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There are lazy jokes. There are even some straight up stolen jokes. Not these jokes. These classic gems are our most recent nominations for induction into The Comedy Hall Of Fame.

 

Chris Rock stand-up

HBO

“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.”

In a hilarious piece of social commentary, this joke on his 1999 special, “Bigger & Blacker” came just a few months after the Columbine shooting, and a recent spike in nationwide gun violence.

 

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro stand-up

Comedy Central

"I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”

That age old equation of Comedy = Tragedy + Time.

 

George Carlin

George Carlin stand-up

HBO

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

Imagining lighting shuffling itself into an organized little stream for our Vitamix is just fun (and smart).

 

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald stand-up

WarnerMedia

“I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life."

Thirty minutes?! Damn… Norm’s dad was something.

 

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford stand-up

Comedy Central

“I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.”

A calculator for hypotheticals… I’ll take two!

 

Steven Wright

Steven Wright stand-up

ICM Partners

"I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."

Neil deGrasse Tyson would be proud.

 

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes stand-up

Comedy Central

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

Good boy.

 

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield stand-up

NBC Universal

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

Hopefully there were some sweet tunes on that radio.

 

Bill Burr

Bill Burr stand-up

Netflix

“Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? Dude, have you ever been dead? No. So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest f*cking idea what you’re talking about.”

Yeah, Aunt Diane! Now, please pass the stuffing!

 

Ali Wong

Ali Wong stand-up

Netflix

"If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me "courageous" for doing it."

So brave.

 

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg stand-up

WarnerMedia

“I like vending machines... because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential.”

Isaac Newton would agree.

 

Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer stand-up

NBC Universal

“I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.”

Guys… Totally got laid last night. By who? It's not important.

 

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks stand-up

ICM Partners

"People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?“

From his 1993 album (eerily titled) “Revelations” one year before he passed away.

 

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle stand-up

Netflix

“Terrorists don’t take black hostages. I have yet to see one of us on the news, reading a hostage letter. ‘Umm… They is treatin’ us good. Uh, we all chillin’ and sh!t. I’d like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and Big Steve and them. Send some Newports.”

It’s always some Chad or Karen… Actually Karen’s probably a bad bargaining chip now.

 

Bob Saget

Bob Saget stand-up

Comedy Central

"I told my girlfriend. Tonight when I come home, I wanna make love to you badly, and she said, ‘At least you don’t overestimate yourself.”

Just a quick one. The joke. The joke was a quick one. Thanks, Bob - RIP.

Top image: Netflix

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