John Mulaney

John Mulaney

Comedy Central

Ooh, you know stuff. Good job.

“Get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford

Comedy Central

What? You still think he’s some bearded white man in the clouds?

"I hope nobody here is deeply religious. If so, rest in the glory that I'm wrong. I believe in God, i just think he's a 13-foot-tall wizard living a dark mountain who won't let me win.”

Don Rickles

I wonder what he had stored up in that head of his.

“I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.”

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes

Comedy Central

Like a public service. Not some rich dude’s ego stroking.

“To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, ‘I’m Secretary of State next month!’”

Margaret Cho

Some significant others just don’t hold up their end of the bargain.

“The last guy I went out with, he was just so -- I don't know -- hopeless. He said if I broke up with him that he would kill himself. And I broke up with him, but he's not dead yet. I want to call him up and be like, 'You know, what's the deal? I thought we had an agreement.’”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Warner Media

While I’m here… Hit me.

“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.”

Joan Rivers

They can dress it up with Lulu Lemons and air pods all they want but…

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald

Warner Media

This is cup half-empty and half-full at the same time.

“I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t affect my lifestyle a bit really.”

This is the exact reason I wanted this job.

“You’re sittin’ at your computer working on something really important. And then you think, ‘Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1.’ I Gotta look into this. NOW!”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

ICM Partners

These one-liners just tickle me.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

Neil Brennan

Kyle… You’re gonna need to rethink your proposal.

“If they called student loans small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan. It’s a bad idea for a business. If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk, and ask, “I’m gonna need $150,000.” They’d be, like, “What’s your business idea?” “Here’s the idea: For the next four years,” I’m going to get black-out drunk. But also… “I’m gonna get a degree in Sociology.”

They’d be, like, “Get the fuck out of our bank.” You’re, like, “I will, but I did have a way to pay you guys back.” I was gonna give you $80 a month for the next 240 years.”

Leslie Jones

They weren’t really on the same page.

I just broke up with somebody… Well, it wasn’t really a break-up. It was a booty call I might’ve took too serious.”

Janeane Garofalo

Janeane Garofalo

Geoff Carter/Wikimedia Commons

They thought they got away with some gold.

“I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two dudes bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.”

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