By now the parents of Nazareth were understandably upset: Jesus was walking around town ruining little kids like a bad divorce. So they gave Joseph an ultimatum: Either Jesus learns to use his powers for good, or the family has to leave town. Considering that, by this point, Jesus has killed more kids than a Willy Wonka tour group, that sounded pretty reasonable. But Christ ain't tolerating no narcs up in yore:
Jesus said, "I know that these thy words are not thine: nevertheless for thy sake I will hold my peace: but they shall bear their punishment." And straightway they that accused him were smitten with blindness.
-- Infancy Gospel of Thomas 5:1
At some point, he reversed his stance on blindness.
And that was the last straw: Joseph finally decided to discipline his son. But what do you do in response to a list of crimes more befitting a Grand Theft Auto sequel than a holy child? Grounding? Caning? Imprisonment?
None of the above.
Joseph "grabbed [Jesus'] ear" and "wrung it til it was sore." You may laugh, but in the end Jesus does end up uncursing everybody; just not out of some well-deserved sense of remorse or the slightest hint of empathy or anything. Eventually, a local teacher starts frantically screaming to everybody that Jesus Christ is probably God, after a Good Will Hunting-style display of intelligence at his Nazareth grade school. (Funny, you'd think the boy's ability to kill with words would have clued everyone in sooner.)
So now that the secret's out (the kid laying siege to entire countries with his superpowers is-- surprise -- extraordinary), Jesus figures he may as well reverse all the death and destruction because, hey, once you get your propers, there's just no reason to blast them bitches no more.
We guess they just give halos out to anyone these days.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be that Jesus Christ wasn't born the Gandhi-like paragon of peace you know him as. He's more like a reformed con: sick of the game because he lived it too hard for too long.
If there are two things that you take away from this, let the second be that the power of Christ is terrifying. Sure, miracles like bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that's just because the church decided that the part where Jesus became the snake-melting dragonmaster was a little too terrifying for your delicate sensibilities. You straight up can't handle that much Jesus.
We haven't even gotten into his vampire days.
To read 17 more brand new Cracked articles, order the book, and be the first of your friends to have a version of Cracked.com that can be used as a weapon!
For more biblical awesomeness, check out The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses and The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible).
And stop by Linkstorm to see Jesus fighting dinosaurs while riding atop a timber wolf.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!