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You'd think that by now, we as a species would have pretty much figured out sex, what with Hollywood and the Internet constantly pumping us full of messages on the subject -- and we all know that if there are two things that can be universally trusted, those two things are Hollywood and the Internet. But as we've shown you before, your sex-pertise may not be all it's engorged to be, which is why you still believe ridiculous things like ...

6 Myth: Aphrodisiacs Boost Your Sex Drive

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When you think of activities that get you in the mood for a nice romp, you probably think of nibbling your lover's ear, or kissing their neck, or playing the opening drum solo to "Hot for Teacher" on their butt cheeks. But there's an entire multi-million dollar industry that says you can skip all that boring foreplay bullshit, just so long as you're willing to gulp down some Spanish Fly or other weird concoction.

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It's mayo and old library books. Don't give us that look.

And fine, chances are you don't believe that every single supplement claiming to be an aphrodisiac is actually going to make boning seem irresistible. But come on, at least a few of these sexual boosters must have an effect, right? Just one, maybe? There's no way that aphrodisiacs just literally don't exist at all.

But Actually ...

Aphrodisiacs just literally don't exist at all. Not a single food or drug has ever been shown to have any sort of positive effect on a person's sex drive -- at least according to the FDA, but what do they know about food and drugs, anyway?

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Thankfully, classic Motown still works every time.

But even if aphrodisiacs don't have any measurable physiological effect, what about the idea that they serve as placebos? There's nothing wrong with taking a harmless supplement if it's what you need to convince yourself that sex is fun (and let's be honest here, that can be a pretty difficult thing to convince yourself of).

That would be all well and good, except for the fact that the FDA is once again spoiling everyone's fun by pointing out that a lot of these herbal "aphrodisiacs" are really freaking bad for you. Take Spanish Fly, a substance you might think will get you all hot and wet, but instead might just permanently damage your urinary system. Hell, back in 1999, four people died after trying aphrodisiacs. Tone Loc lied to us!

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Maybe we should reconsider doing the Wild Thing.

All right, so what about the everyday "sexy" foods like chocolate, which supposedly possesses magical panty-eliminating properties? Well, scientists in Italy tested this by creating something called the Female Sexual Function Index, because of course they did, and force-shoveling chocolate down a bunch of women's throats. And, sorry ladies, but it turns out that chocolate does precisely squat to crank up your Wannabone Meter ... unless, of course, you happen to have a Willy Wonka fetish, which may skew the results somewhat.

5Myth: Married/Older People Have Less Sex

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Let's face it, the life of a young bachelor or bachelorette is awesome. Whenever the mood strikes they can simply go to a bar or a party or, hell, a library, make some sexy eyes at their random lover of choice, and head on home to rub their genitals on each other's faces until orgasm, as is the custom in human mating.

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The male then apologizes to his mate, saying he "saw it in a porno once."

But as any standup comedian can tell you, that all dies with marriage. That ring you slip on is much like Frodo's, in that it makes your sex life turn all shadow-wobbly and attract the attention of big fiery eyeballs. And it only gets worse with time -- as you hit your golden years, sex becomes a dusty, ancient memory. Eventually your genitals make weird creaking noises and you can only pee after clearing away the cobwebs.

But Actually ...

Here's a handy chart that should tell you everything you need to know about being married: There is a lot of sex. Just, sex all over the place.

Kinsey Institute
Charts are widely regarded to be the sluttiest type of document.

Holy shit, so almost 50 percent of young married couples are having sex two to three times a week. Meanwhile, more than 50 percent of young single people haven't even had sex in the past year. Single life doesn't seem so sexy anymore, does it?

"But Cracked," we just know you're saying right about now. "What we really, really want to know is how often old people are screwing each other." Well, we're here to serve: A horrible, horrible study sought to figure out just that, because scientists won't be content until you picture your own grandparents going at it, which you are indeed picturing right now. And it turns out that a whopping 75 percent of the senior citizens they asked to participate were connoisseurs of dancing the Wrinkly Tango. In fact, there's so much brittle pelvic grinding running rampant that it's causing an STD problem among the elderly.

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"Forty years is the Syphilis anniversary."

But don't run to the bathroom screaming just yet, you'll miss out on the discussion about old people going down on each other! That's right, more than half of 57- to 75-year-olds have engaged in oral sex in the past year. So there you have it, kiddos: It's actually more likely than not that, sometime within the past year, your dear old grandma has sucked herself some dick. You're welcome.

