The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys

Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can't get from molesting a damp slice of bread. Things like these ...

This thing actually exists and as such, we feel soiled. And at most, 5 percent turned on, but that's pushing it.

Fun Website Quote:

"Make 'em squeal loud and hard with their new black pig tail butt plug! It doesn't get much more humiliating than this."

The inflatable doll market is saturated with all manner of nearly identical, buoyant and boring rubbery women. However, every so often a visionary appears to make a new and exciting love doll, the kind that renews our passion for the loneliest, most pathetic form of self gratification known to man.

Fun Website Quote:

"Its pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supple breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy."

We're not saying we know everything there is to know about sex, though we have spent a lot of time, uh, reading about it. But in none of our experience have we happened upon a case when bagging someone up like a Christmas tree on its way to the dump was a way to initiate coitus.

Fun Website Quote:

"This total body sack is so comfortable, I could spend an entire night in it."

What man isn't convinced that only the portal to the underworld itself (in this case, fabricated from rubber) can hold back his manhood? Probably quite a few men aren't convinced of that, actually. But for the rest, thankfully, the Rubber Gates of Hell penis harness was created. The exact purpose of this device was lost with its creator, Dr. Arnold Crazy-Fuck, but the thrill of rubber rings and little metal rivets on your junk lives on!

Fun Website Quote:

"Corral your stallion with these slightly stretchy rings designed to please and tease."

This was obviously made to be sensationalistic, probably by someone thinking a massive protest would rev up sales. Or, they were trying to make some kind of deeply personal statement about the flaws of organized religion. But either way, it's a Baby Jesus butt plug.

Fun Website Quote:

"Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."

We're pretty certain neither Houdini nor his estate have anything to do with this. While the great escape artist was known for being able to free himself from some pretty tight squeezes, the odds are his wang didn't have its on road show where it did the same thing.

Nonetheless this product exists, apparently for the sole purpose of slapping what appears to be roughly 10 pounds of leftover steel plumbing bits to your unit, just so you can't fiddle with it.

Fun Website Quote:

"The tubular steel design makes it impossible to masturbate with this in place and the ratcheting cuff makes sure it stays put until the keymaster is in the mood to release you."

Breast enhancement is nothing new in our world, but if you look closely at this picture using your keen detective skills, you may notice something is amiss. Indeed, these appear to be some sort of strap-on boobies for men. Because what's the fun of putting on grandma's support hose and her best Sunday dress if you don't have the jugs to match?

Fun Website Quote:

"Upright and firm, you can squeeze them and feel them--they feel real!"

There was a scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler is talking to a kid when he first gets to high school and the kid says "I was a loser in denial too. Until the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass." Remember that? So did the designers of this toy. But unlike you, they thought it was an awesome idea.

Fun Website Quote:

"The funky, contemporary style means it doesn't need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer."

Sex toys are often sold under the guise of bringing couples together and based on experiences we've repressed from summer camp in our teen years, we feel confident saying that few things get you closer to another human than an anal speculum.

Fun Website Quote:

"Perfect for ... medical/clinic scenes for the sadistic proctologist."

Sometimes you get to the point where the standard human dong just doesn't do it for you, no matter how unrealistic the proportions. For those people, the caring deviants in the fake dong industry put their skills to work in making a dildo modeled after the junk of an orca whale.

An orca whale.

Fun Website Quote:

"it is over 15 (inches) without the base"

Did you happen to have a Space Hopper when you were a kid? And were you hoping someone could make your childhood memories of that toy disturbed and traumatic? Today is your lucky day.

This delightful little inflatable foot stool is designed with a flat bottom, so no more falling down and breaking bones then having to call the EMTs and explain you were just dusting when you slipped and somehow got this jammed in your nether regions.

Fun Website Quote:

"... try controlling your wild, bucking passion!"

As best we can tell, this must be some kind of boxing glove (they must call it "fisting" in Europe). But why would this be in a catalog of sex toys? And why does the "mitten" go all the way up to her shoulder-OH SHIT.

Fun Website Quote:

"Use plenty of latex safe silicone lubricant when using this and don't forget to use some to shine your fisting glove like I have here."