The strange fact is that what we call history is made of many tales, told by many people–not just a single author. We are absolutely absorbed with history, burdened by its weight but endlessly fascinated by its ramifications. We erect monuments to remember the past as well as mausoleums to honor our ancestors. Like the artists of painting and sculpture, the chronology of comedy is characterized by its artists. 

For today and subsequent generations, the history of comedy is a long and interesting one. If there was a comedy hall of fame (metaphorically speaking, though we're sure the one in Florida is lovely) we wanted to explore the jokes that absolutely belong in there. Of course Bill Hicks made the list with an epic burn on his own pops. Of course we couldn't call ourselves a self respecting comedy website without something from Mitch Hedburg.

Are you ready for some timeless classics? Want to know more? Keep scrolling down for more jokes that still land.

 

Bill Hicks

COMEDY NERD CD I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?' Bill Hicks

 Tiger Aspect Productions

Mitch Hedberg

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg

Team Coco

Patton Oswalt

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice? Patton Oswalt

Comedy Central

Nikki Glaser

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I have a crush on this guy who's totally marriage material. Because he's married. Nikki Glaser

Comedy Central

Nate Bergatze

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious. Nate Bergatze

Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Margaret Cho

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM If you get into an argument with a vegan, say I'm wrong and run away as fast as you can. Do not f*** with vegans because they will f*** you up. BECAUSE THEY ARE HUNGRY. Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho Official

Tig Notaro

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, Do not go in there. Tig Notaro

Team Coco

Kevin Hart

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I don't have exes. I have Y's. Like Y the hell did I date you? Keven Hart

Comedy Central

Joan Rivers

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

QVCtv

Jimmy O. Yang

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there's so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. Jimmy О. Yang

Laugh Society

Joyelle Nicole Johnson

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM This is how petty I am. Me and my roommate are fighting right now and when I left the house, I took the Amazon Fire Stick. Joyelle Nicole Johnson

Comedy Central

Jim Gaffigan

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. Jim Gaffigan

Comedy Central

Bo Burnham

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy. Во Burnham

Comedy Central

Bob Newhart

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.' Bob Newhart

NBC

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