and announces his plans to blast off into space. The United States government cautions Reed about getting exposed to potentially lethal cosmic rays, though astoundingly has no objections to a US citizen shooting off homemade rockets into the atmosphere, nor Reed bringing his actress girlfriend Susan Storm, her teenage brother Johnny and a jet pilot named Ben Grimm along with him. (The government's funding for hijinx-related projects, it should be noted, was more robust back then.)
Comic Book Consequences: Naturally, Reed and his friends are exposed to cosmic rays almost instantly:
The quartet gain fantastic superpowers as a result: Reed can now stretch his body, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a human fireball and Ben Grimm is given the unstoppable power of being shit-hideous.
A Second Possibility: Reed Richards wisely decides to keep quiet about his goal to beat the Communists to Mars after noticing the horrified looks on his colleagues' faces, and so manages to get into outer space without tipping off the authorities. Once there, the four are bombarded with cosmic rays and, as advances in radiation can attest, nothing much happens initially. Since it takes the better part of a year to reach far-off Mars, Reed and co. settle in for the voyage, playing charades and watching Ben Grimm's astonishingly comprehensive collection of amateur pornography.
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After a month of lethal radiation, Johnny develops a cataract in his left eye and Ben Grimm becomes sterile. After two months, Susan's hair begins to fall out in clumps and Richards starts pooping blood. By the time they reach Mars, every one of them has cancer. Luckily, due to the heavy nuclei in cosmic radiation all are profoundly brain damaged at this point, and nobody even notices. Now piloting a spacecraft while legally retarded, Reed suggests they abandon their Mars mission and fly off in the direction of a distant galaxy instead, on the grounds that it looks like ice cream. They are never heard from again. 
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I swear, some of these people trying to defend comic book origins from attack by a humor site have been bitten by a radioactive retard, thus gaining super retard powers such as window licking and drooling.
Do one for super-villains some time. I think of the Joker. He falls into a vat of chemicals bleaching his skin and hair prompting him to go insane. What Would Happen In Real Life: The toxic waste he fell into would be destined to end his s**t. He'd die near-instantaneously.
Also here's a guy that also has an absurd origin: Batman. His parents are killed and he uses his retardedly large amount of money to fund his crime-fighting spree taking down bad guys. What Would Happen In Reality: Anyone with any common sense would quickly realize that the only guy in all of Gotham who has even remotely enough money to afford Batman's gadgets in Bruce f*****g Wayne. Bruce can then only watch as an angry lynch mob of Gotham criminals storm Wayne Manor and proceed to beat him and Alfred to death with pipes.
@folstar Yeah, radiation poisoning is communicable. When you get radiation treatment for thyroid disorders, you have to remain isolated for a couple days until your radioactivity levels go down. It's a big problem among soldiers coming back from Iraq who got chromosome disorders from all the dupleted uranium shells.
punisher: Remember the sniper a few years back that eluded capture for weeks? He was not a green beret nor killing people the cops would probably just as soon see dead.
captain america: Anabolic steroids? That is a rather absurd guess as to what the super serum was. Why not guess it was Flintstones vitamins and laugh at how absurd that would be- right?
xmen: Fast/hyper evolution has been observed in other species, so making the what if case for humans is fairly compelling fiction.
spider-man: Is radiation poisoning communicable? Even if it was would something the size of a spider conceivably have enough radiation (and still be moving) to bite and kill a human?
-10
for taking on the daunting task of observing how absurd comic books are (really?!?!?) and managing to fail, inability to count, and failure to type anything remotely funny
In response to thecritic06:
Well, I suppose you're right. It was still kind of funny.
Okay, my mistake. This article is NOT a joke.
Jokes are actually funny.
'This article is a joke.':
e_berserker
Well done. 120,000 brownie points for radioactive observational skills.
Seriously. Since when was comedy EVER supposed to represent in accurate perspective and without bias any subject it mentions? This website really isn't the place for your ravenous defence of some little picture books from 40 years ago.
Punishers story actually seems quite reallistic
In reply to berserker:
I totally agree. It's SCIENCE FICTION. As in, you know, not real. It's more than obvious that most of the articles on the website are tilted to a strong bias just to make it more funny. Which is fine, I suppose. It just sometimes makes them sound as stupid as the stuff they're ranting about.
Jesus, I'm a comic fan and I thought it was funny. Get a grip you Uber-Nerdy virgins lol
This article is a joke. It makes me think the author of it has no imagination at all and is a total douchebag. If comics represent our modern day mythology then Stan Lee is the equivalent of Zeus. Your condemnation of him is the only mildly funny thing in this article. I've read a lot of the articles on Cracked.com, but this one is the worst. What kind of inspirational and unique origin would you give a superhero? Douche!
Yeah, but most of the 'mutants' weren't actually mutations, just people with extraordinary abilities, like the guy who made a jet pack and flies around on it. The only actual 'mutant' on the list was the Uber Baby, who has a well-known genetic mutation that causes extreme mussel growth. It's rare and this is the first time it's been observed in humans, but it's basically one screwed up gene that says "Make tons of mussel!"
Didnt' Cracked publish a different article about several real life "mutant" people with different abilities?
There actually is a comic series that fits this: the What If? series which looks at what would have happened to different comic characters if their circumstances had changed. Ironic, since this article pans the back stories and then the comics actually go "Yeah our back stories are sh*t, but wouldn't it have been even sh*ttier if this happened?". Or maybe, "yeah our back stories are sh*t, but how cool would it be if...?"
ok, so I've read all of these articles and I think they someone (the writer) should read a comic sometime. Think a little bit about what to say before you say it. Oh just for the record, you're giving the police a lot of credit on saying that they would be on the spot as soon as Frank Castle would do anything. Oh and also the military is actually once again at the maximum amount of recruits that we are supposed to have. We are having to make it harder for people to join the military and stay in then what we have had tto in the past.
Oh... wait. The article is titled with five. Bawhahaha!
What are you guys going on about, only five? I see six; Fantastic Four, Punisher, Hulk, X-Men, Captain America, and Spider man.
i think matches is a mutant. That or a total nerd...lets get him out of his mother's basement, maybe the sun's rays will make him into a normal person! :D
Or Peter Parker says "ow, that's spider bit me, owee ow-ow" and Mary Jane's jock boyfriend slaps him upside the head and calls him a wuss. Cause, you know, how irradiating can one little spider possibly be?
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@folstar - I believe the phrase is "you fail biology forever."