4Myth: Inbreeding Between Cousins Creates a Genetic Nightmare

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If there's one lesson the characters in Game of Thrones could truly benefit from, it's that inbreeding is a Bad Thing. Here in the non-fictional world, it's common knowledge that heads are much better when they're still attached to necks. Oh, and also that having sex with your cousin results in a dimwitted child sporting extra appendages. You might not completely understand the science, but you know that something makes the chromosomes go all screwy.

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Don't fuck with us, weirdo.

Plus, sex with your cousin. Ew.

But Actually ...

If inbreeding between cousins was actually that terrible for the gene pool, you wouldn't expect it to be biologically successful, evolutionarily speaking -- meaning that cousins shouldn't have as many children as unrelated couples. Darwin would be all over that shit. Which is funny, because Darwin himself married his first cousin. And it turns out there's no irony there, because breeding cousins are actually more biologically successful than total strangers. So if the whole point of natural selection is to prevent the gene pool from becoming polluted, what's going on here? Either natural selection sat this one out, or inbreeding between cousins just isn't that bad.

Via Wikimedia
It certainly would save on paper.

Well, no subject is too taboo for scientists to poke with needles, and it turns out that reproducing with your cousin only increases the risk of birth defects by 2 to 3 percent. That's the same increased risk faced by a woman who has a child at the age of 41. Does a 41-year-old woman having a kid weird you out? Well, according to science, banging your cousin isn't any weirder than that.

And if you take a close look at our timeline, we humans actually have a long and rich history of bonking our own relatives. In fact, one Rutgers anthropology professor estimates that 80 percent of every single married couple in human history were second cousins or more closely related. So what we're saying is that no one will think poorly of you if, at your next family reunion, you put on some banjo music and allow your inner biological urges to run their course. Only, of course, they will, because gross.

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If your song is "Foggy Mountian Breakdown," then something went wrong.

'

3Myth: The Withdrawal Method is Completely Unreliable

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If you think back to your high school health class, chances are you'll remember your teacher awkwardly demonstrating how to cover a banana with a condom while singing the praises of proper birth control. For example, the boy can't simply pull his wing-wang out of the girl's hoo-ha right before ejaculation and expect that to work as a form of birth control (the so-called "withdrawal method"). After all, he said, that little bit of juice that trickles out at the start sexual activity is more than enough to get a woman pregnant!

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Behold the horror your carelessness has wrought.

But Actually ...

Let's start with condoms. They're usually a pretty good thing to start with. According to one study, condoms have a 98 percent success rate when used perfectly. Pretty goddamn good, right? So where does the withdrawal method stand -- 50 percent? Maybe 70, tops? Actually, that same study found that when the withdrawal method is used perfectly, it has a 96 percent success rate.

Now we know what you're thinking. The catch is those two extra words thrown in there -- "used perfectly" -- because in a world filled with bumbling dumbasses, who ever manages to use anything perfectly? And you're absolutely right to think that, because with imperfect use the success rate of the withdrawal method falls to 82 percent. Thing is, when condoms are used imperfectly, their success rate also falls to 83 percent. So no matter how you look at it, condoms are only a percent or two better than just using some restraint and calling a retreat before the ol' purple-headed warrior pukes (never let it be said that we at Cracked don't know sexy).

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Pictured: sexiness?

But wait, how can that be possible when a dude has sperm trickling out the whole time, even before orgasm? Well, two separate studies discovered that there are hardly any sperm at all in it, and the ones that are tend to be gimpy. Now again, none of this will help you prevent STD's -- that's where condoms really are king. But when it comes to birth control? A little self-control actually goes a long way.

2Myth: Sex the Night Before Playing Sports Hinders Performance

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When the Pittsburgh Steelers were gearing up to play in the 2006 Super Bowl, how do you think they prepared? By lifting some extra weights? Running some extra drills? Maybe so, but most importantly they were separated from their wives before the big game, because everyone knows that having sex before a game can disrupt your athletic performance. It's been a prevailing theory in professional sports for generations -- it came up in Rocky and Raging Bull, and even the great Muhammad Ali refused to have sex for six weeks before a fight.

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Keep the Rope-A-Dope in the ring, Champ.

And if you think about it, it makes a sort of logical sense. After all, not only will sex tire a dude out, but it will also drain his testosterone -- and if there's one thing competitive sports needs more of, it's a heaping helping of testosterone with a side of male aggression.

