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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

By David Wong, Owen Ball
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If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now.

It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword.

#9.
Exodus 2:11-12

Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher--a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.

You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."


Moses, seen here, is about to murder the hell out of an unsuspecting Egyptian.

Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world.

#8.
II Kings 2:23-24

We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them.

Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.


Every year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children.

It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored.

#7.
Ezekiel 23:19-20

Contrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile.

Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs."

The old Egyptians didn't exactly run from their reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that's an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair."

This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you've read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses' deadly intervention all the more justified.


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688 Comments

Me too... this is just ingenious.

Posted on 5/7/2008 8:05:15 PM

I keep coming back to this post. Possibly the best list on cracked. I remember reading a few of these, and laughing with myself, but i cried when I read this article. I cried.

Posted on 4/17/2008 9:22:26 AM

just had to comment on all this. being a (non-Catholic) product of a Catholic university and a theology major, this is probably some of the funniest stuff i've read on the Bible in a long time...even funnier than the look on the faces of my classmates when i told them i didn't think Mary was really a virgin :)

Posted on 4/15/2008 3:31:47 PM

hey, i want anyone who reads this comment to go to http://www.eternalchoice.com/ and sign the guest book! this site is one of the more enraging christian "i'm gonna make you feel guilty as hell for defying the will of the almighty big-donged god" sites ive come across. i left one of the most recent comments. and i assume my view and reasoning on evolution is going to make him flip his lid. even better if someone else, or a lot of other people join in!

Posted on 4/13/2008 7:29:42 PM

"And i shall cut off from Adahn that which pisseth against the wall" - god There was more to this quote but i cant remember the rest, i was bored and randomly opened the bible a few years back and this i what i got.

Posted on 4/10/2008 1:37:51 PM

you should have seen the face on my priest when I read big cock bastards quote!! I go to this bible study sessions and this quote really pissed people up jajaja LATERS!

Posted on 4/8/2008 9:48:43 PM

Just for fun, I am going to forward this to a friend of mine in Hebrew school. He will probably have a stroke. It proves one thing though, God must have a sense of humor (the three stooges kind). Not only that, but the question must be asked, not only that, but WTF is up with collecting TWICE the number of foreskins required. I mean, if the God of the Universe wanted me to collect a foreskin bounty, that would be creepy enough, but to double the number? WTF?

Posted on 4/8/2008 9:29:42 PM

Actually, it most likely wasn't water. Just because somebody later wrote that it was a lot of water doesn't necessarily make it so. It was probably white wine, or something else that was flammable and a clear liquid.

Posted on 4/8/2008 9:13:57 AM

Another point to remember about when Elijah challenged the Baal prophets, he was taunting them for the twelve hours they were BEATING and CUTTING themselves trying to get Baal to rain fire down from Heaven. Taunts like, "Maybe he is in the bathroom. Try harder!" Also, he filled ten massive jars, estimated at around thirty gallons, with water, poured them over his sacrifice, and repeated this ten times. The trench was about two feet deep and ran around the entire altar, which was large enough to lay a full-grown bull on top of. The trenches were overflowing with the water, and the fires made it bone-dry.

Posted on 4/4/2008 8:51:48 PM

Dostoyevskiy

"John McClane" - rather remember Raskolnikov from my "Crime and Punishment" who consealed an axe under his coat

Posted on 3/24/2008 5:19:03 AM

zussmann

actually, theres a reason for the entire Judges 3:16-23. the didnt notice the sword because ehud had been missing his right hand. the gaurds didnt see him as a threat and therfore let him in. and seeing as the dude from assasins creed only has 9 fingers comparing them makes even more sence. hope I helpd

Posted on 3/23/2008 2:00:32 PM

they forgot Psalm 137: "Happy are those who seize thy babies and smash them upon the rocks"

Posted on 3/21/2008 4:19:01 PM

Yhwh

You forgot one: Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I will repay.

Posted on 3/14/2008 5:02:17 PM

Chim Richalds

Just guessing... you guys need some sort of spam protection (enter this word in the black box, etc.) for your comments...

Posted on 3/13/2008 12:40:40 PM

Greg

The verse that Sam Jackson is famous for is SLIGHTLY exaggerated. The following is every last bit of Ezekiel 25:17 - "I will carry out great vengeance on them and punish them in my wrath. Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I take vengeance on them.'"

Posted on 3/6/2008 7:08:18 PM

mothaf*#$&n snakes

What About Ezekiel 25 17? Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction

Posted on 3/6/2008 3:16:42 PM

nigeypie

cutting womens hand off when they grab the junk...I almost cried laughing at that one! Thanks for making work so much more bearable cracked:)

Posted on 3/5/2008 5:55:06 AM

վŻ

רҵվŻվŻ.վƹ㷽Ҫ,վƹ,Ż,Żƹ,Ż̳,seo,seo,վؼseo,վŻ

Posted on 2/25/2008 9:00:36 AM

if you google badass this article is the first thing to pop up.

Posted on 2/22/2008 12:21:25 AM

mh169

i love it when people spell cool "kewl". its so edgy and original

Posted on 2/11/2008 11:50:36 AM

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