It's a given that nobody watches television commercials expecting to receive a heaping dose of reality. Television is television, be it a sitcom or an ad for Popeye's Chicken. It's not always going to make sense or depict a situation that a normal person could relate to. And that's fine, I really don't care if the Geico Caveman gets to suit up with the Washington Redskins or not, I just want someone to fix my shit if I'm in a car accident. Absurdity like that I can deal with.
As long as I ignore it REALLY hard.
But not all commercials take the full-on ridiculous route to hock their wares. Some companies prefer to toe the line by selling their product based on the idea that it will somehow come in handy in a situation that could
totally happen to you
. But the truth is, the situation they're depicting would never happen and, if it did, their shitty food would be the last thing you'd turn to in order to remedy things. Here are a few examples ...
Fast Food as Party Treat
We've all been there. You're en route to a friend's party when you remember that you were supposed to bring something. So what do you do? Grab a bag of ice and some chips from the nearest liquor store and call it good? Sure, that's a great idea, provided you don't mind being the asshole of the party. As the following Taco Bell commercial clearly shows, the only solution to the ages-old problem of what to bring to a party is, of course, fast food tacos.
Let that marinate for a second. Have you ever been to a single party where a dude strolled through the door clutching a bag of fast food to the delight of everyone in attendance? Probably not, but corporate America would have you believe it happens constantly.
Often with terrifying results
But no commercial tries to sell this dream harder than the aforementioned Taco Bell ad, so let's examine a few of the problems with their claim. We'll start with these two sad sacks ...
If you let Taco Bell tell it, these are the two laziest pieces of shit a person could ever make the mistake of inviting to a shindig. After all, who would need ice at a party? What, are people going to be drinking or something? Everyone knows alcohol is only socially acceptable when you sneak it into your child's bullshit piano recital to fend off the soul-crushing boredom. And chips? At a party? Since when? No, if you really want to bring the house down, you invite this guy ...
Why? Because he's the kind of guy who thinks, "What should I bring to this gathering of approximately 40 people?" and immediately responds to himself with a self-assured "Duh, 12 tacos!" And, you know, people respect that kind of moxie. Some even respect it in a "Let's bone" kind of way, apparently.
But the absurdity doesn't end there. Can you guess what mystery dish this fool is showing off, much to the dismay of the smokeshow to his immediate left (your right)?
It's seven-layer dip, and if Taco Bell is to be believed, nobody could possibly be a big enough cock to bring such a shitty treat to a social gathering. But here's the thing ...
Taco Bell freaking sells a seven-layer dip
. Or at least they used to. I'm guessing they stopped when they realized they weren't getting invited to all the good parties anymore.
Finding Happiness in a Can of Soup
Are you unhappy with your station in life? Does the stress and strain of surviving this battle we call existence often get you down in the dumps? Do you want to kill yourself right now? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it's probably because you're not eating enough soup. Don't take my word for it, though, let the makers of Campbell's soup explain:
If for some crazy reason you don't want to take time out of your busy day to watch a soup commercial, don't worry, I can summarize it for you with one sentence: Canned soup will make you unspeakably happy. For the record, that's not something that's being subtly implied here. They just straight up say that, if every other path to happiness has been obstructed by the obstacles of life, maybe it's time to crack open a can of Chunky and let it be your guide on the road to contentment. Or, if you prefer a direct quote, here you go (with pics!):
"How are you getting to a happier place? Running there?"
"Dancing there?"
"Flying there?"
"How about eating soup to get there?"
Well, how about it? Have you at least
tried eating some soup, you sad, sorry waste of an existence? If by some weird twist of fate you have tried downing a huge can of country style vegetables and beef to turn your frown upside down, did it work? No, of course it didn't work. For one thing, a quick scan of any soup label will make one thing perfectly clear: There is not a single mood-altering ingredient to be found.
If there were, it would say "vodka" somewhere.
But an even more damaging blow to Campbell's claims of the abundant happiness that awaits all who can stomach a can of fajita chicken and rice is this one simple fact ... there is no sadder meal a person can eat than a can of soup. Never in the history of ever has a happy couple or family gathered around the dinner table to throw down on a can of soup. Sure, you might pour a little cream of mushroom over some chicken or whatever, but make no mistake, if dinner is a can of soup, you are lonely. People don't eat a can of soup to flood their soul with an overwhelming sense of contentment. People eat a can of soup so they don't vomit up the bottle of pills they're hoping will finally carry them away to a better place.
The Delivery or DiGiorno Mystery
Hey, April Fool's Day is right around the corner (provided you're reading this sometime in late March), have you thought about what kind of tomfoolery you're going to pull on your roommate this year? If not, the fine folks at DiGiorno have you covered. The ploy is called the "DiGiorno scam," and it works like this:
Step One
First, bake up that DiGiorno that's been sitting in your freezer for over a week now. You should recognize it as the same goddamn pizza you buy every time you go to the grocery store. Your roommate, on the other hand, should not recognize it as such. If he does, this will fail. But remember, fortune favors the bold. And right now, you need to be bold enough to attempt the lamest swindle in the history of grifting. Once the pizza is done, wait patiently for your roommate to arrive home. When he walks through the door, he should immediately declare that the pizza you're eating is "delivery pizza." If he doesn't, fucking knock him out.
Step Two
Fortunately for Mr. Gullible, he's fallen for the ploy so far and does not need to be punched. He does, however, need to be taken advantage of. Do this once he starts waving cash around and offering to pay for the pizza you've clearly already paid for because it's "his turn to pay." If you've ever lived with a roommate, you know this is exactly how things will unfold.