But Actually ...

First of all, you may be surprised to learn that sex really isn't all that tiring. It turns out that a vigorous game of Shame the Kielbasa (we may be doing sex euphemisms wrong) only burns about as many calories as you'd burn if you walked up a couple flights of stairs. If that's the kind of thing that makes you too tired to compete the next day, you're not a professional athlete; you're a professional Wal-Martscooterer.

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"After this we can relax with a nice Double Reverse Tennessee Twist."

But what about the testosterone? Well, research has found that sex actually causes the body to produce more testosterone. So, if anything, sex actually makes a man more competitive and aggressive. On the other hand, if he goes without sex for a long enough period of time, he will literally have the testosterone levels of a child. So abstinence might be a good strategy if there's a big hide-and-seek tournament coming up, but otherwise the horizontal bump could actually be beneficial in preparation for the big game.

But what about female athletes? Could sex before an athletic event somehow help them, too? As usual, a guy in a lab coat has the answer, and yes, it turns out that sex is a great natural remedy for women with sports injuries or muscle pains. Sexual activity actually stops a certain pain transmitter from ever getting released, presumably because it's too busy taking a shower and smoking a cigarette.

With sex being such a great athletic booster for both men and women, it's no wonder boning has become an Olympic event.

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Don't get too worked up; that's just a participation award.

1Myth: A Woman's First Time Is Excruciating

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For a guy, losing his virginity is like winning the lottery while simultaneously eating bacon and playing an early-release copy of GTA V, if all those things only took 30 seconds. Girls, on the other hand, dread their first time because it's less winning the lottery and more getting repeatedly stabbed in the groin with a fleshy harpoon.

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We can dream, can't we?

It's in pop culture all the time: A happy young couple attempts to lose their virginity. Cue comedic/creepy scene of the girl awkwardly trying to endure the pain, immediately followed by the obligatory off-screen premature ejaculation. Starring Jason Segel or Seth Rogen.

But Actually ...

First of all, the idea that the hymen has to be forcibly broken open during a girl's first time is complete horseshit. After literally hundreds of thousands of years of playing groin tag, many of us humans still haven't realized that the hymen is usually gone by the time a girl is old enough to engage in sexual activity -- which gets disturbing when you consider the fact that there are still cultures in which checking the hymen is considered a legitimate way to test for virginity.

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"Hmm, this one doesn't have a hymen either. Oh well, burn her with the rest of 'em."

But even if the hymen isn't the problem, there's still the pain, right? It's as inevitable as the guy apologizing and stammering about how "this never happens." Well, the fact of the matter is that the expectation of said pain is so ingrained into the public consciousness that it's become a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

You see, the domestic vagina is an extremely sensitive creature that tends to be very much in tune with its owner's mental state. If a girl and her partner approach the situation in a slow and relaxed manner, their first time will be simultaneously smooth and amazing, like watching a fireworks show from a Slip 'n Slide. A vagina that's overwhelmingly apprehensive about the impending pain, on the other hand, tends to be all seized up and unlubricated -- and under those conditions, guess what? The first time's going to hurt. It's sort of like when a guy can't stop thinking about not prematurely ejaculating, thus immediately ejaculating prematurely.

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"I'm done lying about it: This happens every single time."

And ... that's just about as far as we can take this advice without jeopardizing our street cred. What do we look like here, fucking Cosmo?

Alex Race can be added on Facebook. You can also send writing job offers, fan mail, and death threats to arrace@buffalo.edu.

Related Reading: Still holding onto some outdated sex myths? Click this link and learn that sperm can survive as long as a WEEK outside of your body. Some of our silliest sex myths are actually true. For example; the length of someone's fingers can totally tell you if they're gay or straight. Ready to ease up on the science with a double-dose of mythology? Click here to read about Loki's horse-rape babies.

We have some bad news: Cosmo is actively working to ruin your sex life, porn has taught you nothing but lies and your favorite book sellers are now taking pre-orders for a text book written and illustrated entirely by the Cracked team! Hitting shelves in October, Cracked's De-Textbook is a fully-illustrated, systematic deconstruction of all of the bullshit you learned in school.

It's loaded with facts about history, your body, and the world around you that your teachers didn't want you to know. And as a bonus? We've also included the kinkiest sex acts ever described in the Bible.

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