The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
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If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now. It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword. #9.
Exodus 2:11-12
Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher--a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."
Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world. #8.
II Kings 2:23-24
We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them. Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.
It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored. #7.
Ezekiel 23:19-20
Contrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile.
Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs."
This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you've read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses' deadly intervention all the more justified. |
The old Egyptians didn't exactly run from their reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that's an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair."
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You don't need to describe the Bible and our almighty father, and Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with such obscene and completely inappropriate disrespectful language. We will pray for you. Maybe you should look deep into your hearts and allow God in, because you have not accepted him into your life as shows your lack of respect for his word for he gave his only son to die on the cross for the sins that you just used to discribe the Bible.
Well, this actually shows that sometimes a person who believes in God also has to do badass things.
you left out Moses and the priests getting baked in "pillars" of smoke, so much so, that they saw a being that they thought was God:
1. As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the LORD spoke with Moses.... the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
2. When the priests withdrew from the Holy Place, the cloud filled the temple of the LORD. And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled his temple.
Anyone here know Nebuchadnezzar's tower? If you get into the dimensions, you find out that it's actually a giant wang.
you know I have been an Atheist for a long time but from now on I can't help but go with the religion that has banned the grabbing of another junk!
I am officially converted.
To bad that Ezekiel 25:17 was made up for Pulp Fiction. It's not the real Ezekiel 25:17.
I was simply shocked to not find Ezekiel 25:17 here
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
-God
I can't believe I'm the first to comment on this bit considering how long this article's been here, but here goes:
Sure, ONE person has noticed that that's indeed Solid Snake from MGS in the photo of Moses, not Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher. But the double-whammy is... What's the name of that place where Metal Gear Solid takes place again? Shadow... Shadow *something* Island... Right? *gasp!*
It's true, the Bible has a phenomenal amount of ass-kicking. It's not just Jesus petting lambs. Just google "David's Mighty Men" or read 2 Samuel 23. They're even making a movie about it
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. I'm also a Christian, and I don't see anything wrong with this at all. Omg, my sides hurt so bad. "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair" LMAO.
I can't read anymore - I'm in pain! TOO FREAKING FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
@ GalahadPC: I actually found a manga-style graphic novel version of the Bible at a Christian book store.
watch some sexy kick ass sexy girl
http://watchcelebrity.com/sexy_girl_car.html
joepaperThis semester in Old Testament studies, my teacher studiously covered each and every one of the exerps from this list.
This is the funniest goddam thing I've read in ages. thank you, thank you, thank you.
FelixOfFlynn: The Palestinians aren't the Philistines; it's a common mistake. It's just that when the Romans conquered Cana'an/Israel/Palestine/whatever they named it Palestina after the Philistines already living there, and then when large groups from the neighbouring (that's right, British spelling) countries came along, they named themselves after the country. The original Philistines died out, probably from having their penises destroyed by people like David up there.
On the subject of which, the reason David was meant to bring back foreskins as proof of the slaying was that most of the nations in the area (including the Israelites, obviously) practiced ritual circumcisions, but the Philistines didn't. So the Israelites presumably thought that they were way too proud of their wangs. Or something.
Hey, this article is so great, I've made a sequel. I hope you like it. :)
http://www.jollyheathen.com/2009/06/5-more-badass-bible-verses.html
this is to much.. i found this to be funny and so true.. lightn up ppl.. doesnt your "good book" tell ya to turn the other cheek?? hehehehehe
I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that the Philistines, though their name has changed a little today are the Palestinians. So basically a many of the problems in the world today are caused the long tradition that the Jews and Philistines/Palestinians have of killing each other.
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You know, I gotta wonder how many more converts (or at least admirers) we'd get when people realize how utterly badass many of our saints and heroes are, rather than acting like they're something to be ashamed of. Turn the other check first, but then you turn the right hook.
That nice Jewish carpenter boy? Yeah, he pretty much tore hell a new one, and at Armageddon he looks a lot more like a blood stained avenger than emaciated skinny guy. Lawful Good does not mean niceness to evil.