Step Three
Once you have the cash, start piling on additional fees. Doorbell-ringing fees. Cheese-pulling fees. Activation fees. Whatever works. This lunkhead isn't going to know any better. Step Four
Sit back and marvel at all the ill-gotten cash that has suddenly come your way. And that's all there is to it, say the geniuses at DiGiorno! But let's be realistic here. There is exactly one way the "Is this delivery?" conversation will ever end.
Honestly, if you're asking questions this dumb, that's the exact reply you deserve.
Yogurt Parties
Do you feel like you've been here before? I don't mean here on Cracked. I mean here on Cracked reading a columnist's gripes about yogurt commercials. If this situation seems familiar to you, it's because Soren Bowie brought
this very topic up about a year ago. But if you never believe a single thing I say again, please believe the following: 1. This isn't the first time I've stolen from Soren Bowie. Like I explained to him, my 3 p.m. liquor run isn't just going to make itself. Don't leave your keys on your desk if you don't want me taking your car. 2. Dannon would still have you believe that women all across the nation are gathering together in joyous celebration of acidophilus and regular bowel movements. On those grounds, I think we're good to proceed. Now, let's talk about yogurt parties. For reasons beyond my understanding, Dannon has disabled embedding for the commercial in question. So, in lieu of watching the video, please enjoy this brief synopsis instead:
And where is this unsavory conversation taking place? At the saddest, most disgusting Christmas party ever, apparently.
I can't imagine what else you would need me to say at this point. Except, of course, to say that there's no way this conversation has ever taken place at a party, unless that party was happening inside of a nightmare.
Light Beer as the Ultimate Test of Manliness
It's time to get brutally honest here, fellas. At some point in your life, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to prove to your friends that you are, indeed, a man. If you're lucky, it will just be a matter of defending your family and property from an armed intruder or fighting a mountain lion to the death, lest it forcefully remove the life from your body. I say you will be lucky if it comes to that because the alternative, apparently, is to drink a Miller Lite. Let's cut to a commercial:
Again, if your crazy lifestyle does not permit you to spend 30 seconds watching a video, allow me to summarize the message being sent in the above commercial with one sentence: Quit being a pussy and drink a Miller Lite. For my part, I think this would be the far more harrowing test of manliness because, well, Miller Lite tastes like water that's somehow managed to rot. It's like the curdled skim milk of beer. But that's just my opinion, and it's probably not the angle the company is shooting for. Why Miller Lite actually believes their swill is capable of making a man out of you is anyone's guess. Do they think only a real man can handle the intense alcohol burn that comes with nursing a light beer? Or maybe there's some reverse psychology at work, like drinking light beer is such a pussy move that you should do it in public, all while hoping someone has the balls to give you shit for it so you have a reason to slice them with a box cutter. You know, kind of like when that rapper named Cam just up and decided to start wearing pink fur coats.
Either that, or Miller Lite legitimately believes there is something manly about drinking light beer out of a stupid "vortex bottle." And there is, but only if you break the empty bottle on the edge of a table and use it to stab your way out of a bar fight. But until I see
that
Miller Lite commercial, I'm calling bullshit on the "light beer makes you a man" argument.
Gourmet Chefs Working in Fast Food Kitchens
So here's a pickle that you're sure to never find yourself in: You want a gourmet meal prepared by an actual chef who uses expensive utensils and smacks his employees in the back of the head whenever they act up, just like on the TV. But, uh oh, you only have 99 cents in your irresponsible, barely employed pocket! Whatever will you do? If you did not immediately answer "Go to Taco Bell!" just now, I understand. Nobody would say such a stupid thing, right? Let's go to the video:
Now, I don't want to just keep beating on Taco Bell here, but I have to, because this is the most absurd premise for a television commercial ever. If you didn't watch the video, just know that Taco Bell would like you to think that their disgusting 99-cent flatbread chicken sandwich was lovingly handcrafted in a gourmet kitchen by an actual chef.
While lesser chefs look on in amazement, no less.
Have you eaten at Taco Bell? Or more importantly, have the people who made this commercial ever eaten at Taco Bell? If any person has ever dined at Taco Bell and came away from the experience feeling like they just beat the man by getting four-star-restaurant-quality food at sub dollar store prices, that person was probably raised by wolves. Even if they did call in an army of Bobby Flay types to oversee the intricate preparation that's apparently required to put chicken and cheese on a piece of flatbread, nobody is going to actually walk into a Taco Bell and order it. Why? Because ...
This
takes
too
much
time.
Listen, if this kind of prep work were really taking place in the seedy back kitchens of the nation's fast food restaurants, the type II diabetes industry would grind to a screeching halt, because nobody would have time to wait for these fancy dishes to be prepared. People bring a lot of things to fast food restaurants, patience is not one of those things. Just hearing that the fish sandwich they ordered will take four minutes to cook sends the average consumer into a convulsive fit. But we're supposed to believe that customers are waiting patiently while Taco Bell "chefs" are back there hand-dicing chicken with $500 titanium blade knives and cooking with blowtorches?
It would take a team of city planners just to deal with the miles-long drive-thru lines snaking their way through the community if this were really what went into preparing a delicious fast food dinner. But despite all of the obvious deception and other shenanigans at work here, there is one scene in this commercial that rings absolutely true with me. This one, specifically ...
Unless my vision is failing me, that flatbread is very clearly soaking wet. Ideally, it's just soaked with water. Realistically, it's probably soaked with semen. Whatever the case, I accept with 100 percent certainty that this is exactly what you should expect if you're eating at Taco Bell.
Adam Tod Brown
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