6 Absurd Situations That Only Happen In Food Commercials
It's a given that nobody watches television commercials expecting to receive a heaping dose of reality. Television is television, be it a sitcom or an ad for Popeye's Chicken. It's not always going to make sense or depict a situation that a normal person could relate to. And that's fine, I really don't care if the Geico Caveman gets to suit up with the Washington Redskins or not, I just want someone to fix my shit if I'm in a car accident. Absurdity like that I can deal with.
But not all commercials take the full-on ridiculous route to hock their wares. Some companies prefer to toe the line by selling their product based on the idea that it will somehow come in handy in a situation that could totally happen to you
. But the truth is, the situation they're depicting would never happen and, if it did, their shitty food would be the last thing you'd turn to in order to remedy things. Here are a few examples ...
As long as I ignore it REALLY hard.
Fast Food as Party TreatWe've all been there. You're en route to a friend's party when you remember that you were supposed to bring something. So what do you do? Grab a bag of ice and some chips from the nearest liquor store and call it good? Sure, that's a great idea, provided you don't mind being the asshole of the party. As the following Taco Bell commercial clearly shows, the only solution to the ages-old problem of what to bring to a party is, of course, fast food tacos.
But no commercial tries to sell this dream harder than the aforementioned Taco Bell ad, so let's examine a few of the problems with their claim. We'll start with these two sad sacks ...
If you let Taco Bell tell it, these are the two laziest pieces of shit a person could ever make the mistake of inviting to a shindig. After all, who would need ice at a party? What, are people going to be drinking or something? Everyone knows alcohol is only socially acceptable when you sneak it into your child's bullshit piano recital to fend off the soul-crushing boredom. And chips? At a party? Since when? No, if you really want to bring the house down, you invite this guy ...
Why? Because he's the kind of guy who thinks, "What should I bring to this gathering of approximately 40 people?" and immediately responds to himself with a self-assured "Duh, 12 tacos!" And, you know, people respect that kind of moxie. Some even respect it in a "Let's bone" kind of way, apparently.
But the absurdity doesn't end there. Can you guess what mystery dish this fool is showing off, much to the dismay of the smokeshow to his immediate left (your right)?
It's seven-layer dip, and if Taco Bell is to be believed, nobody could possibly be a big enough cock to bring such a shitty treat to a social gathering. But here's the thing ...
Often with terrifying results
Finding Happiness in a Can of SoupAre you unhappy with your station in life? Does the stress and strain of surviving this battle we call existence often get you down in the dumps? Do you want to kill yourself right now? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it's probably because you're not eating enough soup. Don't take my word for it, though, let the makers of Campbell's soup explain:
"How are you getting to a happier place? Running there?"
"How about eating soup to get there?"Well, how about it? Have you at least
If there were, it would say "vodka" somewhere.
The Delivery or DiGiorno MysteryHey, April Fool's Day is right around the corner (provided you're reading this sometime in late March), have you thought about what kind of tomfoolery you're going to pull on your roommate this year? If not, the fine folks at DiGiorno have you covered. The ploy is called the "DiGiorno scam," and it works like this:
Yogurt PartiesDo you feel like you've been here before? I don't mean here on Cracked. I mean here on Cracked reading a columnist's gripes about yogurt commercials. If this situation seems familiar to you, it's because Soren Bowie brought
Light Beer as the Ultimate Test of ManlinessIt's time to get brutally honest here, fellas. At some point in your life, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to prove to your friends that you are, indeed, a man. If you're lucky, it will just be a matter of defending your family and property from an armed intruder or fighting a mountain lion to the death, lest it forcefully remove the life from your body. I say you will be lucky if it comes to that because the alternative, apparently, is to drink a Miller Lite. Let's cut to a commercial:
Gourmet Chefs Working in Fast Food KitchensSo here's a pickle that you're sure to never find yourself in: You want a gourmet meal prepared by an actual chef who uses expensive utensils and smacks his employees in the back of the head whenever they act up, just like on the TV. But, uh oh, you only have 99 cents in your irresponsible, barely employed pocket! Whatever will you do? If you did not immediately answer "Go to Taco Bell!" just now, I understand. Nobody would say such a stupid thing, right? Let's go to the video:
Have you eaten at Taco Bell? Or more importantly, have the people who made this commercial ever eaten at Taco Bell? If any person has ever dined at Taco Bell and came away from the experience feeling like they just beat the man by getting four-star-restaurant-quality food at sub dollar store prices, that person was probably raised by wolves. Even if they did call in an army of Bobby Flay types to oversee the intricate preparation that's apparently required to put chicken and cheese on a piece of flatbread, nobody is going to actually walk into a Taco Bell and order it. Why? Because ...
While lesser chefs look on in amazement, no less.
time.Listen, if this kind of prep work were really taking place in the seedy back kitchens of the nation's fast food restaurants, the type II diabetes industry would grind to a screeching halt, because nobody would have time to wait for these fancy dishes to be prepared. People bring a lot of things to fast food restaurants, patience is not one of those things. Just hearing that the fish sandwich they ordered will take four minutes to cook sends the average consumer into a convulsive fit. But we're supposed to believe that customers are waiting patiently while Taco Bell "chefs" are back there hand-dicing chicken with $500 titanium blade knives and cooking with blowtorches? It would take a team of city planners just to deal with the miles-long drive-thru lines snaking their way through the community if this were really what went into preparing a delicious fast food dinner. But despite all of the obvious deception and other shenanigans at work here, there is one scene in this commercial that rings absolutely true with me. This one, specifically ... Unless my vision is failing me, that flatbread is very clearly soaking wet. Ideally, it's just soaked with water. Realistically, it's probably soaked with semen. Whatever the case, I accept with 100 percent certainty that this is exactly what you should expect if you're eating at Taco Bell.
Check out more from Adam in The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web and The Awful Truth Behind 5 Items Probably On Your Grocery List.