18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys

We previously chronicled how in the Internet age, the whole sex toy thing has gotten completely, terrifyingly out of hand.

Well, there's a whole new generation of devices that will get your blood pumping for all the wrong reasons. So have your nightmares welcome their new guests...

Admit it, every time you visit your local sex store you look up and down the aisles and are secretly ashamed and disgusted that there's not a single toy that can also double as some kind of medieval siege weapon.

Lucky for you, some perverse engineers thought the same thing and nipped that problem in the bud. As with all of the devices on this list, we'll leave it to your imagination as to what the thing looks like in use.

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"This machine is so smooth, quiet and easy to use it allows you to focus more on your pleasure and less on your mechanical abilities."

Ah, from medieval weapon to medieval torture device. If you're into that sort of thing, or if you're conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.

For those of us who prefer not to have metal spikes jammed in our units, it probably keeps a mean grip on hot dogs when you're cooking over an open fire.

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"Imagine the look on your boy toy's face when he wants to feel that pleasure but something else is keeping him from fully realizing his arousal."

It's a sign of our throwaway society that people can't even be bothered to use reusable canned vaginas anymore, but the convenience of a Pepsi sized tube of greased up, squishy polymers just can't be beat. We're guessing on every corner in Japan they've got these in vending machines.

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"Complete with lubricant, this disposable pussy will leave you wanting more!"

Two things that any good sex toy should have are the ability to both scratch those super hard-to-reach places and the ability to warp the mind of a child should they ever stumble upon it by accident. This nightmarishly well-endowed bear accomplishes both rather nicely. We wonder if they ever made a tie-in cartoon starring this little guy.

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"Your pussy is a play thing and this wireless teddy is the one to play with."

It's a little known fact that not all sex dolls are made for personal enjoyment. Some, like this sagging septuagenarian doll, are just made to haunt the recesses of your psyche for all time. And force you to buy denture cleaner.

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"Mature kink love doll comes with her own false teeth."

It's pretty much a given that intimacy can't be achieved very well without making use of the sense of touch. On the other hand, you'd figure it's a given that you shouldn't be trying to get intimate while wearing a poor man's Freddy Krueger hand accessory on each finger, but not everyone rolls the same way. So cram these on your fingers and get the Emergency Room on speed dial.

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"Wear all five or just one or two at a time. Even one will get you the respect you deserve."

It's sad that looking at a selection of dildos modeled after animals and mythical beasts is barely shocking in this day and age. But, thankfully, we have innovative devices like the Drippy Dragon to keep us on our toes.

This dildo, modeled somehow after a dragon wang, actually shoots jets of spooge for all those situations in which you need something like that to happen.

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"Includes free 8oz / 250ml bottle of Bad Dragon cum-lube."

So you're in a bit of a pickle. That special someone is coming over but you're afraid your sex life is getting boring. What's the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible? Here's your answer.

Waiting for us to explain how it works? Figure it out. We're done thinking about it.

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"The enema bag can hold 4 liters."

You know how mattresses have that tag on them warning you not to remove it, and it's hard to figure out what could be so bad if you removed the tag, but almost nobody ever removes it anyway, just because something awful might happen? If someone wrote on that tag that you should never stick an electrified metal rod in your wang, this product might never have been invented.

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"The Electrosex Urethral Sounds is not for beginners."

One of the worst things that can happen to anyone's sex life is the day you wake up and realize your sexuality in no way reflects anything you've witnessed in the Hellraiser series of films. It doesn't have to be that way though. Thanks, Extreme Ass Spreader!

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"retractor opens up to 4" wide"

OK, we have to interject here. Why in the hell would you possibly need to stretch your anus four inches wide?

Ah, again we learn why you don't ask the Internet a question you don't want to know the answer to.

Is that a radiation symbol on the side?

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"The heft, thickness and range of this butt plug means you'll get a fulfilling stretch."

Well, might as well get the dildos out of the way now.

The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can't reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure. This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device.

And are we crazy or is it physically impossible to breathe with that thing on?

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"This soft leather strap-on harness makes it easy to strap a dildo to your face."

Oh, look. It's a Drilldo.

So... we're not experts on this sort of thing but do people build up like, a tolerance to vibrators? To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it? To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?

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"Yoga-like relaxing massage."

Aaaaand here's a way to put out the aforementioned vagina-fire.

This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you'd find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment. Then you realize this is for, as the site says, "intimate water play."

For extra fun, try to picture how the other attachments are used.

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"6'/ 1.828 meters of non-tarnishing, nickel-free, non-crimping flexible hose."

Remember how, as a teenager, you'd try to dupe members of the opposite sex into a game of Twister in the hopes of one day maybe touching some boob "by accident"? This is what happens when that mischievous childhood memory is taken to Hollywood and gang fucked by men in masks.

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"Post Master Kit contains the following: ... 1 Beret protector... "

If the Post Master up there didn't look quite dangerous enough, why not take those same mounted dildos and put them on a spring? And then jump up and down with it inside you? Why, they even added an attachment for a friend so you can stare into each other's eyes as you both come to the realization you're suffering massive genital trauma that you'll likely never recover from.

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"This Jack Hammer Johnson come with two cradles, two passion grips ... and all the necessary mounting hardware."

Remember all those times you had sex and thought something was missing? If that something involved being suspended by your ankles in a full-body rubber straight jacket, your life is about to get a whole lot better. If not, things are probably about to get worse.

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"The hood is breathable but can restrict some airflow."

This gruesome looking thing may or may not be designed to make the average man look as though his crotch is being attacked by an afro'd manta ray. It's hard to say, really.

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"There are 9 different hair colors and 5 different hairstyles to choose from."

Ian is currently recovering from the trauma of researching this article over at www.ScenicAnemia.com.

For further terror from the world of sex, check out 5 Ridiculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes. Or find out about some people who just couldn't find what they needed from the sex toy industry, in The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With.

And to wipe the horror from your eyes, stop on by Cracked.com's Top Picks.