Occupy the High School Senior Parking Lot: A Manifesto
Movement: [noun] a natural event that involves a change in the position or location of something.
-Wikipedia
Dear Principal Carver, Vice Principal Marshall, Faculty and Staff,
We, the class of 2012, urge you to pause for a minute from your duties of forcing the "rules" of the "American't Dream" down the throats of today's youth and look out your windows at the world. There you will see us, putting aside religion, gender and tons of other conflicting stuff to stand united at the edge of a really really big precipice in American history, and more specifically, the curb. We have assembled in the student parking area on the east side of the building, also known as "The Senior Lot" or "The smoker's hangout." We have renamed it "The Parkway of Liberty" in honor of our honorable cause. Let it be known that we unanimously agreed that "Freedom's Freeway" was a better name but Carey Ferguson had already started painting the banner before we could change it. It was a setback, for sure, but if nothing else it should be a testament to the unstoppable power of our revolution now that the gears are in motion.
Our goal is simple: We intend to stay out here fighting the tyranny of American capitalism until future generations no longer have to suffer the disproportionate allocation of wealth in this country, and at least until finals week is over.
"We want to be heard, probably!"
Through Mr. Langen's geopolitics class, we the seniors now understand the growing inequality in this country in ways that you couldn't possibly know unless you stepped out of your big expensive offices for once and actually sat in on his lectures. We've seen the widening economic disparity between the fat cats and the rest of us. Mr. Langen said that the only way things are going to change is with a precipice of fresh new ideas of young adults of the next generation. Mr. Langen knew that grade point averages and exams were just part of the archaic system that put us in this mess in the first place. If Mr. Langen wasn't currently dealing with Christi Lattel's unfounded allegations, we think he would be out here, sleeping in our tents and supporting our movement.
This one is for you, Mr. L.
Our demands are few: We will come back to class when Buckfield Academy does everything within its ability to halt foreclosures on the houses of the unemployed or sick. We will come back to class when Buckfield Academy does everything within its ability to break up the commercial banking system that's making money off the poor. We will come back to class when Buckfield Academy does everything within its ability to prosecute the greedy corporations for their hand in the economic collapse, with the exception of the following companies:
- Proctor and Gamble (Tina and Sheri Moeller's father is the CFO)
- Countrywide/Bank of America (Madison Carson's uncle is a mortgage executive)
- Fannie Mae (Teddy Sander's father is the VP)
- Exxon Mobile (Bronx Cutler's dad is on the board. Chance Baker's mother is head of strategic marketing. Pippy Bernstein's father is the top-subsidiary executive. Chet Vess's mother is the legal executive)
(Note: More names to come as other students join our movement)
We also demand that the speed bumps be removed from Campus Road leading up to the student parking lot and that the Diet Dr. Pepper in the cafeteria vending machine be replaced with regular Dr. Pepper again. There was never a vote or anything, one day it just changed to diet even though everyone can taste the difference and nobody in the whole school likes diet soda except the teachers.
"To fucking over those kids, right?"
We hope the Academy acts quickly for the sake of its student body, but we understand if classes and tests must be canceled as the school works to meet these demands. We believe that given the current economic climate, it's completely unfair of Buckfield to expect its seniors, the role models to the rest of the school, to study while they are working to fix the precipice of a broken country. Particularly when the faculty is being paid to come to school every day as pawns of the corporate machine, yet we are never paid a dime and we are here just as often. That kind of backwards thinking is exactly why the country is in this mess in the first place and no one is going to change anything just by sitting around. Metaphorically speaking. Physically, sitting around is the basis of our movement. We hope that is clear.
In fact, maybe "movement" was the wrong word.
This is the starting point as we reshape America. According to dictionary.com, "revolution" means a radical and pervasive change in society but it also means a single complete cycle. We are just following in the footsteps of our Forefathers who founded this nation over 50 years ago. This country was built on the idea that by distributing wealth, everyone could achieve greatness collectively. That's what democracy is all about. We should never have forgotten that.
If you agree, regardless of whether you are a teacher or a student, please know that you are welcome to join us in the parking lot. Consi's dad let us borrow the RV that sleeps many of us comfortably and Tamila's family is letting us use their nanny for meals and washing up. We are prepared to accept anyone who wants to join our ranks.
"You're in my world now."
