You are an idiot.
Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck!
But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.
Secret Bonus Heart?
Oh Shit, it's a full guy. This whole time I thought I was looking at a tongue, or something.
Suicidal Size-Comparison Harry and the biggest dinosaur in Jurassic Park take shelter underneath Amphicoelias fragillimus, the city block sized dinosaur your teachers didn't bother telling you about.
Suicidal Size-Comparison Harry shows us what Titanoboa might look like while taking an average sized, man shaped poop.
Say hello to Argentavis magnificens, and goodbye to bicycles, convertibles, outdoor sporting events, and a world where blue sky is a beacon of hope, rather than a grim reminder of your own mortality
This is Arctodus simus, a bear weighing over a ton and standing twelve feet tall. Pay special notice to Suicidal Size Comparison Harry's steadfast professionalism (possibly a fear seizure).
The largest rodent ever, Josephoartigasia monesi, weighed over a ton — and is apparently developing a special interest in Suicidal Size Comparison Harry’s crotch.
Suicidal Size Comparison Harry, just moments before he realized the 13 foot long Spider Crab we handed him was alive. You should have seen the look on his face! (It was light grey, mostly.)
Healthy muffins for breakfast.Truth
Your average bran muffin has just as many calories as a McDonald's Sausage McMuffin.
Vitamin-fortified spinach for lunch.Truth
Spinach does not contain high amounts of iron – that myth came from a typo in 1870.
Only fruit and/or vegetable based desserts.Truth
Stuffing carrots into a fist-sized chunk of cake does not turn it into health food. Carrot cake is still cake. It's right there in the name, fatty.
Nurture a healthy metabolism.Truth
Metabolism works exactly opposite of the way you think. Skinny people have slow metabolisms. Fat people have faster ones. It's all about the amount of calories consumed versus activities participated in (eating, sadly, does not count as 'an activity').
Replace harmful soda with healthy vitamin-infused sports beveragesTruth
Vitamin water has the same amount of sugar as a candy bar. We're assuming the slogan "Thirsty? Drink a Snickers!" didn't test well with fitness nuts.
Put down the five gallon jug. You’re getting most of your daily water from food. No, no, put down the candy bar – we didn’t mean you could hydrate with a Butterfinger.