6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)
The only thing more awesome than an urban legend turning out to be true is if that same legend involves some sort of nefarious sex or groin related hilarity.
Luckily, all of these qualify.
#6.
Digit Ratio Theory
The Legend:
"Dude, I can totally tell he's gay! Look at his fingers!"
This sounds like one of those playground urban myths that adolescent males use as an excuse to punch each other. Supposedly, comparing the size of your index and ring fingers can tell whether a guy is destined to one day make out with Sulu and Andy Dick in a poorly lit alley in Hollywood.
Yeah, right. Enough of your ignorant homophobia!
The Truth:
Incredibly, this is a real thing. It's called digit ratio theory and multiple studies have confirmed it.
Apparently if you have a longer ring finger, it means you got more testosterone as a fetus and are more likely to be hyperactive, aggressive and disgusted by anything featuring Hugh Grant.
A longer index finger, on the other hand, means more estrogen, making you more neurotic and sensitive. So if your index finger is way longer than your ring finger, you're like the gayest dude ever, right?
Actually, no. Studies found that it was when the two fingers were nearly the same length that the subjects were more likely to be gay (men and women both). Why? You'll have to ask the scientists, it's technical. What we do know is a study from Rutgers looking at finger lengths in lesbians even found a noticeable difference between the "butch" ladies who drive trucks and wear flannel and the more feminine lesbians who tend to populate your fantasies.
So... how far into this entry did you get before you stopped to look at your fingers?
#5.
The Dong Stuck in a Pool Filter
The Legend:
So you're swimming around the pool and you pass by the humming filter, sucking debris out of the water. "Hey, watch out!" yells one of your friends. "I know a guy who totally got his dick stuck in one of those!"
The Truth:
Did you dream about being a cop when you were a kid? Chasing bad guys and sliding over the hoods of cars? Well, here's a nice story for you that gives you a better idea of the day-to-day life of a law enforcement officer.
"I bet I'll never have to touch some dude's dong."
The police force in Lakeland, FL responded to a call from the Scottish Inn motel. The clerk had called 911 just before 5 A.M. because who else do you call when a customer tries to hump your aquatic equipment and is then unable to free himself?
See how there's no spot for your dong? Why do you think that is?
Cops arrived and did what they assumed would save the day by shutting off the pump. Problem solved, right?
They could only wish. For those who've never spent a half hour or so playing penis tug-o-war with a suction filter, the result is massive swelling that, as it turns out, prohibits wang removal even when the pump is shut off.
Feeling not quite up to the task of shlong-liberation and assuming additional humiliation for the dude in the pool was in order, paramedics were called in. Presumably a pretty huge crowd had gathered at this point, to enjoy a solid hour of heavy lube application and group tugging until finally someone was able to make a poetic Free Willy joke and the man was taken to the hospital.
#4.
The Call Girl Daughter
The Legend:
A man is sent out of town for business on the company dime. Upon arrival he wastes no time and gets right to business. And by business we mean, of course, "whores."
As he carefully arranges his bondage gear and furry outfits, there is a knock on the door. His whore has arrived. He opens the door, boner at full strength, to discover the call girl is none other than his own daughter. Awkward Thanksgivings ensue for years after.
The Truth:
In 2002, an Israeli businessman was sent to a resort called Eilat for four days where presumably his company expected him to relax a bit, learn a few new tricks to apply back at the office and not try to pork his own daughter. Very likely that was in some manner of memo regarding what was acceptable behavior during his time away, wedged between "no gambling" and "no filling your ass with firecrackers."
"Do I care if she's my daughter? Uh, if you can at all avoid it, that'd be best, but don't go crazy."
Unable to control his insatiable need to bone, the man ordered a call girl on his first night there. Sure enough, the woman that was sent to his room just happened to be his little girl.
Who's your daddy? Oh... right.
The man in question suffered a minor heart attack upon seeing his daughter there, either from anguish or from the rush of blood caused by the history's fastest wilting boner. After taking a few moments to collect themselves, we assume they shared an awkward hug and the man left for home.
Likely perplexed about the best way to deal with the situation, he opted to ignore our "drink away the memories" advice and instead told his wife everything. She then vowed to not only find a better occupation for her daughter--which is arguably anything since very few occupations these days result in sex with your dad outside of some Wal-Marts in the South--but also to divorce the man.
Bear in mind, the study for #1 says "more likely", not "definitely will be". My ring finger is markedly longer than my index, but according to that study, my index finger should be longer, based on my personality.