As you consider the option, please also take a minute to ask yourself what great Americans through history would do in this moment. What would George Washington or Alexander Graham Bell think if they were here to see you now? Would they be proud of what our country has become? Would they be proud of you? Or would they hesitate to sign the Declaration of Independence, knowing that future Americans might lose sight of the ideals they fought so hard to protect, or worse, lack the courage to find the path again? The answer of course is no, and then no again, and then yes. We are all granted an opportunity now to be heroic, to alter the course of our country, to be the answers to questions on history exams in the distant future. The world will remember fondly how we cast aside some silly tests and in-class essays to do something that mattered. Just like we speak fondly of our great grandparents standing up against the precipice of tyranny during WWII and the Spanish American War, so too will our great grandchildren speak fondly about us, and this parking lot, and how we slept in it at least until Christmas break.
Sincerely,The Senior Class
For more world-changing manifestos, check out Why It's Time to Stop Wearing Mittens: A Manifesto and A Gamer's Manifesto.
You keep using that word. I'm not sure you know what it means.
Replyi was gonna say that
I have big problem with these idiots "standing up for what they believe in" because they're doing it badly.
Reply1) the "occupy" thing was a legal issue because protest is protected, but protesting includes going home.
2) creating a health hazard and criminal haven (like the PA fugitive hiding out and being cared for) becomes a serious problem for the people you're "protecting."
3) harassing and destroying private citizens and small businesses is counter to the point.
4) having no collective voice or agenda weakens the rationale that it's a political protest - what exactly are the politics?
5) camping out in front of a bank doesn't affect the lawmakers and just makes you seem too lazy to camp in front of congress or too stupid to use the system in place i.e. voting/campaigning. if justin bieber can get a record contract why cant youtube blogs and twitter be used to campaign?
6) the majority of the people they're protesting against are a part of their precious 99% from the maintenance workers, security and cops up to the accountants. there are thousands of people in those buildings, most of them working the only job they could get, not all of them are the 1%, but they all have to deal with it on a daily basis. that's helpful.
and most importantly, because of this asshattery the next time someone has a valid point to make they will have a harder time being taken seriously, and it will be far more likely the cops will shut them down before they become a problem, like the NYPD was considering doing to these tools at the very start. should these morons end up in court for one of the many laws they've already broken and a judge rules against them it will form legal precedent for the future limiting what can and can't be done.
"Standing up for what they believe in" could be potentially diminishing our constitutional rights, and maybe i'm overreacting, but then i read the patriot act. acting like a loud destructive ass and claiming persecution makes you and everyone associated with you lose credibility.
Many years ago there was a group of youths that standed for their beliefs, they were called dirty, useless, dumb, they were the hippies. Everybody used to say they were full of contradictions and that they wouldn't get anywhere.
ReplyThose people were wrong, the hippies got to the trailer parkas, overdose deaths and rehab clinics.
A trailer parka doesn't seem like it would be very comfortable.
Good one Bowie. Did you get a 60s Mad magazine article about hippies and change a few words?
ReplyI just can't even begin to describe how much I love this article. It summarizes absolutely everything wrong with the Occupy movements with the biting snark I love Cracked for.
ReplyTh Occupy movement has been one of the stupidest protests ever. We all know the economy sucks, now get out of everyones way so they can get to work.
ReplyConsidering Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland and lived in Canada, he probably wouldn't care much...
ReplyI think thats the point XD
wut? so alexander graham bell never fought against the irish at el alamo dressed as a geisha?
NONSENSE
well at least they are not actually sitting on the school walls using air compression and pistons to help them stay in a sitting formation from the pull of gravity
ReplyWow. Insane columns are the norm around here, but it usually touches down at least between spikes. Soren seems to have managed to stop the wave function from collapsing; there is no other way to say such ridiculously, delightfully contradictory s tatements. It is not possible.
ReplyIt rises up to smash into one circle's ridiculous idiot faction, and then down to the other circle's idiot faction, and never even nearing middle between them.
You've doomed us all, Soren!
I cant say it was funny, but it was rather astonishing to read. Didnt catch me quite as off guard as the Pokemon / Nobunaga's Ambition crossover, but still. Fun article.
I'm looking forward to that game, it actually has a lot of potential to be awesome.
oh. my. god. this perfectly portrays high school seniors who want to "make a difference". i'm currently a senior, actually. so spot f*****g on, bowie, you genius!
