The 6 Most Baffling Things Every TV Ad Assumes Are True
Commercials are duplicitous. They are designed to elicit the same response from us as a burning fire; our interest level is minimal at best yet we can't tear ourselves from a constantly shifting image. Advertisers do this to protect the absurdity in every commercial, encouraging viewers to watch, but not too intently that reason might step in and say, "What the fuck is going on here?" And ordinarily, we accept it without argument the same way we accept blue raspberry as a legitimate flavor.
This Cracked writer humbly cries bullshit. Commercials have gotten away with this ridiculousness for too long. Their history of deceit is responsible for an entire alternate reality specific only to advertising, one where your friends know more than doctors and pollen genuinely wants to hurt you. The following six are the most egregious.
#6.
Only Women Eat Yogurt
In a shocking display of arrogance, yogurt companies determined at some point that half the population on the planet was no longer a suitable audience for their product. In the commercial universe, men don't eat yogurt, and in some cases, can't even see it.
"I don't understand! Where is food?"
Take a look at this.
Women on the other hand, use the curdled milk as an excuse to get together in the afternoons wearing their hooded sweatshirts and cardigans to talk about how much they fucking love yogurt. They eat it partially because it tastes like Boston cream pie and apple turnovers, and mostly because it makes them shit.
In fact, it turns out women can't defecate without yogurt. The yellow digestion balls in every woman's stomach is directionless before the cultures organize them into an arrow pointing toward the ass.
The yellow balls tasked with shit regulation have forgotten evolution! Does poop escape through the pores?
Oh, right, the butt. Thanks, Activia.
#5.
One Car on the Road Per Night
At some point auto manufacturers realized that most cars look kick-ass at night. They also must have realized that showing any other cars on the road in a commercial would only confuse the viewer, because we are, after all, retarded. The solution: pretending only one car can exist on the road at a time.
The consequence is darker than advertisers may have anticipated. The only time I drive completely empty city streets is at 4:00 in the morning after a night of bad decisions. These commercials unintentionally beg the question, why are these people up?
"'Let's meet at 4am,' you said. 'I'll be the one sitting in a parking lot, alone, doing the robot. Also there are no more cars.' And I thought you were crazy."
Logic would suggest alcohol was involved and they certainly display some of the classic symptoms, like stopping in the middle of a bridge and impulsively opening every door on the car.
Nothing weird about this.
You see it everywhere.
There's a general hint of unhappiness in every one of these ads, some aspect of these drivers' lives is still lacking and each of them is trying to fill the void with a night of driving around aimlessly. Yet they continue to make these commercials. Thanks Cadillac, but I've already got plenty of sadness saved up, I don't need to purchase yours.
#4.
Dog and Cat Food Is Delicious
Fancy Feast saves you the shame of serving your cat the same chili on a paper plate you'll be eating for dinner. Cats are fickle and refuse to eat meals that don't include at least three types of slow roasted animals. In fact, advertisers want you to know that you're kind of a jackass for not eating cat food too. There's even garnish in the meal. Garnish. A cat would be more thrilled by a severed bird head accenting the dish.
Based on the ad, I would order Fancy Feast at a restaurant if they would serve it to me. And cat food isn't the only one playing this bizarre game. Wet dog food looks like it's just some corn and carrots shy of the best stew you've ever had.
I don't want to brag, but I've seen a lot of dogs eat shit, enough to know they don't care what it looks like. Advertisers are just hoping you're stupid enough to think your pet wants to eat what you want to eat, or maybe that you're desperate enough to eat dog food. Either way, they are developing food for some weird hybrid between human and animal that doesn't exist yet.
Sick of your dog's unrefined tastes and dog-like behavior? Feed it Alpo and he'll learn to walk upright and dance like an almost-human.
Case in point:
In all fairness, ("Dog and Cat Food is Delicious") one of the products you showed-- Fancy Feast Appetizers, is a legit cat food. And by legit I mean it's all meat, veggies, vitamins. 99.9% of supermarkets carry subpar quality pet food. I'm one of those "crazy cat women" who reads pet food labels. I refuse to buy the products containing meat by-products, wheat gluten, fillers, corn meal, etc. My cat actually knows the difference. I spoil her with the good food, and if by chance family members pick up a few cans during a supermarket shop, they pick up the crap! They will feed her, and she'll sniff it, turn, and walk away. She'd rather starve, letting that food dry up and rot before she ate it. My cat refuses to eat anything BUT the Fancy Feast Appetizers. I don't know if this is amazing, that she has such quality taste buds, or sad.
ReplyI already criticize everything I see in TV Commercials, Billboard Ads, Fliers, etc. It's nice to see I'm not the only one.
ReplyLoved the car, pet food, and wiper fluid ones the best. Nice to know I'm not the only one questioning this stuff.
ReplyAlso, if I didn't dislike blue rasberry to begin with, I definitely do now.
Reply"After a meal of pet food, there's nothing sweeter than washing it down with a bottle of lotion"
ReplyGood article. Now I can't stop seeing these different types of ridiculousness everywhere on tv. It's great!
Owner-Look, Mittens! I got you slow-roasted chicken in a delicate sauce!
