The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible)

What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway.

Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto"). But once you get past the unimaginative verbs, the Bible has some nasty, nasty stories. Such as:

Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36:

Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--you've probably also done it tangled in Fruit By The Foot or by accident with a vegetable.

"Say, I've got a neat idea."

They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. Or maybe they just thought that a world populated by exponentially degenerative DNA sounded funny. To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today.

To Make it Even Weirder...

Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time?

In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead:

Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party.

The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution).

However, in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English), Rachel taught Leah the signal, and she used it to double-double cross Jacob, fucking him in every possible meaning of the word.

After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, was named after "hidden beauty," or "butterface."

Leah (left) with sister Rachel.

To Make it Even Weirder...

If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs?

"And some sheep, too, why not?"

Painting by Amy L. Rawson.

If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10:

Onan's the one in the background, walking away to go masturbate behind those rocks.

Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward.

This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan."

To Make it Even Weirder...

This story became the basis for Christian arguments against masturbation. The story does not address the counter-argument: what if God has no righteous purpose for your semen that particular day, and you're just bored?

God: Hard on Masturbation.

But more importantly, what about women? They don't have seeds to spill at their whimsy. Yet female masturbation never come up in the thousand or so pages in which he rambles about everything from having almonds in your diet to how he owns an awesome robe. Surely a fair God who loves all his children equally wouldn't allow women to masturbate and not men!

Or we could just point out that if God killed everyone who masturbated, Japan would have ceased to exist sometime in 2005.