Replyand its equal parts insulting my peers and equal parts insulting OWS. if anything, my peers should be insulted. again, good stuff.
i think the fact that the 99% can't take a joke is disheartening...
ReplyThey can take 99% of the joke. Just not the punchline.
Bazinga.
OWS supporter here: If you read cracked regularly, you should really know better than to take articles here seriously. It's a joke, folks, you would be a hypocrite to laugh at comedy insulting other people if you only get mad when you're the butt of the joke.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAs for the people saying OWS is a bunch of hippie kids and there is no clear message: that's media propaganda, guys. The truth is yes, there are some hipster types in on this because they're mad they couldn't get a car for their 16th birthday. But there's also a lot of employed Americans out there with a clear desire to stop the mistreatment and systemic destruction of the middle class in America. Just saying.
I don't even see this as lampooning OWS, at all. It looks to me like a parody of spoiled rich kids who try to be part of something they don't even understand, just because they want to emulate what they see on TV. I mean the bit about the nanny should have made that clear enough :)
15 years ago it'd be a bunch of spoiled rich kids pretending to be "gangsta" and "from the street".
@effing: I can get behind that assessment. My point was simply that no matter how you interpret it, getting mad about it is kind of silly.
Not to mention -- whether making fun of OWS or doing a parody of OWS involving spoiled rich kids -- keeping people talking about OWS is good for the movement, so there's another reason not to complain.
it is a joke, of course it is. but: OWS is dumb. it is made up of people who don't understand history, economics, or politics.
Not to mention the list of companies to avoid going after because of family connections.
This is clearly about wealthy out-of-touch kids trying to fit in and be popular.
I'm not sure if you're insulting what the protesters want to accomplish or if you're calling them children... I'm not even sure if you're making a statement... I just know that this is the single dumbest thing I've read in the past month.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesProbably because you failed to understand it.
I love how "I disagree with it" has come to mean "it's dumb". Oh, wait. No I don't. I actually hate that.
You must be new at Cracked.
This is a short one... Reminds me of my penis.
ReplyReminds me of mine because it's been seen by millions and caused a lot of laughter.
I've always wanted to be an answer to a question on a history exam in the distant future by physically sitting on a curb and metaphorically not sitting around. Thank you, Senior Class of Buckfield Academy!
ReplySoren, you had me at "Wikipedia".
ReplyI'd like to apologize to Bowie after having accidentally splooging all over his article upon discovering that he is my new hero.
ReplyReally soren, are you seriously that old that it's already time to start talking about young people like you're a patient in a nursing home?
Reply Hide All See All 15 RepliesHonestly, I'm not sure why but for some reason this article kind of makes me angry for some reason...and I really can't put my finger on it.
I mean, I'm a subjectively young person, but it's still been 3 years since I've been in high school, so I'm assuming the people it's about isn't it...
Actually, I think maybe I know. It's probably because it sounds exactly like the same old whiny, supposedly "clever" sarcastic commentary on the overall OWS movement as a whole only using a comparison to high schoolers rather than just coming out and calling people hippies like in other instances.
Granted, I may think they have a dumb name, I may not agree completely with the way the whole thing is being handled, and it may not be as focused as it should be, but I don't fully understand the point of these sorts of commentaries on the whole thing; these are still people going out and doing something for what they believe in, rather than, oh, I don't know, sitting around writing stupid sarcastic articles in order to whine and insult other people who do so.
On top of it I feel like it has to be obvious that making statements that seem, by most indications, to be mocking those in a certain group with certain beliefs is going to almost always end up turning at least a number of people off. I mean, I've read plenty of other soren b. articles and I know there are better things he/you can write about, so why choose a topic that's not only not all too original, and that you know will just end up angering a number of readers?
Alright, I will admit the part about diet soda was both funny and I recall used to be the case in school, but the rest seemed like it didn't even set out to be honest to goodness funny or entertaining but rather was designed almost exclusively as a pot shot.
From where I'm sitting this choice of topic was kind of uncalled for, and reeks far more of some sort of conservative grumpy old man's attempt at a satire piece than something that belongs on cracked.
.
OWS is a joke; it brings to mind a certain image macro with the Libyan, Syrian, and Egyptian protesters being in a primal fight against tyranny, while their American "counterparts" are cozy as shit.
