Cracked Round-Up: Can't Stop The Yuletide Edition

Once again, despite our best efforts, Christmas is mere days away. We've expounded at length on how much the holiday season sucks for people who live on the Internet. Every year Cracked sends an elite team of our most expendable interns into the North Pole to burn Santa's workshop to the ground and stop the sickening cycle of family togetherness once and for all. None of our teams have found Santa yet, but we're sure 2012 will be the first year our team doesn't freeze to death after running out of food in the middle of the arctic.

Think video game design might be your path out of Mom's basement? Think again- and read Seanbaby's collection of the worst video game school commercials. Soren Bowie got us all in the revolutionary spirit with an occupy manifesto for all the downtrodden rich kids of America. Following up was Christina H, with an article for all the supermodels and actresses out there trying to cash in on the "nerd culture" phenomenon. If you're the kind of person that takes your anger with you into the holiday season, Chris Bucholz has a guide for how to deal with your family and vent those Christmas frustrations. Speaking of frustrated, John Cheese recorded the Cracked Christmas party from the point of view of the office pariah (which he is). Robert Brockway showed us the violent side of Christian cartoons and Dan O'Brien kept the anti-holiday hate train chugging along. Seanbaby book-ended our week with sci-fi MAN COMICS to get our heads out of the festive funk.

CLASSIC RACISM

The 6 Most Secretly Racist Classic Children's Books Sometimes we view older societies through an unfair lens due to our privileged position in history. This is not one of those times.

Notable Comment: "Ridiculous article. After talking about Harry Potter and "unreasonably offended" Christians (fine, your opinion, cool), you go on to whine about books and pick little stupid details to make a book seem racist. I don't get why leftist sites (again, cool, your political stance) find the need to be so disgustingly PC."

JLP54335 has us dead to rights here. If we all believed the same things he does, we wouldn't be offended by these books. And we'd also own double-wide trailers with the wheels replaced by cinderblocks.

SUPER SHAMEFUL

The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Superhero Reinventions When you have to keep a character going for more than half a century, there are bound to be a few 'bad' years. Or decades.

Notable Comment:"I would still do Storm even if she kept sporting that mohawk. She's hot"

Just a warning, OhMercyMe1, comic book ink burns when it gets in your urethra.

MODEL FAILURES

The 36 Worst Action Figures from Iconic Toy Lines If any article will trigger your bad gift PTSD, this is it.

Notable Comment: "The Ghost Rider burning to death one was actually kind of awesome. I'd play with that shit."

Dummassalien, if you were really cool you'd have just played Ghost Rider by lighting a real motorcyclist on fire.

BAD LANGUAGE

7 Ridiculous Origins of Everyday Words We always assumed there was some sort of Grand Word Council that decided what got to be a real word. We're not sure if the truth is more or less depressing.

Notable Comment:""Android" is not a word used for all robots - only the male ones. The female ones must be called "gynoids"."

501stJFW, on the other hand, is just a regular noid.

BAD DESIGN

6 Awesome Vehicles of War with Ridiculous Weaknesses Most people don't check their work. This apparently applies to weapon designers as well as Internet commenters.

Notable Comment: "Fun Fact: The tank crews for Mark I's had to take a minimum 8 day rest between operating the tank. Also, the whole thing had no suspension system, so the whole thing shook so badly the crew had to stop the thing before firing their machine guns at the enemy."

Man, the more we read about this tank the more it sounds like the car we drove back in High School.

CRACKED Staff

A Holiday News Report from the Horrifying Future With all due respect to our unstoppable bee overlords.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Classic Christmas Movies Were Rated R We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, The Most Embarrassing Viral Videos of 2012, How Famous Characters Would Fail in the Real World and The Biggest Disappointment of 2012.