The 36 Worst Action Figures From Iconic Toy Lines
Disappointment is a natural part of any gift-giving occasion, especially if you're a kid and your mom doesn't know the difference between a Transformer and a GoBot. Every kid knew that there was an inherent risk in asking Santa for an action figure, because parents usually figured that as long as it had the right logo on the box, they were on the safe side.
Turns out they couldn't be more wrong, because hiding within the toy lines you loved were ...
#36. April O'Neil's Boss (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
TMNT Toys
He looks like he's one missed deadline away from a felony groping charge.
It was something of a rite of passage for boys in the late '80s/early '90s to wake up on Christmas morning and see the wrapped Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-shaped box. In anticipation you'd tear it open, wondering what would be revealed. Your favorite Turtle? Your favorite villain? Or some fat guy eating a sandwich, with toilet paper stuck on his foot?
The official TMNT Burne (April O'Neil's boss) action figure included exciting accessories like a phone, a typewriter, a press pass that fit nowhere on his person and another, larger sandwich.
TMNT Toys
With a sword grip.
The truth is, an alarming amount of TMNT toys were neither teenage nor mutant nor ninjas nor turtles. Some of them weren't even appropriate for children. Case in point:
#35. Prostitute April O'Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
TMNT Toys
"I'm ... making a documentary!"
This is a prostitute. This wasn't a Barbie tie-in or something: This Ravishing Reporter April doll came packaged like a regular Ninja Turtle, including accessories like a dagger to defend herself when her pimp isn't around and a fully detachable skirt, which no doubt served to fuel adolescent fantasies in the dark ages of the pre-rule-34 era.
Also, it turns out that it didn't take a whole lot to qualify as a TMNT villain:
#34. Pizzaface (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
TMNT Toys
Notice how his pinky finger is doing the Shocker.
Pizzaface was described as "Shredder's crazed culinary creator" and "the ultimate Turtle nightmare" because he possessed the power of the pizza pie. And if there's one defining characteristic of the Ninja Turtles, it's that they hate pizza.
TMNT Toys
Not that this picture looks exceptionally appetizing.
#32. Farmer Turtles (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
OK, at least this one is a Turtle. As a farmer.
That is, some toy designer said, "It's the mutant turtle part kids love! They can take or leave the teenage ninja part! The whole show could be about planting seeds and learning about proper crop rotation, the little shits will still watch it!"
Damn, guys, it was hard enough to even want to buy a Donatello figure at all. And yet this must have been so popular that it led to a follow-up. To their credit, they did make a vast improvement for this one:
The Action Figure Archive
They replaced "Don" with "Mike."
#31. Moss Man (He-Man)
He-Man.org
That's the greenest neck beard we've seen since the Grinch got hooked on Eve.
There was a time at the height of He-Man's popularity when the social status of a school-age boy was dictated entirely by the amount of Masters of the Universe action figures he owned. The only thing worse than having no He-Man figures? Having one of the lame ones.
And they had a lot of these. Since the only discernible unifying concept for the He-Man line was the presence of pectorals and a Speedo, the designers were able to come up with some truly deranged shit. Like Moss Man. This guy doesn't just look like he's coated with fungus: They actually went out of their way to give a dampy feel to the touch and a "real pine scent" to it. It is disgusting in every conceivable sense. Look at his face. Look at it.
Now imagine trying to sleep with that thing staring at you from somewhere in your room, if you can. Moss Men are particularly difficult to find among collectors today because most kids buried them in their backyards in fear.
#30. Stinkor (He-Man)
Final Frontier Toys
Sure, blister pack. "Fun."
Stinkor? More like ... no, yeah, Stinkor is fine. Like Moss Man, Stinkor came with an actual stench derived from patchouli oil -- that was his power. Smelling like a hippie.
He-Man.org
"Keep the sword. I'm out. Fuck you."
#29. Grizzlor (He-Man)
He-Man.org
The Tribbles have armed!
Then there's Grizzlor, also known as the moment when Mattel started fearing for the sanity of its employees. Grizzlor is a mental breakdown in the shape of an action figure. "Dear lord, they've gone too far this time. How are we supposed to sell this?" "Uh ... let's stick a crossbow on it."
They started to drift a little from the He-Man concept with this one, since you can't actually see his pecs or crotch, but presumably they're still somewhere in there (unless you shave it and it's just one big gonad). At least at this point they were still trying. Sadly, we can't say the same for ...
#28. Orbear (He-Man)
He-Man.org
What possible good could those stubby articulated legs do?
A Masters of the Universe bear. But wait! This is only its initial shape. Just like Prince Adam turned into He-Man or Cringer turned into Battle Cat, a Transformers-like mechanism allowed this ordinary bear to turn into ... a ... ball?
He-Man.org
"And it should be half white, because cocaine."
#27. German Mechanic (Indiana Jones)
The Indiana Jones Toy Reference Page
Real name: Herr von Muffintopp.
When Raiders of the Lost Ark came out in 1981, a toy line seemed like a no-brainer: After all, George Lucas and Kenner had just made a gajillion dollars selling action figures based on another beloved Lucasfilm property also starring Harrison Ford -- it would have been stupid not to sell toys based on this thing. The only problem was that while Star Wars had Luke, Han, Chewie, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, the Emperor, the Stormtroopers and more, Indiana Jones had ... Indiana Jones.
That led to stuff like this, a toy of the nameless, shirtless German mechanic who fights Indy near a plane. This action figure is especially disappointing when you consider that the character's only notable feature (the fact that he was killed by a propeller blade) is in no way acknowledged here. Not even in the box art. Also because he appears to be 30 years older than in the movie and overweight.