I don't see the heavy conservative bias that you are imposing up it (because all conservatives are old, amirite?). It's more of a general summation of the OWS rationale, which happens to be lazy and selfish, with no clear goal. Kinda like angsty high school kids, ya know?
I must say the concept is a bit of a one note joke, and it does get tired in some spots (the factual inaccuracies that the high schoolers/OWS protesters spout doesn't need to be elaborated on further at this point).
Other than that, I just wish you would've produced this sooner, Soren. I might have found it funnier if it weren't for the OWS media overload.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with you sir. I don't think that the article is satirizing the movement as a whole or the people who are actually dedicated to the cause. I think that he is criticizing the people who are just jumping on the bandwagon and people who use the whole "occupy" thing as a means to achieve their own goals (in this case, getting out of school). Being a college student myself, I have seen enough of this type of thing to know that it can get rather annoying. That being said, this is just my interpretation of the article, which could be completely wrong. Just thought I'd offer another perspective :)
It's a f*****g piece of satire. As in humor. As in don't take it seriously. As in you're a f*****g hipster.
Also. I refer to OWS protesters as hippies all the time. Especially as I already know that today's hippie will be the economic collapse causing yuppies of the future.
So go out and cull the hippie species. It'll save everyone in the future.
VonKriplespac gets a gold star.
i'm your age and you are a dirty hippie. there happy now?
Oops, Uber misposted his manifesto in the wrong forum. MSNBC is thataway -->
So, Mr. Loiselle, you promote going around and killing all the people who disagree with your political beliefs. Nice to know.
And, FYI, the whole thing about Cartman exterminating hippies? The reason that's funny is that it's not something non-bigots think.
Oh, and Gulag--OWS is a joke, yet it has more supporters than the Tea Party. IT actually engendered worldwide support. Every serious politician has addressed their concerns. A group of banks were actually trying to come up with a way to shut it down. And let's not forget the coordinated attack on all the encampments. It's not a joke, genius. It's a warning. The populace is very unsatisfied. We went from the relatively peaceful Tea Party to the more disruptive Occupy movement. If things don't change, we move on to riots and then perhaps revolution. Fortunately, the U.S. has a good habit of listening to protestors because the government knows the stakes.
I love watching people who know nothing about our current economic and social problems pretending they do. Carry on, chaps!
"I must say the concept is a bit of a one note joke"
Because OWS is a one-note joke.
You guys are aware this is a satire and dick jokes site, right? Just sayin'.
They are doing something they believe in; but what they believe in is stupid. it doesn't make sense. i saw a OWS protester say that everyone in America should have an above-average wage and lifestyle. that doesn't even make sense.
Did it never occur to you that all the Occupy moments are a joke in themselves? A protest has a message, goal, and plan to change things. What do occupiers have? A hilarious belief that things will change if they sit in one place long enough.
trlkly: Interesting that the protesters who waved loaded assault weapons at their rallies count as "peaceful."
This is a good article which I forced myself to read because Soren is always funny and interesting. The title has scared a lot of people miles from it because "Occupy X" is a terrible meme and "manifesto" is a manifesto. It will be lucky to break 300k views because of this which is a shame. This would have been more popular if inferior idiots hadn't done ham-fisted versions of it into the ground.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSpeaking of which, I'd love to read an article wailing on paint by numbers jokes like the ones that pissed in the pot before this one!
It'll be lucky to break 300k views because people read the title and realize that it's going to about exactly what it's about.
I think it'll easily beat 300,000 views simply because everyone reads manifestos. Manifestos are cool.
I will now be reading Nathan's future posts in Matt Smith's voice. Because I now think he's him.
Marx was doing manifestos before it was cool.
Look at this point would everyone prefer it if OWS protesters started blowing things up/rioting because it seems they get so much shtick for their "hippy" protests that it would seem to imply people would prefer that.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesEh, people always complain about everything. When people finally start complaining about something reasonable, most others won't even attempt to ascertain if those complaints are legitimate or not.
I'd just be grateful if they protested in an area where people who can actually do something about it are found.
I'd prefer if they actually did something instead of assume they are making a difference by simply sitting in one place for a period of time.
I would prefer it if they started blowing s**t up, yes. I'd rather have a revolution than a series of non-violent protests that only change the surface.
A few Molotov cocktails and some hired agitators would sure make the OWS news more f*****g interesting. Some movements never die, though, they just fade away.