It's a given that nobody watches television commercials expecting to receive a heaping dose of reality. Television is television, be it a sitcom or an ad for Popeye's Chicken. It's not always going to make sense or depict a situation that a normal person could relate to. And that's fine, I really don't care if the Geico Caveman gets to suit up with the Washington Redskins or not, I just want someone to fix my shit if I'm in a car accident. Absurdity like that I can deal with.
As long as I ignore it REALLY hard.
But not all commercials take the full-on ridiculous route to hock their wares. Some companies prefer to toe the line by selling their product based on the idea that it will somehow come in handy in a situation that could totally happen to you. But the truth is, the situation they're depicting would never happen and, if it did, their shitty food would be the last thing you'd turn to in order to remedy things. Here are a few examples ...
#6. Fast Food as Party Treat
We've all been there. You're en route to a friend's party when you remember that you were supposed to bring something. So what do you do? Grab a bag of ice and some chips from the nearest liquor store and call it good? Sure, that's a great idea, provided you don't mind being the asshole of the party. As the following Taco Bell commercial clearly shows, the only solution to the ages-old problem of what to bring to a party is, of course, fast food tacos. Let that marinate for a second. Have you ever been to a single party where a dude strolled through the door clutching a bag of fast food to the delight of everyone in attendance? Probably not, but corporate America would have you believe it happens constantly.
Often with terrifying results.
But no commercial tries to sell this dream harder than the aforementioned Taco Bell ad, so let's examine a few of the problems with their claim. We'll start with these two sad sacks ...
If you let Taco Bell tell it, these are the two laziest pieces of shit a person could ever make the mistake of inviting to a shindig. After all, who would need ice at a party? What, are people going to be drinking or something? Everyone knows alcohol is only socially acceptable when you sneak it into your child's bullshit piano recital to fend off the soul-crushing boredom. And chips? At a party? Since when? No, if you really want to bring the house down, you invite this guy ...
Why? Because he's the kind of guy who thinks, "What should I bring to this gathering of approximately 40 people?" and immediately responds to himself with a self-assured "Duh, 12 tacos!" And, you know, people respect that kind of moxie. Some even respect it in a "Let's bone" kind of way, apparently.
But the absurdity doesn't end there. Can you guess what mystery dish this fool is showing off, much to the dismay of the smokeshow to his immediate left (your right)?
It's seven-layer dip, and if Taco Bell is to be believed, nobody could possibly be a big enough cock to bring such a shitty treat to a social gathering. But here's the thing ...Taco Bell freaking sells a seven-layer dip. Or at least they used to. I'm guessing they stopped when they realized they weren't getting invited to all the good parties anymore.
#5. Finding Happiness in a Can of Soup
Are you unhappy with your station in life? Does the stress and strain of surviving this battle we call existence often get you down in the dumps? Do you want to kill yourself right now? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it's probably because you're not eating enough soup. Don't take my word for it, though, let the makers of Campbell's soup explain: If for some crazy reason you don't want to take time out of your busy day to watch a soup commercial, don't worry, I can summarize it for you with one sentence: Canned soup will make you unspeakably happy. For the record, that's not something that's being subtly implied here. They just straight up say that, if every other path to happiness has been obstructed by the obstacles of life, maybe it's time to crack open a can of Chunky and let it be your guide on the road to contentment. Or, if you prefer a direct quote, here you go (with pics!):
"How are you getting to a happier place? Running there?"
"How about eating soup to get there?"
Well, how about it? Have you at least tried eating some soup, you sad, sorry waste of an existence? If by some weird twist of fate you have tried downing a huge can of country style vegetables and beef to turn your frown upside down, did it work? No, of course it didn't work. For one thing, a quick scan of any soup label will make one thing perfectly clear: There is not a single mood-altering ingredient to be found.
If there were, it would say "vodka" somewhere.
But an even more damaging blow to Campbell's claims of the abundant happiness that awaits all who can stomach a can of fajita chicken and rice is this one simple fact ... there is no sadder meal a person can eat than a can of soup. Never in the history of ever has a happy couple or family gathered around the dinner table to throw down on a can of soup. Sure, you might pour a little cream of mushroom over some chicken or whatever, but make no mistake, if dinner is a can of soup, you are lonely. People don't eat a can of soup to flood their soul with an overwhelming sense of contentment. People eat a can of soup so they don't vomit up the bottle of pills they're hoping will finally carry them away to a better place.
#4. The Delivery or DiGiorno Mystery
Hey, April Fool's Day is right around the corner (provided you're reading this sometime in late March), have you thought about what kind of tomfoolery you're going to pull on your roommate this year? If not, the fine folks at DiGiorno have you covered. The ploy is called the "DiGiorno scam," and it works like this: Step One
First, bake up that DiGiorno that's been sitting in your freezer for over a week now. You should recognize it as the same goddamn pizza you buy every time you go to the grocery store. Your roommate, on the other hand, should not recognize it as such. If he does, this will fail. But remember, fortune favors the bold. And right now, you need to be bold enough to attempt the lamest swindle in the history of grifting. Once the pizza is done, wait patiently for your roommate to arrive home. When he walks through the door, he should immediately declare that the pizza you're eating is "delivery pizza." If he doesn't, fucking knock him out. Step Two
Fortunately for Mr. Gullible, he's fallen for the ploy so far and does not need to be punched. He does, however, need to be taken advantage of. Do this once he starts waving cash around and offering to pay for the pizza you've clearly already paid for because it's "his turn to pay." If you've ever lived with a roommate, you know this is exactly how things will unfold. Step Three
Once you have the cash, start piling on additional fees. Doorbell-ringing fees. Cheese-pulling fees. Activation fees. Whatever works. This lunkhead isn't going to know any better. Step Four
Sit back and marvel at all the ill-gotten cash that has suddenly come your way. And that's all there is to it, say the geniuses at DiGiorno! But let's be realistic here. There is exactly one way the "Is this delivery?" conversation will ever end.
Honestly, if you're asking questions this dumb, that's the exact reply you deserve.