Register
Home > History > The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

By David Wong, Owen Ball November 28, 2007 1,931,138 views
article image

If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now.

It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword.

#9.
Exodus 2:11-12

Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher--a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.

You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."


Moses, seen here, is about to murder the hell out of an unsuspecting Egyptian.

Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world.

#8.
II Kings 2:23-24

We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them.

Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.


Every year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children.

It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored.

#7.
Ezekiel 23:19-20

Contrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile.

Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs."

The old Egyptians didn't exactly run from their reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that's an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair."

This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you've read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses' deadly intervention all the more justified.

Recommended for Your Pleasure

800 Comments

@ GalahadPC: I actually found a manga-style graphic novel version of the Bible at a Christian book store.

6/28/2009 3:22:49 PM
Gundamsandzords

watch some sexy kick ass sexy girl

http://watchcelebrity.com/sexy_girl_car.html

6/25/2009 9:43:14 AM
joepaper

This semester in Old Testament studies, my teacher studiously covered each and every one of the exerps from this list.

6/11/2009 7:35:35 PM
Quesoformagio

This is the funniest goddam thing I've read in ages. thank you, thank you, thank you.

6/10/2009 11:13:45 PM
malsch

FelixOfFlynn: The Palestinians aren't the Philistines; it's a common mistake. It's just that when the Romans conquered Cana'an/Israel/Palestine/whatever they named it Palestina after the Philistines already living there, and then when large groups from the neighbouring (that's right, British spelling) countries came along, they named themselves after the country. The original Philistines died out, probably from having their penises destroyed by people like David up there.

On the subject of which, the reason David was meant to bring back foreskins as proof of the slaying was that most of the nations in the area (including the Israelites, obviously) practiced ritual circumcisions, but the Philistines didn't. So the Israelites presumably thought that they were way too proud of their wangs. Or something.

6/9/2009 11:16:36 AM
JekalMan

Hey, this article is so great, I've made a sequel. I hope you like it. :)

http://www.jollyheathen.com/2009/06/5-more-badass-bible-verses.html

6/4/2009 6:14:57 PM
jollyheathen

this is to much.. i found this to be funny and so true.. lightn up ppl.. doesnt your "good book" tell ya to turn the other cheek?? hehehehehe

5/12/2009 7:59:51 AM
ScratchOutGirl

I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that the Philistines, though their name has changed a little today are the Palestinians. So basically a many of the problems in the world today are caused the long tradition that the Jews and Philistines/Palestinians have of killing each other.

5/3/2009 6:31:17 AM
FelixOflynn

FishBulb: There is a manga Bible. There are some animation shows, but they're mostly not badass. Except that one where David looked like Ryu. I kid you not.

4/6/2009 2:17:14 AM
BATZARRO

This post really opened my eyes the the Badassness present in the bible. I would like to help others find this and would like to try to Certify this as Bad ass. Please check here: http://www.certifiedbadass.com/story.php?title=badassness-in-the-bible-1 to see if it's been certified or to cast your vote. Alternatively type: Certified Badass, into Google and click "I'm Feeling lucky" to see whats currently certified. I hope this post makes it top the top.

4/5/2009 6:03:18 PM
CertifiedBadass

blondchik, 10 bucks says you treat the Qu'ran, the Mahabrhata, the Analects, and the Parables of Siddartha as 'just a book'.

And also, people don't 'choose sin'. It's just that people have a little thing called self-preservation instincts, and having sex, and taking food, and knowing when to back out is part of that.

Seriously, Jesus wasn't even his real name. Don't have a cow, man.

4/1/2009 10:00:30 PM
TheLordOfDance

i can't remember a time that pre-dates the time i began reading blondchik's post

3/31/2009 11:54:59 AM
mikeleighb

Hilarious! I was inspired to write my own for "The Book of Mormon":

http://www.imbusyliving.net/2009/03/9-badass-book-of-mormon-stories.html

3/24/2009 9:02:31 PM
yuukanna

I will start off by saying that I am Roman Catholic and have gone to catholic school my entire life. That said, I thought this article was AWESOME! I haven't laughed that hard in forever! (I too thought Samson was a badass after we read about him beating the Phillistines with a jawbone during ethics)

3/20/2009 8:03:33 PM
mefco

I thought this article was the funniest thing I'd ever read, until blondchik9689 typed "Song of Salmon" in pages-long rebuke of your Biblically-inspired puns. Now THAT was classic.

3/20/2009 1:35:55 PM
skatoolaki

I'm a pretty serious christ follower but I found this article--and almost all articles on this site--pretty freaking hilarious.

I mean, this is a comedy website. everything doesn't have to be taken seriously!

3/20/2009 8:18:03 AM
yesbutnotyou

I'm a Christian, and find this absolutely hilarious.

PLEASE know that some of us have a sense of humour... there's seriously nothing offensive in this article at all.

3/19/2009 3:05:15 AM
roeas29

lmarsh84 has got it sopt-on

3/18/2009 4:02:57 PM
blobble

Crucifixion's a doddle.

3/18/2009 11:17:44 AM
FishBulb

What I love about this article was that whether you believe in the truth of the Bible or not, you have to admit - it's freaking epic reading. The fact that it's at least semi-historical, set in a time and place that was pretty much kill or be killed, just makes it more insane.

And if you think there's nothing badass in the New Testament, consider Jesus, nailed to a couple planks and still forgiving his killers and a thief next to him. He's busy suffering one of the most torturous deaths ever devised by human ingenuity and he's STILL trying to save everybody. Also, the whole book of Revelation.

Seriously, why hasn't there been an anime made of Bible adaptations yet?

3/15/2009 8:35:26 AM
GalahadPC

More on History

Fark Logo
Recent Videos

Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.