TheRaider.net
A fight with this dude ends in emphysema coughs before head mist-ification.
But, again, it's not like they had a lot to choose from. Even the film's main antagonist, Hans von Meltyface or whatever, was just a guy in a suit. This forced them to take things to kind of a weird place ...
#26. Marion, with Removable Dress (Indiana Jones)
The Indiana Jones Toy Reference Page
Somehow the phrase "this figure's knees were not jointed as most of the others were" seems incredibly offensive.
Yes, now you can rerecreate the scene in which Marion is in danger of being raped by Nazis! Also, she comes with a monkey.
To be fair, a lot of the toys in this line came with removable clothes. It was never a great idea:
The Indiana Jones Toy Reference Page
Why ... why would you even ... why?
So hey, the next time you watch that awesome scene where Indy shoots the swordsman, remember: At least one of them is wearing a thong. Goodbye, childhood!
#25. Wheelchair Rocky (Rocky Series)
Go Figure
With real Vicodin-popping action!
We'll just cut straight to it: The Rocky action figures are pretty much bananas through and through. Sure, there's all the figures you'd expect to see, like Clubber Lang and Apollo Creed and Rocky himself. But this franchise posed 10 times the problem for toy makers as Indiana Jones -- it doesn't even have villains, per se, or cool changes in costume.
So what they're left to do is sift through every single scene of the franchise and recreate them in action-figure form. What child wouldn't want to play with a battered, bloody Rocky in a wheelchair?
And it goes downhill from here ...
#24. Ivan Drago's Wife (Rocky Series)
That's right. It's Brigitte Nielson's character from Rocky IV, the Russian Ludmilla Drago. Who could possibly want to own an action figure based on the likeness of Ivan Drago's wife? Other than Ivan Drago?
Holy shit, they made an action figure out of everyone who appears in these movies, even for just a second, including inconsequential cameos like Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson and ...
To throw my 2 cents in here. Ok Chuckles was kinda lame. But ya know what, he came with the BEST handgun of any Joe back then. I bought two of him just to get another handgun. So the figure was lame, but the weapon and holster was kick ass!!
ReplyThe E Honda GI Joe figure belongs here. It's as fat as the Blob, and as wtf why is this a GI Joe as the Fridge.
ReplyChopper Vader and Luke are bad ass,..I would love playing with those as a kid haha
ReplyI had both Stinkor and Moss Man, in fact I'm sure they're both still in a box somewhere.
ReplyAlso, I'm not understandig the Donatello hate, he was clearly the best.
Donny rules!
#23 seems like a setup to Norm MacDonald joke.
ReplyMy sisters found the penguin commandos at a garage sale years ago. We thought they were a happy meal toy or something from Japan.
ReplyFreaking CLUELESS. This list has some merit, but really?? Rocky was never an iconic toy line. Ever. But that doesn't bother me as much as #2 and #3.. are you freaking kidding me??? Gonk droid was epic. As was hammerhead. He was a background figure, but he was my favorite figure as a kid. As was walrus man and the rest of the cantina patrons. I guess it would make soooo much more sense to just make the 5 major characters. What a great toy line that would make. Ill just recreate the cantina scene with cardboard cutouts. Jerk.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSomeone was an only child.
Yeah, the Rocky s**t was a way after the fact collectors line, not something really intended for kids. I mean "the Meat"? Clearly not something anyone would buy except a 25-45 year old with way too much disposable income and way too little getting laid.
No explanation for the crappy Batman returns ducky, though.
Since I can't give you the hug you desperately need, I'll give you a thumbs up instead, terribleone.
"J. Jonah Jameson's deep hatred of Spider-Man seems somewhat less threatening when he's wearing his dad's suit" ~HAHA!
ReplyYou know how bad it was living in the 3rd world (I still do, by the way) and thinking you had all the He-Man toys for years.....only to realize years later that you didn't... I never owned Moss Man.. I wanted to, dammit!!
ReplyOH MY GOD! I CAN'T FINISH THIS ONE IN ONE SITTING! I CAN'T BREATH! HAHAHA!!
Replyi like these figures , its cool , cause I am cool...
ReplyBob? That's clearly Bill Bailey action figure!
ReplyAdd New CommentAre you off your meds bro? There are far worse toys than the crap you listed. about 30% of that list I'll agree, the other 70% your head is up your ass. Apparently your not adapt to 80's and 90's toys. Toy lines like Cowboys of Moo Mesa, Sectaurs, and go bots. There are countless other crap figures that should have been on this list instead of picking a few lines and grouping a bunch of figures together from that. Anyone can do that. My 4 year old can do it. Do a lil research next time and compile a real list instead of just grouping useless crap together to meet a deadline.
ReplyRead the title again, smart guy.
Cool story, bro.
I had Grizzlor and Moss Man. I remember thinking that they were both awesome. That may explain why I didn't have any friends...
ReplyOh my gravy...I had Pizzaface...worst.action figure.ever.
ReplyOmygod... I found a bunch of my uncle's old He-Man action figures a while back. He has Stinkor. XD
ReplyI had the evil pizza dude (the pizza box was a shield) and the battle penguins. Must explain my love of bizarre crossover fanfiction.
ReplyI actually had Bonebreaker when I was 6 or 7.. and I think he's awesome!
ReplyAdults bought these for themselves as well as for their kids, even back in the time these were shipped out, tho I can't imagine anyone wanting any of these...sheesh
ReplyAnd every single one of those toys is better than anything released in the Spongebob or Pokemon franchises. You know I'm right.
Reply