ReplyMittens-Look, lady, I don't know or care what you're talking about. Just feed me, and nobody gets they're faces clawed off.
Owner-Ooooohh. And it has fresh, crisp vegetables.
Mittens-I'm pretty sure I'm a carnivore-
Owner-And smolked salmon and-
Mittens-You know what? Screw it. I'm gonna go find some mice to eat before I starve.
"Fungus is actually just a bunch of tiny, hideous demons that love it there, prying open your toenails and scratching at the soft skin underneath with no foreseeable gain on their end." Thank you, Soren. Thank you.
ReplyDamn, all that make-up is making me hungry. I must resist buying some lest I become a disappointment to my parents...
ReplyI know! I'll eat some yogurt!
*Immediately disowned*
I love how many bags advertise an appealing shape. I have never met a dog or cat who cared what shape their food or snack was in.
ReplyEither way, they are developing food for some weird hybrid between human and animal that doesn't exist yet.
ReplyOH GOD FURRIES
I think blue is just the most socially acceptably color for advertisers to use in that kind of commercial. Red = Blood, Green = Mucus, Yellow = Urine, Orange = I don't know, bloody urine? And all of those = Gross. But, blue doesn't have any connotation to... human mess, so it's just more appropriate. I suppose they could have used water, but that doesn't offer as much visibility once absorbed.
ReplyBlue is also the colour least likely to be confused with food or drink; because hardly any foods and drinks are blue. Blueberry and blue Gatorade. That's about it.
Yeah, pet food commercials are pretty weird when they try to talk about how DELISHUSH the food is. (just as well, the food in the can never looks as fancy as it does in the ad) My pets aren't exactly picky, so as their human owner, how they should appeal to me is that the food is healthy or good for the animal or some shit. I don't care that the commercial makes it look like food from a 5-star restaurant, I'm not the one eating it.
ReplyI don't get what he's whining about when it comes to human liquids. Wouldn't it be way worse if they used the real thing?
ReplyAnnouncer: Now watch as this tampon absorbs this menstrual blood in seconds.
Me: Wait where did they get a quart of menstrual blood?
Announcer: TADA! It's all gone!
Me: I think I'm going to be sick.
Thank you. I'm crying right now.
Does that Always Infinity commercial say "have a happy period" at the end?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, it does. If you are an alien from another planet, you would assume humans secrete blue fluids.
Yeah, because we all know bleeding from your vagina like a lesbian vampire's wet dream, while your hormones are simultaneously going the f**k crazy, is of course, a rather pleasant experience, so long as you buy our shit.
I know several females who manage to gracefully get through their period without ripping anyone's head off. It is possible.
I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me the difference between Alpo and Dinty Moore myself.
ReplyGourmet pet food is a way of selling not-fit-for-humans meat to people who can't afford decent food. Yes, of course it's marketed at pensioners. As the article points out, your dog doesn't actually give a fuck.
ReplyIf there's one of these that really pisses me off, it's the dog and cat food ones. Seriously, that food like like good meaty stew. But it's not...oh god, it's not....
ReplyYou forgot: All television ads assume that the mother is the ONLY parent that can be capable of any sort of cooking, cleaning, toy products, or other household chores. Growing up without a mom, I was often incredibly confused about television telling me what my life was supposed to be like.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Replieslol so true. Dads are buffoons and women have "their place" in the home.
And if a man is cleaning, there is a woman commenting, telling to do it, how to do it, and taking the heat if he screws it up. A man can clean, as long as we make it super clear that it is still her job and he's doing her a favour.
What I mean is, they can't show a man cleaning without making it clear that it is still her job, and he is doing her a favour.
You just blew my mind. I can't remember ever seeing a man in a cleaning ad doing the actual cleaning.
Mmm, and take a look at any ad which has an enlightened person educating their retarded friend. It's almost always a man and a woman, and the woman is always the smart one.
That's why one of my favorite ads nowadays is the one where a dad is helping his daughter make a model volcano for school, and it ends up erupting all over the kitchen. Mom walks in, sees the mess, hands the bottle of Clorox (or whatever it is they're selling) to the dad and walks away with a smile. It might be the first time I've ever seen a commercial where the mom didn't immediately jump in and clean it all up by herself, even when the dad is around and/or partly responsible for the spill or the messy kids are old enough to clean up after their own damn selves.
Everything about this article is awesome. Even the comments.
Reply#4, you don't think animals care about taste? My dog is a pickier eater than most children I know. And he's not a little yap dog, he's 88lbs of wolfhound mix. He absolutely refuses to eat beef and most chicken foods.
ReplyMy dog is just picky with his dog food, he will sit there and shuffle his food bowl around to get his favorite pieces out and then whine till you pour him more so he can do it again. However, when it comes to human food he'll eat anything, even lettuce.
They will be picky if you let them. We have 3 cats and my mother decided that if they turned their nose up at the cat food she would give them a different flavour. Then type. Then brands. Now they are so picky we are lucky if they eat 4/10 packets from a box after every shop. You train animals and children the same way: To eat what you are given, or you can go hungry. Or...eat a bird.