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You are an idiot.
Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck!
But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.
Health And Anatomy
As Far As You Understand It.
Secret Bonus Heart?
Oh Shit, it's a full guy. This whole time I thought I was looking at a tongue, or something.
Fucking GrossNaturally, you're curious about this meat suitcase you find yourself locked inside of. From the time that you enter kindergarten—not knowing your ass from elbow macaroni, and unwilling to take "I don't know" for an answer—on through the stage when puberty flushes everything that isn't hormones from your bloodstream, and well into adulthood, you're going to have lots of questions about the soft pile of tissue you're stuck piloting. Unfortunately, your parents and teachers won't let you learn enough about human anatomy to know what part of their body they're pulling the answers out of. That's where the De-Textbook comes in: Learn how your tongue really works, what color your blood actually is, and even some extra secret bonus senses you didn't know you had. It's like a power-up for your life.
Scale comparisons of the
scariest prehistoric creatures
Starring Suicidal Size Comparison Harry
Suicidal Size-Comparison Harry and the biggest dinosaur in Jurassic Park take shelter underneath Amphicoelias fragillimus, the city block sized dinosaur your teachers didn't bother telling you about.
Suicidal Size-Comparison Harry shows us what Titanoboa might look like while taking an average sized, man shaped poop.
Say hello to Argentavis magnificens, and goodbye to bicycles, convertibles, outdoor sporting events, and a world where blue sky is a beacon of hope, rather than a grim reminder of your own mortality
This is Arctodus simus, a bear weighing over a ton and standing twelve feet tall. Pay special notice to Suicidal Size Comparison Harry's steadfast professionalism (possibly a fear seizure).
The largest rodent ever, Josephoartigasia monesi, weighed over a ton — and is apparently developing a special interest in Suicidal Size Comparison Harry’s crotch.
Suicidal Size Comparison Harry, just moments before he realized the 13 foot long Spider Crab we handed him was alive. You should have seen the look on his face! (It was light grey, mostly.)
The Holistic Health Pyramid
Myth vs TruthMyth
Healthy muffins for breakfast.Truth
Your average bran muffin has just as many calories as a McDonald's Sausage McMuffin.Myth
Vitamin-fortified spinach for lunch.Truth
Spinach does not contain high amounts of iron – that myth came from a typo in 1870.Myth
Only fruit and/or vegetable based desserts.Truth
Stuffing carrots into a fist-sized chunk of cake does not turn it into health food. Carrot cake is still cake. It's right there in the name, fatty.Myth
Nurture a healthy metabolism.Truth
Metabolism works exactly opposite of the way you think. Skinny people have slow metabolisms. Fat people have faster ones. It's all about the amount of calories consumed versus activities participated in (eating, sadly, does not count as 'an activity').Myth
Replace harmful soda with healthy vitamin-infused sports beveragesTruth
Vitamin water has the same amount of sugar as a candy bar. We're assuming the slogan "Thirsty? Drink a Snickers!" didn't test well with fitness nuts.Myth
Put down the five gallon jug. You’re getting most of your daily water from food. No, no, put down the candy bar – we didn’t mean you could hydrate with a Butterfinger.Americans spend trillions of dollars on food each year, which puts the food industry right up there with oil and banking for the largest number of Ivy League-educated jerkwads who get paid to lie to you. As a reasonably intelligent person, you probably know not to trust the health claims in commercials for marshmallow cereal. But you probably don't realize how many of the most basic facts you learned about nutrition are just as full of crap.