Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins
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If there's one thing Stan Lee knew, it was how to create cool, interesting characters that would last for decades and become classic superheroes. And that's a relief, since it's arguable this is in fact the only thing Stan Lee knew, judging by the nonsensical origin stories of some of Marvel Comics' most beloved characters. Whether blasting off to Mars, getting bombarded with radiation or simply watching their families die and vowing to fight crime in a leotard afterwards, Marvel superheroes' career-starting legends all share a unifying trait: they don't actually make an ounce of fucking sense.
The Fantastic Four
Origin Story: Hoping to beat the Commies to Mars, '60s super-scientist Reed Richards builds a fab rocket ship and announces his plans to blast off into space. The United States government cautions Reed about getting exposed to potentially lethal cosmic rays, though astoundingly has no objections to a US citizen shooting off homemade rockets into the atmosphere, nor Reed bringing his actress girlfriend Susan Storm, her teenage brother Johnny and a jet pilot named Ben Grimm along with him. (The government's funding for hijinx-related projects, it should be noted, was more robust back then.)
Comic Book Consequences: Naturally, Reed and his friends are exposed to cosmic rays almost instantly:
The quartet gain fantastic superpowers as a result: Reed can now stretch his body, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a human fireball and Ben Grimm is given the unstoppable power of being shit-hideous.
A Second Possibility: Reed Richards wisely decides to keep quiet about his goal to beat the Communists to Mars after noticing the horrified looks on his colleagues' faces, and so manages to get into outer space without tipping off the authorities. Once there, the four are bombarded with cosmic rays and, as advances in radiation can attest, nothing much happens initially. Since it takes the better part of a year to reach far-off Mars, Reed and co. settle in for the voyage, playing charades and watching Ben Grimm's astonishingly comprehensive collection of amateur pornography.
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After a month of lethal radiation, Johnny develops a cataract in his left eye and Ben Grimm becomes sterile. After two months, Susan's hair begins to fall out in clumps and Richards starts pooping blood. By the time they reach Mars, every one of them has cancer. Luckily, due to the heavy nuclei in cosmic radiation all are profoundly brain damaged at this point, and nobody even notices. Now piloting a spacecraft while legally retarded, Reed suggests they abandon their Mars mission and fly off in the direction of a distant galaxy instead, on the grounds that it looks like ice cream. They are never heard from again. 
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There actually is a comic series that fits this: the What If? series which looks at what would have happened to different comic characters if their circumstances had changed. Ironic, since this article pans the back stories and then the comics actually go "Yeah our back stories are sh*t, but wouldn't it have been even sh*ttier if this happened?". Or maybe, "yeah our back stories are sh*t, but how cool would it be if...?"
ok, so I've read all of these articles and I think they someone (the writer) should read a comic sometime. Think a little bit about what to say before you say it. Oh just for the record, you're giving the police a lot of credit on saying that they would be on the spot as soon as Frank Castle would do anything. Oh and also the military is actually once again at the maximum amount of recruits that we are supposed to have. We are having to make it harder for people to join the military and stay in then what we have had tto in the past.
Oh... wait. The article is titled with five. Bawhahaha!
What are you guys going on about, only five? I see six; Fantastic Four, Punisher, Hulk, X-Men, Captain America, and Spider man.
i think matches is a mutant. That or a total nerd...lets get him out of his mother's basement, maybe the sun's rays will make him into a normal person! :D
Or Peter Parker says "ow, that's spider bit me, owee ow-ow" and Mary Jane's jock boyfriend slaps him upside the head and calls him a wuss. Cause, you know, how irradiating can one little spider possibly be?
K..........
1: While Matches may be a bit of a nerd, he IS right....
2: I don't really read comics, but the Hulk comic you posted clearly says 'several miles away from the blast..........' I hope Pinkerton doesn't write too many articles.......
3: As ZenStorm says, 5 =/= 6. Who would have thought?
Zenstorm:
Thats Hilarious, I didnt even notice.
So, I'm wondering what the logic is in creating a bomb that not only fails to kill the enemy, but turns them into unstoppable superhumans...
Next Article: Cracked.com's 10 Dumbest Mistakes... Number 7: The inability to count to six leads Cracked to title an article with the number 5 (ostensibly the highest number to which they've learned to count.)
Actually, Richards would have been in worse trouble: he STOLE the ship from NASA. Which apparently had minimal security at night in those days. They would have invented the Gitmo prison just for this man.
How a vagina feels!!! GOLD!!! 0wes0 best call I have seen so far!!
Mathces, I'd take up 0wes0 on his kind offer!
you know wonder woman was made from clay by her parents wasted oppurtunity
Hey,Here's What Coulda Happened:
Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen Would Investigate Professor Xavier's"Mutant School"On Grounds That It was Actually a Child Sex Ring!!
Perfeser X Woulda Hired Jean Grey;Storm and Jubilee To Give Him Lap Dances On a Daily Basis!!
"the bullet-ridden remains of his family technically counted as litter"
that is cold. even if it is for the sake of comedy
(Cont.)Meaning the only changes will be in the DNA sequence. Basicly, the mutation of CTGU to CTUA will cause nothing more than a benign tumor or another figure. Also, neural synapsis the transfer of info in the brain is cause by voltage ion channels. So, if a psychic tried to read someone's mind they would fry that person's brain only to know that their favorite ice cream is vanilla.
To Dax: One, evolution happens on a Nitrogenous base level. Meaning the
GUYS! C'mon, I trust you all to be thorough! I use cracked.com more than Snopes, and yes, somehow, you miss the fact that Bruce Banner was MILES AWAY FROM THE GAMMA BOMB?! I'm no comic nerd - it says so right there on the comic that you posted.
Topless girls jump from airplane... Woohoo, pert nips!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8e71e69f4b3e36627fce
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Didnt' Cracked publish a different article about several real life "mutant" people with different abilities?