ReplyI got to the the sentence that ended with "disgusted by anything featuring Hugh Grant" before I looked at my fingers.
Reply#4 is sure as sh!t a hell of a way to catch your other half for cheating!
ReplyI love the part at the end of the article: "Jeffrey went on to explain...". As if young Mr. Dog-Banger reasoned, "Oh, hey, yeah, what I need to do here is Explain.".
ReplyHM. Well, I'm a straight female but my ring finger is a bit longer than my index finger. When my mom was pregnant with me they actually thought I was a boy because of my slower heartbeat, which might account for the whole testosterone thing. So...Does that mean..I'm some kind of gay man in a female body? I'm confused....
ReplyTry reading the whole entry before freaking out about your fingers
no it means you're a lesbian
Have to agree with zuzuspetals here. Ring and index fingers are the same length. I'm not terribly aggressive, or outgoing. Pretty laid back, kinda shy. But I only love me some ladies! - Like a lot. Although it's come to my attention that I *may* have an unintended affinity for lesbians. AKA: Girls who won't touch my penis. So I do wonder where that comes from.
ReplyEven my first girlfriend referred to herself as 'lesbian until [she met me]'
Guys aren't the only ones having sex with power tools. My fiance's ex could only get off using a vibrator made from a drumstick attached to a power drill..... Ain't that fucked up?
ReplyWell... on my left hand, my ring finger is longer than my index finger, while on my right hand, my index finger is longer than my ring finger. That means... uhh...
ReplyYou're bi.
Both of my index fingers are much shorter than my ring fingers and I'm gay so meh.
ReplyPretty much the same thing with me. Ring fingers are about a centimeter longer than my index fingers. So, this is still bullshit; I don't know what the test subjects of those studies were smoking, but it must have been some premium stuff.
I've actually been on Anafranil, here listed by its generic name as the orgasm pill. Nobody told me that was a side effect and I suddenly feel gypped because all it did was give me vertigo.
ReplyI love those stories, where a guy is caught doing something awful, by someone doing something worse.
ReplyRing finger: Longer. On a side note, Seeing the place where the dong was stuck in the pool filter? My old home town. You learn something knew everyday. . .?
ReplyThe length of my *mumbles* are *mumbles* and *mumbles* stupid Cracked just assuming I'd look *mumbles*
ReplyI wonder what the normal digit ratio is for bisexuals. I'm bi, and my index and ring fingers are exactly the same length.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesprobably that then.
But what does it mean if my index finger is a penis?
Ditto on all accounts. Bi and the fingers are the same length.
I'm Bi, and when going with a girl I'm usually fem. My ring fingers are *slightly* longer than my index. We should get a survey going.
I have a friend who's dad worked at a machinist shop, and one of his coworkers earned the name "Spanky" after their supervisor caught him beating his meat near a machine. Thankfully he was nowhere near the lathe...
ReplyTotally made that one up on the fly, right?
Na his fly was already open.
I'm a girl and my ring finger is way longer than my index finger haha
ReplyMultiple studies have been done on the digital ratio theory, but the emphasis for most of them weren't sexuality, it was behavior. Men with longer ringer fingers tend to be more fertile and aggressive and outgoing, but those aren't really prerequisites for liking vagina. Men with equal length fingers are more sensitive and perhaps less likely to bluntly speak their mind. Again, you can be sensitive and like vagina.
ReplyThe norm for women is to have equal length second and fourth digits, and again women with longer fingers were more aggressive, but less fertile. Also, you don't have to be meek and sensitive to like dick.
There was a study done about the digital theory and sexuality. And of course since it had to do with sex that's what most people focused on. I'd also like to point out that a study does not make scientific fact. It needs to be critiqued by peers and repeated multiple times with the same results.
Shutup...
@SeanYamakazi Shutup...
Yeah, pretty sure the digit ratio theory is bullshit. I read this while in a room with 8 people in it, and it didn't apply to anyone. In fact, the only straight person in the room (according to the study) was the only true homosexual.
ReplyThat you checked their ring fingers means your gay.
My index finger is longer than my ring finger. Im straight but i do think i might have had some hormone imbalance at some point. Ive also heard its not really proven at all because the conclusions are contradictory and they didnt really have a way to test hormone levels while in the womb i think.
ReplyUgliest bull terrier ever.
Replysexiest bull terrier ever.