Grab your tuxedo and giant novelty ribbon cutting scissors because the comedy hall of fame is inducting 14 new golden jokes. Read these, memorize them and pretend you made them up later on, to impress strangers at a party. We won't tell. Here are 14 more jokes that bleed comedy purity.

Zarna Garg

Zarna Garg stand up

Zarna Garg Instagram

On Her Husband:

“By the way, we’ve never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity.”

Dan Cummins

Dan cummin


“Somebody once told me if you have to buy something embarrassing, just don’t buy that thing alone. Buy a couple more things and it doesn’t look weird in a group. Not necessarily true. When I added dog treats, sleeping pills and lotion to condoms… If you’re still waiting for the punchline, why are you here?”

Luckily the store did not sell “How To Have Sex With A Dog: For Dummies”

Eugene Mirman’s Obvious Billboards

Eugene Mirman Obvious Billboards

Comedy Central

 “There's this billboard in my neighborhood that said 'Don't leave a baby anywhere.' Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street… but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have.”

“Don’t crap in an envelope and mail it to yourself.”

“Try not to wake up on fire.”

“Don’t throw a baby at anything. Even a burglar!”

“Do not threaten to steal a cops penis”

“If you start a band, don’t call it ‘Huey Lewis and the News.’ There is already a band with that name.”

Mike Birbiglia

“I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, ‘Do you guys hate me?’"

Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with “I forgot what I was going to say.”

Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin


“Last summer I was at a party and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.”

Never pee in between pools either.

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Top Image: - Guy Viau


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