The 4 Christmas Articles You'll See On The Internet

As I've mentioned before, it's a drag being on (and writing for) the Internet around Christmastime. Most people are too busy spending time with their families (gross!) to bother with updating their own websites, and the articles you do find are the same, tired Christmas-themed articles you see every single year. News stops, the Internet stops. The whole net just becomes a massive collection of Christmas articles.

Well, let me help you out. This year, instead of going all over the Internet and reading everything you come across, I'll save us all some time and just tell you the kind of Christmas articles you're going to see. This year and every year. Articles like ...

#4. "Stop Making Christmas Illegal!"

Sounds Like:

"Look, all I'm saying is, you can't walk down the street with a smile on your face because your Christmas Spirit might offend some of the left-wing Holinazis. It's political correctness run amuck, that's all I'm sayin'."

The Articles:

I think one year, in one town, in one store -- years ago -- employees were instructed to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." And we, as a nation, have been paying for it ever since.
This is what thinks "War on Christmas" is, and I have no reason to argue.

It's why every year, without fail, you'll see a dozen "War on Christmas" articles show up starting in early December. Writers complaining that everyone's gotten so politically correct that they're afraid to hang Christmas lights. Pundits feeling like they're being persecuted for buying Christmas trees (In Jesus Christ's America, dammit!). Desperate politicians wondering "why our children can't [something something] Christmas [something something] schools, but meanwhile [something something] gay people!"
"Jesus, Santa Claus, America: Gooood. Muslims, Tattoos, Homosexuals: Scaaary."

Fox News has an entire page of their website devoted to the War on Christmas. One of their headlines says "School Bans Santa Over Religious Concerns!" If you click and read Fox's mini summation of the article, you get a story about how, since 1960, firefighters would dress up as Santa and hang out with children, until this year, when it was banned. Which, yes, is ridiculous. It's so ridiculous, in fact, that I clicked even further to read more of the story and found out that the ban has since been rescinded, and that the firefighters are free to dress as Santa and give presents to children all they want. But the headline is still "Santa Claus Banned From Schools" and the title of the page on which it appears is War on Christmas! Because a Massachusetts superintendent hastily making a stupid move is clearly an act of religious war.

You know what I've never heard? Anyone, in my life, attack someone else for saying the words "Merry Christmas." Not once. I've never seen someone ask someone else to take down a Christmas decoration for being offensive, even if some houses look objectively terrible. And I have never seen or heard someone say, "Excuse me, I know your son is 9, but he is not allowed to celebrate, be happy about or be aware of Christmas as long as he is in a public school. That is why I gave him detention when he wore a Christmas sweater."

But do you know what I do hear and read? Hundreds of "War on Christmas" articles and videos from writers and pundits who feel like they're the most put-upon class of people in human history simply because they want the freedom to celebrate Christmas. A freedom that I have never seen anyone try to actively suppress. I don't even understand someone who can live in the same world as I do, where radio stations play round-the-clock Christmas music, TV networks count down the 12 days of Christmas in the form of Christmas movies, houses are decorated and sales and Christmas promotions start as far back as October, and then say "This War on Christmas is UNACCEPTABLE, it's like living in Communist China, for Christ's sake!" I don't know if it's ignorance or just some elaborate prank. I saw Christmas promotions at a JC Penny before Halloween even happened this year!

These people are just feeling persecuted and hurt, I guess. Because life is always hardest on white, upper-class Christians, especially at Christmas time.

#3. "Stop Putting Christmas EVERYWHERE!"

Sounds Like:

"I don't know if it's ignorance or just some elaborate prank. I saw Christmas promotions at a JC Penny before Halloween even happened this year! Waahh, I'm a baby."

The Article:

Ugh. Boooo. The writers who publish those "Why can't I celebrate Christmas if I want to?" articles and the writers who publish these "Why must I be bombarded by Christmas EVERY SINGLE DAY?" articles should just get it over with and fuck already.

I get that America makes way too big a deal out of Christmas. And I get that it's totally unreasonable that we start preparing for it earlier and earlier every single year. But the thing is, everybody gets that. There's no reason to write articles or go on the news and ask "Are we celebrating Christmas too soon?" Everyone who lives and exists in the world has that exact same observation. That's like a standup comedian whose entire set is "You know who's different from men? Women, am I right? That guy knows what I'm talking about. That woman, too. Anyway, that's my time, you've all been great."
"And can we talk about the DMV for a second? I don't care for the lines, but I guess they provide a good service. You've been terrific!"

If the observation you're making is the same one that your fellow students make, or the same one that your coworkers make around the office, there is absolutely no reason to publish an article on the subject as if you were the only one who noticed.

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Daniel O'Brien

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